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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To demand that dp pays me back?

92 replies

Bigblug · 22/04/2017 10:34

Bit of a long one but I'll try and explain properly so as not to drip feed.
So I work full time, and pay all the bills myself. Dp is the 'stay at home' parent in theory, but his work requires a lot of favours and back scratching in order to generate work and get noticed. He hasn't been paid anything significant in well over a year. It took a long time for me to accept that he would never be happy in a 'proper job so I kind of accepted that he needed to do this, and in return he would look after the kids so I could bump my hours up. However since the beginning of this year his work has just exploded. There's talks of publishers and tours and festivals, all very exciting. It means that he has to do a lot of networking. In the past 4 months he's barely been home, apart from the necessary childcare. Still no word about any sort of payment but it's all looking promising. However, he's also been swept away with his new found popularity. 7pm meetings keep turning into parties until 3am. Last night we had an unexpected child free night. He said he'd been invited out after, I said we really don't have a lot of money and it would be nice if he came home. He made his excuses, didn't come home until 3am and had spent £30. Now I know this isn't a lot of money in the grand scheme of things but payday is next week and we're crawling towards it. It's also the third time in as many weeks. I was meant to be the one going out for a few drinks with friends for the first time in months, but I knew it would be unwise for both of us to go out from a money point of view. So, I stayed in. On my own. Again. I will probably get flayed for this as I know a lot of mnetters are of the opinion that working money is family money but I feel that I already support him, and I shouldn't be supporting non necassary social time as well, when we just don't have the money for him to do it. And I know that he's just getting swept away in the excitement but it's getting silly now. If it were actual work I could understand. Going to clubs this often is definitely not necessary. I've told him I want him to pay me back. I don't think he will (how would He?) But it's the principle.

Sorry for the rant!

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 22/04/2017 12:38

You are not just enabling this person, you are completely subjugating yourself to him, you've conditioned yourself to doing this for so long it comes across as a form of Stockholm Syndrome. You've got, in essence, a very expensive cleaner in your life but you'll build a road in gold to keep him. That's your lookout, but you're not obligated to do this, you know? You can at any time say, 'This isn't making me happy anymore.'

As for your family, tbh, I'd be disappointed if either of my kids ended up with a person like this. All these excuses of yours, that's exactly what they are. You don't have a partner here, you're not a team, you've got an expensive cleaner/rebellious teenager that you enable. Sounds like he's able to get over his depression and anxiety quickly when it's something that suits him - clubbing, going out with friends, blowing half of all the money that's left to feed his kids. Would you be happy if your kids wound up with someone like this? I really hope mine are able to find a real partnership if that's what they want.

Again, your lookout, but you're not beholden to keep enabling him forever.

innagazing · 22/04/2017 12:43

the sparrowhawk
Every struggling director, actor, artist, musician I've ever known, has had at least a regular part time job, be it bartender waiter, busker or college lecturer. Even the one's without children.

Noe of them have won an Oscar yet though...

User2468 · 22/04/2017 12:44

What does he bring to the relationship?

It reads like he is a SAHP whose children are looked after by relatives when your at work or by you when not. His 'work' doesn't really pay but involves a lot of socialising that you foot the bill for. You get to work or do childcare.

I can't see that he brings much to the equation.

KungFuEric · 22/04/2017 12:44

The thing I'd caution you on op is I've witnessed many relationships where one partner has made sacrifices and worked hard supporting their artist partner through the lean struggling years, only for the artist to spread their wings and fly with someone else when the money is coming in.

It sounds to me that he stays because you enable him to go out partying until 3am, to not have to work in stable paid jobs. If he was able to support himself, would he still need you? Would he still want you?

haveacupoftea · 22/04/2017 12:47

I'd be far more worried about the parties until 3am than the £30

Seeingadistance · 22/04/2017 12:48

I agree with KungFuEric about the possibility of his flying off with someone else if and when he does become successful.

It seems that you are not married, so if that does happen, then you'll be left with nothing after all the sacrifices you have made for him. If you are going to stay with him, then at the very least then you should have a cohabitation agreement or get married to ensure that you and the children have a safety net.

NoFuckingRoomOnMyBroom · 22/04/2017 12:51

YABU purely because you are enabling him to behave like the selfish child he is, he isn't a SAHP at all as he doesn't actually do much childcare -he's more of a 'housekeeper'. Either way a responsible adult does not go out & spend £30 when all the family has is £60 til payday & groceries to buy
What are you going to do if this explosion of interest in his work doesn't pan out?-how much longer are you going to tolerate his shit?

innagazing · 22/04/2017 12:52

I wouldn't live like this, however much I 'loved' him.
For my own self esteem, I'd want to live separately and be absolutely financially independent of the cocklodger him.

innagazing · 22/04/2017 12:54

Kungfu-would he still need you? Would he still want you?

When you're 64?

MongerTruffle · 22/04/2017 12:54

He is your husband.

The OP said DP, not DH.

expatinscotland · 22/04/2017 12:55

'I'd be far more worried about the parties until 3am than the £30 confused'

This. Sounds like he's doing quite a bit of going out lately. But then, I'd have sent him to his mother's when I was about 22 and started to grow up and realise all he wanted was a meal ticket.

ShiningArmour · 22/04/2017 12:55

Surely he is a cocklodger?

LonginesPrime · 22/04/2017 12:56

OP, I would love to be a successful artist - I think I'm pretty talented at certain things and would be rather good at it.

However, I have kids to support and know they need practical things like shoes and food and clothes that require my having money. So I have a full time job and do arty things in my (limited) spare time when I can between work and raising the kids.

Your DP is in a great position in that he can be another child of yours and not have to carry any adult responsibility on the basis he's an artist of some description and therefore entitled to do fuck all.

I've been in similar relationships where I've enabled this kind of behaviour before, I suspect because it appealed to the artsy side of my personality, but it's never worked out as they always ended up taking the piss financially. There's always more money coming and someone else to earn it, so they don't care.

I agree with a PP who asked what is he actually contributing to the household?

ItsOut · 22/04/2017 13:00

Am I right in thinking that you are 26/27'ish. 😕 It all sounds a bit depressing. You sound like you are his Mum and he sounds like a selfish childish twit.

RainbowsAndUnicorn · 22/04/2017 13:02

Regardless of gender they sound lazy and I'd not enable a partner to that extent whatsoever.

Tell him he needs it work full time and equally contribute.

KungFuEric · 22/04/2017 13:03

innagazing.

wheresthel1ght · 22/04/2017 13:15

Firstly - he is not a stay at home parent. He does no childcare so he doesn't get to claim that mantle.

Secondly - WTAF you have £60 left til pay day and he blew half of that getting pissed...sorry but they would be finding bits of my DP all along the M25 if he did that! What sort of selfish twat are you with????

Thirdly - he needs to get himself a job that contributes to his family because so far I can't see how he is at all! and for that alone YANBU

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