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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to have mumsnet insecurities

112 replies

deliverdaniel · 22/04/2017 04:33

i am aware of the irony of posting this on here. Maybe I'm a masochist.

I find that although I often get good advice/ reassurance on here, mumsnet can also often make me feel very insecure. My biggest flash point insecurity is people posting about badly behaved children and how useless the parents must be. Eg when a poster says something like "I can't believe it when people let their toddlers have tantrums/ touch things they shouldn't / behave naughtily etc etc. My toddler invariably regularly does ALL the things they mention and I feel totally powerless to stop him even though I do my level best. I feel as though my children are pretty badly behaved, at least by mumsnet standards and it makes me feel massivevly insecure when I come on here and like a rubbish mum.

Do you have a mumsnet insecurity?

OP posts:

ScarlettFreestone · 22/04/2017 04:51

Pretty much no one has well behaved toddlers!!

If you are consistent and firm it mostly works out in the end.

My twins are lovely at 9yo but I was pulling my hair out at 2yo (just like everyone else!)

In my experience no one in real life minds toddler behaviour if the parents look like they are actively trying to manage it, even if it's currently unsuccessful.

I'm mostly just thinking "I'm glad I survived those years"

MN can be brilliant but it can often be deeply weird. Posters are all following their own journeys and dealing with their own issues.

Take everything you read with compassion, a sense of humour and pinch of salt.

user1491572121 · 22/04/2017 04:57

How do you mean you feel powerless to stop him?

You're meant to just pick them up if they don't listen to your requests.

So eg. your child is grabbing at things in a shop...you tell them not to touch, they continue to touch...so you remove them from the area/shop completely.

Do you not do that?

Semaphorically · 22/04/2017 05:04

Nope. I try very hard to only take things personally if they are meant personally. It's better for my mental health that way.

Regarding how well-behaved (or not) my children are, DH and I are doing our best as I'm sure you and your partner are. I read about books and articles about how to bring up a happy, well-adjusted and confident child with good manners, then I try to remember to apply what I've learned. But no one is perfect, we all have off days. Be kind to yourself!

Original poster

deliverdaniel · 22/04/2017 05:12

user yes- I do that and many many more 'techniques'- we do time outs, never give in to tantrums, positive reinforcements, leave immediately any time things are kicking off etc etc etc. He is still totally wild and impulsive and physical. My older DS is a different kind of challenging. Very sensitive and emotional, always taking things very very hard, finds it hard to join in with other kids etc etc. It always feels like a struggle.

Maybe I am not very skilled at these things but I genuinely do try my very best. When I am on MN I often feel like people are using a similar tone to yours- ie "I can't believe you don't do this one simple thing that I do, that makes this problem magically disappear. Are you some kind of total idiot?"

OP posts:

Original poster

deliverdaniel · 22/04/2017 05:14

scarlett thanks! that's very reassuring to know and makes me feel better,

semaphorically thank you. Yes, we do our best. I always just feel that everyone else seems to be finding it much easier/ doing it much better (I don't feel that so much in real life, although occasionally- more on MN for some reason.)

OP posts:

dangermouseisace · 22/04/2017 05:26

Some of the judgey 'advice' makes me laugh. Sometimes I think it's coming from inexperience or stealth boasting…like people think they've got to put up a front even online (WTAF is that about?). Also, I think some people just say things to be goady.

All kids are different. I thought I knew it all, until I had child number 3 and it swiftly became apparent that I did not and the previous rules did not apply! Take the things that you find helpful from Mumsnet and hold onto them, and ignore the bits that you don't.

Original poster

deliverdaniel · 22/04/2017 05:29

thanks dangermouse that's good advice. And yes! It's weird- in real life I never seem to meet people whose kids are always perfect and who always gets it right, but on here everyone seems to be so supremely confident and incredibly judgey of anyone who doesn't meet their standards. it's so odd. I think maybe I need to take a break, but I also find it very addictive.

OP posts:

user1491572121 · 22/04/2017 05:30

If anyone seems judgey here OP, it's YOU.

Original poster

deliverdaniel · 22/04/2017 05:31

user ok thanks for that. Why?

OP posts:

user1491572121 · 22/04/2017 05:32

All these posts you made below...inferring people here are either liars or judgemental idiots.

When I am on MN I often feel like people are using a similar tone to yours- ie "I can't believe you don't do this one simple thing that I do, that makes this problem magically disappear

I always just feel that everyone else seems to be finding it much easier/ doing it much better (I don't feel that so much in real life, although occasionally- more on MN for some reason.)

In real life I never seem to meet people whose kids are always perfect and who always gets it right, but on here everyone seems to be so supremely confident and incredibly judgey of anyone who doesn't meet their standards

dangermouseisace · 22/04/2017 05:33

hmm I think user is being a prime example of a GF

Original poster

deliverdaniel · 22/04/2017 05:35

Not suggesting people are liars at all- someone else inferred that not me. No- I think (most) people are almost certainly telling the truth, which is why I feel insecure.

On that last comment you pasted- when I say 'everyone' that is a figure of speech. Obv I don't literally mean everyone. Many people are supportive and generous. Sorry if that wasn't clear.

OP posts:

Original poster

deliverdaniel · 22/04/2017 05:37

dangermouse what is a GF?

OP posts:

user1491572121 · 22/04/2017 05:38

Well you say you're not suggesting people are liars OP but you post multiple times about how you never seem to meet these people in real life. Only on MN.

Original poster

deliverdaniel · 22/04/2017 05:39

user - my life here is atypical. I live abroad. Meet a generally pretty different demographic than probably most mumsnet users (or that's my guess anyway)- nothing to do with people being liars. If I really thought people were lying then it wouldn't make me feel insecure!

OP posts:

Megbert · 22/04/2017 05:42

MN has a lot of posters that are full of shit.

It's very easy to type away how you spent the afternoon making fresh pasta with your three-year-old who was able to julienne carrots while you sauteed the red onions.

(I exaggerate of course)

Most of us are flailing in our own way but aren't brave enough to start a thread about it.

A superior, judgemental poster isn't going to post about the crappy side of their life.

picklemepopcorn · 22/04/2017 05:46

Deliver, GF is a goady fucker.

Danger mouse at least you had dc1,2 first. My ds1 was like your DS 3. I nearly topped meself! DS2 was a doddle! Though even he was considered strong willed by the other mum's (amateurs!).

My MN insecurity is how everyone else on here has a high sex drive and knows how to do confrontation/ stand up for themselves. I'm an overly polite pushover!

Original poster

deliverdaniel · 22/04/2017 05:49

pickleme thanks for explanation! yes I was wondering why I suddenly was in a nasty-seeming exchange with a complete stranger over something that seemed pretty uncontroversial- I think that's part of the problem!

and aw- thanks for sharing that! I'm a pushover too in most situations and I feel your pain. I'll rank that second on my list of MN insecurities!

OP posts:

EvilDoctorBallerinaDuck · 22/04/2017 05:53

Scarlett how do you get lovely 9yos? Mine seems to swing from toddler to teenager!

DoubleCarrick · 22/04/2017 05:56

Tbh, I think mn has a negative impact on me too. I think I'm harder on dh because of it which in truth is really unfair. He's amazing with the baby, cooks every night, does a deep clean at the weekend (although is more untidy during the week) and works hard. When ds was younger I'd go to bed early and he'd stay up till 2am with him so I could sleep and now gets up with him if I give him a nudge (I find it hard to lie in so normally get up). Yet despite all of this, mn seem to say that this is the bare minimum he should be doing. I forgot that he's a kind and decent person who will do anything for his family, who isn't a martyr and makes sure his needs are met and doesn't (often) grumble when he has to take an extra load. It makes me worried about his phone usage too thinking about it

I need to not take things on board so much.

Atenco · 22/04/2017 06:07

We all generalise from the children we have. I thought all children were like my dd, as I only had one and now I'm amazed at how different my dgd is.

I remember dd being a complete handfull when she was two. At one point she was biting, spitting and I don't know what other anti-social behaviour. I finally realised that she was not paying attention to me because I was always telling her off. So I decided I would only try to correct the biting and let the other things go. Which was fine except that we ended up visiting an elderly neighbour that afternoon and my dd was spitting and I didn't say a thing to her. Mortifying. Still the strategy did work.

Original poster

deliverdaniel · 22/04/2017 06:08

double your DH sounds lovely.

It's also the random attacks/ arguments, seemingly out of nowhere that seem so easy to get into on MN. I never get that in RL either

OP posts:

haveacupoftea · 22/04/2017 06:10

I do find myself making bold and impassioned speeches about feminism, which I never used to do. I think DP finds it quite alarming

EvilDoctorBallerinaDuck · 22/04/2017 06:13

Urgh yes deliver. Sometimes I wish I'd never posted, as someone jumps on me for an innocent comment.

DoubleCarrick · 22/04/2017 06:21

Thanks deliver he's a patient and gentle soul. Thankyou for your thread, you've reminded me to keep my expectations realistic

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