Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have mumsnet insecurities

112 replies

deliverdaniel · 22/04/2017 04:33

i am aware of the irony of posting this on here. Maybe I'm a masochist.

I find that although I often get good advice/ reassurance on here, mumsnet can also often make me feel very insecure. My biggest flash point insecurity is people posting about badly behaved children and how useless the parents must be. Eg when a poster says something like "I can't believe it when people let their toddlers have tantrums/ touch things they shouldn't / behave naughtily etc etc. My toddler invariably regularly does ALL the things they mention and I feel totally powerless to stop him even though I do my level best. I feel as though my children are pretty badly behaved, at least by mumsnet standards and it makes me feel massivevly insecure when I come on here and like a rubbish mum.

Do you have a mumsnet insecurity?

OP posts:
CassandraAusten · 22/04/2017 06:25

My DC3 went through a hitting phase when he was 2yo. There would be no warning - he'd be having a nice time with another toddler, and suddenly he'd hit them for no reason. This went on for several months. I tried everything to make him stop, and got so frustrated because nothing worked. Until suddenly one day it just stopped and never happened again!

I didn't post about it because I wasn't a mumsnetter at the time. But I can imagine lots of posters piling in with judgy sounding advice.

I can also imagine being one of those judgy posters if I'd seen a thread on this before I had DC3, as both DC1 and DC2 were very well behaved and never hit another child. So before DC3 came along I genuinely believed that was a result of my parenting, and anyone with a hitting child must be doing something wrong.

Basically, it's very difficult to see other people's perspectives if you haven't been in that situation yourself.

Hang in there OP. My DC3 is now a lovely well behaved 7yo!

ragged · 22/04/2017 06:33

yes MN makes me feel like a crap failure & always has done.
.
If I met MNers in real life I'd quickly figure out I have nothing in common with many (?most) of them so no need to esp. rate their opinions & I wouldn't much listen, or I'd pick up on their billion hypocrisies & put their comments in that context. But you miss all those social cues online so their criticisms end up permeating too deep. Daft for sure.

And then some posters R so confident but blinkered & not as knowledgeable (knee-jerkness, too). Meh.

Mummyoflittledragon · 22/04/2017 06:33

There are a proportion of people, who use this site as a type of therapy. It doesn't cost anything to be here, unlike private therapy and it's nigh on impossible to get decent counselling on the NHS. Some of them are spoiling for a fight as they are very angry and use mumsnet as a way to vent. Others are in pain and are more submissive and can end up feeling battered and bruised. It is also easy to get sucked into the herd mentality when an op is doing or saying something stupid and then loads of people pile in, even when the op has acknowledged the error of their ways.

We are all human and we are all flawed. There aren't many people out there specifically trying to make another person feel bad or inadequate. They're trying to make sense of the world or trying to make themselves feel better. They're also trying to connect to people in the outside world perhaps sometimes in a clumsy and hurtful way to others. Obviously there are exceptions as well and those, who are the people, who specifically target others to cause them pain.

tigermoth · 22/04/2017 06:58

good post, mummyoflittledragon

Bluntness100 · 22/04/2017 07:07

Not suggesting people are liars at all- someone else inferred that not me

Ach, there is tons of bullshit on this forum, don't let anyone tell you otherwise. It's all make up free folks with their pubes hanging out at the pool, who make a chicken last seventeen days and feel rich whilst living on six grand a year but love a bit of boden, oh and like to call everyone a cunt. It's life's great tapestry. It's fab, don't be insecure. 😁

DeadGood · 22/04/2017 07:09

" on MN I often feel like people are using a similar tone to yours- ie "I can't believe you don't do this one simple thing that I do, that makes this problem magically disappear. Are you some kind of total idiot?""

What an excellent way of putting it OP!

CountryCaterpillar · 22/04/2017 07:25

Ha blunt I often notice the other end. Where 70 grand isn't a high income, everyone seems to have good pensions, jobs they'd like to return to. Kids doing music at a reasonable level. Used to notice the one bed flat in central Londons perfect life a lot..... Until we realised she wasn't real!
That did teach me somehing.

laundryelf · 22/04/2017 07:34

Totally agree with Mummyoflittle dragon, so many posters seem to use MN as personal therapy to vent their own stuff.

Stilllivinginazoo · 22/04/2017 07:34

Mn great for urgent advice (daily fails sepsis thread was prime example)

Aibu often full people spoiling for fights,rather than light hearted banter

Behind a,screen its easy to be more judgmental and bitchy than in RL

Don't let yourself feel insecure over it.enjoy the "company", have a laugh etc then go back to your real world knowing in YOUR life you are doing the best you can.final piece advice-as a mum if you don't feel guilty at some points you ain't doing it rightWink

BoboChic · 22/04/2017 07:41

OP - there are posters who lie, believe me! Whopping great ones, sometimes.

BoboChic · 22/04/2017 07:44

And there are also posters who in days gone by would have been called nags. I quite often eye roll at just how badly some posters think husbands can be treated!

picklemepopcorn · 22/04/2017 07:56

Cupoftea, yes the feminism! I can't believe I was so blind! I've gone a few years thinking the world had got better, due to my personal circle, now I'm looking above the parapets again, it's all still going on!

BusterGonad · 22/04/2017 08:08

User1491 probably hasn't even got children, many a good advice has been given until they pop their own out, and then suddenly they shut up after that! 😂

Chavelita · 22/04/2017 08:08

Don't worry, OP. I think it's probably more apparent if you come from, or live, abroad possibly in a more child-friendly culture? but large chunks of the kind of thread you're talking about just testify to how a vocal subsection of this country, parents as well as non-parents, simply don't like children out in public at all, unless practically invisible/ inaudible. If they're not complaining about 'badly behaved' children, they complain about people being too obviously involved with their children in public -- this is dubbed 'performance parenting',, and is the ultimate Mn sin.

BusterGonad · 22/04/2017 08:10

Bluntness 😂 that's the best post. Yes we live pubes to our knees, bare natural faces and don't forget we have 3 months salary in the bank, just in case!!!!

homebytheriver · 22/04/2017 08:16

I'm glad someone else has said about high expectations in relationships.

I honestly wondered if my standards were ridiculously low.

The idea of a parent - male or female - going out to work and then coming in and with no time to have a wee even (as they've been spending the day doing nothing but drinking hot tea and weeing) have children flung at them and have to take their turn now cooking, cleaning and child caring!

homebytheriver · 22/04/2017 08:18

What is a one bed flat in London perfect life?

TheElephantofSurprise · 22/04/2017 08:19

MN has a lot of posters that are full of shit.
Let's face it, we're all people who think our opinions are worth airing or we wouldn't post at all.

ClarkWGriswold · 22/04/2017 08:23

I'm still not over the post about white front doors being common. Everyone in our cul-de-sac has got a white front door including us. I'm trying not to take it personally hopes no one now tells me cul-de-sacs are common

Chavelita · 22/04/2017 08:25

God, my eye-opener on Mn is how appallingly low many women's expectations of their relationships are, judging by the relationships board.

SleepFreeZone · 22/04/2017 08:28

Goady Fuckers run free here sadly.

I think people just like to anonymously vent on message boards so opinions come across much stronger than in real life. I agree with the PP who said that they don't judge as long as it looks like a parent is actively trying to do something.

My pet peeve is my preschool gaggle at the park. There are two kids who actively seek out my 14 month old and knock him over. Their parents are never bloody watching, too busy gassing with their mates. I watch my kids, not helicopter them (well I do the baby) but I keep an eye on my four year old too and if I see he is being a shit pull him up on it.

unlimiteddilutingjuice · 22/04/2017 08:32

I always thought everyone on Mumsnet was rich. Then I joined a Facebook group, off the back of a pre natal thread. (So, as random a selection as you could get- pregnancy the only thing we had in common)
They were all normal people In ordinary jobs!
I see through you now, Mumsnet Grin

I still sort of believe all your kids a geniuses though Hmm

CoffeeAndOranges · 22/04/2017 08:51

All MNers kids eat like horses and are borderline underweight. I have never seen a single MNer mention that they are worried their child might be overweight, it's always the other way around.

homebytheriver · 22/04/2017 08:52

I have tbf.

BoboChic · 22/04/2017 09:21

homebytheriver - yes! And the follow on script is he runs off with an OW and is a bastard.

It's such an old story...