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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have mumsnet insecurities

112 replies

deliverdaniel · 22/04/2017 04:33

i am aware of the irony of posting this on here. Maybe I'm a masochist.

I find that although I often get good advice/ reassurance on here, mumsnet can also often make me feel very insecure. My biggest flash point insecurity is people posting about badly behaved children and how useless the parents must be. Eg when a poster says something like "I can't believe it when people let their toddlers have tantrums/ touch things they shouldn't / behave naughtily etc etc. My toddler invariably regularly does ALL the things they mention and I feel totally powerless to stop him even though I do my level best. I feel as though my children are pretty badly behaved, at least by mumsnet standards and it makes me feel massivevly insecure when I come on here and like a rubbish mum.

Do you have a mumsnet insecurity?

OP posts:
BusterGonad · 22/04/2017 09:26

Yes the OW....I was reading a thread that involved designer handbags, shoes etc and was feeling a bit Envy until I realized that all was not as amazing as it seemed!!!!

Spudlet · 22/04/2017 09:33

My MN insecurities are:

My 98 percentile (weight and length) son is overweight and over tall. The fact that he has been on that centile since the moment he was born is irrelevant...

As a SAHM, I will never ever get another job and am essentially a foolish drudge who is a burden on my poor, used and abused DH. The fact that I personally know many women who took time out with their young children then returned to satisfying work is, again, neither here nor thereConfused

My front door is white Shock

None of these insecurities are rational or factual and actually, when they start to niggle, I find the best thing to do is to Step Away From The Thread.

People do embellish on forums, all the time. I've been in a position to have known the full backstory to a thread on another forum which turned into a viral nightmare and the distortions being presented as fact were shocking (as was the real life impact on a number of people I knew, none of which the rabid posters were ever aware of). I don't see why this forum is any different. It is also a useful place for support and information and generally a fun way to waste some time, and there are some lovely, wise posters! But it should always be taken with a healthy pinch of low-sodium, ethically sourced, gender neutral salt Grin

Zaphodsotherhead · 22/04/2017 09:46

Oh the Mumsnet insecurity! Apparently all I have to do to lift myself from rural poverty is take in ironing, do dogwalking, cleaning etc and suddenly I will have plenty of money! I suspect that some people equate 'rural' with 'idyllic', and 'poor' with 'lazy and just needs another four jobs to be financially fine'.

BusterGonad · 22/04/2017 09:47

My biggest insecurity is that I've been ironing my neighbors clothes for months and I've still not saved enough for a deposit on a 4 bed detached on Notting Hill.

BusterGonad · 22/04/2017 09:48

Zap X post! 😂

LucyFuckingPevensie · 22/04/2017 09:48

My front door is white
I have feature walls, brown leather sofas and a tv on the wall above my fire place.
My children sometimes drink coke.
They're not gifted and talented.
I am a shit Mner.
I do drink gin though.

BusterGonad · 22/04/2017 09:52

I live off my husbands wages, my sons in at school too so don't expect him to clean the house, or iron his clothes, and I pack his suit case when he's at work if he leaves the stuff on the bed for me! I'm a shit woman! I've lowered myself to the life of a guttersnipe!

badabing36 · 22/04/2017 10:05

Trying to stop mumsnetting so much as I feel I am becoming a goady fucker- it's going so well Grin.

Every time I post a pithy comment I think oh no, what if someone with pnd is reading etc and then I go into a shame spiral. Just had an argument with what was hopefully a troll last night and feel heartily ashamed of myself. Oh well.

badabing36 · 22/04/2017 10:06

So hopefully if someone makes you feel bad op they might feel guilty afterwards.

Alexandra87 · 22/04/2017 10:40

Mn is a lot like Facebook. There are many on here who love to shout from the rooftops about the bits they are getting right but not as keen to share the bits they are getting wrong. Nobody's the perfect parent/wife/employee whatever all you can do is try your best.

CheerfulMuddler · 22/04/2017 11:10

My insecurities aren't about parenting, but hygiene/tidiness. I hate housework, my house is always a tip, and if the baby is cleanish, I feel like I'm doing okay. I know i shouldn't click on any of the housework threads, but I always feel like such a failure when I do.

Mind you, I feel insecure about this in real life too.

I'm also one of those bare-faced, pubes-to-her-ankles types, and believe me, the how-could-you-possibly, that's-disgusting comments still hurt even if the rest of the thread is saying fuck it. It makes me feel fourteen again, and being laughed at in gym class for not shaving my legs.

BusterGonad · 22/04/2017 11:20

Cheerful sorry if my comment upset you! The pubes threads are annoying because whichever you choose you'll made to feel like a weirdo! My house is messy but as long as the kitchen is clean I'm happy! Children need a bit of dirt imo.

CheerfulMuddler · 22/04/2017 12:22

Oh, sorry, I didn't mean that as a dig at anyone on this thread! Just ... I guess even if most of a thread agrees with you, it doesn't mean differing opinions won't hurt

And that this is more about what your own insecurities are, I guess. Although I completely agree that mumsnet does enhance them, and there are some awful smug bastards on here.

BusterGonad · 22/04/2017 12:40

There are so many smug bastards on here but who knows what their life is really like? I find it hard to believe how many people on here are as loaded as they make out, that their kids slept through from the beginning, that they never argue with their partner etc.... the pubes and make up thing is just one of the threads where either party gets slated, more so the make up wearers and pube trimmers! 😂

wasonthelist · 22/04/2017 12:41

Sometimes I wish I'd never posted, as someone jumps on me for an innocent comment.

This - I had an entire thread reported and deleted recently - I honestly didn't think it was that bad (and I certainly didn't mean to offend - it wasn't racist) - and immediately prior to deletion some people had told the reporter s/he was overreacting, and the reporter actually launched a personal attack on me which disappeared due to thread deletion. Upon reflection, I shouldn't have started it, but I was honestly shocked at the reaction of some people and MNHQ.

wasonthelist · 22/04/2017 12:42

I am quite glad I don't own a cat or have one shitting in my garden either :)

CheerfulMuddler · 22/04/2017 12:43

Tis true. I guess people with strong feelings gravitate towards the thread title. The same way everyone on MN sleeps naked ...

ScarlettFreestone · 22/04/2017 13:53

EvilDoctor I'm not really sure.

I have low level fear that they are suddenly going to turn in to horrible teenagers. Times two!!!

I'm appreciating their loveliness now for as long as it lasts

Original poster
deliverdaniel · 22/04/2017 14:33

thanks everyone. Most of these replies have made me feel much better.

cheerfulmuddler
I guess people with strong feelings gravitate towards the thread title.

This is very insightful. There was a thread on here a few days ago when someone was saying that their 20 month old was saying the whole alphabet/ counting etc. And everyone was piling on to tell her that that is completely normal/ their DCs were doing the same etc and pissing on her fireworks. But in my exp no 20 month old I've met is doing that, or if they were, everyone would think they were very clever and advanced. Surely a case of what you are talking about- ie people with v advanced kids saw the thread title and thought they would reply whereas all the normal parents didn't think it was interesting/ relevant enough to respond. (also another insecurity of mine btw- are everyone else's kids really that advanced? learning to read at 2, Reading Harry Potter in reception??? I always think that DS is doing well at school until I come on here!)

And the weird arguments. I got into some really nasty argument with someone about air travel with toddlers recently- got called entitled/ useless ableist etc etc. It was awful, and really spoiled my day and left me feeling pretty terrible. Even though I had repeatedly said that I was doing my absolute best/ never "let" my toddler bother other people/ was mortified whenever it happened etc etc.

OP posts:
LittleWingSoul · 22/04/2017 14:38

I often don't post a reply because I'm scared of the backlash... It may just be words on the Internet but I'm sensitive like that... I deleted my twitter account the first and only time I got trolled!

Original poster
deliverdaniel · 22/04/2017 14:43

LIttlewingsoul agree- its something to do with the tone on here somehow. I just read a thread w a poster talking about suffering from depression and other mental health issues and people were being so rude and dismissive (disagreement/ debate is fine IMO but sometimes people really don't take the time to think of the impact their words and tone might have on someone)

OP posts:
StillStayingClassySanDiego · 22/04/2017 14:45

It's worth remembering to take everything you read on here with a shovel of salt.

We have no way of knowing what's true or if it's bollocks. I've been here 7/8 years and it has become nastier, some posters like to jump in to be first with the snotty and aggressive comments.

Do remember they are words on a screen , hard as it is try to ignore them.

Original poster
deliverdaniel · 22/04/2017 14:51

stillstayingclassy yes you are right. And obv it's a bit ironic me sitting on here on a saturday morning discussing how rubbish it makes me feel! It's something about it that sucks me in, so even when it's making me feel worse, I can't stop!

(I have also had some great encounters on here too, which I guess is the point. If it was all bad I wouldn't be coming back...)

OP posts:
LittleWingSoul · 22/04/2017 14:58

Like the thread about changing a nappy in a café... I didn't post what I really thought as apparently I'm 'grim'. I can't have been the only dissenting lurker on that one - who would dare oppose the consensus though?!

NoncommittalToSparkleMotion · 22/04/2017 14:59

I have been jumped on a few times on a thread for things that, to me, were completely mundane or, dare I say it, in a lighthearted tone.

The first time it happened I felt so terrible and thought, wow, I'm an awful person for hurting that stranger with my opinion. I genuinely felt like crap.

After the second time, I just realized I was being disagreed with, vehemently, and there was nothing I could say to sway them.

Third time? Was just a "What the fuck ever, that was a bit of an exaggeration."

I think people just read things in their own way depending on how they feel. And it's easier to be pissed off at a stranger on the Internet than family/friends/acquaintances who you have to deal with face to face all the time.

Usually though, I'm just one reply in a sea of hundreds so really make no impact. Threads go on.

The white door thing, though...still smarts.