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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD14 won't let me go to the school concert where she has a solo piece- WIBU to go anyway?

51 replies

Evelight · 22/04/2017 01:55

I don't think I'm an embarrassing mom? I don't dye my hair bright pink or wear "interesting" clothes- I'm very "hands-off". I've been known to skip parent-teacher interviews.

And I get teenagers don't like their parents around much in front of their friends. But seriously- i only want to sit and watch! I won't be interacting with her friends! And I get it- it's NBD- just a silly school band, it's not the grammys, I'm not being beyonce's mom, whatever. I'd just like to see my daughter play a solo piece in her school band - they are performing at a local uni. What is so dreadful about that? I have never seen her play trumpet properly since she started with the school band a couple of years ago. i am paying for that instrument every month!

She is very vocal in her refusal that I shouldn't go- and the argument threatens to become a horrible fight about a bunch of other stuff about family issues- non-related to the band and music.

Anyway, I'm really tempted to go and just slip in the auditorium and watch the show. WIBU?

OP posts:
SashaSays · 22/04/2017 02:00

Do you think you going would make her nervous and put her under pressure while performing?? Yanbu not go but maybe just keep a low profile. Lol

chitofftheshovel · 22/04/2017 02:02

Non negotiable - you are going to go and watch. You are a proud mum and so you should be, she needs a reality check that she would not be where she is now had you not facilitated it.

But no idea how you get that across to her, sorry.

Original poster
Evelight · 22/04/2017 02:04

Yeah- I actually realised typing this out that I probably shouldn't go without telling her in case the surprise sight of me makes her nervous and fumble. If I do end up going, she should be fully aware beforehand.

OP posts:
Original poster
Evelight · 22/04/2017 02:05

I mean, it's kinda hurtful, tbh, that she doesn't want me there?

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 22/04/2017 02:08

Why is she saying she doesn't want you there?

Original poster
Evelight · 22/04/2017 02:10

No reason. Just yelling "Nooooo- you can't come! promise meeeee!"

Why did she even tell me about the solo piece?

She didn't realise I'd be so proud for her. She realised she had made a mistake the moment she told me and she saw the mad-mom glint in my eye.

OP posts:
SashaSays · 22/04/2017 02:10

I think its more than likely about her being scared to mess up, if she becomes nervous by seeing you. I wouldn't take it personally to be honest, I would have a sit down chat with her and explain to her you are proud and just want to see her perform as you haven't done so in a couple of years.

NameChangeInCasePeopleRecogn · 22/04/2017 02:16

You being there ups the stakes of anything goes wrong. Definitely not on to go without her agreement.

StillHungryy · 22/04/2017 02:19

I was in a school concert, I didn't want my mum to go, and may not have performed if she did, it upset her but I knew I wasn't very good and it was for fun, would have been embarrassed if my family had been there ( although I didn't think everyone else and their family were there)

MrsTerryPratchett · 22/04/2017 02:26

It is really sweet, in a way, if you think about it. She cares what you think. She'd be nervous if you were there.

gluteustothemaximus · 22/04/2017 02:35

I wouldn't go.

Would just say, it's a shame, you'd love to see her perform, but if she doesn't want you there, you won't go.

Either she'll then say ok come, or she'll be happy you've listened.

Will it be recorded/filmed?

justinhawkinsnavalfluff · 22/04/2017 02:38

At DS school recently they allowed a parent to sit outside and watch so that their child didn't know they were there to accommodate the same issue. Could u try that?

BadLad · 22/04/2017 02:43

I don't think I'm an embarrassing mom? I don't dye my hair bright pink or wear "interesting" clothes

How about pyjamas?

I think you'd be unreasonable to go. I'm quite good on the ivories, but found my parents watching in school concerts extremely off-putting.

DonkeyOaty · 22/04/2017 06:38

Can you find out the running order, slip in just before her appearance then slide out after her set and go home to be found with your cocoa and comfy slippers?

She thinks she'll be put off by knowing you're there I reckon.

DeadGood · 22/04/2017 07:01

I'm sure it feels bad, but you must stop taking this as an insult.

She doesn't want you there because it will make her nervous and embarrassed - in front of you, not because of you.

I used to hate performing in front of people i knew. The reply was always "but the audience is all people you know!" Hmm Yes, that's exactly why I don't want to!

kmc1111 · 22/04/2017 07:02

I wouldn't go.

It's a different thing performing for family. Not having them there takes some pressure off because if you screw up at least you don't have to hear about it at home.

tigermoth · 22/04/2017 07:09

If this is the first time she's performed in public with the band then I guess it's reasonable to comply with her wishes.

Will there be other band performances you could go to? Is she saying she doesn't want you to watch her ever perform or is it just for this particular performance?

Can you respect her wishes on this, but make it clear you do want to see her at some future shows?

Gamtanner · 22/04/2017 07:12

My DS asked me not to go to a short play he was in at school. I didn't listen. He went on stage, dried up and cried. Couldn't go on. Play was halted.

I've never been to anything he's done since. I support his drama work and tell him I'm proud of him but somehow having me there puts too much pressure on him and he can't cope.

user1491572121 · 22/04/2017 07:17

My DD aged 12 asked me not to go to her play. I was a bit upset but respected that. She couldn;t relax with me there and it wasn't about me...it was HER performance.

NotYoda · 22/04/2017 07:18

I'd go without her knowing, and then keep it to yourself. Feel proud internally

Your feelings don't trump hers here. She's a young woman and not just your daughter. It may be important to her now to get her self-esteem from doing things for herself, not just from you seeing them

thisagain · 22/04/2017 07:18

I think it depends why she doesn't want you there. If it's nerves, then I'd except it. Any other reason and I'd be going.

NotYoda · 22/04/2017 07:20

If you look back at your OP it's all about how you feel, what you feel insecure about, and what you have paid for.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 22/04/2017 07:22

Why do you say it's 'just a silly' school band? Has she picked up that attitude and maybe imagines you don't think much of it anyway?

Regardless of that, if she's playing a solo she's likely to be nervous anyway, and maybe the thought of you watching will make her even more so.

If it were me, Ind probably go, but I'd sit at the back in a wig and sunglasses!

kingscrossnoodle · 22/04/2017 07:24

Non negotiable - you are going to go and watch. You are a proud mum and so you should be, she needs a reality check that she would not be where she is now had you not facilitated it. OMG that's really harsh.

I would respect my teenagers choice, because teaching respect is better than stamping your feet like a petulant toddler!

Stopthatdog · 22/04/2017 07:25

Is there an alternative like asking someone to video it?