Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD14 won't let me go to the school concert where she has a solo piece- WIBU to go anyway?

51 replies

Evelight · 22/04/2017 01:55

I don't think I'm an embarrassing mom? I don't dye my hair bright pink or wear "interesting" clothes- I'm very "hands-off". I've been known to skip parent-teacher interviews.

And I get teenagers don't like their parents around much in front of their friends. But seriously- i only want to sit and watch! I won't be interacting with her friends! And I get it- it's NBD- just a silly school band, it's not the grammys, I'm not being beyonce's mom, whatever. I'd just like to see my daughter play a solo piece in her school band - they are performing at a local uni. What is so dreadful about that? I have never seen her play trumpet properly since she started with the school band a couple of years ago. i am paying for that instrument every month!

She is very vocal in her refusal that I shouldn't go- and the argument threatens to become a horrible fight about a bunch of other stuff about family issues- non-related to the band and music.

Anyway, I'm really tempted to go and just slip in the auditorium and watch the show. WIBU?

OP posts:
winefortea · 22/04/2017 07:25

Could you compromise and get someone to film it for you?

NeverTwerkNaked · 22/04/2017 07:28

I think you should respect her wishes.

The idea of getting someone to video seems like a fair compromise.

NotMyPenguin · 22/04/2017 07:34

What are the other family issues that are threatening to come up as part of this argument?

I just wonder whether it's about a bigger theme (for her, anyway). The fact that they are coming up now could be an indication that there is some link...

NotYoda · 22/04/2017 07:36

Oooh yes, videoing is an better idea.

NotYoda · 22/04/2017 07:37

NotMyPenguin

Yes, I think so too

Noteventhebestdrummer · 22/04/2017 07:41

I had this too but I told DS I'd come and sit where he couldn't see me, that was ok for him.

IloveBanff · 22/04/2017 07:41

I think you would be very wrong to go when she is so adamant that she doesn't want you there.

Skala123 · 22/04/2017 07:42

Is there a chance she's up to something? As in the concert is just a ruse for her going somewhere you wouldn't approve of?

noschooll4mee · 22/04/2017 07:48

She's 14 ! I think if she's performing a solo piece to an audience , her mother being in the audience shouldn't affect her that much - or she shouldn't have the piece to do at all ! Tell her to get a grip and get over herself . You love her , you're proud and you're going. Jeez , you're not going to sit in the front row waving , shouting and taking snaps ! Dont pander to this.

kingscrossnoodle · 22/04/2017 07:54

She's 14 ! I think if she's performing a solo piece to an audience , her mother being in the audience shouldn't affect her that much - or she shouldn't have the piece to do at all ! Tell her to get a grip and get over herself .. Fucksake

HardcoreLadyType · 22/04/2017 07:55

This is so hard for you, I know, but I think you have to do as she asks.

DD1 wouldn't let me go to the performance of her A level music composition. In fact, she herself spent the performance hidden under the timpani in another room of the school.

She ended up getting very high marks for the piece, so it wasn't as if it wasn't any good, but she had a horrible maternity cover teacher who had sapped her of all confidence in her abilities.

I was upset that she didn't want me there, but I felt I had to respect her wishes.

Tell her you'd like to be there, but you will stay away, if that's what she really wants. Let her know that you're pleased and proud she was picked.

Parenting teenagers can be really hard. Letting go just enough but not too much is such a delicate balance. Have some Flowers

PandasRock · 22/04/2017 08:03

When is the concert?

How much time is left for this to calm down and blow over?

My dd2 is a bit like this. I haven't (yet) had any outright bans on attending, but she is definitely more nervous that family are watching than anyone else - the stakes are higher for her.

I do lots of calm reassurance and support - tell her she wouldn't have been picked for XYZ if the person in charge didn't think she could do it (to whatever level the concert is - so for a formal one of a high standard, my reassurances are very different than for the 'fun' Ines where everyone is there more for atmosphere than high quality music!) and that she will perform her bit the same whether I am there or not.

I don't sit centre front, so as not to distract her (but came a cropper with this once when she couldn't find me in the audience and so started getting a bit agitated). I now sit somewhere she can obviously find me, but not fully in her field of vision so she can also ignore I'm there if she needs to.

Does she practice in earshot? (My dd used to refuse even that) if so, try telling her you've already heard her piece, so what difference does it make?

NotYoda · 22/04/2017 08:13

kingscrossnoodle

I agree. Fucksake!

corythatwas · 22/04/2017 08:13

I'd respect her feelings. She's 14- you must have had oodles of opportunities of being "proud mum" (see, that argument goes either way).

nuttyknitter · 22/04/2017 08:15

I can't believe so many posters think you should go! Your daughter has asked you to respect her wishes - it really doesn't matter why - how will she continue to trust and respect you if you deliberately ignore her?

BewtySkoolDropowt · 22/04/2017 09:11

My son played in a music festival at a similar age at the venue that I worked in. He didn't want me there, but of course I sneaked in to watch him (in the balcony so there was no way he would see me) . I told him later I was there and it was obvious that he was pleased that I had made the effort, despite his earlier protestations.

Don't take it personally, and definitely go.

NameChangeInCasePeopleRecogn · 22/04/2017 12:55

If you betray her trust on this you really can't complain if she goes on to betray your trust at some point in the future.

Witchend · 22/04/2017 13:32

Ask someone who's going to film it

M5tothesouthwest · 22/04/2017 13:44

I sympathise with your DD. As a young musician I pulled out of solo concerts several times because I was too nervous / found it too awkward to play in front of my parents. I knew I was being unreasonable (because they paid for lessons / instrument / wanted to be there ) but I couldn't overcome the emotional problems.

Feadog · 22/04/2017 13:47

Of course you can't go! Show her some respect ffs, or she won't trust you with her feelings and wishes in the future. Is that what you want?

And what exactly is wrong with pink hair etc? So small-minded. Round here no-one would care about that sort of thing, kids or adults.

RaptorInaPorkPieHat · 22/04/2017 13:50

I had this with DD about the same age, she had terrible stage fright (still has it to an extent) and found things easier to do if we weren't there.

I remember one choir performance (xmas concert) where I didn't go but arrived early to pick her up. I sat in the bloody freezing church porch and listened because I didn't want her to freak out if I snuck in.

That phase lasted about 2 years, her confidence has improved and we are now allowed to watch.

If we had pushed her on us being there, I think she probably would have given it up entirely, so from our point of view it was worth going along with her wishes.

elevenclips · 22/04/2017 13:53

It will be easier for her if you don't go. So don't go. I think you should respect these wishes. These performances are easier in front of strangers, it isn't some kind of "fuck you".

SheSaidHeSaid · 22/04/2017 13:56

I think it'll be that seeing you there will make her extra nervous as I was the same as her when I did performances at school, I practically begged my mum not to come or I tried to dumb it down to stop her going as it made me nervy and shy.

londonmummy1966 · 22/04/2017 14:02

I agree with the PPs who have said it might be that you make her more nervous. I still perform sometimes and I will never play solo if I know people in the audience as it really adds to the pressure. I do sympathise though OP as my 13 yo recently had a solo in a big concert and I wasn't allowed to go. I got someone to record it discreetly on their phone without her knowing.

If you really want to be there then I suggest you sit outside to listen and don't let her know you are going!

Original poster
Evelight · 22/04/2017 14:52

Thanks for the responses- so we had another chat about it this morning where we were not tired and at the tail end of a busy school day- and we made a compromise that I wouldn't go to this, sneakily or not, but I would go to the spring concert which will be held at school and less pressure environment. There's no telling if she'll have a solo piece at the school spring concert, but whatevs.

Answer to some questions: She would be definitely going to the concert and not bunking off somewhere else- the teacher has emailed us about it, I've already signed this huge 4-page consent form we have to sign each time they go out of school and there will be other chaperones. If she didn't go when she was supposed to I'd be hearing about it for sure.

"silly school band"- her words not mine- in fact her words were probably harsher. Despite being "hands-off" I always hold school and the teachers and her studies in high regard- she's had music lessons since 7 and I would never diss her activities and work.

"Bright pink hair"- nothing wrong with it at all- bit of an inside joke as I sometimes "threaten" my DCs wth dying my hair pink and they scream nooooooo... I don't know why they're very concerned with "image"-

"other family issues"- ugh everything- chores, tidying up, how she talks to her younger brother, the time she spends on her phone... I guess typical stuff for teenagers?

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread