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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this toddler needed a severe telling off?

143 replies

newmumwithquestions · 21/04/2017 15:41

At a busy play centre:
There's a toddler - I'd guess around 2. He's being pretty lairy, this is what we observed:
He tries to drag another toddler out of a ride on car.
He pushes over a younger toddler.
He hits an older toddler in the face - amazingly they don't retaliate.
He takes a wooden stick and uses it to hit another slightly younger toddler on the head.
I have one of mine on my knee, my family member is child free and goes over 3 times and tells him to stop, removes the stick etc. She doesn't shout.

We ask a couple of other mums but can't work out who his parent is. Then he goes over to one of mine, younger than him, hits her in the face. She falls over, falls backwards and hits her head. Lots of screaming. My family member picks her up and shouts at toddler ('don't you hit her again'). Toddler starts crying.

Parent is still unaware. I ask again who the parent of small toddler is and eventually find parent. I tell parent what has happened. Parent apologises for him hitting her but does not make him say sorry, does not tell him off, does not ask if my DD is OK, does not ask what other children have been hit.

Parent is angry their child has been shouted at.

I think they should have been watching their toddler who frankly deserved a lot more than a few shouted words?

AIBU?

OP posts:
SparklyUnicornPoo · 21/04/2017 16:31

avoiding this ridiculous nonsense was one reason I send my children to prep school and had them tutored for grammar school hahaha, sorry, what? You get behaviour like this in prep schools and grammar schools too. I have a DD at prep and DS at grammar, both have come home before now with bruises from other children, I'd go as far to say that the state primary school I work in are a damn site quicker at sorting bullying out as well.

SoloDance · 21/04/2017 16:38

Prize for the most ridiculous post on the thread goes to ExConstance.

MiltopMighty · 21/04/2017 16:39

I second that, SoloDance

TheMysteriousJackelope · 21/04/2017 16:47

One thing you could have done was alerted the staff to an abandoned child in the play area. They could have removed the child, used a PA to locate the parent, and then asked her to take him home as he obviously wasn't coping well with the situation.

The response to the mother could have been 'If you would act like a parent, we wouldn't have to'. If she'd been watching and intervening complete strangers would never have got close enough to yell at her DS, and he'd never have had the opportunity to provoke such a reaction. Yelling at a toddler is not great, I imagine he was just totally confused about what was going on and didn't learn anything from that, but the only alternative would have been to grab him and hold him away from other children, which the mother would have liked even less, and probably would have freaked him completely out.

TinselTwins · 21/04/2017 16:50

The parents of the kid were UR

AND your family member were UR

the toddler needed help managing behaviour not a demonstration of more bad behaviour (shouting) from adults

TinselTwins · 21/04/2017 16:52

All of you saying that the child should not have been shouted at, must be bloody saints.

In that situation I would have said "that is not okay" to the child and removed mine to safety. I would have been cross, I wouldn't have shouted at a 2 year old, I would never shout at a 2 year old and I have had a couple of my own!

user1484578224 · 21/04/2017 16:54

parent couldn't be arsed. Child is a pain. Child needs reprimanding. Child who has been hit needs safety.

user1492528619 · 21/04/2017 17:00

If this was the fourth intervention I imagine that the tone of the telling off got sterner and sterner. I also doubt the shouting was premeditated, more likely shock in the severity of the push and the want to just get him to stop. Hindsight is a wonderful thing and whilst getting the staff or speaking to the child herself to locate the parents would have been ideal. The OP and her family prioritised her children, as the other parent should. It's not their responsibility to track down the mum, they at least intervened more than other parents

Zebra31 · 21/04/2017 17:01

Dump and run parents are a pain in the arse. However I think your family member was unreasonable for shouting at a 2 year old. In this situation I would have removed my DC.

The 2 year olds mother was BVU for not supervising her DC and in your situation I would have no hesitation telling her.

limitedperiodonly · 21/04/2017 17:05

He's two. This is what many small children do.

I understand your family member losing control and shouting at him. We all do things we shouldn't out of frustration. It was unfortunate that he cried but that is what small children do when adults shout at them. Adults shouldn't do that, primarily because it's pointless and doesn't teach anyone anything.

The child's parent was right to apologise to you but I wouldn't have made my two-year-old apologise. Especially if he was still crying. It's pointless and I'd just want to remove myself from the situation. I would be a bit pissed off if my small child was crying uncontrollably because someone had shouted at him but I'd probably just leave without making something of it. Which is what the person did.

Where was the parent while all this was going on?

EleanorRigbysNeice · 21/04/2017 17:07

Crap parenting. My son was like this as a toddler. He was a nightmare who was eventually found to have severe autism and was simply overloaded by the groups/sing songs/noise/play/proximity of others. H O W E V E R...... I had to sit within a short arm's distance of him AT ALL TIMES. Eventually, we stopped going to playgroups and so began the long road to isolation, for him and me.

YANBU Op. Bad parenting and no appropriate supervision.

Bluebell28 · 21/04/2017 17:14

No little toddler should be shouted at ever

murmuration · 21/04/2017 17:23

Actually, not entirely missing the point epoxy - my child was 2.5 before she could say much at all. I had a waitress withhold food from her asking her to say that "magic word" when she was just past 3 and I kept explaining that she could say "thank you" (well, "tetu", but we knew what it meant), could she please just put it down. It took something like 5-6 tries before she did, and yes, I was angry with her. My child had something like 12 words and one of them was 'thank you', but none were yet please. She's now 5 and the politest little bugger around (and now seems to never stop speaking... oh, those days when I was worried about her slowness to speak!)

Demanding an apology from a 2 year old does absolutely nothing - they may not have the vocabulary, and if they do, they almost certainly don't have the understanding.

TheRealPooTroll · 21/04/2017 17:27

Well what should have happened was that the mum should have been right with the toddler blocking any lashing out as they are clearly going through a hitting phase. Since that wasn't happening you were well within your rights to speak to the mum/keep your kids away from hers.
The adult shouting at the 2 year old is much worse than anything the 2 year old did imo. The toddler has had 2 years to develop self control - an adult should know better.

PCDC · 21/04/2017 17:30

I think the toddler deserved a good telling off. Too much mollycoddling these days.

Spikeyball · 21/04/2017 17:30

Newmum there are plenty of children that cannot say sorry at that age or speak at all. A parent apologising is enough.

WhooooAmI24601 · 21/04/2017 17:32

I was with you til you got to the part where an adult shouted at a 2 year old. That's where I draw my own line; I've had two 2 year olds and not needed to shout at them. I work with other people's 4/5 year olds and haven't ever needed to shout at any of them, either. Stern words and a frowny face, yes, but once you shout you've lost control so it's pointless.

TheRealPooTroll · 21/04/2017 17:36

Aggressively telling a child off isn't going to help them not be aggressive. Finding out why they are lashing out and showing them better ways to react is what will help.

thethoughtfox · 21/04/2017 17:43

There is no use in forcing a child to say sorry especially one as young as two who doesn't understand what it means. It teaches them to say it insincerely. Toddlers don't have impulse control. Yes, he needs to be told it is unacceptable and it hurts people and makes them sad, then redirected to another activity and watched closely but not punished.

limitedperiodonly · 21/04/2017 17:50

I think the toddler deserved a good telling off. Too much mollycoddling these days.

UppityHumpty · 21/04/2017 18:01

It's the parents job to parent as they see fit. If they don't do it they can't complain when someone else does. At 2 a child should already know that hitting is wrong. I don't care how many of the MN brigade say it's 'normal' - it really isn't. Normal kids don't hit other kids to that extent.

StillLostDaddy · 21/04/2017 18:03

I have a 2yr old and I HAVE to shout at her sometimes because her behaviour is so out of control (various contributing factors/things she was subjected to by her dad - being addressed by professionals & do not wish to discuss on here)

Unfortunately sometimes a little bit of shouting is all SOME 2yr Old's will respond to......
For instance when she's doing something potentially dangerous/something she knows she isn't allowed to do and due to my disabilities, I can't get to her in time to stop her pulling the draining board off, that contains all my crockery etc. Therefore I have to shout. And with General naughtiness she just doesn't listen to me whatsoever, even if I'm sat next to her, unless I shout her name!

I know I'm going to be called the worst mother that ever lived but so be it!!!! I'm a disabled single mum and I'm trying my best!! Smile

LouKout · 21/04/2017 18:08

Shouting too much will just lead to her becoming shouty though.

LouKout · 21/04/2017 18:08

And as you can see she ignores it. I sympathise but hope you can find another way.

wheresthel1ght · 21/04/2017 18:11

did she shout OP or was it more she raised her voice to be louder and firmer?

I don't shout often, but I do use a much louder and firmer voice when telling my toddler off.

As for they shouldn't be given a stern telling off at 2 - what absolute flaming rubbish! No wonder we are getting kids with zero respect if they are mollycoddled and allowed to run riot. Good on your family member OP and the parent of the unruly toddler was exceptionally unreasonable and slack.