To think I should have just married a boy from my home town?

[creepymumweirdo]

Instead I found my DH is London, where neither of us are from and neither wanted to stay, and now we're both doomed to be miserable where ever we live.

We grew up on opposite sides of the country. When in our twenties and living in London, the rural ideal he holds so dear seemed appealing. I had 'outgrown' the place I grew up and was tired of family ties. I wanted to start something anew as a family, be unconventional, romantic and alternative. I know, I was a dick.

Four years later and we live in said rural backwater with our one year old. DH has his old school friends and parents close by. He enjoys his work and the people he interacts with on a daily basis give him a sense of belonging and wellbeing. Mostly he feels 'at home'.

I have no friends, no family within 250 miles, a job I find dissatisfying and no energy left by the time I've battled all these things (not to mention bringing up a toddler) to be the idealistic, artistic, interesting woman he fell in love with. All my time is taken up with work, chores and parenting in total isolation. My emotional energy is zero. I put this down to living where we do (and the monumentally shit birth experience I had followed by a year of impenetrable loneliness). He blames me for being lazy and conventional. I blame him for being insensitive and immature.

We talk about living somewhere else, maybe nearer my family, but not necessarily. It always comes down to him feeling dissatisfied anywhere else and thinking I'm betraying our shared 'vision' of what our life would be when we hatched our plan to move, have babies etc. So moving gets taken off the agenda again.

I'm so tired of struggling to make a life here. I feel like all my best qualities (sociability, love of culture, enthusiasm for change, being part of a big family) are quashed rather than celebrated. I feel guilty because he thought he was getting something and he got me instead. But life and marriage and family are full of unexpected twists and turns, and I'm open to any suggestions that might meet some of both our needs. It always ends in a row.

Am I being unreasonable to worry that this meeting of young, naive minds is doomed? What the hell do I do for the good of my new family?

Sorry for the inarticulate, self indulgent ranting. Thanks for getting this far.

Do you have any friends or family you could invite to come to where you are now? That might break things up a bit in the immediate term.

I had a period of depression in my early married life - but I didn't realise that's what it was until much later. Mine was caused by taking the Pill and I found everything exhausting and difficult. Household chores were inexplicably hard and I got very little achieved. I think you're coping far far better than I was - I am certain you are working really hard and achieving lots - but some of this feeling that you are making chores unnecessarily difficult is symptomatic of depression/ hormone changes / just being exhausted. Your husband is unfairly exploiting this to blame you. Currently he's coming across as having all the sensitivity of a brick.

I think it's still possible that you can weather this as a couple but things do need to change quite considerably. While you're waiting for the counselling to come through and be effective you need to give yourself some intense TLC. Invite friends to stay in your rural idyll and break up the days (a true friend will get a b&b or sleep in a tent in the garden if you don't have room). Take your ds on weekend excursions. Try and join in with the life of the local community but ONLY for what you stand to gain in terms of free/low cost fun, not because you ought to. Ask your dh how he can include you more in the happiness he's clearly getting from his home environment - which doesn't mean telling you to be friends with his mate's wife. Might you enjoy get togethers with all the mates and wives and children together? (BBQ season coming up?). He needs to draw you in to his life more not bugger off with his mates and tell you to sort it out yourself which is what he seems to be doing.

If none of this works (and it is work for you) then you'll need to move on. But hopefully by being kind to yourself you'll build up strength for striking out on your own if needed.

Your DH does sound selfish but I can't join in with the criticism of him working 4 days a week, as long as he is doing childcare on the 5th day and not spending it down the pub and leaving childcare to you. Yes you are poorer but spending time with his DC is more important imho. Obviously if the financial situation is unsustainable then you both need to reassess your hours and he's selfish not to do so.

The only thing you have power to change is yourself. Your attitude and outlook. You can be happy wherever you are. Moving is not the answer. Your problems are deeper than that. An unhappy marriage, unsatisfactory job, financial worries. These will all follow you.
Stay where you are, work on your relationship, try to make friends, take up a hobby for fun. Find joy in the journey.

Batteries is spot on. Your DH needs to work harder on this. Not necessarily by working more hours (though that may be part of a short- or long term solution) but on securing your happiness. He has had it all his own way up till now. As the one who is "at home" he has more responsibility to make this work for your whole family and it is more in his power to do so since he knows the area and people.

What you said years ago when you met is not set in stone - people are entitled to grow and change their minds about things as they grow up! Having a baby changes things too - you may suddenly need/want more family support.

What's this all about: he spends his days 'off' taking the baby to hang out with friends

Why don't you go with himn? Are his friends yours too?

I grew up in a rural backwater it's pretty but there are no career prospects. I ended up working in higher education and there were only specific locations both DH and I could work in. We very luckily ended up working in Universities that were only 50'miles apart.

However we live nowhere near our families, it never bothered him. I remember being really upset coming back one Christmas, when DS was a baby. Once dc went to school it seemed a lot better as I got to know people locally. I had always had my colleagues but it wasn't the same as they commuted in to work from all over the place.

I think you do sound depressed but it's not surprising with what you have been through. After that kind of trauma you would probably benefit from counselling.

Nothing wrong with working 4 days. Engineers where I work do 4 days of 12 hours it's a full time job just organised differently.

There is if it's a choice and you can't afford to buy properly fitting shoes for your dc.

I really feel for you.

DH and I are from different countries and although now back in my home town we have loads of my family but significantly less friends (as everyone moves away for higher education and jobs).

It is also hard with a young child and returning to work.

As others have said you need to be honest with your DH about how you feel and then try and work together to identify what can change. If he isn't open to that then you'll know what support you will get in future and can look at other options.

If possible may your child could have a sleepover with one of his family and you two have a drink and meal together (even a chippie) so you can really talk it out.

Can you do a list (not to give to him but to prompt you) of the key issues and any ideas you have (and what you have already tried). You may need to set a deadline in your head for change too.

I hope you can work together to improve things! (Sorry can't figure out flower icon)

Being blunt, your DH sounds rather immature - still set in his early twenties and chasing the alternative dream, blithely not worrying about how rent and bills and food will be taken care of, because "we'll manage" in some kind of vague and yet-to-be-determined way.

It's interesting how he criticises you for being conventional, yet he is the one who has moved back to his local area, near his parents, to socialise with his community and friends - and expects you to be malleable and bend to his will. Sounds pretty 1950s conventional patriarchal bullshit to me! The not working FT and wanting to hang out with friends with the baby isn't 'unconventional' - it's laziness. He'd rather see his friends than spend time with the baby 1-on-1 - or have to worry about anything so mundane as being at home when the baby naps so that he can help with the washing, housework and cooking. He'll work the minimum regardless of whether this means that your house is damp because you can't afford to maintain it. Notice how his needs are at the front and centre of everything?

He sounds extremely selfish. I saw a cartoon the other day; the same scene, which was a young man in a beanie with a guitar telling a young woman that he was a "free spirit and a poet who meditates". On one side was the girl in her early 20s looking very impressed and doe-eyed. On the other side was the same girl in her 30s looking sceptical and saying "so you're unemployed then?". It made me chuckle because there is truth in it.

You sound as if you have both changed - which is entirely normal and natural, but that instead of him realising that a child brings different priorities and responsibilities, he's become more set in his ways to pursue his version of a rural idyll. If his response to your attempts to discuss this are to accuse you of being dramatic, dragging out chores and being lazy and conventional, then in your shoes I would be looking for a divorce lawyer. He sounds very unkind and pretty spiteful. There doesn't seem to be any attempt to understand your POV or try and reach a compromise - he wants it all his way, including you being matey with his BF's wife.

I'd move to the next nearest city - which I believe you said was about an hour away. This is a reasonable travel distance for him - it means that you could find better childcare and work, start to recover your mental health and not feel like you've been caught in amber in the back of beyond.

I've tried to suggest we find things we both like in somewhere new or neutral but he says that's the worst of both worlds

Oh dear, I was going to suggest that. Sure, it would mean both of you would have to start again with friendship groups and possibly work, but at least it would be equal and you'd both be in the same boat.

Also, he shouldn't treat moving away as permanent, so you've tried his way and at the moment it's not working well for you, but that's not to say it wouldn't work in the future, and it can always be revisited.

It doesn't help that he's got his friends and family where you live but you don't and I know how that can feel. My ex and I moved to a rural location, one which was supposedly neutral, and all of a sudden he realised he had old mates who lived within a 30 minute drive away (yet all of my mates lived over 3 hours away). So I was sat at home, in a place where it was hard to make new friends, whilst he had the opportunity to meet his. I was envious of that I must admit.

I have no issue per se with DH working 4 days either. He's worked really hard to build himself a network and skill up (he's self employed) and I have fully supported him through this. He did a different job in London, which paid a lot more but made him unhappy. I don't want him to be miserable.

It just feels like one in a long list of things he likes about his life that he's unprepared to shift on, while I feel I have very little in my life I feel positive about at the moment. I'd like him to meet me somewhere in the middle so we can all be happy.

But I guess I am depressed and don't have the most optimistic outlook (which is probably pretty exhausting for him to live with). So maybe I'm just blaming him

I have resolved to throw myself into life here again and again. Things get better, then there are set backs and I feel totally lost again. It's hard to find things to energise and lift you when all your anchors are gone and there appear to be barriers everywhere you turn.

Nothing to do with where you and he are from. My DH and I don't live anywhere near either relative groups, but we've made friends where we are now.

He's just being rather selfish. Currently, he has the best of worlds, and you have the worst. Talk to him and agree a compromise. Or it's your turn to be somewhere else (with or without him).

OP I'm so sorry about your mum and your hysterectomy. That is so much to cope with let alone moving to the back of beyond.

I really want to sit your DH down and give him a fucking talking too! How dare he put the onus on you to make this a success. He is so selfish.

Becoming a mum is really hard when you have lost your own mum. Even more so with the birth you had.

No one has mentioned Cruse but I'd like to recommend them - saved my sanity. Also there is a book called Motherless Mothers which I found v helpful but you do need space and time and support to process everything.

I have resolved to throw myself into life here again and again. Things get better, then there are set backs and I feel totally lost again. It's hard to find things to energise and lift you when all your anchors are gone and there appear to be barriers everywhere you turn.

Where's his compromise? You seem to be doing an awful lot of supportive work - wanting him to be happy with his work pattern, willing to try and make the best of it because he likes the area. What's his contribution? What is he compromising on in order to support your happiness?

Sorry if this sounds negative but your relationship sounds dreadfully one-sided and if that's the case, then this will only get worse rather than better. If he is not placing any importance on your happiness or mental health - in fact just criticising you for "not trying hard enough" - then where do you see yourself in 5 years? The only person who is going to put priority on your mental health and self-esteem is YOU.

Sometimes we outgrow relationships. Its not a bad thing. It can be painful, but it's part of evolving through our adult lives. You aren't the same person that you were at 21. You won't be the person you are now at 45.

I just wanted to add, that depression can be anger turned inwards. I am speaking from experience here of being with an ex who was lovely on the surface, but ultimately selfish and uncaring. When I finally left him, my anger came out, and my depression disappeared. Just consider whether this is anger at him, that maybe you are too afraid to voice or acknowledge.

Agree with Brasty that depression is often a sign that you are leading the wrong sort of life or a life that is too compromised ... best to tackle that first.

And if he won't do housework, I would be tempted to stop doing housework, and instead spending the time doing something nice for you.

Hi OP, it's rare that I say this but you sound so lovely. You are so sensible and rational about some of the heartbreaking issues you have had to face.
Sorry if it's already been suggested but would you consider fostering a young child with a view to eventual adoption ? I believe fostering is reasonably well paid and it would allow you to spend more time at home with your son. I believe I am right in saying that the most successful adoptions come out of initial fostering. You would also have a potential support network through other foster parents. It might also help alleviate the huge grief caused by the implications of your hysterectomy.
Just a suggestion, you sound so understandably sad. I feel for you.

I also agree with Brasty.

I think you have had a very tough time with the birth complications and that will have undoubtedly cast a shadow. But I also think that it's highly likely that you are depressed - but that it is situational depression and that if you were somewhere else, either on your own or with a supportive partner, you'd be much happier.

I suspect that the depression will lift as and when something 'gives' in your current set-up. Either your H decides to step up and start making compromises of his own so that you can both be happy. Or you leave him and move away. While ever your H thinks that you can solve your problems by just trying harder within the local community, I think you are going to struggle - because he seems determined to ignore the fact that it's the location itself which is a huge chunk of the problem.

Yes your dh does sound like he is incapable of making compromises. I would really recommend marriage counselling or at the very least pointing out to your DH what he HAS that he likes compared to you and then maybe he will see why you are struggling.

I moved to London in my early 20s to study (came from abroad, although I am a British citizen), expecting to live in the UK for a couple of years and then move back to my home country. Ha.

Ended up meeting my English Dh here and have been living in London for nearly 12 years now, I am fairly happy here and it helps I have made great friends. However, there are times where I just want to go home and have a natter to my mum and childhood friends.

We're moving to Dh hometown this summer (up North) and I know I will resent him being close to his family whilst I am thousands of miles away from mine.

I totally understand that pull to move back to where you came from. I went to uni in the Midlands, met DH and never moved back to the SE. Just couldn't afford it. I still miss the proximity to my friends. I've made some friends here, but only a small handful and none I could call in the middle of the night. I had bad PND to the extent that I cannot remember the first 2 years of DS2's life - I've blanked it out - and one factor that contributed to that was feeling isolated from friends and family.

I still really envy people who have extended family nearby who can help. DH's parents have died now, so the only thing tying us here really is his job (and the children's schools) but I have to say the loneliness has abated somewhat and the fact of having paid off the mortgage as we're in a cheap area vs having a crippling mortgage til we're in our 70s if we move South does make me feel happier about living where we do. Also, after 15 years living in the Midlands and 9 years in the town we live in now, I'm starting to feel a bit more at home here. The grass isn't always greener on the other side, particularly as you say others down there are engrossed in their own lives and there isn't a family home for you to return to. It's easier to think life would be better elsewhere, particularly if that time was pre-children and responsibilities.

That said, your DH does sound pretty selfish and uncompromising, not to mention unsupportive of you.

Was your shared vision that you would move to live near where he grew up, or was your shared vision that you would bring your children up in rural surroundings?

If the latter, there are lots of locations that would qualify, that aren't limited to where he used to live.

Was your shared vision that you would move to live near where he grew up, or was your shared vision that you would bring your children up in rural surroundings?

If the latter, there are lots of locations that would qualify, that aren't limited to where he used to live.