To think I should have just married a boy from my home town?

[creepymumweirdo]

Instead I found my DH is London, where neither of us are from and neither wanted to stay, and now we're both doomed to be miserable where ever we live.

We grew up on opposite sides of the country. When in our twenties and living in London, the rural ideal he holds so dear seemed appealing. I had 'outgrown' the place I grew up and was tired of family ties. I wanted to start something anew as a family, be unconventional, romantic and alternative. I know, I was a dick.

Four years later and we live in said rural backwater with our one year old. DH has his old school friends and parents close by. He enjoys his work and the people he interacts with on a daily basis give him a sense of belonging and wellbeing. Mostly he feels 'at home'.

I have no friends, no family within 250 miles, a job I find dissatisfying and no energy left by the time I've battled all these things (not to mention bringing up a toddler) to be the idealistic, artistic, interesting woman he fell in love with. All my time is taken up with work, chores and parenting in total isolation. My emotional energy is zero. I put this down to living where we do (and the monumentally shit birth experience I had followed by a year of impenetrable loneliness). He blames me for being lazy and conventional. I blame him for being insensitive and immature.

We talk about living somewhere else, maybe nearer my family, but not necessarily. It always comes down to him feeling dissatisfied anywhere else and thinking I'm betraying our shared 'vision' of what our life would be when we hatched our plan to move, have babies etc. So moving gets taken off the agenda again.

I'm so tired of struggling to make a life here. I feel like all my best qualities (sociability, love of culture, enthusiasm for change, being part of a big family) are quashed rather than celebrated. I feel guilty because he thought he was getting something and he got me instead. But life and marriage and family are full of unexpected twists and turns, and I'm open to any suggestions that might meet some of both our needs. It always ends in a row.

Am I being unreasonable to worry that this meeting of young, naive minds is doomed? What the hell do I do for the good of my new family?

Sorry for the inarticulate, self indulgent ranting. Thanks for getting this far.

He does do child care on days he's at home and I'm at work. We split it fairly 50/50. Except that on the days I'm home I do housework/batch cooking/life admin because a) I have nothing else to do and b) he spends his days 'off' taking the baby to hang out with friends.

To be fair, before DS was born, I was in favour of us both working more than 0.5 FTE so we had more money coming in than if one of us was a full time SAHP but we both had the balance of work and family. In reality that doesn't work because we're broke but DH would rather buy second hand clothes and shoes for DS than work more hours, where as I'm prepared to work more so we can have luxuries like well fitting shoes, a house that's big enough and not damp, a bra that actually fits and the occasional meal out.

God I am bitter aren't I? The more I reply the more I fear I've answered my own question.

Oh love. I really feel for you.

Firstly, I agree with PP that you (understandably) sound depressed after some really traumatic experiences. Please see your GP and seek some help. You do not need to feel this way.

Secondly, if your DH is absolutely committed to living where you do, then he needs to step up and make it work. If that means going to five days, then so be it. Does he know quite how desperate you are feeling?

Finally, then it's time to do something that is for yourself, and your own fulfilment. I appreciate that you probably don't want to post identifying information about your professional field etc but ti sounds like perhaps there are not the opportunities that you would like in your area. Could you retrain or move across into a role that you would find more fulfilling?

I have no advice on the DH subject as I've always been a single parent but can identify with a lot of the things you are feeling despite not having a partner and think some things are quite universal to becoming a mum. Life with a toddler can suck anywhere and don't under estimate the length it takes to recover from a straightforward birth let alone additional complications like yours. Regardless of any DH or work problems being sleep deprived makes everything feel far worse than it is. Most mums struggle matching their new ''mum" identity to their former selves, matched with a move to a different area it will probably take you a while to work out who you are. Once your DS is older you may well be able to find work with more hours or in an area you enjoy more which will help you feel better.

You have different priorities to each other at the moment it seems. Which is not ok when you've such a young child. And you really don't sound like you're asking for much at all. Could you just tell him "we are going to move as I am really unhappy here"? How do you think he will take that?

You might be depressed OR your current unhappiness could simply be a natural reaction to your current situation.

Working 4 days a week, when you're skint, is lazy and really really selfish of your DH. Don't you hate him for that? I would.

I don't want to hate him for it, but I think I respect him a bit less for it if I'm totally honest. And that makes me sad.

Princess hairy, you are spot on. There's so much of this that is normal new mum stuff, I struggle to know whether I have a sound argument for wanting a drastic change or am just struggling with he normalities of new motherhood. Albeit in a strange place.

"Motherhood fucks with your identity as well as with your bits" is my mandatory advice to pregnant friends!

Sorry but your DH is not coming out well from this.

You have moved 250 miles away to fulfil his dream. He now gets to be with his friends and family, play with baby, not work fulltime and not do any of the gruntwork round the house.

Meanwhile you are having to do all the housework, work FT, be socially isolated and skint and take on all the money worries.

He doesn't seem to be able to support you emotionally, practically or financially.

Hes basically got it 100% his way and isn't prepared to compromise at all

Would just like to give some general support - and to let you know I survived a similar situation. The early days of my eldest DDs life were so isolated and I had no friends nearby. But one day I suddenly looked back and realised I was happy. I'd made friends along the way, proper friends not just ones that had a same aged child in common. More than 5 years on I feel happy & settled. I do miss elements of prior phases of my life, but wouldn't swap where I'm at now. The grass isn't always greener. But lack of money and isolation on top of the traumatic past year you've had and it's no wonder you're struggling. Be kind to yourself, you sound really brave & im sure you'll be able to come through this with the right support

You sound quite depressed, and like you haven't really processed all the shit that's happened.

If I were in your position, I would go and stay with my parents for a few weeks for a nice extended holiday. Give them chance to get to know your baby better, get some support while you try and mentally heal a bit, let your mum look after you (if she's the looking after type) and just reconnect with yourself.

I'm not saying you should leave him, but it seems like you've gone along with everything he wants so far, and maybe he needs to see just how miserable you are. While you are away, maybe he can work out what is more important to him, his little family or his location.

So he wants everything his own way with absolutely no compromise even though you are unhappy? He sounds like a selfish prick, I'm surprised you can be "otherwise happy" in a relationship like this.

It sounds like your OH is pretty unwilling to compromise, which is a pretty negative trait. You say he married one person and then "ended up with you", but what about the fact that you have ended up with a man who doesn't empathise with how you feel, and doesn't act to change things when you tell him you're unhappy?

Have you been clear with him about how miserable you are there? If you have and he still doesn't want to change anything, then I'd question whether he really cares about you at all. Sorry to say that, but I know that if my OH said the same thing to me, I'd feel awful and want to do something to make her happier.

Oh OP, you poor thing.

Maybe you could have a 2 part plan. Give it 6 months ( or whatever amount of time you think is reasonable) in your current area. Join something to meet more like minded people? Or take some mpre time at weekends to go and have some time for yourself, or visit famply with your d's? I also think your OH has the friends, family and lifestyle balance tipped WAY in his favour. As your ds will be your only child, I think you should talk about all this with him. He needs to up his working days- your ds needs time with you and vice versa. Urgh

OP it might be that you are not suited . That happens .

You don't sound bitter or self indulgent / just unhappy 😔

The question is what are you going to do about it ? I also second counseling as a safe space to get clear and plan out options

And work OP , keep working and consider your earning (could you go it solo ) if needs be ?

But if you can't speak to him you need to speak to someone and work things out .....

I'm sorry, sounds like you have been through a lot with the childbirth and hysterectomy. Does your DP understand this? Are you able to talk about your feelings about this?

I do feel your DP is lazy only working 4 days. As PP have said, many of us would love to, but it is a luxury.

I would focus on what would make you more content where you are - friends? Work/study? Can you suggest making a go of it for one more year or until a set time, then agree to move if you're still unhappy?

It sounds like you have made a lot of compromises, not all your choice, and it is your DP's turn to do so. If he loves you he will care about your happiness.

I know this isn't helpful OP but it sounds as though your DH is being really selfish. It seems like you really need some support at the moment and he isn't giving it to you.

I know how crushing it can be parenting and being skint while living somewhere you hate. So no helpful advice really but just wanted to let you know that you aren't alone

How the hell did you manage to meet such an unambitious homebody in London?

Op I think you have the short straw. I also think you should go to the GP because if you had a traumatic birth and emergency hysterectomy after your DS birth that is a really big deal. I think you need to deal with that and (and I am truly sorry to bring it up) the consequences for your family. Also it takes a long time to get over a hysterectomy - are you physically ok? I only know women a few years down the line from children who've had hysterectomies and Nora still a big deal.

I really feel for you OP

Thank you everyone for being so reasoned and logical in your responses.

My mum died suddenly a couple of years before I met DH, so a lot of the structure of my family changed after that. It makes it difficult to visit home. There's no family house to go to anymore. My sisters are amazing but have there own busy family lives and limited resources.

I am planning further study to improve my financial prospects and get more 'me' time. But it's also more work. I've tried a couple of classes/groups to find like minded people but I haven't made them a priority and they've fallen by the way side. This adds to DHs (not totally unfounded) conviction that I'm not trying hard enough.

I tried to have a conversation with him tonight about him taking on more household responsibility to give me the headspace to do hear things and it ended in a barney. He thinks I make domestic work unnecessarily hard to avoid doing new things (maybe partly right). I think he's unprepared to compromise as well as devaluing the work I do and sacrifices I make.

Yes your DH sounds very selfish. Everything us his way.

What an interesting post, Dorothy. Is that modern poetry?

Reported.

Gee, thanks Dorothy, super helpful!

Thanks Honorbright. Everyone's been so great thus far. Did wonder how long this would take to show up.

Dear Dorothy, in the interests of full disclosure, I've reported you, just as I did the other times you posted.