To think I should have just married a boy from my home town?

[creepymumweirdo]

Instead I found my DH is London, where neither of us are from and neither wanted to stay, and now we're both doomed to be miserable where ever we live.

We grew up on opposite sides of the country. When in our twenties and living in London, the rural ideal he holds so dear seemed appealing. I had 'outgrown' the place I grew up and was tired of family ties. I wanted to start something anew as a family, be unconventional, romantic and alternative. I know, I was a dick.

Four years later and we live in said rural backwater with our one year old. DH has his old school friends and parents close by. He enjoys his work and the people he interacts with on a daily basis give him a sense of belonging and wellbeing. Mostly he feels 'at home'.

I have no friends, no family within 250 miles, a job I find dissatisfying and no energy left by the time I've battled all these things (not to mention bringing up a toddler) to be the idealistic, artistic, interesting woman he fell in love with. All my time is taken up with work, chores and parenting in total isolation. My emotional energy is zero. I put this down to living where we do (and the monumentally shit birth experience I had followed by a year of impenetrable loneliness). He blames me for being lazy and conventional. I blame him for being insensitive and immature.

We talk about living somewhere else, maybe nearer my family, but not necessarily. It always comes down to him feeling dissatisfied anywhere else and thinking I'm betraying our shared 'vision' of what our life would be when we hatched our plan to move, have babies etc. So moving gets taken off the agenda again.

I'm so tired of struggling to make a life here. I feel like all my best qualities (sociability, love of culture, enthusiasm for change, being part of a big family) are quashed rather than celebrated. I feel guilty because he thought he was getting something and he got me instead. But life and marriage and family are full of unexpected twists and turns, and I'm open to any suggestions that might meet some of both our needs. It always ends in a row.

Am I being unreasonable to worry that this meeting of young, naive minds is doomed? What the hell do I do for the good of my new family?

Sorry for the inarticulate, self indulgent ranting. Thanks for getting this far.

Gosh what a difficult situation. I think you need to be a bit kinder to yourself. You've been through several major life events in a short space of time. I think you're coping brilliantly in very tough times.

Have you properly dealt with your hysterectomy do you think? And feelings around your fertility? Were you hoping to have more than one child? I wonder if some couselling or therapy would help. A safe place to express your feelings.

Your husband is clearly not supporting you in the way you need but I'm not sure moving would be the right thing right now until you've dealt with your grief and anger. It could be a massive distraction and displacement activity.

That's not to say that moving might be the right thing in the long run. Do it for the right reasons though.

I met DH in London and for some crazy reason we decided to move back to his grim northern hometown with small babies. I hated it, even with DH being lovely and I feel slightly sad that I wasted so many years there. We have moved 5 miles down the road now and there is a world of difference and I finally feel at home.

I dunno OP, no advice, just lots of sympathy; it's a horrid situation.

Get counselling to deal with the trauma you have experienced recently (you could start by asking for a post-birth de-brief, they do do them months after the birth)

Sign up to online courses - there are some amazing, free higher education courses offered by great universities which can help keep your mind ticking over

Similarly, listen to pod casts and stuff like Radio 4 to keep up to date with what's going on in the world and what people actually think about it

Think about where you can make friends, even if they seem unlikely at first - eg the elderly lady next door might be who you had imagined hanging out with, but could turn out to be brilliant company

Plan a holiday or something else concrete to look forward to

I think the first thing to do is make a list of what you'd like to have near you to be happy. Not like 'my friends' or 'a Waitrose' or things specific to your home town. More general things like good schools, a 'major' grocery store, a movie theatre, a hospital, a nice park. You get what I mean. It's best if you can first get him to agree that you both need to be happy, then he makes his own general list. Then you try to find common ground, compromise, and a new location.

He's shot himself on the foot, there. If you're making domestic work unnecessarilyhard, then he should find it all a breeze.

PickAChew, good point!

I have had counselling, birth debriefs, intensive care debriefs, medication, the works. I did expect to have more than one child. The provision of those things is all time bound and it's 18 months on now. I just get on with things. What's the alternative? I can't not function with DS and bills. It's not an option.

DH is kind in his words but ultimately unsupportive with this stuff. We never really talk about it. It was a hard time for him too but he's maintained the "I'm fine" line since day one.

Maybe moving is a displacement activity. I'm just really lonely and sad. I'm tired of looking at the face of the man I love and feeling more lonely and sad not less. I start to wonder if it would be easier to actually be on my own.

He sounds like an insensitive, controlling and selfish arse. I'm sorry you've had such a difficult time. Is taking your child out for the day so you can do housework what you want? It sounds as if he gets pretty much all of the nice bits. I do appreciate looking after a child is a lot of work but you don't even seem to have much time to be with your child. He should be giving you time to heal and do things for you and perhaps if you weren't stuck at the other end of a hoover, you may have a fighting chance of finding some friendly company. He doesn't sound like he's your friend or has your best interest at heart. If he can't listen to you verbally, I'd write to him on email. When Dh and I used to be at loggerheads, it worked pretty effectively as long as I was neutral and non accusing. Now he gets me a lot more so I haven't emailed him stuff for years. The occasional text seems to be enough.

How about instigating a move to the nearest big town with employment opportunities? You get more diverse social interaction with people you like and your DH is still reasonably close enough to his mates. If he refuses to consider that as a reasonable compromise, he really doesn't care about your needs and you'd be entirely within your rights to consider only your own needs and that of your child from then on.

Can you get couples counselling?

Rural area where some people have a different first language eh? I understand why you moved there. I'm a townie but my wife is Welsh, and hiraeth and the desire to be near other Welsh speakers are both powerful forces!

We didn't move back to her home village though. Luckily in our case this was a mutual decision. We live in the nearest big city, which in this case means she at least gets to be in a community where there are Welsh speakers and several of her friends from home are fairly close by.

If you're in an area like North Wales where the local big city doesn't tick those boxes (Liverpool, Chester if that counts as big) then I can understand why it wouldn't appeal to your OH, but if you have to set up home in an area where you don't know anyone and maybe even feel a bit "foreign" then a city is much easier. There are so many people in the same situation and meeting people is much easier.

It is so difficult to know what you should do for the best, but perhaps you could say that you will move back near your family unless he agrees to look for somewhere new together? If you can decide as a couple to move somewhere new, then I think you would find things much easier in a town/city. If you were both in the same position of not knowing people locally, you could deal with it together and it's so much easier with people all around. The numbers mean finding like-minded friends is more likely.

I'm not loving the sound of your DH to be honest. The bit about his best friend's wife for example - he just expects you to be friends with her whether or not you actually get on? Friendships don't work like that I'm afraid!

Personally I think that moving an hour away to the nearest big town is a better compromise than moving back to your home town on the other side of the country. DH may say it's the 'worst of both worlds' but does he understand how unhappy you are?

OP just a word of warning if you do decide to leave him, although I wouldn't want to influence your decision either way. DD's dad and I separated a year ago and I desperately long to go back to the city I lived in before we moved. However, it's about 2 hours away from where EXP lives now, and as much as I want to go back every day, when I think about it I wonder if that would be a totally unfair thing to do to both DD and him.

Sometimes I wonder if I'll be trapped in this shit hole forever!

Could you maybe start by just saying to your dh how unhappy and sad you are, rather than starting with the solutions which he can then shoot down? How about him putting some energy into finding some solutions too?

It sounds as if he is very scared of you being sad as that means he may have to genuinely think about changing a life that he clearly wants. But he may not realise (as he doesn't seem too quick about this stuff) that a really sad wife is not a good thing for him and also for his child - leaving aside the wife's needs.

He's supposed to love you. Tell him what you are feeling. Leave the logistics out. See what he comes up with.

Just to say that much as I love my sister, we are not super close the way some sisters are - but as soon as you said 'they are busy' you sounded very depressed. Depression tells a version of the truth, but a version that is designed to keep you away from people and make more empty space for the depression to fill - it is like a virus in that way. Yes I'm sure your sisters are busy, and maybe it's hard seeing them happy and perhaps having multiple children - but unlike your random friend-type pregnant acquaintance, these would be children you and your child have a unique relationship with. Please, please just contact a sister and ask to go and stay, get some cousin-time going.

Sorry, I'm still half asleep. What I'm trying to say is: I would hate for you to end up in a situation where you'd left him, but felt obligated to stay in the same place for his and your DC's sake, as that really solves nothing.

I agree with Anna. Don't start with talk about moving or chores, start with talk about how lonely and sad you are. Be honest, brutal even.

Tell him you feel he doesn't listen so you feel lonelier in his company than when actually alone. Tell him he is bound to you forever now through your son so just ignoring you isn't really an option. Ask him to tell you where this will lead if he continues to not engage with your feelings. Does he really believe one day you will spontaneously wake up ecstatic? Or is he happy to spend the rest of his life with a miserable wife and his son with a miserable mother? Does he miss who you used to be? Can he identify things you had in your life then that you don't now?

Expect at first for him to shut down the conversation and refuse to engage. But keep trying. Not with solutions he can shoot down, but with questions he should be asking himself. He needs to find some empathy, see if you have the energy to dig it out of him.

Oh OP.

I agree with the idea of couples counseling if you possibly can. It sounds like there is such miscommunication going on here.

FWIW, I am / was in a very very similar situation. We live where we do for DH's job, his friends his family, and I see my family 3 times every 18 months. DS is now aged 7 and has autism. I was so so so alone when he was born, and felt lost, isolated and resentful. I was just angry. I had appalling PND which I did not even recognise in myself. I dreamed of running away (I even started a secret 'running away' fund and I fantasised about just ... going. ) I was furious that everything had changed for me, my whole identity had been blown to smithereens and DH just went happily on, untouched.

It took alot of hard times, but although we are still in exactly the same location, life is so so much better now. We had counselling. I was very briefly on medication, and generally things just - got better. (My 'running away' fund is now my 'holiday fund' and we have a couple of holidays planned as a family this year.) My relationship with DH is back to where it was- secure and loving.

My point is- your story sounds so familiar to me. I recognise the sheer sense of isolation and desperation and utter despair. Before you blow your life up, it is worth trying to do something to save it - only you will know when it is not worth even that anymore.

I hope you are okay. I feel for you. Please start with couples counseling- your DH does not seem to hear you when you talk to him- that may help if he / you are both guided by an intermediary.

Very best of luck.

Agree with pp ^above, particularly around does he expect you to wake up one day and suddenly be ecstatic??. I'd also ask him to spell out exactly what you "making an effort" to settle here looks like to him. I suspect he doesn't have a clear idea of what you'd be doing, rather it would be a case of put up and shut up. However, he might surprise you and it might suggest an alternative way to approach things?

That being said, he does sound selfish and obtuse. I hope that's not the case fundamentally.

OP it all sounds a nightmare.

And it may be that part of the reason you're so depressed is that there's no end in sight? Just more of the same?

When you and DH talk about the future, how does it look?

I think you are depressed and shouldnt make any decision until thats sorted. Can you beginn some exercise even if its lo g walks with the buggy. And some medication for a short while. You are presently looking at everything through a filter of darkness. That needs moving first. When you say your dm isnt at home l fear if you go back there its a fantasy that wont be as expected. I moved to an isolated area as dh had that dream. I had no interest but no real reason not to go. We were in a good place financially. Soon my dh was miserable but although l knew no one wasnt working l was still happy. I believe strongly that we carry happiness with us and misery the same. Try and sort depression so then when you are happier you and l mean you can make a clearer decision about what you want. So doctor and exercise is my suggestion for now. Counselling too if can afford it.

You've been through a really tough time, haven't you. Lost your mum, which feels like the loss of your birth family, then a tough birth, the loss of your hopes for any other children, moving house. It's not surprising you feel low. Small children are tough too.

But they also give you an opportunity to put down roots, meet people, build something better where you are. Financially Wales can be much cheaper to manage in and to buy a home. It's not surprising your relationship is under stress. But I'm not at all sure moving will improve things. Try to improve things where you are for a while, that's what I'd suggest.

Sorry if missed this but have you seen your GP and had a chat about How you feel?

and tell that idiot of a husband of yours you need help. To be fair he sounds afraid of your unhappiness to me and is hoping it will just go away if he ignores it.

What are his family like? Mil? Sils? If my dil felt like this I would want to help and know.

Big hugs to you op. It's a dark place st times life isn't it? But as you can see from other posters you are not alone if you have mumsnet

It sounds difficult.
Even if people agree things before marriage people change and both people have to adapt to that. He may need to adapt to you both working in a city.
As he only works 4 days a week there is a chance you could earn a lot more than he does and improve your lives and that is likely to be in somewhere like London more than rural Scotland or Wales.

Did you freeze your eggs before the hysterectomy?

I really feel for you op and felt similar 13 years or so ago. I moved 200 miles to be with my dh, couldn't speak the local language, and we could only, for medical reasons, have a very small family and, without going in to details, went through extremely traumatic experiences. But the crucial difference was that (a) my dh, although single-minded, and away travelling a lot, is extremely supportive and a really lovely bloke who works extremely hard and bends over backwards to make life easier for me in any way he can and he earns a good wage (which definitely helps in terms of freedom of choices and hiring "support" such as childcare and in terms of being able to do the job I wish to do).

Please forgive the extremely crude summary but it is difficult to work out if you primarily have an unsupportive husband problem, a pnd/post-traumatic birth/loss of fertility problem, an isolation and loneliness problem, a bereavement problem (after sadly losing your mother), a boring unfulfilling job problem or a poverty problem - or a combination of factors - but any one of those issues alone are reason enough for anyone to feel miserable and utterly depressed and wretched. To experience them all at once must be soul destroying .

So first things first, you must NOT feel guilty. Anyone in similar circumstances, with only half of those issues, would feel utterly wretched and it is very unfair of your dh to accuse you of laziness. Any normal, sensitive spouse would be falling over themselves to help you in these circumstances but your dh sounds very young and immature frankly.

I think counselling would be a good idea (from a licensed psychologist) to work through the above list and find out which are the key issues.

I left a job I loved to be with my dh and I will always feel sad about that, but dh was (and still is) worth it! I do still regret regret leaving my family behind (have missed countless important occasions) and the arts and cultural pursuits that were once a very strong part of me, but I have (after quite a few years of depression and struggle) managed to forge a life that I now enjoy and has, tbh, been different to the one I would have chosen but is still fulfilling. And now if I had to make the choice again, I would definitely do the same thing and I wouldn't go back to my home town. I guess what I am saying is that none of it is worth it if your primary relationship isn't working.

Two things:

(a) you say in your op that "now we're both doomed to be miserable where ever we live". I think that is definitely depression talking because that statement, looked at objectively, (however you understandly feel currently) isn't factually true because It is always possible to choose to compromise. If your dh doesn't do so, then that is his choice ifyswim.

(b) my life improved immeasurably when my dc started going to the local school. There I met friends who have remained with me through thick and thin for over a decade and helped me feel grounded so don't give up hope.

(c) you are neither inarticulate (you write very well indeed) or self-indulgent (for all the reasons explained above) but (risking sounding horrible here but it is meant kindly) you did choose to move where you are with your dh now (however idealistic and impulsive that decision was) and, speaking from a position of having done exactly the same thing (!!) you need to kind of take ownership of that in order to move on. And one of the ways of taking ownership, if you feel you can, is to throw yourself whole heartedly in to your new situation and try and take control of it, rather than being swept along (hope that doesn't sound unkind as it is a very hard thing when in the depths of depression). Again, imho, none of this is going to work if your relationship with your dh isn't working.

Final suggestions - while you are going through therapy - and trying to find solutions: are there any local Mumsnetters in your area? Could you contact them and initiate a get together? Or initiate a book club or an art group or something that will give you a couple of hours a week where you feel fulfilled and "yourself"again. Ime, there are always people in a similar position to you, wherever you find yourself, it is just a case of being pro-active and seeking them out (which is a tall order when you feel as understandably worn down as you do) but you may find it worth it: you only need to find one like-minded soul or one thing per week to look forward to, for your life to improve immeasurably.

Good luck op

Sorry, that was a very long essay!

And Georgethehamster said everything I wanted to say but in a much more coherent and succinct way