To think I should have just married a boy from my home town?

[creepymumweirdo]

Instead I found my DH is London, where neither of us are from and neither wanted to stay, and now we're both doomed to be miserable where ever we live.

We grew up on opposite sides of the country. When in our twenties and living in London, the rural ideal he holds so dear seemed appealing. I had 'outgrown' the place I grew up and was tired of family ties. I wanted to start something anew as a family, be unconventional, romantic and alternative. I know, I was a dick.

Four years later and we live in said rural backwater with our one year old. DH has his old school friends and parents close by. He enjoys his work and the people he interacts with on a daily basis give him a sense of belonging and wellbeing. Mostly he feels 'at home'.

I have no friends, no family within 250 miles, a job I find dissatisfying and no energy left by the time I've battled all these things (not to mention bringing up a toddler) to be the idealistic, artistic, interesting woman he fell in love with. All my time is taken up with work, chores and parenting in total isolation. My emotional energy is zero. I put this down to living where we do (and the monumentally shit birth experience I had followed by a year of impenetrable loneliness). He blames me for being lazy and conventional. I blame him for being insensitive and immature.

We talk about living somewhere else, maybe nearer my family, but not necessarily. It always comes down to him feeling dissatisfied anywhere else and thinking I'm betraying our shared 'vision' of what our life would be when we hatched our plan to move, have babies etc. So moving gets taken off the agenda again.

I'm so tired of struggling to make a life here. I feel like all my best qualities (sociability, love of culture, enthusiasm for change, being part of a big family) are quashed rather than celebrated. I feel guilty because he thought he was getting something and he got me instead. But life and marriage and family are full of unexpected twists and turns, and I'm open to any suggestions that might meet some of both our needs. It always ends in a row.

Am I being unreasonable to worry that this meeting of young, naive minds is doomed? What the hell do I do for the good of my new family?

Sorry for the inarticulate, self indulgent ranting. Thanks for getting this far.

There has to be some compromise it sounds like he has it all.

Either you both agree to putting a time limit on the place you are now and then agreeing to spend sometime closer to your home, or you agree to spend some weekends staying with your family and friends while the working weeks are in his chosen place. DEFINITELY he needs to go to five days and you can have the shorter working week if possible then for the time being your pay off can be time with your LO, maybe you could use it to go to some groups and strike up some friendships to make you feel more at home. I definitely wouldn't comprise on this last bit.

You are not creepy or a weirdo or bitter you are sad and lonely :( - and you can change that - your husband, on the other hand, is a total wanker - not much chance of that changing.

So let's see. His area, he's happy, you aren't. Your area, you would be happy, he wouldn't. Then the only logical and fair thing to do would be to find that third area where you'll both be happy. And there IS such a place, he just needs to open his damned mind and realize that your happiness is just as important as his! And if he won't, I'd probably just go without him. Why should you live the next 50 years feeling unhappy and unsatisfied?

I moved 623 miles away from my home in a town near a very big city in So California to be with DH. He told me he'd never move to the big city, nor would he ever 'leave XXX place'. I moved to his rural, redneck area. I can't say I was truly unhappy, but there was quite a bit missing from my life (like culture, good shops, and liberals). We ended up moving 200 miles from there to a rural-ish area near another large city due to the economy tanking where we were. He loves it here. Rural enough for him, City enough for me.

OP I know where you are coming from - we also live away and you miss the smallest things
The language and understanding of your family the daily suppprt and feeling like they've all forgotten about you

DH would also love to live in the county but I refuse - kids school friends and local shops are all necessary on day to day life

In the country everything is slowed down because like you say it's a lot of effort to fetch milk - there's no where to walk too - no people about and it zaps your emergy

DH would go 'home' for weekends and spend all day in bed because there's nothing to get up for

In the city there loads in and friends to do stuff with - invitation because you're round the corner

I could go on - I get it!

You need to move - with or without him for your own sanity

I think he's unprepared to compromise as well as devaluing the work I do and sacrifices I make

I think you're right.

If he thinks you make domestic work 'un-necessarily hard' why doesn't he do some of it? The barney was to avoid responsibility.

He sounds very selfish and has everything exactly his own way.

If you're in Wales (guessing) - what about moving somewhere round Hay? Lots of cultured, creative people, less emphasis on farming.

When I was going through an awful patch a very wise mental health nursed asked me whether I would think it understandable if someone else felt down and slightly suicidal if they were in the same circumstances as I was. I wasn't mentally I'll. I was having a reasonable reaction to the shit situation I was in.

Your dh is taking the piss. It is all his way with no thought for your happiness. There isn't any comprise.

I feel that you may have some difficult decisions to make if he doesn't make some drastic improvements. Unfortunately work ethic is hard to learn. That one would piss me off with every value item I had to use whilst he sat on his arse.

I think you have had a lot of cataclysmic change in the last few years, Losing your mum, having a horrific birth experience with impact on your future fertility, becoming a mother, moving and going back to work. There are a lot of huge redefining life events right there. I think, to be honest, you might be struggling wherever you lived as there is just a lot to process.
However to be going through all this somewhere where you feel unsupported and where you and your DH have different ideas about parental responsibility, earning and how to live - that is tough.
Be kind to yourself. You have gone through a lot. Talk to DH. Really talk - ask him about what makes him happy, how he sees the next few years professionally, financially, as a family. Try to tell him without blaming him how low you feel. Think together about what is best for the 3 of you as a family in the future.
And see about some counselling for yourself, just to help process everything that has happened.

It sounds really hard and I'm guessing that realistically you can't just take off for a few weeks as you won't have enough leave from work. I doubt that making your OH move to where your family live won't work and he'll then resent you for it which would be pointless all round. What about doing what one of the PP said and setting a date in your mind, say the end of the summer - mid Sept or thereabouts - and see if things are bearable by then. If not, you'll probably know by then if you think you can find a compromise location which is a good outcome and not the worst option for everyone - or strike out on your own. Good luck - the whole thing sounds really miserable and I really hope it gets better.

Poor you OP, I really feel for you. I know a lot of these places and they can be very tough for incomers.

IMHO couples have to find somewhere to live that they can both 'live' with, iuswim? So somewhere which he loves but you = not going to work. Somewhere you love but he hates = not going to work. Is there somewhere you could both live with? If this place is THE ONLY place he will consider living, he is BVVU.

Christ the only thing that got me through the early years were friends, other mums from toddler groups etc. Without them id have been fucked

Do you have any mates nearby?

Ok, I've reached something of a helpful conclusion thanks to you all.

I'm not blameless, but I'm not BU either. Something has to give. And although I don't think DH sets out to be selfish or mean, he's single minded to the extreme and the effect is the same.

So what do I do next? Ultimately I could say "me and DS are going to live in X. You can come with us if you want to." Experience tells me this kind of decisiveness might be the only thing DH responds to. But where we go and the implications bare heavy on my mind.

If we lived a couple of hours from both families such a plan would work. But if I chose to take DS to live near my family I'm basically resigning him to have contact with his Dad two or three times a year (assuming he doesn't come with us. And in giving an ultimatum I feel I need to be prepared to follow through on it). DH is a brilliant Dad, regardless of any other criticism I could level at him. And DS totally worships his Dad. How could I bare to tear them apart?

This is what DHs bloody mindedness leaves me feeling: break up my family or put up with a lifetime of discontentment. I could suck this up if I know my son would be happy as a result. I doubt that is possible. I feel like I shouldn't be making these decisions. I married this man less than a year ago. It's so confusing.

What does he compromise on?

Maybe I should add I am vaguely friendly with DHs best friend's wife. Kind of because I have to be. It's clear from the men and their mothers that their is an expectation we will be friends. Who am I to be choosey? We have some stuff in common. I wouldn't be friends with her with a wider pool to choose from but she's ok and she's willing.

She's also 5 months pregnant with their second which, though I'm reluctant to admit it, I'm finding pretty hard to deal with. She's quite a sanctimonious mothering type too, ( I am an eternal pragmatist - whatever works!) so I find her grating at the best of times.

It's a horrible situation but I think you've been very honest in.your posts. Have you been this honest with your husband? I know you've talked before about your situation, but maybe try to,come at it from a different angle...what about discussing your five year plan? Or talk about the pros and.cons of where you are vs another area. I think you need to.make it really crystal clear about how you feel - yes you've made attempts at joining groups or making friends but a friendship can't be forced and putting on a pretence isn't going to help anyone. I agree with p.p who said about needing friends round you when you have children. I don't what I would have done without having someone my age to chat about bloody kids sleeping and eating and pooing. What about the in laws? How supportive are they? I get the whole rural idyll bit it can be lonely.sorry this is garbled, I had a bottle glass of wine. Hugs op

Heck that was a mess. It sounds a bit interrogatory which was not at all what I meant. Truly feeling for you op

Sunnysidegold you sound perfectly coherent!

(off in search of wine)

OP not sure how it would work with you taking DS so far away if you have 50-50 childcare. Maybe somebody with knowledge of family law can help? Maybe you don't want to say where you are but anybody giving advice would need to know whether it is Scotland or England.

It sounds truly miserable.

In your shoes, if you decide to stay (for now, at any rate) I think I would be prioritising getting some sort of qualification to facilitate increased earnings. Then maybe you can spend more time away from the place. At the moment if you are skint you will be pretty stuck.

I have some experience of miserable remote places, and it seemed to me that a helpful factor in staying there a long time (other than family, which is the main one), is spending time away from the place. Some (lucky) people have houses abroad; some have houses or flats in cities, which maybe they rent out for some of the year (during the Edinburgh festival, for example; you can make a killing in a few weeks) and use it yourself the rest of the year. The miserable hole will seem less so if you know you have a couple of weeks in Edinburgh (or wherever) every couple of months!

All very well but any of these options require £.

Meantime, if I were you I think I would try to get in to some sort of exercise that is easy to do in that place. Hillwalking or running? Swimming? For me, that would help with the frustration and misery of it all, but that might not float your boat.

And who is the Dorothy bint?

"He thinks I make domestic work unnecessarily hard to avoid doing new things (maybe partly right)."
It sounds like when you try to talk to him and seek help he just puts blame back on you. Instead of saying 'yeah ok I understand, I'll do my fair share' he says that there is no housework that needs doing and it's your fault for making too much fuss about it?
I think he is being very selfish and unfair.
Can you and DS go and stay with your sister for a while. I think if you can get away you will be able to make a clear decision.

Having a child makes a massive change in every relationship I think - you are early on in the process and have had a massively traumatic time by the sounds of it, especially having had to have a hysterectomy and deal with the knowledge that you won't be having any more children. Having a child changes your status, your relationship with almost everyone you know and is likely (wherever you live) to involve a degree of isolation and loss (grieving for your old life and the loss of the extended family you'd planned) even while adapting to and loving your baby. It's a hugely demanding time.

That's a huge amount of change to deal with - to have to do that in a place you don't feel at home, without your family and a network of friends to back you up it sounds like has increased your sense of isolation and loneliness. I don't know how you should deal with this but do cut yourself a bit of slack - you've been through a really tough time.

My PND began after the birth of DC2, went undiagnosed and dribbled on for around 5 years. I'm not sure at what stage you stop calling it PND and start calling it depression. Anyhow, it fucked my ability to create and keep friends. So maybe look at speaking to your HV or GP about what support you can access.

Secondly, the very least you deserve (while he is pillocking about working 4 days) is time for yourself, to start activities, group, hobbies, anything that will make you feel more like yourself. If they include chances to meet people - bonus.

Thirdly, the chores can wait (most of them), or at least be shared more equally.

Fourthly, you don't have to stay where you are. If things don't improve then, well you do have options. You don't have to decide today, just be aware that choosing to stay for now isn't a life sentence.

I moved 5000 miles to be where DH wanted to be. It's very hard and the early days of DD were the hardest. That was with DH being kind, hard-working, understanding and flexible!

Things can improve. Don't just be friends with the wives, because in the end they aren't yours. Do things for yourself. Demand compromise. Really spell out how unhappy you are and that whether he thinks that's your fault or not, it's the case.

OP i don't have any words wiser than others have given, but YANBU and I wish you the best in your decision making. Also please consider seeing your GP about counselling, and perhaps birthing reflections to look at your birth experience and later problems, it might help you with that part of things if not your DH x

Sort of devils advocate here, but think about all the effort involved in this ultimatum, in possibly moving you & DS away from your DH. Of how happy you would actually be as a (quite lonely, possibly) single parent, without him, when your own family are dealing with their own busy lives. Is there not a 4th option - 4) put all that effort into really wholly 100% trying to make a life for yourself where you are. There was a point when you believed you could be happy starting a family there, so surely it's possible.

I just sort of think maybe you are failing your DH, and your DS, and even yourself, if you can't say 100% hand on heart that you have put your all into making a life there.

Don't get me wrong - I live 5minutes away from all my family in shitty rented accommodation in London and the only way we could ever afford to buy is by moving hours out, which I won't do. So I couldn't do what I'm advising you to do 😂, but just sort of saying it anyway. Not helpful, I know.