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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

my sons girlfriend lives with us how much rent should I charge?

112 replies

dawnesmith1 · 20/04/2017 08:54

My DS2 gf is 19 and has lived with us for about a year. My DS2 pays nothing as he does not think he should and refuses to but buys his own food. Gf currently pays £40 per month and buys her own food.Is it unreasonable to ask for more? I also have a DD who is 16 so pays nothing and a DS who is 22 and on minimal benefits due to ill health who pays nothing but cleans once a week and does gardening and other jobs to pay his way, he also buys his own food. DS2 and GF do hardly anything to help around the house and do not contribute to items such as toilet roll/shower gel/clothes washing soap etc

OP posts:

SapphireStrange · 20/04/2017 10:12

My DS2 pays nothing as he does not think he should

Tell him you do not think he should live with you rent-free and chuck him out.

viques · 20/04/2017 10:14

Make a list, or a spreadsheet if you can.

Work out the monthly household costs, include everything, council tax, insurances, water charges, broadband, TV packages, utilities,mortgage if you have one, include all household expenses such as communal food, cleaning materials, window cleaning, toilet paper, car costs if you have one and they have use of it, be very thorough.

Multiply the total by 12 and divide by 52, then divide again by the number of adults. This will give you the approximate weekly household expense to sustain each adult. Use this figure as a starting point for discussion.

Explain to them all, though maybe not the 16 year old, that these are the expenses that need to be paid out to support everyone's comfort and wellbeing. Explain that you are not looking to make a profit from them, or to live for free yourself, but that as adults enjoying the comfort of living in the house they have to make a reasonable , cash not kind ,contribution towards the household. Or move.

redshoeblueshoe · 20/04/2017 10:16

Tell DS2 and his GF to move in with her parents.
Why do you tolerate this shit ?

Solo · 20/04/2017 10:24

Lizzj4 I believe you have to be charging quite a lot to pay tax on it and it possibly wouldn't include the OP's own children.

Lodgers can pay £7,500pa I think before the 'landlord' has to pay tax.

Nothing is free fgs, this is the real life lesson, not 'don't worry son/daughter, you can live here for as long as you want, mummy will look after you'

maxrayeseth123 · 20/04/2017 10:28

I paid my Mum (who was a single parent) £50 a week - included food, bills & laundry and I thought I was on to a good thing! Bear in mind too that this was back in the early 90's....£40 a month is far too cheap... FREE IS RIDICULOUS! If ds2 and gf are of working age they should be working and paying rent imho.

DimplesToadfoot · 20/04/2017 10:29

How exactly do you chuck your adult kids out?
My son moved back home after a relationship breakdown, he refuses to pay board, refuses to help around the house etc, I've told him to pack his bags so many times, he refuses to go, if I changed the locks he'd just kick the door in,

hes moved his gf in, she also refuses to pay rent and help around the house ... I simply am unable to do everything so were now living in a pigsty, I can barely afford to eat myself while they are bringing in McD's every night

so what can you do when you end up in this situation? nothing!! and they know it!

SapphireStrange · 20/04/2017 10:32

if I changed the locks he'd just kick the door in

Then you'd call the police. But why does he think he can behave like that anyway?

ChicRock · 20/04/2017 10:33

You're doing a great job of raising a couple of future cocklodgers. You need to hope that there'll always be some stupid woman in the picture for them to scrounge off.

ImperialBlether · 20/04/2017 10:35

Dimples, unfortunately you're in an abusive relationship with both your son and his girlfriend abusing you.

You need to change the locks, get a camera on the front door and inside the house and call the police if they threaten you or cause any damage.

Do you rent? If so I'd give in your notice and go somewhere else.

ChicRock · 20/04/2017 10:35

so what can you do when you end up in this situation?

Contact the police, tell them you are evicting your adult son and you are scared he will become violent. They'll come round and be there while you send him on his way.

nothercupoftea · 20/04/2017 10:39

How exactly do you chuck your adult kids out?

I would tell him to leave, and expect him to do as told. I would escalate by throwing all their things by the window, and kick them out, litterally.

Sadly, as a close friend had to do, call the police to have them removed.

DimplesToadfoot if your situation is that bad, you need help. I hope someone will have more details to give you, because it's not acceptable or fair. Would people/charities helping women refuge and abused women have some advice maybe?

DimplesToadfoot · 20/04/2017 10:39

Then you'd call the police. But why does he think he can behave like that anyway?

you would think that wouldn't you? that's not how it works in real life

I'm told time and time again its my fault ... fine .. it is .. so when they say no what can one do?

DimplesToadfoot · 20/04/2017 10:41

Sadly, as a close friend had to do, call the police to have them removed.

In my case the police refused to help me get him to leave .. in fact they told me I was out of order for treating my son like this and they wouldn't do it to their kids

AntigoneJones · 20/04/2017 10:42

Dimples, what you do is, when they are out, bag up their stuff and chuck it out, and then change the locks. When they turn up and kick off, you call the police.

SapphireStrange · 20/04/2017 10:43

Complain about those police officers. If it did get to the stage of him kicking the door in, call them again and, if necessary, remind them of the concept of criminal damage.

DimplesToadfoot · 20/04/2017 10:44

Contact the police, tell them you are evicting your adult son and you are scared he will become violent. They'll come round and be there while you send him on his way.

Nope that doesn't work either ... having hot cups of coffee thrown at you, isn't violent enough I guess

HPandBaconSandwiches · 20/04/2017 10:49

Dimples I'm so sorry, what a hell of a life you must live.

Go to the police station and insist on speaking to someone. Tell them what you have told us. Tell them you'd like your statement recorded and make a formal complaint about the previous police visits. They are following what they think is right rather than the law - that's not on. You have a right to feel safe in your own home. Demand to know what exactly they are going to do to help you as a victim of domestic violence.

Also, have a chat with women's aid.

You sound so despondent in your posts. Please don't give up.

Chloe84 · 20/04/2017 10:51

Can't believe people are expecting OP to treat the GF like her DS...

OP, you're being treated like a mug.

Assume DS2 is not a student. He needs to pay you £200pm and GF should pay £250 because she is not family.

Wake up. If they refuse to pay, give them 30 days in which to move out.

BreconBeBuggered · 20/04/2017 10:54

I think that until an adult family member has moved out, you don't really appreciate how much they've been costing for food, utilities, cleaning products, you name it. I've been on the 'child' side of this equation for short periods myself and I didn't get it either, but then I was never asked to pay for more than the odd bit of food shopping. OP, if you can't afford this situation you really need to spell things out to your DS and his GF.

kaitlinktm · 20/04/2017 11:07

My DS2 pays nothing as he does not think he should

Have you asked him why he thinks this?

ThisAintALoveSong · 20/04/2017 11:13

I used to pay £250 per month when I lived with my parents which I thought was very reasonable. I helped out with tidying, cleaning bathroom, washing up etc.

If I refused to pay my rent, I know for certain my dad would have kicked me out and left me to fend for myself. He did this with my sister some years earlier. It's a life lesson being able to budget accordingly.

Op, it's your house, your rules. Personally I would charge gf more rent but charge DS2 the same or refuse to cook, wash clothes and any other tasks for them

ThisAintALoveSong · 20/04/2017 11:18

Op how horrible for you!

I would kick him and gf out, then if they did kick the door in, have them arrested for criminal damage and put a restraining order on them. I know he's your son but sometimes hard measures have to be taken.

ThisAintALoveSong · 20/04/2017 11:23

OP sorry to be nosey, tell me to mind my own of you like, but do you live with a significant other? Is DS2 in contact with his dad? Maybe they should/could say something about all of this to alleviate the pressure from you. If you live with DS2's dad he should be putting his foot down with DS2 and backing you up as well rather than letting your son walk all over you

HarryPottersMagicWand · 20/04/2017 11:26

I'm sorry, your DS2 refuses to pay? And you put up with this shit. Who is the parent here, you or him? Is it his house? He pays or ships out. £40 a month from his GF isn't much either. I'd charge them a set amount as a couple if they are living there as one. Then I'd continue to make them buy their own food, which includes cooking and clearing up after themselves and doing things like their own washing etc. I bet you do all this! Mug comes to mind.

Goingtobeawesome · 20/04/2017 11:32

I paid my foster parents £400 a month in 1990 ish when I was 18 ish. Not sure what their birth children paid.

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