To think that hosting a 16-year-old boy for 5 days is not burden-free?

[KingofnightvisionKingofinsight]

I have 2 DCs under 7. My DH has a family of close relatives who have teenagers, and they have asked if their 16-year-old DS could stay at ours for 5 days while they go away this summer. My DH said sorry, that week doesn't work, as he will be away for two of those nights and our kids will be in camp. I have some mental and physical health issues, which these relatives are well aware of not that they would ever ask how I'm doing or anything and it's just too much for me to have a teenage boy in the house for 5 days while my DH works. The parents are pushing back, saying he has grown up a lot since we saw him 6 months ago and that he will "take care of himself."

As 16-year-olds go, this one is sweet but on the immature side. He talks constantly and needs a lot of interaction. Plus my DCs get very worked up and tend to show off and misbehave when he is here, which is not his fault but still makes my life difficult. We live hundreds of miles from the relatives so the child won't know anyone here and he has zero experience making his way around a big city alone. He is sweet but clueless, messy and forgetful. At a minimum I would need to shop and prepare meals for him, which is something I just don't do when my DH isn't here. (My kids are fussy and eat very simple/small meals.) It's not the money at all, as this is a close relative and we can afford to feed him. It's just the hassle of feeding a teenage boy and the parents trying to act like it's nothing at all to have him.

There is admittedly a massive backstory here, with this particular family dropping their pre-teen and teenage kids with us for extended periods in the past without ever really asking, and this particular child is frankly annoying, so I'm wondering if this has clouded my judgment. The parents are acting like this shouldn't be a burden at all, and almost as if we should be grateful because he will play with our kids. He does play with them but he gets them worked up and the tradeoff of having him here feels like too much. AIBU to think that hosting a 16-year-old boy for 5 days requires a fair amount of effort, especially for a household with small children?

Relative :Looks like we will be coming over on August 5 for a week with Toby. Lisa and I are going to [other city] for a few days that week... My DH It will be great to see you guys. Are you not planning on bringing Toby to [other city]? Wish we could keep him here but I will be away the 8th and 9th and the kids are booked for camp

Your main problem here is your DH. He's the one who brought the issue of Toby (not) staying with you out into the open.

Now, from what you've said, the relatives were obviously hoping that DH would pick up on their 'hints'/insinuations that they want to dump Toby on you.

The way to handle this is to ignore these hints. Pretend you're not reading between the lines as to what they're actually asking/saying. In other words, play dumb. I've employed this tactic very successfully when people are skirting around the actual issue and its saved me the hassle of having to agree with doing something I simply don't want to do without having to actually deal with it head on.

Make them come right out into the open and plainly ask for what they want. If they haven't got the guts to do that, then oh well, it looks like they're not going to get what they want. Too bad, so sad. It also saves you the hassle of having to explicitly say 'no'. If they DO come right out and ask for what they want, in this case having Toby stay with you, then you can deal with that head on as need be.

All that aside, the relatives are extremely rude to push back after being told 'no'. Barring any life and death emergencies, I wouldn't want to have to deal with someone else's child either when my own aren't going to be in the house. In that regard, you are being entirely reasonable seeing as your own kids will be out for the day.

If he's so mature, why isn't he staying at home while his parents go away? He's 16 and should have the skills to look after himself for such a short period.

I suggest Op that you take dh phone (with his knowledge) and text the something like

"We've discussed your trip in August and it's definite that we're not able to have Toby, you'll have to make other arrangements for him, we can't do it."

Hissy's text about is good but I usually end the text with something like "we'll leave it with you"

in other words, this conversation is now closed

We've discussed your trip in August and it's definite that we're not able to have Toby. You'll have to make other arrangements for him, we'll leave it with you

Fliptopbin so sorry how mean

Op you are having Toby unless one of you picks up the phone and just tells them no they will just turn up and drop him off.

You snd your dhs 'niceness' will transfer behaviour to your kids who will spend their lives agreeing to crap and seething inside just like you guys.

Set the example that it's fine to say no to people.

I'm just letting you know you are being a bit OTT saying it would be a real burden
That's VERY pass-agg, Back.

say no because you don't want to help rather than trying to make out how difficult it would all be.
The OP isn't 'making out' anything. Going on what she's said, it WOULD be difficult.

OP, just ignore any further overtures.

the issue is that the parents are just bulldozing and presenting it in such a way purposely making it really difficult for someone to go against these wishes.

but it's perfectly OK to say "no, we don't want to' It's not a jab at Toby, or the parents.

Ultimately, OP, Toby or anyone elses child is NOT your issue/problem, you can and should say no.

I'd also point out that the mental/physical health issues you have are not relevant either in this, you don't need a reason to say no, you can just say no.

If they are 'upset' they are 'upset'

The key thing to note here also is that they are not really upset.... they are USING upset as a tool to get people to do what they need them to do. Manipulators use anger, upset, guilt and anything else they can get their hands on to get their own way.

You DON'T have to let them have their own way if it doesn't suit you.

Email them and tell them that you can't accommodate Toby so they will need to sort alternative childcare - end of.

If you were feeling bold I would be tempted to suggest that as they feel he is so mature and capable of looking after himself then it doesn't sound as if they need childcare, as they could either leave him at home alone for the week - or take him with them and let him wander off during the day...

"Relative :Looks like we will be coming over on August 5 for a week with Toby. Lisa and I are going to [other city] for a few days that week..."
Bloody hell, that's arrogant ! They will be coming over - you have no say in the matter.

"We are the ones who moved far away and we don't want to alienate people who are willing to come visit."
Neither should you be 'punished' for moving away by being treated so cavalierly.

"There is admittedly a massive backstory here, with this particular family dropping their pre-teen and teenage kids with us for extended periods in the past without ever really asking, and this particular child is frankly annoying, so I'm wondering if this has clouded my judgment."
Your judgement is not clouded - it is informed by actual experience, the best and most reasonable kind of judgement.

Tell me again OP, in what way will it be nice to see them?

Sorry, forgot to add:

You need to email or text these cheeky feckers and tell them NO. I'd go with Hissy or Pouncival's suggestion, I don't think it would be possible for the to 'push back'/persist against that wording.

Love it when the OP tells us the story and gets us all riled, then comes back to defend them "well they're nice really" and then doesn't come back.. Think some people just want a rant sometimes

They need to find another solution (maybe Toby could stay with one of his friends?), rather than think they can just dump him on you. Quite apart from how inconvenient it will be for you, how much fun will it be for him - a 16-year-old boy left alone with his aunt for a week? Just keep saying no. YANBU at all. They're being cheeky chancers thinking they can just dump him on you and piss off on their business trip. You have kids you have to be prepared to look after them - even when it's not convenient.

It's definitely not too late to "discuss the matter" and refuse it definitively. August is ages away, and the oarents have loads of time to sort things out.