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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that hosting a 16-year-old boy for 5 days is not burden-free?

113 replies

KingofnightvisionKingofinsight · 20/04/2017 00:09

I have 2 DCs under 7. My DH has a family of close relatives who have teenagers, and they have asked if their 16-year-old DS could stay at ours for 5 days while they go away this summer. My DH said sorry, that week doesn't work, as he will be away for two of those nights and our kids will be in camp. I have some mental and physical health issues, which these relatives are well aware of not that they would ever ask how I'm doing or anything and it's just too much for me to have a teenage boy in the house for 5 days while my DH works. The parents are pushing back, saying he has grown up a lot since we saw him 6 months ago and that he will "take care of himself."

As 16-year-olds go, this one is sweet but on the immature side. He talks constantly and needs a lot of interaction. Plus my DCs get very worked up and tend to show off and misbehave when he is here, which is not his fault but still makes my life difficult. We live hundreds of miles from the relatives so the child won't know anyone here and he has zero experience making his way around a big city alone. He is sweet but clueless, messy and forgetful. At a minimum I would need to shop and prepare meals for him, which is something I just don't do when my DH isn't here. (My kids are fussy and eat very simple/small meals.) It's not the money at all, as this is a close relative and we can afford to feed him. It's just the hassle of feeding a teenage boy and the parents trying to act like it's nothing at all to have him.

There is admittedly a massive backstory here, with this particular family dropping their pre-teen and teenage kids with us for extended periods in the past without ever really asking, and this particular child is frankly annoying, so I'm wondering if this has clouded my judgment. The parents are acting like this shouldn't be a burden at all, and almost as if we should be grateful because he will play with our kids. He does play with them but he gets them worked up and the tradeoff of having him here feels like too much. AIBU to think that hosting a 16-year-old boy for 5 days requires a fair amount of effort, especially for a household with small children?

OP posts:
iseenodust · 20/04/2017 10:33

YANBU Maybe he doesn't want to go on holiday with them but that is for them to sort. If you've said no thanks that is the end of the conversation. Why don't they want to take him on holiday?

It would be less of a burden if you lived in the same town as then he could still see his friends but you and your DC will be the only entertainment options apart from his phone.

Edballsisoneniftydancer · 20/04/2017 10:36

You realise in that conversation he never says NO at all?

Absolutely. What rings out is that he is apologising that it may not be all that much fun for Toby. Added to: "It would be great to see you guys"...for those so inclined it sounds JUST like an invitation .

Beginning to think that on this occasion there are genuine crossed wires rather than your relatives being entitled wotsits (though that may well usually be the case)

SpookyPotato · 20/04/2017 11:32

They do sound pushy in general but I agree with others that his message to them sounded like you would actually like him to come apart from a few minor inconveniences, which they could then reassure you on! He should have been firmer. I know most normal people would read between the lines and understand it's a no from his message, but sounds like these relatives need a straight "No it's not convenient"

Hissy · 20/04/2017 11:32

Not only did the relative NOT ACTUALLY ASK, perhaps you know better and it's implied that as a default he's at your's.

This is what the convo should have been.

Relative :
Looks like we will be coming over on August 5 for a week with Toby. Lisa and I are going to [other city] for a few days that week...

My DH
It would be great to see you guys if you wanted to pop in for a visit around then, but I'm away the 8th and 9th and the kids are booked for camp that week so we can't have Toby.

Relative
Toby will be happy to spend time with the kids when they come home from camp, plus he can take care of himself. He's grown up a lot and honestly he's more mature than the other two were at his age...

My DH
Yeah, but sorry, it's not doable at all.

Your H needs to SERIOUSLY think about what he says and how he says it. he is not nearly clear enough. It's OK to say no.

I agree, unless you are absolutely clear with people like this, they will just turn up and leave Toby with you anyway.

TheNoodlesIncident · 20/04/2017 11:44

...this particular family dropping their pre-teen and teenage kids with us for extended periods in the past without ever really asking

And they're trying to do it again. You or DH need to step up and say No we are NOT having Toby and preferably repeat. Otherwise as Hissy so wisely says, they will just turn up and leave him.

Aeroflotgirl · 20/04/2017 12:00

Your husband needs to be more explicit, and firm, he isen't really. No we are busy, we cannot have Toby. You want time for yourselves, not entertaining a 16 year old.

TheHouseOfIllRepute · 20/04/2017 12:05

Your husband is so placid
If i got that text i would say are you asking me to have Toby
Force their hand and tell them no not possible
I would never let anyone tell me. In fact telling me would ensure it wouldn't be happening
And i think I'm non confrontational

Batgirlspants · 20/04/2017 12:13

Honestly op if you and your dh actually and categorically ring them up and Say 'Hi Lisa under no circumstances can we have Toby. Have a lovely holiday.

You will feel so much better when you put this to bed unequivocally.

ParadiseCity · 20/04/2017 12:22

Hang on a minute. Toby is 'so much more mature than the others were at that age' - he's got older siblings?! Why can't he stay with them?! Not that it's your problem of course. But this is even more fecking cheeky.

Original poster
KingofnightvisionKingofinsight · 20/04/2017 12:28

I COMPLETELY agree that DH needs to be more clear, but even going this far is huge for him so I will take what I can get. My DH is a very nice, accommodating person who genuinely wants to help his family when he can. He hates feeling like the bad guy, and it makes me so angry that they continually put him in this posirion. That's why I sometimes think I should just give in, as it would make my lovely DH's life easier. To be fair, Toby is a close relative of my DH's, we wouldn't mind having him under different circumstances, e.g. for a weekend when my DH is available to entertain him. Also, the deal is that they would all would come here for the weekend, leave Toby here during the week, then the parents would come back and spend the following weekend with us. The other city is much closer to us than to their home, and the parents want to sit in my kitchen drinking tea and "working" on their laptops, occasionally taking a cute picture of our kids and then going back to ignoring them spend time with us and our kids. And it will be great to nice them, as long as they take Toby with them when they go.

Whenever I read these things on MN I wonder why the OP even bothers with the other person at all. But the truth is that it's not that black and white. Yes these people have a fair bit of cheek and have done this to us time and again, but they are not bad people and we do have a fondness for them. We've recently lost three close family members and we don't have much family left. We are the ones who moved far away and we don't want to alienate people who are willing to come visit. If only they would be polite and reasonable!

OP posts:
fliptopbin · 20/04/2017 12:29

I have been that 16 year old, foisted on relatives who didn't want to have me. I did my best to be helpful, stayed in my room as much as I could and generally tried to make myself invisible, but it was miserable. I was a pretty mature 16, but staying for a week in a house where I knew I wasn' wanted was horrid. For the first day I tried to interact, just t be polite, but once it became clear I was getting on people's nerves, I basically camped out in my room for the entire week, eating sandwiches and pot noodles which I bought from the corner shop, after I overheard a conversation about them havi g to pay for food for me. I was furious for my parents for putting me in that situation. I would say definitely refuse to have them, rather than have them and resent them for the whole time, because the teenager will notice. Itsmpretty unreasonable of the parents to put all of you in that situation.

RedBugMug · 20/04/2017 12:29

yanbu
if he's no bother he could stay home alone...

pluck · 20/04/2017 12:55

@fliptopbin Ohhh, ouch... Sad

Aeroflotgirl · 20/04/2017 13:05

Oh fliptobin that is awful, despite your parents actions, I would never take my displeasure out on a child, its not their fault. How nasty of your relatives Sad

KC225 · 20/04/2017 13:06

Why don't they pay for someone to be with TOBY for the week, an old sibling/cousin/aupair friend can take him around the city to explore whilst they are at the conference.

As the other have said - your DH needs to say no. Could you not text them and make sure you say NO especially as you will be doing the lion share of the babysitting

Dozer · 20/04/2017 13:12

Your DH is not actually being "nice" to do things that are detrimental to his immediate family.

He needs to step up.

Dozer · 20/04/2017 13:13

Your anger is misdirected: they are cheeky unreasonable types, but your problem here is your H.

SuperFlyHigh · 20/04/2017 13:16

What a bloody cheek! Why aren't his parents either leaving him at home or taking him with them or leaving him with other relatives?!

That's a no from me!

expatinscotland · 20/04/2017 13:24

'I COMPLETELY agree that DH needs to be more clear, but even going this far is huge for him so I will take what I can get. '

Then you will be having Toby. Until one of you can get a backbone and tell these people, 'NO, this doesn't work for us. We won't be having Toby. Is this clear? If you try to turn up with him, we won't be here,' then they will continue to take the piss out of you.

They don't give a shit about you, they're not good people.

But hey, you think they are, neither of you will step up, so plan on having Toby.

halcyondays · 20/04/2017 16:12

yanbu at all, they sound really cheeky.

halcyondays · 20/04/2017 16:20

Just say no every time they ask, they're never even offered to have yours, but just assume you will take their kids, I don't know how people have the nerve.

MakeItStopNeville · 20/04/2017 16:55

I agree that this is a case of crossed wires. If I read your Hs text, I would intepret that as he wanted Toby to stay. I dunno. I may be weird but I'd always offer to have my nieces and nephews to stay, even if they were 16. I would hate for them to feel they weren't welcome. I'm their Aunt!

AcrossthePond55 · 20/04/2017 17:36

Unless your DH specifically says 'No', then you can expect these piss-takers to show up on your doorstep with poor Toby. What will you do then?

Your only other alternative, if DH won't say the word NO, would be to take your DC and leave in the early AM and not return until after dark. But I expect if you did, poor Toby will be waiting for you at the door.

haveacupoftea · 20/04/2017 17:41

Poor old unwanted Toby Confused

SuperFlyHigh · 20/04/2017 17:48

have being a bit blunt but from OP's backstory why did they have this child if they ignore him when on laptops staying at OP's house, palm him off on OP and her family. God only knows what family life this child has at home.

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