To think that hosting a 16-year-old boy for 5 days is not burden-free?

[KingofnightvisionKingofinsight]

I have 2 DCs under 7. My DH has a family of close relatives who have teenagers, and they have asked if their 16-year-old DS could stay at ours for 5 days while they go away this summer. My DH said sorry, that week doesn't work, as he will be away for two of those nights and our kids will be in camp. I have some mental and physical health issues, which these relatives are well aware of not that they would ever ask how I'm doing or anything and it's just too much for me to have a teenage boy in the house for 5 days while my DH works. The parents are pushing back, saying he has grown up a lot since we saw him 6 months ago and that he will "take care of himself."

As 16-year-olds go, this one is sweet but on the immature side. He talks constantly and needs a lot of interaction. Plus my DCs get very worked up and tend to show off and misbehave when he is here, which is not his fault but still makes my life difficult. We live hundreds of miles from the relatives so the child won't know anyone here and he has zero experience making his way around a big city alone. He is sweet but clueless, messy and forgetful. At a minimum I would need to shop and prepare meals for him, which is something I just don't do when my DH isn't here. (My kids are fussy and eat very simple/small meals.) It's not the money at all, as this is a close relative and we can afford to feed him. It's just the hassle of feeding a teenage boy and the parents trying to act like it's nothing at all to have him.

There is admittedly a massive backstory here, with this particular family dropping their pre-teen and teenage kids with us for extended periods in the past without ever really asking, and this particular child is frankly annoying, so I'm wondering if this has clouded my judgment. The parents are acting like this shouldn't be a burden at all, and almost as if we should be grateful because he will play with our kids. He does play with them but he gets them worked up and the tradeoff of having him here feels like too much. AIBU to think that hosting a 16-year-old boy for 5 days requires a fair amount of effort, especially for a household with small children?

Just for fun, here is an exact transcript of the text conversation between my DH and his relative (names changed). The relative never even actually asked! This is what they always do!!! And we have made it clear in the pat that it's not on, but they just push and push. I'm very proud of my DH for standing firm... although I wouldn't be surprised at all if they keep pushing!

Toby is the son, Lisa is the wife.

Relative :
Looks like we will be coming over on August 5 for a week with Toby. Lisa and I are going to [other city] for a few days that week...

My DH
It will be great to see you guys. Are you not planning on bringing Toby to [other city]? Wish we could keep him here but I will be away the 8th and 9th and the kids are booked for camp.

Relative
Toby will be happy to spend time with the kids when they come home from camp, plus he can take care of himself. He's grown up a lot and honestly he's more mature than the other two were at his age...

My DH
It's not Toby, it's just a bad week to do it with me traveling. And Freddie gets so wound up when we have guests, it's just better to have a break.

I agree, just keep saying 'No, sorry we really can't do' - ad infinitum.

They are pushing back????

They can push the fuck OFF!

This!^^

They sound extremely cheeky. Keep saying no, OP. Stand your ground.

Oh God, they never even asked, they just told you that you were doing this. Who does that?

They are interrupting your child free time so... they can have child free time?
Tell them to get lost and you have 'plans' for YOUR child free break

I'd give your husband a flea in his ear for being a wet lettuce too!
"Wish we could have Toby here" my arse!

I know what you mean. When you're not feeling well, every little irritation and inconvenience is magnified. You just want to be left alone. Just tell them you feel too unwell to have a house guest no matter how helpful and self sufficient he is.

Urgh, that really is entitled! Talking to your DH like a concierge!

@ParadiseCity , thanks! Don't worry, though, that plus some other things in life have left me with a robust enough ego.

Your husband never actually said no though. He needs to be clearer. He's made it sound like a maybe.

Just no that's all no.

Why would you fill precious child free time with someone else's child?

In an emergency of course but so they can holiday errr fuck that.

If the 16 year old is self care he can self care in his own house.

Tell them it's no and not up for anymore discussion.

YANBU but your DH needs to be more assertive in his communication with relative because he's leaving you both wide open to be taken advantage of. He doesn't 'wish' that you could have Toby so he shouldn't say it.

'I'm afraid it won't be possible for us to have Toby that week.'

Repeat, repeat, repeat.

Yes, DH needs to be more assertive. "We can't have Toby that week". That's it, no Freddie gets wound up stuff.

And look out for them turning up with Toby anyway and then trying to leave Toby at your house while they go to the other city without him. That will be their plan B.

Having read that text exchange, they sound like the kind of people who'll just turn up anyway.
You really do have to spell it out to them its a no.
I'd also be tempted to be out for the entire day that they were planning to drop him off. At the very least, ignore the door.

DH needs to be much clearer and to the point: "we can't have toby to stay: you will need to make other arrangements".

Could your DH text: To be absolutely clear, we definitely can't have Toby this summer.

Your DH practically offered (to people like that, a "wish we could do X" is an offer to do X). He made it sound like you wanted to have him. That was very silly of him.

I would clarify what they are asking of you as it's not clear.
For example: are you asking if Toby can stay with us while you two are in another city?
They reply: yes.
You reply: no, not possible
It puts them in the position of them having to ask and you in the position of refusing. Reframe the situation from them not asking directly, just assuming. It's rude.

with this particular family dropping their pre-teen and teenage kids with us for extended periods in the past without ever really asking

Purely because of this i would say no, what to speak of all the other reasons.

I am also shocked at a teenage boys who talks when there's wifi . You can say no if you want to it's your decision who you host. My 16 year olds would have babysat for you , but they were well capable of looking after themselves at that age. If it doesn't suit you then just say so

Make sure your DH sends another text to follow up just to be clear if no response already from relative, because otherwise they may just assume and turn up, and you'll feel obliged to say yes.

YANBU
Don't even consider it any more - say no now and stick to it

Your dh put a chink in the armour when he said "I wish" I'm afraid.

Not that that means you should have Toby - hell no! But I think he needs to be very very careful with how he words things considering that this relative is such a pushy arse hole.

You realise in that conversation he never says NO at all?

What a cheek!