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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Argument over access to kids

28 replies

mrsmcginty · 18/04/2017 21:11

I was just wondering if I could get some other perspectives on this. Sorry this will be a long one. I have 3 DC's and broke up with their father when the youngest was just a few months old. The break up was mutual as he had found someone else and i had given up on the relationship prior to that.
The break up was fairly amicable, he moved into a house nearby and has drifted in and out of our lives fairly inconsistently. however, since I went back to work 2 years ago he was always done the Thursday childcare and has been fairly reliable with this.
since January he asked to have the dc's 2 nights a week.
I agreed to this but have had reservations that it's too long to be away from me and me from them.
Tonight I said to him that I wanted to reduce the nights to 1 a week, he would see them still for the full 2 days. He completely lost his temper, shouting, telling me to F off, that he would get a lawyer's letter, that
It was nothing to do with the kids that it was just me wanting him out of their lives.
It has really shaken me, I know if I phone my friends they will just totally see my side which I appreciate but I wondered how it seemed from mumsnet's point of view. Thanks...

OP posts:
ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 18/04/2017 21:15

Sorry but unless there is a backstory I think YABU. Contact should be about what is in the best interests of the children no matter how hard you find to have them away from you.

Mrsfs · 18/04/2017 21:16

What age are the children? Have they expressed any problems with staying 2 nights?

I, personally, don't see why it's unreasonable for him to have them 2 nights a week, as you have them the other 5.

user1483387154 · 18/04/2017 21:17

It sounds like YABU, why shouldn't he have them 2 nights a week?

Mamamoo15 · 18/04/2017 21:18

If it has been since January, is there any other reason you want to reduce it? How are the kids coping with it?

inmyshoos · 18/04/2017 21:18

How old are your dc? Do they object to going?

budgiegirl · 18/04/2017 21:20

Unless there are other issues that you haven't mentioned, 2 nights a week sounds fair. Have they been staying with him for 2 nights since January? What has caused you to change your mind? Have the children been unhappy?

HermioneJeanGranger · 18/04/2017 21:21

Why shouldn't he see them for two nights a week?

mrsusername · 18/04/2017 21:22

Fathers have rights as well you know

iamapixiebutnotaniceone · 18/04/2017 21:24

If he's a good parent too think about it from his point of view. He's away from them a lot longer than 2 nights a week, if that is your only reason for wanting to reduce to 1 night a week then YABU. That said I know it is a difficult situation to be in x

ClemDanfango · 18/04/2017 21:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sweets101 · 18/04/2017 21:30

On the face of it it does sound as though you are being unfair

sailorcherries · 18/04/2017 21:33

Reducing contact because "it's too long to be away from me and me from them" is ridiculous.
This seems more about you than them tbh and, given you were married to this man and living with him, it is reasonable to believe the children were used to seeing him every day and therefore the increased contact is not too much for them.

Why is it okay for you to say it's too long to be away from you but not okay for him to say 6 nights is too much for him?

wheresthel1ght · 18/04/2017 21:38

I agree with others, unless there is significantly more to this story than you have posted then YABVU. The bare minimum a court would look to getting agreement on 1 weeknight every week and Friday-Sunday every other weekend.

WombatStewForTea · 18/04/2017 21:39

YABU and incredibly selfish!! Two nights is too long for you to be away from them? How about how long he is away from them?!

Voice0fReason · 18/04/2017 22:39

You already know you're being unreasonable!

Allthewaves · 18/04/2017 22:43

Your being completely unreasonable. You have them 5 nights a week, you are being very selfish.

Allthewaves · 18/04/2017 22:45

Don't blame him for being super angry tbh, his contact is reduced, the kids are not tiny babies. My dh would be looking a 50:50 shared custody if we split

Original poster
mrsmcginty · 18/04/2017 22:48

Ok, this has given me a bit of clarity. DCs are 5 (twins) and 3. They are very clingy with me at times and I
wondered if it was because they miss me so much. They have expressed this to me.
He comes over on a Monday or Tuesday to see them at bedtime, he doesn't 'do' weekends ( we don't see him or hear from him generally).
I find it horrible to have him in the house but usually keep myself busy with housework but can't help resenting that he's having cuddly story time and I do all the work. he gives me £210 a month for maintenance total. He is just a massive twatbag and it makes me lose my sense of perspective.

I will text him and say I am reconsidering my decision.

OP posts:
SquinkiesRule · 18/04/2017 22:57

I'd let them go overnight as agreed so long as he's able to care for them and is responsible.
I would not however allow him into my home even if it is to put the kids to bed. You are separated, and need to stay that way, him in your home when he has his own time with the kids isn't on. Would he allow you in his home to do bedtime on his nights?

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 18/04/2017 23:00

You are wise to reconsider as he isn't being unreasonable. Doesn't mean you have to feel warmly towards him or that he isn't a twatbagWink. On a serious note be positive to the DC about spending time with their Dad and don't ask them if they miss you. The DC might feel they have to pick sides if they think you don't want them to go.

Badhairday1001 · 18/04/2017 23:05

Could you renegotiate so you have every other weekend? It doesn't seem fair that you do every weekend.
I don't think he is being unreasonable to want the kids 2 nights a week, he is their dad. I do think there needs to be compromise from both of you though regarding which days are most suitable.

HeddaGarbled · 18/04/2017 23:10

OK, you didn't explain fully initially.

Two nights a week at his home, reasonable.

Two nights a week in your home, not reasonable.

Refusing to have them at weekends ever, not really reasonable but if the pay off is him having them every Thursday to save you paying for childcare, maybe this is a compromise you can make.

You can look on the CMS calculator to work out whether the maintenance payment is enough.

Original poster
mrsmcginty · 18/04/2017 23:14

You are right that I have let the situation slide so that the contact time is unsatisfactory for me in that I have no spare time ( he has them when I am work). He has apologised in his text when I said I had changed my mind. The dc's now know exactly what their parents think of each other because they heard the whole exchange. I am very sad about this as have managed to keep it from them in the past. I wish my life was very different but I made some bad choices and am having to make the best of it.

OP posts:
CouldntMakeThisShitUp · 18/04/2017 23:32

i suggest you rethink the weekend thing - you need time to yourself too.

Put it to him so he also has the dc overnight every other weekend.
If he refuses then tell him to go to court to arrange access - you can bet they will expect him to do weekends!

It is NOT ok for him to make demands for access but do it in a way that only benefits him.
What is he doing on weekends? If it isn't paid employment then he has no excuse.

limon · 18/04/2017 23:50

Yabu
Why wouldn't he have then 50:50?
But he shouldn't have shouted at you.

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