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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not invite these people to my party?

28 replies

Tommy · 17/04/2017 22:57

Have a big birthday coming up and there are 2 people who I feel I "should" invite but don't really want to. One is very annoying and always gets drunk and had a racist boyfriend and the other is someone with whom I have a minor falling out over the past few months but will be very offended if I don't invite her and probably never speak to me again
DH is very matter of fact about it all and says I shouldn't invite them if I don't want to but I'm a bit concerned about the fall-out when the realise I have had a party and not invited them.
Is it worth the post party rows? Or should I just invite them to keep them happy?

OP posts:
Batghee · 17/04/2017 23:03

Dont invite them. You dont owe people friendship if you dont genuinely like them and its best to let them go off and find people who do like them to be friends with.
I know it might seem like the kinder thing to do for them to invite them but actually you would just be doing it for yourself so that you dont have to have any fallout from it. The post party rows are actually better to have because they are more honest.

Original poster
Tommy · 17/04/2017 23:08

True...... i need to be more assertive. I suppose it's because they are both in a wider group of friends although, to be honest, no-one would be bothered if they didn't come (which sounds very bitchy and I don't want to to be bitchy! Hmm

OP posts:
DJBaggySmalls · 17/04/2017 23:09

If someone has a racist boyfriend then they are racist.

longlostpal · 17/04/2017 23:12

It's easy for people online to say don't invite, but they're not dealing with the fallout in everyday life. Personally I would definitely invite the one you've had a falling out with, if you're still going to run into her socially. You don't have to talk to her at the party, if she even comes, so it seems like the path of least resistance. The racist one... nah I wouldn't invite, and I'd explain why too.

WorraLiberty · 17/04/2017 23:16

How do you know there's be a fallout?

Are you sure they'll care as much as you're anticipating? Perhaps you're worrying over nothing?

HeddaGarbled · 17/04/2017 23:26

I'd invite them but avoid spending any time with them and then enjoy the post party bitch sessions afterwards. But that's because I'm a wicked person and think parties are enhanced by the odd bit of bad behaviour by people I don't care about.

Original poster
Tommy · 17/04/2017 23:26

The one I've had the falling out with is very needy... I had a message from her a few weeks ago asking if she'd upset me because she hadn't heard from me in a while. She doesn't get in touch or invite me to things and is genially quite hard work.
The racist boyfriend was racist at another friend's party to some of her guests... very embarrassing and I really don't want him in my house

OP posts:
Willow2017 · 17/04/2017 23:31

Your party - do you want it spoiled by these people? If not the there is your answer.

Needy friend only contacts you when she needs something then she isnt your friend.
Nobody wants a racist at a party easy choice.

WhereYouLeftIt · 17/04/2017 23:33

"One is very annoying and always gets drunk and had a racist boyfriend"
Well that's an easy decision. Don't invite, be truthful if she asks why.

"the other is someone with whom I have a minor falling out over the past few months but will be very offended if I don't invite her and probably never speak to me again"
Trickier. But you also say of her that "She doesn't get in touch or invite me to things". So that's a very lopsided relationship. If she doesn't invite you to things, why should you invite her to things?

Maybe the fallout would be an absolute godsend, rather than something to worry about.

Ohyesiam · 17/04/2017 23:34

Do you want to stay friends with them? One is needy, the other has dodgy taste. They don't do either of these things in a vacuum, and the consequences are that you don't want they around. Not your problem.

FoxesSitOnBoxes · 17/04/2017 23:37

The racist boyfriend friend - I'd text and say "hi friend, I'm having a party on Saturday and I'd love you to come but it's a bit awkward because, after what boyfriend said at other friend's party, I really don't want him to come"
Needy friend- invite her if you still want her as a friend or don't if you don't. Would there be fall out involving other people?

Mo55chop5 · 17/04/2017 23:37

I'm not sure what the problem is? You don't want them to go so don't invite them? Any "fallout" can be easily ignored and if you don't want them at your party then why do you care if they speak to you again?!

Goldfishjane · 17/04/2017 23:38

Of course you don't invite them.

avamiah · 17/04/2017 23:38

Hedda,
🤔, interesting opinion.
In fact I tend to agree with you.
However OP knows them better than us and as long as there isn't going to be any violent outbursts then I'd invite them.

Original poster
Tommy · 17/04/2017 23:39

You're right (of course).... if I don't want them here, I should just not invite them HmmHmm

OP posts:
avamiah · 17/04/2017 23:41

Tommy,
Only you know z

highinthesky · 17/04/2017 23:41

If someone has a racist boyfriend then they are racist.

I agree with this....but where does racism by association end? Does it make any friend who tolerates a friend with a racist partner also racist?

Original poster
Tommy · 17/04/2017 23:42

But it still feels awkward!!

OP posts:
Goldfishjane · 17/04/2017 23:42

Agree that friend with racist boyfriend is racist btw.

HecateAntaia · 17/04/2017 23:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Tommy · 17/04/2017 23:48

Ha ha hecate - absolutely! 😆

OP posts:
chastenedButStillSmiling · 18/04/2017 00:34

whatever you decide, I hope you have a lovely birthday.

citychick · 18/04/2017 00:48

I'm not sure you'll get a great response from " you are welcome to come to my party, but your racist boyfriend isn't." You may be able to word it more carefully than that, but it's essentially what you'd be saying and no one really wants to come without their partner, what ever the issue. I'd say you'd lose her friendship right there if you tried that.

The needy friend is a bit more tricky...I'm not sure what to suggest there. I'd probably ask her anyway. There are so many personality types within friendship groups.

Needy you can do maybe, but racist, no.

Enjoy your party what ever happens.

BackforGood · 18/04/2017 01:04

I can't see why you have any dilemma about not wanting someone who will get drunk and someone who is likely to make racist comments to your party - that's an easy decision.

The other, I'm more confused about, as you are contradicting yourself. You say she doesn't get in touch, but then you say The one I've had the falling out with is very needy... I had a message from her a few weeks ago asking if she'd upset me because she hadn't heard from me in a while - which sounds to me like she got in touch, and you have not bothered to respond....... Plus, it doesn't sound like she is going to offend / upset other people, so, if she's part of a whole group of others you are inviting, it might just be easier to invite her.

Allthebestnamesareused · 18/04/2017 08:04

I personally disagree with citychick
Why do you have to word it carefully? I think it is acceptable to say I don't want your boyfriend here after the racist remarks he made before as racism is something I will not tolerate. I'd like you to come but understand if you don't want to come alone!