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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Nursery telling child to stop sucking thumb

114 replies

Myloto1981 · 17/04/2017 22:25

My dd has it been keen to go to nursery for a couple of weeks (before easter holidays) even though she loved it before. She told me and her dad a few times this week that the teachers have told her she mustn't suck her thumb and they tell her off for doing so.

Dd is only 3, she takes a lot of comfort from sucking her thumb and I think they should have discussed this with us if they had an issue with it.

Aibu to have a word with head tomorrow? I'm not happy at all.

OP posts:
User543210 · 17/04/2017 23:43

I was and now at the age of 22 still am a thumb sucker. I ruined my teeth - I had to have a brace for 4 years, had 8 of them pulled and now have a life long fear of the dentist.

I still suck my thumb and I'm messing up my straight teeth once more. I am addicted to it and can't stop.

Its a good thing they are trying to help her and you should do the same thing at home, I wish someone had with me.

OffRoader · 17/04/2017 23:45

I doubt they are even trying to discourage the thumb sucking. I imagine they say things like
"Take your fingers out and let's do a painting!"
"Take your fingers out, I can't understand what you're saying" or even
"Take your fingers out, they're covered in mud!"

There are not many times when the children will just be sitting passively, with the exception of story times and similar.

The staff's main goals are to get the children to engage with eachother and the activities, most of which would require the OP's DD to not be sucking her fingers. You can't speak to and build relationships with your peers with your hand in your mouth.

Original poster
Myloto1981 · 17/04/2017 23:45

Fair enough we have been shit at this. I'll come back for advice for the next issue.

OP posts:
LordAnthony · 17/04/2017 23:49

It is a filthy unhygienic habbit and compromises the well-being of other children attending the nursery, other parents would have every right to be pissed off if the nursery were letting such behaviour go unchecked.

OldandJaded · 17/04/2017 23:55

Hmmm on the one hand the nursery should have spoken to you about it, and it's absolutely your call really but my dd went to nursery from 3 months old, wouldn't tolerate a dummy as it had no milk attached and didn't thumb suck until a new child started that was a thumb sucker when she was about 3.5/4, my own view is that she copied (as kids do - no blame assigned by me) and then found it comforting so continued to this day and she's a teenager now Hmm
She is in the process of being assessed for braces, but my db was a thumb sucker and he didn't need braces - so I don't know if its relevant or not.
Only thing I will say is that no amount of anything got dd to stop, obviously, and that included being noticed and remarked upon by her school mates. She learned through that, and family reinforcing it, that in public is not acceptable.
But maybe at 3 it's a bit young to be trying that approach? I'd definitely ask the teachers about it though because they probably should have mentioned it to you before saying anything to her.
I'm not sure about the hygiene aspects either, as a pp said, toddlers pick things up and put them in their mouths, lick stuff, sneeze and cough etc, we (society, parents, schools) teach them gradually about infection control (hands over mouths, hand washing, blowing noses etc) until it becomes second nature (hopefully!) So thumb sucking really IMO doesn't prevent any more of a hygiene risk

melj1213 · 17/04/2017 23:56

I'm also on the nursery's side here, especially as you don't know what situations your DC is being asked not to suck her fingers ... perhaps she's doing it while they're doing crafts and they're worried about her ingesting glue/glitter/whatever they're crafting with; or she's sharing toys with other children and leaving things damp from handling them with her sucked fingers; or they're all singing songs and your DD isn't participating because her fingers are in her mouth etc

There's lots of reasons why they might be encouraging her not to suck her fingers that are purely practical, not because they have any judgement of her or because they are trying to modify her behaviour for the sake of it, so I'd go and speak to them about it and hear their side. If it is for practical reasons then the nursery may not be aware of how upset your DD is at being told not to suck her fingers, and so they need to work on a new strategy so that they can encourage DD not to suck her fingers without her feel like she is being told off or it is "naughty" if she does do it.

Astro55 · 17/04/2017 23:56

I agree - it's probably a - can you move your fingers to talk to me please - I doubt it's a telling off

No different in asking a child to look at you when speaking

Or taking their hands out of their pants

Original poster
Myloto1981 · 18/04/2017 00:01

It is tricky, she has mentioned she is naughty and will try to spit. She's never done this before. Coincidental probably.

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 18/04/2017 00:03

Soup dragon that only applies if the child is still sucking their thumb when the adult teeth come in. And it doesn't happen to everyone. It's a small minority. Spoke to dentist last week about it.

Well, I've spoken at length to an orthodontist about it and they disagree.

VivienneEastwood · 18/04/2017 00:07

It is a natural instinct for a lot of children.
My Dd was born with a blister on her thumb- I asked the midwife what it was and her reply- 'looks like you've got a little thumb sucker there'. She had been sucking her thumb in the womb Halo
Sure enough, watching my tiny newborn baby manage to find her thumb proved to me that it is completely natural.
My Dd grew out of it with no fuss or interference. Her thumb used to look flat, but it's fine now and her big teeth look great!

QuackDuckQuack · 18/04/2017 00:09

My DD sucked her thumb until nearly 4. You could see the impact on the shape of her jaws. Whilst not the worst I have seen and not at all obviously in photos, she had an overbite and had both pulled her top jaw forwards and pushed her bottom jaw back. I don't think others would have noticed, but our dentist said it was an issue and she needed to stop by 5. The jaws corrected within months of stopping thumb sucking because she was growing fast. Some of the worst teeth/jaw impacts I have see is with some finger suckers. The angle is different and they seem to have splayed out their top jaw. I'm only talking cosmetically as I'm not a dentist, so don't know the functional impact.

The hygiene thing strikes me as a big issue. You can't control the fluids that come out of small children, but might have more control of what goes in. My DDs both love the mud kitchen at nursery and often come home filthy. Other children do carry worms and disease generally.

Whilst the nursery should have explained what they were doing, I think it's probably a good idea to try to stop the habit now.

Airmid · 18/04/2017 00:15

I still suck my thumb when I'm tired or feeling very anxious. Have done for 50 years. My teeth are fine - never needed braces tho my sister, who had a dummy, did. I think it is horribly cruel to make a child stop sucking their thumb - EA in my view.

QuackDuckQuack · 18/04/2017 00:23

EA is a ridiculous suggestion. Many children who aren't discouraged from thumb sucking will end up needing orthodontics or will have the shape of their face permanently affected. Orthodontics really hurts, I wouldn't wish it on anyone. To not do your best to prevent your child from needing a long term medical intervention is pretty poor parenting. I'm not saying the time is right for the OP to try to get her DD to stop, but I do think it is in the best interests of most children to have stopped by 5.

JoshLymanIsHotterThanSam · 18/04/2017 00:27

EA...what the fucking fuck?
Ive spent 3 years helping my son to break the habit and at no point has it been abusive.

Limitededition7inch · 18/04/2017 00:29

Also on the nursery's side here. DS stopped having his dummy during the day from about 18 months (still had it at night for comfort) as his nursery discouraged it and they also have really discouraged thumb sucking as an extension of this. Seeing as it's bad for teeth and may be unhygienic I can see their point. Why do you want her to suck her thumb anyway?

nooka · 18/04/2017 00:48

The nursery obviously isn't managing things well though as the OP's dd is distressed and doesn't want to go back. They also didn't discuss the issue with the parents so have no idea whether their messages are reinforcing or conflicting with the way that the parents are managing finger sucking at home. The little girl is only three and sucks when she is needing comfort, if she is being told off for that rather than being distracted then it's not surprising that she is upset.

Oh and I think the jury is out re how much/if damage is caused by thumb sucking. My ds didn't really stop until his early teens and we assumed that his slightly wonky front teeth were due to the thumb sucking. Our orthodontist said that wasn't the case at all with most misalignment being genetic. It's our non thumb sucking dd that has had to have the painful expensive braces (in fact she has exactly the same issues a PP has claimed are thumb sucking sequelae).

BananaInPyjama · 18/04/2017 03:40

one of mine sucked their thumb until 6 ish.
Cost me about 900 quid to get an overbite plate put in to correct damage done by thumb sucking...and it was in for a year.(in Aus so we pay for everything dental)

Thank the nursery.

DPotter · 18/04/2017 04:19

Another late ex thumb sucker calling in with straight teeth and no braces or over bite.......

SoupDragon · 18/04/2017 08:41

Our orthodontist said that wasn't the case at all with most misalignment being genetic

DC's orthodontist made an interesting point. The only animal that has problems with misalignement of teeth and overcrowding is humans. Usually only humans in "developed" or westernised cultures too which implies it is down to environmental factors such as the soft food we eat and things like mouth breathing, slack jawed TV watching and thumbsucking etc.

I spent a good few years waiting for DSs to come out of secondary school and saw a lot of teenage boys in profile as they walked past, the number of flat faces was quite alarming. They all probably had beautiful straight teeth though.

SoupDragon · 18/04/2017 08:45

The thing is, not sucking a thumb or dummy never causes any dental or facial problems.

If, say, you walk around with your eyes shut, you won't always bump into something. However, opening your eyes will mean you don't bump into things. The same is true of thumbsucking and dental/facial issues.

toomuchtimereadingthreads2016 · 18/04/2017 09:20

Nursery complained to us about DD1s thumb sucking when she was 1... She still does it now, going to be 3 in july. I hardly notice her doing it, but DH says she does. Same as your DD when she is tired, bored or unsure. I said I was happy for them to ask her in a positive way to take her thumb out so we can do X activity, which is what we do at home, and leave her to it when it doesn't matter e.g. listening to story time. Worst thing about thumb sucking for me has been that she seems to have picked up ALL the bugs, which is common at nursery, but makes sense to me that there is a correlation with her putting her hands in her mouth so much!

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 18/04/2017 09:25

Your issue is sourly with the behaviour of the boys though - if she is being pushed around and spat at (wtf?) then she is naturally going to feel more anxious, which is going to lead to more finger sucking and then more corrections from staff, which is going to feed into more anxiety. Neither wonder she doesn't want to go - your focus should be in the behaviour management of the other children though.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 18/04/2017 09:25

Surely, not sourly ffs.

Onecutefox · 18/04/2017 09:36

Adults sucking their thumb for comfort. How is it possible?

kel1493 · 18/04/2017 11:05

They were wrong for telling her off in such a way, and yes IMO they should have asked for a meeting to discuss the issue with you first, so I don't think you're bu about that. I would be quite annoyed about them telling my child off, and not discussing the issue with me first.
However, I do think it should be discouraged. My mum never gave any of us a dummy as she doesn't like them, and I sucked my thumb until I was older than the age most children suck their thumb until. As a result I had issues with my teeth.
Personably (and I'll be flamed for this), I hate dummies. I hate everything about them, and hell would freeze over before I ever give any child of mine one. My son sucked him thumb for comfort when he was younger. Fortunately, he stopped on his own when he was around 9 months. He hasn't done it since. However I would have stopped it when he got older anyway.
So as I said, they were wrong for the way they dealt with it, but I also think at 3 it should be discouraged (though the amount of children who still have a dummy shoved in their mouth at that age disgusts me as well so).
(I don't mean to offend anyone, and in sure many children take great comfort from a dummy, just I can't stand seeing a piece of plastic in a babies mouth, what's the need at all?