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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Are pil bu?

43 replies

bibbitybobbityyhat · 17/04/2017 21:58

Yes, yes, yes ... yet another inlaws aibu. Feel free to click hide or scroll past.

We live 100 miles (or 2.5 to 3 hours drive) away from pil and most of dh's family.

Both of his parents have lots of siblings and nephews & nieces. Both of them are nc with some of their siblings some of the time and seem to get on ok with them at others (it is all completely confusing to me as an outsider).

Dh has hardly seen any of these relatives since he moved away from home at the age of 18 (ie. 32 years ago). He might have seen some of them at weddings and funerals etc but extremely sporadically. Infact, I think he might have difficulty even remembering who all of his cousins are.

Just recently one of his cousins (who I have never met) had a massive party for a significant birthday. He invited dh, me and our two children. The party was 100+ miles away from us. Dh's parents wanted us to go. We said no.

They are disappointed in us.

Are they being unreasonable?

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 17/04/2017 22:02

I don't know. I would have gone. 100 miles is nothing.

theymademejoin · 17/04/2017 22:04

Disappointed you're not going is perfectly reasonable. Disappointed in you sounds a bit OTT.

StillDrivingMeBonkers · 17/04/2017 22:05

Any reason why you said no?

Sparklingbrook · 17/04/2017 22:05

WE wouldn't have gone. Not driving 200 miles to celebrate someone's birthday that DH hadn't seen for 32 years and I had never met.

We avoid family dos at all costs.

The good thing about being a grown up is being able to say no, even to your parents. Grin

YouTheCat · 17/04/2017 22:08

If your dh wasn't bothered then that seems fine. It's not like they sound close plus they appear to love a bit of drama.

Whatsername17 · 17/04/2017 22:10

What theymademejoin said.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 17/04/2017 22:11

Sounds like my family. I don't go. I tell the people who invited me. I don't discuss with the wider family even if they try to discuss their disappointment. They are massively dysfunctional. Discussion never ends well.

rumblingDMexploitingbstds · 17/04/2017 22:12

They're being a bit dramatic. What's the shame and blame about?

NabobsFromNobHill · 17/04/2017 22:14

It takes you 3 hours to drive a hundred miles?

TheFairyCaravan · 17/04/2017 22:15

100 miles isn't a long way at all. My family live away from us. We've travelled further than that for kids' birthday parties.

They're NBU to be disappointed that you didn't go.

Sparklingbrook · 17/04/2017 22:18

100 miles is a long way to drive to something you don't want to go to.

I regularly drive 100 miles to see my DB but I like seeing him. Grin

Allthewaves · 17/04/2017 22:18

Well they are allowed to be disappointed. Just take it on the chin and move on

HappyLabrador · 17/04/2017 22:20

100 miles is nothing?

We wouldn't go 100+ miles to a birthday party for a random, distant cousin that my Dh hardly knows and I've never met.

Sod that. And I wouldn't give a flying fig if my in laws were 'disappointed' in us.

Original poster
bibbitybobbityyhat · 17/04/2017 22:21

100 miles is a long way to go to celebrate with someone you have barely seen for 30 years.

Yes, it does take us up to 3 hours to drive 100 miles. It takes more than an hour to get out of London.

OP posts:
user1471558436 · 17/04/2017 22:25

Might have been nice for DH to have gone.

BackforGood · 17/04/2017 22:29

Depends.
I've found, as I've got older, and you start losing your older relatives, that I want to make more effort with my cousins, etc., that I'd not seen much previously. It also gets easier now the dc are grown / growing and we can go to something like this either without them, or, if they come, without having to 'cater' for them and look after them all the time.
I don't, therefore, think it is strange to drive 100 miles to meet up with the wider family. It's not just about the cousin with the birthday, it's about seeing the wider family at an occasion that isn't a funeral. Therefore, I would have gone.

All that said, it's not really anyone else's place to say anything other than 'it's a shame you weren't able to come, you missed a good night, or It's a shame you didn't come - everyone else was there, it would have been nice to have the whole family together' type comments.

Batghee · 17/04/2017 22:30

I would not have gone. I think its fair enough not to go to the party of someone you barely know (unless your DH were close to them but you say he doesnt know them either really)

CotswoldStrife · 17/04/2017 22:35

We went to a party once with a load of relatives I didn't know (or at least didn't remember from childhood meetings) and it was a blast! Didn't your DH want to go at all to meet his family? I think you should have gone, they took the time to invite you so they would have wanted you there. I can see why your inlaws were disappointed that you turned it down (not that it means they should be disappointed in you personally). Why didn't your DH want to meet up with his family?

EweAreHere · 17/04/2017 22:37

Your in-laws have a right to be disappointed that they won't see you, but they don't have a right to be disappointed with you. There is a difference.

DH needs to gently tell them this.

HeddaGarbled · 17/04/2017 23:06

Yes, they are being unreasonable. It's your H's cousin. If he didn't want to go, he didn't have to. Don't get involved - this is between your H and his parents (unless it was you who persuaded your H not to go?)

NabobsFromNobHill · 18/04/2017 00:18

I guess that they are disappointed that he has little interest in his family and barely looked back after leaving home.
I would be too if my children did such a thing, but each to their own.

Crapuccino · 18/04/2017 00:32

God no. A 200 mile round trip for people who are effectively strangers? Forget it. Unless you're especially extrovert and social or want to reignite family relations then I see literally no point. Tell them you'll raise a glass at home.

On a side-point, they may be expressing disappointment just because that's the polite thing to say. Responding to a decline with "thank god!" rarely goes down well. It might be that everyone is trying to protect everyone's feelings here.

Original poster
bibbitybobbityyhat · 18/04/2017 09:43

I guess that they are disappointed that he has little interest in his family and barely looked back after leaving home.
I would be too if my children did such a thing, but each to their own.

That's exactly the sort of self pitying thing his mother would say.

They are a working class rural family. They really do live in the middle of nowhere. They encouraged dh and his brother to go to grammar school and dh was one of the first in his family to go to University. From there he got a job he loves that can only be done in London. They wanted this for him! It's not like he lives on the other side of the world! He sees his parents at least 6 times per year. He doesn't get on with his brother particularly but we see them 2 or 3 times, too.

I won't be disappointed in my children if they have a great job, a home of their own, two lovely children and a good relationship. I would be delighted!

OP posts:
RunRabbitRunRabbit · 18/04/2017 13:09

Does he care that they are saying they are disappointed?

ChaiTeaTaiChi · 18/04/2017 13:13

I won't be disappointed in my children if they have a great job, a home of their own, two lovely children and a good relationship. I would be delighted

Why does all of that include never coming back to visit your family? It doesn't, does it? What a very silly thing to suggest.