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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Are pil bu?

43 replies

bibbitybobbityyhat · 17/04/2017 21:58

Yes, yes, yes ... yet another inlaws aibu. Feel free to click hide or scroll past.

We live 100 miles (or 2.5 to 3 hours drive) away from pil and most of dh's family.

Both of his parents have lots of siblings and nephews & nieces. Both of them are nc with some of their siblings some of the time and seem to get on ok with them at others (it is all completely confusing to me as an outsider).

Dh has hardly seen any of these relatives since he moved away from home at the age of 18 (ie. 32 years ago). He might have seen some of them at weddings and funerals etc but extremely sporadically. Infact, I think he might have difficulty even remembering who all of his cousins are.

Just recently one of his cousins (who I have never met) had a massive party for a significant birthday. He invited dh, me and our two children. The party was 100+ miles away from us. Dh's parents wanted us to go. We said no.

They are disappointed in us.

Are they being unreasonable?

OP posts:

CassandraAusten · 18/04/2017 13:16

If your DC had a great job and family but chose not to attend family events, are you sure you wouldn't be a bit disappointed?

I think they are reasonable to feel disappointed and to say so. They'd be unreasonable to go on and on about it though.

Speakingmymind · 18/04/2017 13:24

That's exactly the sort of self pitying thing his mother would say.

Why bother posting then? You clearly think they are being unreasonable.

SeaCabbage · 18/04/2017 13:41

They are allowed to be disappointed but you are allowed to not go to parties you don't want to go to, surely?!

Do not discuss .

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 18/04/2017 13:48

He might have seen some of them at weddings and funerals etc but extremely sporadically
From my experience with far-flung family, the older we get the more that thought occurs so I think that's why your PILs were disappointed - it might have seen like an opportunity to get together on a jolly occasion. Whereas (not unreasonably) you felt you would have the expense and faff of a long trip to see folk you barely know .

Chloe84 · 18/04/2017 13:57

it's weird that the older generation are happy to go NC and then resume contact at the drop of a hat, and then expect it to have no effect on DH.

I don't blame your DH for not wanting to go. I would leave them to it as well. I know it's the cousin's party, but invite has probably come from the parents.

BackforGood · 18/04/2017 16:44

That's exactly the sort of self pitying thing his mother would say

What a horrible thing to say.
It is not in any way self pitying. It is expressing disappointment that the dc you've raised don't want to make the effort to see their family.

I won't be disappointed in my children if they have a great job, a home of their own, two lovely children and a good relationship. I would be delighted!

I would be disappointed if they thought so little of the people who supported them to get there, that they couldn't make the effort to come and see them all once in a while.

I think that horrible comment says a lot about you, tbh.

Birdsgottaf1y · 18/04/2017 16:52

Have you seen the advert were they are asking people who they want to have dinner with and the Adults pick famous people,were-as the children pick "all of the family"?

You get like that as you get older, as well. You realise what you should have spent time on.

I wish my Parents had set me up to be on a good career path, how much your DH takes his childhood for granted, is a shame.

Birdsgottaf1y · 18/04/2017 16:53

Also,it would have been nice for your children to see everyone, surely.

My family was scattered about and i resent my parents not keeping family relationships going.

Original poster

bibbitybobbityyhat · 18/04/2017 16:56

Please please please read the op!

He does go to family events. He does see his parents and they get to see the grandchildren. He is not in touch with extended family (Aunts, Uncles, cousins) - but then neither are his parents particularly! He sees them via his parents occasionally. But, on this occasion, for the birthday of a cousin he has barely seen in more than 30 years, we chose not to go. If the party had been closer I suppose we might have gone but it was 100 miles away!

OP posts:

Original poster

bibbitybobbityyhat · 18/04/2017 16:59

Birds - my children are 16 and 13. The only people they would have known at the party would have been their grandparents. They have met one of the great uncles, once, but that was probably 6 or 7 years ago.

OP posts:

Floralnomad · 18/04/2017 17:00

We wouldn't have gone , do you send Christmas and birthday greetings to these people - if not then you are not close enough to go 100 miles to a party .

crunched · 18/04/2017 17:19

My teenagers were fascinated to meet my cousins at a recent do. Just as donkeysdontridebycycles says, jolly occasions to re-connect are few and far between, certainly in my family.
My DC couldn't understand why they had never met my cousins before (my 3 cousins are 15 years older than me, live 450 miles away and we have no common interests) and pointing out how popular those ancestry websites etc. were at pains to tell me I should have kept in touch. I won't, but at least if my children ever want to, they can put a face to an address/Facebook page.

I agree with PP who say they hope success and happy relationships, even those conducted many miles away, will not lead to rejection of the extended family.

happypoobum · 18/04/2017 17:29

I don't understand what it has to do with PIL

BertrandRussell · 18/04/2017 17:39

Because in the real world, parents-in-law are one's dp's parents. I realize that on Mumsnet they are just random strangers allocated on the occasion of a wedding............

Weatherforecaster · 18/04/2017 17:53

100 miles is nothing. In some countries you'd do that to go to the nearest shop. This is family.

happypoobum · 18/04/2017 18:14

Bertrand

What I meant was, I cannot imagine telling my fifty year old son that I was disappointed in him because he didn't attend someone else's party, or thinking I should be in control of how he spends his time......

It all seems rather odd to me but it takes all sorts.

Original poster

bibbitybobbityyhat · 18/04/2017 20:29

I suppose if my dh had seen his parents making enormous efforts to keep in touch with extended family in his childhood then he might have made it a priority. But he did not. His father does not keep in touch with all of his siblings (and those he does, he moans about constantly). His mother is close to 2 of her 4 siblings but not the other 2. The other 2 live within 5 miles of them and she goes years without seeing them.

It was dh who made the decision not to go Bertrand, before you get all agitated. We didn't even really discuss it between us. He was aware of the invitation, he thought it was odd, he declined politely. I had nothing to do with it!

OP posts:

Floggingmolly · 18/04/2017 20:34

No. I wouldn't have considered going either.

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