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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Why is this woman so obnoxious towards DH?

119 replies

Hoolahoops · 17/04/2017 14:02

How does an adult woman in her thirties get to a point where she behaves like this?

When she arrived at our house and DH brought her bags up to her room, rather than saying thankyou, she sarcastically said, "You can't put anything down in this house can you?" When he went to top up her glass at lunch she said, "Its ok I'll let you know if I'm thirsty". When he held the door for her going into a shop she wanted to go in, she said, "Are you going to just stand there like a muppet?" The most embarrassing moment though, was on the same walk when DH had lifted the DC over a gate and helped me over. When he offered her his hand, she said, "I know you think I'm a heffer, but you don't have to make it do f-ing obvious!"

Confused

The context to all this is that she came for Easter lunch with no gifts, flowers or wine. She let her 6 year old wander with chocolate hands and face and wipe it all over the sofas. She was using the c and f words as a matter of course during the whole visit.

Finally, when DH offered to take her bags to the car, she said, "My arms won't f-ing fall off you know,"

I will not be asking her here again, but AIBU to wonder how some women can get to the point where they can't even accept basic manners from men and have to make a spectacle of themselves in the process?

OP posts:
Beeziekn33ze · 17/04/2017 15:22

So basic manners to a guest are now 'posh' - I don't think so.
If ever someone was asking for NC!!

ScarlettFreestone · 17/04/2017 15:23

Hoola. I don't understand this part:

"I suspect she sensed I was annoyed when she left this morning though."

Suspected??? She was your guest! You allowed her to treat your DH badly for the whole weekend? Shock

Why on earth did you do that?

Why didn't you take her aside and speak to her about her unacceptable behaviour?

She behaved badly because you (and your husband) allowed it.

Next time put on your big girl pants and speak up.

bringbacksideburns · 17/04/2017 15:24

Well, as you didn't say anything at the time I hope you are going to stand up to her in an email.
Tell her that you hated the way she acted, particularly towards your husband who was only being polite and making her feel welcome.

I'd have no worries telling her if she's never visiting you again.

OnceMoreIntoTheBleach · 17/04/2017 15:27

Sounds to me like she is insanely jealous that you have an OH who is decent and polite and attentive.

Agerbilatemycardigan · 17/04/2017 15:27

I'm guessing that being an arsehole's her raison d'etre.

Hoolahoops · 17/04/2017 15:29

Well it's awkward challenging someone in your own house because she could have stormed off with the DD after drinking a fair bit and where would they have gone? I'm not one for scenes, I admit and who wants to argue with that.

OP posts:
ohidoliketobebesidethecoast · 17/04/2017 15:29

As she was your friend/acquaintance, YOU really should have told her that her behaviour had to change (esp the swearing), IMO it was a bit off to leave you DH being spoken to that way.
All the 'it was just banter' thing doesn't wash with me - banter is between people who know each other v well, and are both talking in joke insults. what she did was being rude to a bloke she doesn't know, who was being nice to her.

Hoolahoops · 17/04/2017 15:33

I m not into this banter thing either because to me it's just an excuse to be rude, but I realise some people are different so I was trying to tell myself that. DH doesn't give a hoot about her really. If I thought he was getting wound up I would have intervened. It was more shock and the annoyance is setting in since she left.

OP posts:
StillStayingClassySanDiego · 17/04/2017 15:34

If you can't challenge someone in your own home,where your Dh was spoken to appallingly, where would you feel able to?

I'm not trying to make you feel bad but she walked all over the pair of you.

ScarlettFreestone · 17/04/2017 15:35

Hoola there are ways to do these things that don't involve storming off but even if she had, so what?

She's an adult she's responsible for her own actions.

She presumably wasn't drunk the entire weekend? Was she drunk on arrival, at the shops, climbing over a gate?

You sound very nice but I'm afraid if you behave like a doormat some people will walk all over you. They shouldn't, but they do. Sad

DaemonPantalaemon · 17/04/2017 15:37

There wasn't someone called Laura who invited their bf down to the hen night as well?

This is Laura's big sister. She is also related to Bride A from the wedding in France :)

Iflyaway · 17/04/2017 15:53

God, she sounds dreadful!

Please work on strengthening your boundaries and not let people trample all over you and your family like that.

I would have been furious! And said something.

Who the fuck does she think she is?! Most of us at one point or another go through a traumatic breakdown of a marriage/relationship guilty as charged but that gives you no right to dump your crap all over everyone else! Angry

Xcrispypancakesx · 17/04/2017 15:54

Bluntness / sarcastic comments = northern humour. Obviously generalisation, but it exists.
Swearing = her personality/ common
Not turning up with flowers, wine etc = some people just don't, or she might just be ignorant, again her personality.
Badly behaved child = bad parenting, or maybe she's just having a tough time at the moment.
Not telling the women to buggar off = southern 😀

The ops biggest gripe appears to be the sarcastic comments, which come across to me as an attempt at humour, that I recognise as northern - I have grown up around it and so I am immune! It doesn't come across to me as prolonged attack on the op or her husband, which is how the op is interpreting it.

Obviously as I have already said if the women is not to your taste then just don't bother maintaining the friendship.

citychick · 17/04/2017 15:58

OP, I'm with you on this one.
She's shown her true colours and she's now gone. And as she lives a good distance away, you won't have her bullying you on a daily/ weekly/ monthly basis.

It's breathtakingly awful when you invite someone into your home and they treat you and your loved ones with such contempt.

You don't have to justify your life to her in the slightest.

Hopefully she's gone for good?

Goingtobeawesome · 17/04/2017 15:58

This isn't northern banter. It's just out and out rudeness.

Mummyoflittledragon · 17/04/2017 16:03

Daemon Grin

She sounds like a disaster. Never again eh?!

YNK · 17/04/2017 16:05

I'm living in the north.
I don't know anyone up here who would allow a friend to behave like that in front of their family!
We're not animals, you know!

Your friend, your home, your responsibility!

WeAllHaveWings · 17/04/2017 16:08

I don't care who is in my home, if they use offensive language they would be politely told we don't talk that way in this house, especially in front of my child. If they continued they would be asked to leave.

As for the rest of it, how would you have felt if one of your dh's friends came and talked to and treat you like a piece of dirt and your dh didn't say anything.

YABU wondering how she got to this age thinking it was acceptable. She thinks it acceptable because the people around her, including you, fail to tell her otherwise.

Dragongirl10 · 17/04/2017 16:30

Op..l would have been telling her to leave after the second swearword in front of Dcs..(assuming she had not heeded warning after the first)

You need to stop being a doormat...friends bring flowers/chocolate or wine, are polite and grateful to a charming DH/control their Dcs and should respect how you live.....

She was using you and is no friend...

Crapuccino · 17/04/2017 16:31

Oh, I missed the Northern bit. Northerner born and bred. I wouldn't attribute her behaviour to being from up North. I'd attribute it to being from up her own arse.

Myrobalanna · 17/04/2017 16:36

I had this once, directed at me. Went to the house of a friend of a friend for brunch, and her husband, whom I'd never met before, just went for me. He hated me on sight.

I assumed that a) it was a chemical thing or b) he'd heard things about me earlier and made up his mind already.

Could anyone have talked to her about your DH and he's come out badly in that conversation? You never know!

(Not that it excuses her rudeness but you did ask why.)

Willow2017 · 17/04/2017 16:39

She could have found a hotel pda if you had thrown her out the door op.

I wouldn't out up with that crap in my home when I was doing someone a favour.

I would be telling her to parent her kid and mind her mouth.
Doesn't matter who they are they don't treat me and mine like dirt and get to stay.

Hoolahoops · 17/04/2017 16:51

I take all the comments on board and yes, I was stupid to invite her. She was always quite opinionated, but I suppose I just thought she would have calmed down over the years. I felt sorry for her and she asked to come, rather than me inviting her. I should have thought if an excuse and I regret that now.
It doesn't matter to me where she's from, I just wonder how people can get to be like this. It's a type of insecurity maybe?

OP posts:
YNK · 17/04/2017 16:52

There was once a friend of my daughter who came to my home and wanted to talk to me about politics as he heard I was interested.
He turned out to be a uKipper!
The first time he used the racist P word, I warned him it wasn't allowed in my house. He then proceeded to tell me it was ok (wtf???) and used it again!
His face was a picture when I said "OUT" but I bloody meant it and out he did go!
My house and I decide what's ok, pal!

YNK · 17/04/2017 16:55

You are still doing it, OP.
Why would you need an excuse?
NO is a complete sentence, as is get out!
Get some big girls pants and defend your family!

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