AIBU to want to spend my husbands PIP on a long haul holiday?

[quietheart]

Background for perspective - my DH has a PDO depression and anxiety due to an abusive and neglectful childhood. Though he works hard at staying well - our life is peppered with difficult periods - and I give him a lot of emotional support.
While all our friends were celebrating their 40th birthdays with parties and special holidays I spent the months surrounding my 40th visiting him in a MH unit. It was a very difficult time - you can not live with a person with severe MH problems without it affecting your own wellbeing.
The hospital applied for DLA which was a great help as he could not work for a few months - it is a credit to him that he has almost always maintained full time work despite struggling and periods off sick. I work FT and I have financially supported us when he has been unable to earn or earned less. We did not re apply for DLA.
He always has down periods but late last year his relapse was bad - though not enough for hospital admission - we applied for PIP - which takes ages. He was paid while off work but meanwhile was offered a new job with a bit of a pay rise and more suited to his needs - this also helped lift his mood.
He has just been awarded PIP for one year - it is our 21st wedding anniversary this year and for once I want something special - I suppose to make up for my 40th - to celebrate our marriage and to reward me for all of the bloody hard work I have put in to our relationship over the years.
The PIP will be about £4K and we no longer need it to supplement our income. WIBU to want to spend it on a long haul holiday?

What does your DH think?

Would a long haul flight cause him undue stress?

Would putting most of the money aside for a rainy day?
Once it's spent it's spent and no amount of needing money for something will bring it back.

What if he needs it later if he unable to work again? Isn't it supposed to be for that kind of thing, not making up for a lost 40th birthday?

I'd say it's not your money and you shouldn't expect to be recompensed for something you did for the man you love. That's not how life works. If it was carers money that would be different as it's for you but this money is for him to use to enable him to continue living a normal life.

It sounds like it is too early to say you don't need it - it is still early days in his recovery and you say yourself he has relapses - if you were 10 years down the line it might be a different matter.

Provided it would be relaxing for him not stressful then spending £500 on a weekend away sounds reasonable but not blowing the lot.

I guess it's a question of what he wants? Holidays can have tangible benefits for depression and if it would contribute to his continued recovery then why not. But £4K is a lot to spend on one holiday - that's a big amount of money to be gone within 2 weeks. And although he is well now, presumably the PIP was awarded on the basis of some ongoing needs - have you discussed these with him? Plus it's always wise to save for a rainy day.

Definitely if you both want to do it (check he can get appropriate travel insurance just in case though) you sound like you deserve a good holiday. Well done you both for working as much as you can during difficult times.

As imnottoofussed says. It's not your money and you really shouldn't have desires to be spending it like that!

Why do you want to be compensated for maintaining your wedding vows?

The way you're wording this makes me feel uncomfortable. Almost as though you feel like your owed something for having a husband with MH problems. Sorry.

its your husbands money, so i dont think you should be making plans on it without him saying thats what you want. Its not a reward for your patience.

I think this is a tough one. I can see why many will say that you shouldn't spend it on a holiday, but personally I would go for it, but only if you think it will be of benefit to you both.
My belief PIP is there to help people live a more normal life, and so if this holiday is beneficial to you, go for it.

For full disclosure, I've just been awarded PIP, under terminal illness rules. Like the OP we could manage without it, but plan to use the money to ensure that can do some of the things we want to in the next year; so when I do go my DS (10) has at least have been able to have a good final holiday with me.

I'd save half and spend half. YANBU to want something nice after all you've been through but I think you still need to be sensible. £2k will provide an amazing holiday for the two of you and you'll still have a £2k cushion in the bank.

I can understand your feelings, but I would put the money away safely in case he falters later. And don't go on about needing rewarding, that'll just make him feel like shit. A birthday is just a day, it really isn't worth all this angst. You seem to have holding a lot of resentment at the moment, and this isn't healthy for either of you...It isn't your fault but you don't need rewarding for looking after your husband after 20odd years of marriage.

Could you compromise and go on a nice short haul holiday? If your income doesn't need supplementing why do you need the PIP for that?

The PIP will be about £4K and we no longer need it to supplement our income.

Then don't claim it. It's not there as an extra perk, it's to help those in serious need. People can spend it on what they like, their money. But if you openly admit you don't need it then you shouldnt be claiming it.

What your husband think day is pretty critical to this.

Personally I think it would be shortsighted to blow a huge amount of money on a holiday when you have good reason to think it may be needed later - to support reduced income or on private support for his MH.

I know this won't sound sympathetic, and having watch my parents care for a suicidal adult child please believe that I am sympathetic of the toll on you. But... feeling you missed out on a 40th is a bit... well, it's a birthday and the number is just cos we are a decimal society. Very few people make a big deal (financially!) of it. I get that you missing out is loaded with other emotions.

I would go on a cheaper holiday with my husband if he agreed and especially if it helped his health. I'd drop the thought that long haul = treat = better. You can do a fabulous break in Europe, with guaranteed sun (if that's your thing) for less money.

Then - bank the rest.

I hope he stays well

It's not your money to spend.

What does your husband want to do with the money?

YANBU to want to go on holiday, but it reads as if you see the cash as 'reward' money for supporting your husband.

I am sure there are plenty of people who are run ragged caring for loved ones without qualifiying for a £4k payout, who may just feel a tiny bit sick that you could consider throwing it all away on a two week break for yourself OP. I bet many of them would do anything just for a weekend away or even a night's respite.

If your dh wants a holiday - and it should be his decision as only he knows whether it will benefit his health - why spend it all at once? You could have four holidays over the next four years with that money, or even more shorter breaks.

What has he said about it all?

It's his money that is intended to go towards extra costs incurred as a result of disability. That said, you can spend it on whatever you want (as the claimant) and if a holiday would help reduce stress and improve quality of life then maybe it would be a good choice. The holiday isn't necessarily unreasonable (though 4k on a huge fancy one when he could end up off sick and needing the money for daily expenses/therapy etc seems excessive) but you choosing what the money is spent on is. It is his, not compensation for your 40th birthday being affected by his health or your reward for "all the hard work" you've put in

How does he deal with "big" holidays? I ask because I have a personality disorder (is that what pdo stood for?) depression and anxiety, and I find that the bigger holidays, celebrations etc are very stressful for me. In fact they throw me off quite severely either before or after. It's always a worry that stability of moods may not be on the cards!

I can't see why it couldn't be spent on nice things for both him and you to look forward to. In the past I got PIP and I spent it on gifts for DD and DH when it was finally awarded, because DH had been the only one working and also caring for me. He had gone without so that I could have what I needed.
And DD because there's no way she was unaffected by my illness.

The only thing I would ask is, is it possibly worth using that 4K for a few smaller get always, gigs etc?
I like to have something to look forward to, it keeps morale up. Especially when I'm feeling wretched otherwise it can be hard to keep sight of why you are trying so hard to be well.

PIP is none means tested Millionaires can get it providing they meet the criteria spend it on what you like , i,m not sure however why you would post this on AIBU?

I think you really shouldn't blow it all on a holiday. He may face another relapse where you end up needing that financial safety net.

By all means if he wants to spend some of it on a holiday, then do. But I think at least half of it should be saved to give something to fall back on if the situation changes.

The way you describe it rewarding you for your hard work, rediculous. I've had severe anxiety and depression for 10 years, only just about recovered myself. I didn't claim any help, as i didn't want to. I plowed on and raised a family and at no point do i feel entitled to a reward. Yes i can appreciate you may have hit hard times, but you chose your marriage and to stand by it. You don't get rewards with state money!

Your DH was awarded that money, he can use it as he wishes and if he sees a holiday as good respite etc then great.

I think it has to be your DH's decision. I've been on PIP and DLA for years and it pays towards our annual holiday (paid into my main bank account so not separated from other income). Other times I've used it for therapy, because that benefited me more than a holiday. In the past I spent it on fees for an MA course which I did just for interest, as having something to focus on was the best thing for my health. There aren't any restrictions at all on what you spend it on, but in principle it should be something that makes life easier for the claimant.

If he's entitled to PIP I don't care what you spend it on. It's intenddd to pay for the costs of disability rather than as income replacement. Whether it's sensible for you to blow £4K on a holiday will depend on your finances generally. You need to work on the basis that his income might be at risk if he becomes unwell again. Do you have insurance/savings to tide you over? If he became unwell and would benefit from private therapy, would you be able to afford it? If he needed to work part time, could you afford that?

Holidays can alleviate depression and anxiety.

They can also exacerbate it.

I've experienced both - I'd say be very careful of creating massive expectations around this trip if you decide to take it. The last thing you want is to be thousands of miles away from home with a seriously unwell dh.