AIBU to want to spend my husbands PIP on a long haul holiday?

[quietheart]

Background for perspective - my DH has a PDO depression and anxiety due to an abusive and neglectful childhood. Though he works hard at staying well - our life is peppered with difficult periods - and I give him a lot of emotional support.
While all our friends were celebrating their 40th birthdays with parties and special holidays I spent the months surrounding my 40th visiting him in a MH unit. It was a very difficult time - you can not live with a person with severe MH problems without it affecting your own wellbeing.
The hospital applied for DLA which was a great help as he could not work for a few months - it is a credit to him that he has almost always maintained full time work despite struggling and periods off sick. I work FT and I have financially supported us when he has been unable to earn or earned less. We did not re apply for DLA.
He always has down periods but late last year his relapse was bad - though not enough for hospital admission - we applied for PIP - which takes ages. He was paid while off work but meanwhile was offered a new job with a bit of a pay rise and more suited to his needs - this also helped lift his mood.
He has just been awarded PIP for one year - it is our 21st wedding anniversary this year and for once I want something special - I suppose to make up for my 40th - to celebrate our marriage and to reward me for all of the bloody hard work I have put in to our relationship over the years.
The PIP will be about £4K and we no longer need it to supplement our income. WIBU to want to spend it on a long haul holiday?

Thank you for your replies. To answer some of the questions the reason I posted in AIBU is for the traffic - for the honest answers I would receive and also because I suspected that I was somewhat BU.
Yes on hindsight I do think that long haul may stress him - all other holidays - events and life in general have to be fully organised by me. I think the suggestions of a shorter - closer break would be more appropriate.
My 40th birthday was an example but it is a drop in the ocean of both the support I have given and the desperation I have felt - not for myself but for my DH - it is devastating seeing the person you love in so much pain and struggling.
I did not think of it as a reward but you are right over the years I have sometimes resented our situation - forgive me if I sometimes feel sorry for myself. It really does have an affect on the carer - living with a partner with severe MH problems is extremely difficult and I am human - but I have never faltered in my love - respect and support of him.
As for my marriage vows I have lived with him for over 21 years and believe me I have honoured every vow for richer for poorer - in sickness and in health - for better for worse - and until death us do part has almost happened sooner than I would ever want - on more than one occasion. Our marriage has survived some very troubled times and that is credit to us both.
He will always be ill - it is his default position - a personality disorder can not be cured - only managed through coping strategies - which he tried hard to maintain. On the advice of his psychiatrists I have trained in MH including PDO to have a better understanding.
As for my DHs opinion - he would go if I wanted to - he might even say he was looking forward to it and suggest places he would like to visit. Which brings me back to why I posted on here - for some objective opinions - I realise no one can know the full extent but sometimes things need putting in perspective and outside views can be helpful.

I really struggle with the moral element of claiming the PIP if you no longer need it???? I could understand keeping it incase he relapses and you genuinely need income assistance but struggle with keeping it and going on holiday.

If you saved from both your incomes for a holiday then fair enough, but I'm not sure PIP is there to 'reward' you for going through very hard times. I do believe you need breaks etc and this is part of keeping your husband well but Im just not sure this is appropriate.

I do welfare advice. Year long awards are a pain. They are normally awarded when someone's condition is likely to change very rapidly either for better or worse so they want to reassess basically straight away (the dwp always has a backlog and the date of reassessment is based on the "date of award" not the "date of application" so there can be quite a long wait, usually multiple months, even for a "straight away" reassessment). The OP's DH's MH problems are clearly extremely fluctuating and the DWP wants to wait and see if this relapse is more permanent or, alternatively, he gets better-as he has done in the past-and no longer qualifies.
As for the holiday, I don't really know. I do know that I would be very reluctant to spend a large amount of money on a holiday if I wasn't convinced that the family's finances weren't stable. New PIP awards, new jobs, MH relapses all seem very up in the air to me. What if he has to quit his job and you no longer have his income coming in?

If you are going on a long haul holiday, you will need travel insurance, for which you have to declare pre-existing conditions. One of those you will be asked about is mental health.
You might be refused insurance or have to pay a large amount to get it.

quietheart I don't think PIP is for saving up, it is for anything that will help and support your husband. I actually don't see that spending some money to help you deal with a difficult situation is unreasonable. Of course if it was too stressful for him that wouldn't be helping him.

Where would he like to go? Somewhere that would be good for both of you would be ideal.

Please don't feel you have to justify yourself, people can be holier than thou but unless you have lived as a carer for years you just don't get it. I have been my husband's carer for over 25 years and I know how hard it is. I have a friend who has been in a similar situation for over 20 years and she had a stroke last year and is now in a worse position than her husband, it takes a toll so look after yourself and I hope you have a great holiday.

You are bu to claim when you've said yourself you don't need it.

I'm all for those in need receiving help but money for far flung holidays or to do an MA for a bit of a hobby, no.

OP I think you have been an amazingly supportive wife. Many people do not realise the strain of living with someone with a long term mental health condition - and when you state 'you cannot live with someone with a mental health condition without it affecting your wellbeing too'' you are of course, right

You deserve some support too and you both deserve something to look forward to - you both really need it

If a long haul seems a lot to start how about a more local , long weekend away? and then if that goes well maybe look at something more adventurous.

Those who say 'it is not your money to spend' have no idea how family finances work, as money is shared

Good luck to you

SIB09. Disability benefits such as pip/ dla/ attendance allowance are all non means tested, people can claim them no matter how much they earn or have in the bank if they meet the disability criteria.
I see a lot of older people with care needs wanting to claim Attendance allowance, they have tens of thousands of pounds in the bank but can still claim it and do. A lot use the words " well I've paid into the system all my life so I might as well get something back". I can kind of see their point. These non means tested benefits are meant to pay for the extra expenses that being disabled brings but I guess if you have enough income already ( from wages. or private pensions ) to cover those things, then the disability benefits will be surplus and will go on luxuries or into a savings account.
For older people it doesn't really matter whether you spend your private pension or your attendance allowance on a gardener or carer or someone to clean your house because you can't manage it yourself, all the money undoubtedly goes in the same household pot.

How many people claim tax allowances and child benefit when they could manage without? Why should claiming PIP be judged any differently. He is entitled to it and now it is family money. His wife has supported him financially so I don't think it is unreasonable for her to benefit from it.

Yes it is one year due to fluctuating MH as was the DLA. We have holiday insurance through our bank which we have to pay a premium on - he has never been refused. We also have income protection insurance but this is not a great amount as it was taken out many years ago and pre existing conditions were not an issue. There is no way we could afford a new payment protection insurance.
The money needs to be banked as a back up for future occasions when he cannot work or is on SSP I can see that now.

Could you save it for the future or overpay the mortgage? This might alleviate financial worries. Even if they are not immediate.
I think a big holiday may not be the right thing but purely because they can be a stress in themselves.

I know if I ever get to the stage where I want to spend his PIP on a holiday to reward me for all my hard work then our marriage is in trouble

You are just twisting what the OP is saying to suit your own agenda U2

granny - You are correct. I know people who are mortgage free ( paid it off before they had kids). they both now work part time and get a lot in child tax credits which they don't need for everyday costs but save for holidays and days out. No -one sees anything wrong in that.
I know a lone parent who gets hundreds in child maintainace, each month. She still claims tax credits for the child because she can.

How about if a holiday was an amazing thing, to get yourselves away from the stresses and strains and routines, and concentrate on yourselves OP, you matter too. You will be of NO USE WHATSOEVER if you end up ill yourself due to being frazzled mentally and physically

Well, I understand the OP entirely. My husband will never be well again and I am the only one working right now, while being a carer.

It can be a tough slog and I understand completely how the OP feels. I get the devastation of watching the man you love in pain and struggling with daily life. It's horrendous.

There is nothing wrong with wanting a holiday. If both of them want it that is. I would love to go away for a few days and have a break myself.

The OP in her first post did paint a picture of someone who thinks they deserve a reward for their hard work and for missing their birthday, but after reading your last post I just think the first post was written quite bluntly so I apologise for calling your attitude horrible OP

My dh would never cope with a big holiday. A shorter one seems much more doable.

Op I think you should hedge your bets and have a nice holiday somewhere in Europe that you fancy or maybe several long weekends and put the balance aside for later. Sounds like you both need a change of scenery, plus something to look forward to will lift your mood.
If you DH has just started a new job he may have difficulty getting enough time off for a long haul trip for a while. As someone who has regularly had to take long haul flights for personal reasons I can tell you that the actual commute is not very pleasurable and if you need to change planes that can add to the anxiety, whereas shorter overseas trips are so much easier.
Good luck, whatever you decide.

If you have a one year pip award you will not actually receive pip for a year. Your renewal letter will come through any day. So in reality it will be 4-6 months not 12.

You are just twisting what the OP is saying to suit your own agenda U2

Yes, you are right. It was the way it was put which originally put my back up a little, but I was wrong to post the way I did and I apologise again OP.

I think you are being sensible about saving the money for future eventualities.

However, you're not wrong at all to think about holidays or time out. Being a carer is desperately hard work and you also need to take care of yourself. There used to be a grant that you could apply for through the GP for around £750 to be used however it was needed (to pay for respite care, or for the holiday itself if going together) but sadly that has now been scrapped. You should definitely be thinking about how you can take care of yourself in order to best support your husband in the long term; maybe spending some of it on a holiday would be a good compromise.

To clarify pip ends before the award end date unlike dla.

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The money is your husband's to do with as he wants, from the point of view of PIP rules. However, is he still claiming it, and if so does that mean his condition remains such that he would find it very difficult to cope with a major trip? And/or could it be used by the DWP as evidence that he is better and therefore a reason to end his claim, and even claim some back as an overpayment?
I'm not suggesting people in reception of PIP shouldn't enjoy holidays, but unfortunately the DWP can take a more cynical view.

Following on from a few comments my GP has often expressed concerns for my health - he knows us both and constantly reminds me to look after myself first otherwise I will be of no use to anyone - his favourite quote is that even Duracell runs out of power eventually.

Our money is shared - his PIP is our money - the same as my earnings have been our money when he has not earned - and both our earnings are shared. However all financial decisions are taken together - although this can take an eternity as making a decision can sometimes literally blow my DHs mind.

I do appreciate your replies and thank you to the pp who understand that it is not only my DH who struggles.

It is your dh's money to do with with as he wishes but I think it would be unwise to spend it all on a holiday.
We receive DLA for ds and around a half of it goes into the pot for day to day expenses. The other half goes into longer term savings which we occasionally draw on.

I think it should be entirely and 100% up to him.