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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to want to spend my husbands PIP on a long haul holiday?

101 replies

quietheart · 17/04/2017 10:01

Background for perspective - my DH has a PDO depression and anxiety due to an abusive and neglectful childhood. Though he works hard at staying well - our life is peppered with difficult periods - and I give him a lot of emotional support.
While all our friends were celebrating their 40th birthdays with parties and special holidays I spent the months surrounding my 40th visiting him in a MH unit. It was a very difficult time - you can not live with a person with severe MH problems without it affecting your own wellbeing.
The hospital applied for DLA which was a great help as he could not work for a few months - it is a credit to him that he has almost always maintained full time work despite struggling and periods off sick. I work FT and I have financially supported us when he has been unable to earn or earned less. We did not re apply for DLA.
He always has down periods but late last year his relapse was bad - though not enough for hospital admission - we applied for PIP - which takes ages. He was paid while off work but meanwhile was offered a new job with a bit of a pay rise and more suited to his needs - this also helped lift his mood.
He has just been awarded PIP for one year - it is our 21st wedding anniversary this year and for once I want something special - I suppose to make up for my 40th - to celebrate our marriage and to reward me for all of the bloody hard work I have put in to our relationship over the years.
The PIP will be about £4K and we no longer need it to supplement our income. WIBU to want to spend it on a long haul holiday?

OP posts:

Mulberry72 · 17/04/2017 10:33

It's up to your DH what he spends his PIP on.

I don't understand why you feel you should be rewarded for supporting your DH through his MH problems? You sound extremely resentful towards the poor man!

Allthewaves · 17/04/2017 10:37

If you have savings fine but if u don't I'd be banking it for any issues in the future

Goldfishjane · 17/04/2017 10:37

And if he gets more ill?

TheFirstMrsDV · 17/04/2017 10:46

Its up to your OH.
Just the idea of a Long Haul would send my anxiety though the roof UNLESS someone else was organising the whole thing.

fairy PIP has nothing to do with working or not working. So whether the OH can go back to work is irrelevant.

We use my OHs PIP and DS's DLA to get by. Technically it could be argued that they are not for that either.
But I can't afford to put it all aside for private physio and sensory integration etc.
Disability has made us 'poor'.

Happyhippy45 · 17/04/2017 10:46

YANU to want to spend it on a holiday.
Living with/caring for someone with a mental illness is emotionally draining, stressful and very difficult.
No doubt you need a break.
Difficult possibly to suggest a holiday and your reasons for wanting/needing one to you DH without him feeling a bit shit about putting you under so much stress.

Dumbo412 · 17/04/2017 10:49

I think the OP is getting a rough time here, people with personality disorders can be really hard to live with so can those with anxiety and depression. I have never been ill enough to be admitted into hospital, but it hasn't been easy for DH who has been my main support. OP very much like my husband has taken the financial burden when things have been very bad, why, now that there's a little extra is she not able to want a holiday?

Not only is there the extra financial burden to take into account, there's the almost constant care, constant reaffirmation of positives and constantly shooing away negative beliefs that I have.

Trying to pull me together when my depression is really bad. The hospital visits when my anxiety brings physical symptoms and that I am sure are a heart attack.

These are only the things I realise off the top of my head are things that a partner wouldn't need to do if I weren't ill. There are probably 1000 things we do that I believer are normal when they aren't.

Please will people stop giving OP a rough time.

MTWTFSS · 17/04/2017 10:55

I do not think you have posted to gain approval from us. I believe you have posted because you are actually resentful/angry at your DH and have not admitted it to yourself.

Hulder · 17/04/2017 10:57

PIP is yours (actually your DH's) to spend how you want.

For some people a big holiday is going to help their depression, for others a big holiday will be stressful.

What I would bear in mind is that his mental health problem is for life, you have only been awarded PIP for 1 year and you have no guarantee he will get it again.

So there are probably a lot more sensible but boring ways to spend the money such as savings in case he doesn't manage to stay in work or is off sick again or long term counselling to help him stay well. £4k would buy a lot of mental health support for both you and him when a holiday was just a distant memory.

peachgreen · 17/04/2017 10:58

Good grief. Yes YABU. PIP is to support someone with the costs associated with long-term ill-health or disability, not to blow on a 40th birthday. If your husband feels a holiday will be of help to his recovery then absolutely, go on holiday. But don't do it because you feel you're owed for fulfilling your marriage vows.

Nobody is saying that being a carer is easy, or that you should live like a martyr, but spending £4k designed to make your husband's life easier on a holiday because you don't feel you had enough of a fuss made of you over your birthday is financially irresponsible at best and selfish at worst.

NotMyPenguin · 17/04/2017 10:59

What does your DH want?

WeAllHaveWings · 17/04/2017 11:00

Personally Id bank and save for the rainy days you'll probably need it for in the future if/when he relapses. But I'll admit I am very risk adverse.

If you, and your dh are less risk adverse and have sufficient savings to support you for a relapse, what does he think about a long haul holiday? If he cant/doesn't want to go, that is your answer.

VladmirsPoutine · 17/04/2017 11:00

I don't think the money should be spent on a far flung jolly.
You never know what might happen in the future - if anything you should keep it aside.

The welfare state astonishes me!

Fairenuff · 17/04/2017 11:01

fairy PIP has nothing to do with working or not working. So whether the OH can go back to work is irrelevant.

I know but if he can't work they might find the money helpful to pay for little treats that they otherwise might not be able to afford.

Dumbo how is OP getting a rough time? People have been very helpful imo with thoughtful points of view.

EweAreHere · 17/04/2017 11:03

Have you talked to your DH about a holiday, OP? It might be nice for you both to get away for a holiday... but you needn't spend the whole £4k in one go. Plenty of inexpensive get aways if you plan well and don't go during school break times. is that an option?

monkeywithacowface · 17/04/2017 11:06

To be honest I think the money would be better spent on therapy or treatment that can help your DH in the long term. It's really up to your DH though, he may prefer to save it in case of relapse.

I don't underestimate how hard it has been for you but PIP isn't for you to reward yourself with tbh

ohtheholidays · 17/04/2017 11:09

Have you asked your DH what he thinks?

If he would like a holiday as well, like PP have suggested I'd go for something less expensive and maybe less stressful for you both and keep the rest of the money in a high interest savings account that way you both still get a lovely holiday and you have money to fall back on if you ever need it, and if you don't after a few years then you'll have money left for another lovely treat for you both.

I know it's really hard looking after someone you love when depression has taken hold of they're lifes.I've been the one doing the careing and then years later I was the one who had to be cared for(I suffered with depression after I became disabled)and I can honestly say neither sides of the coin are anywhere that I want to ever be again.

Asmoto · 17/04/2017 11:09

I think the 40th birthday thing is a bit of a red herring. If you move in circles where people spend in the thousands celebrating a 40th, they are the exception rather than the rule. You can have a lovely anniversary celebration for a much more reasonable amount, and save the PIP money for when it might really be needed.

Dumbo412 · 17/04/2017 11:11

fairenuff
I've read a few peoples replies as not very nice, people seem to think that OP resents her husband, i may have misconstrued some of the replies, but I don't think it's fair that people seem to be saying that she seems to resent her husband .

Sallystyle · 17/04/2017 11:11

I think your attitude is horrible.

I say that as someone who is in a similar position as you are, my husband is very unwell. I have had to support my husband through some awful times and I will do until the day one of us dies. I do not need compensating or rewards for the times that his illness has caused us a hardship. I married him knowing he was unwell, if I end up resenting him and feel like I need some reward for having a husband with a MH illness I will leave.

If he wants to go on holiday with the money then fine. It's his money and his decision. But to think you should use that money for a holiday because you deserve a reward for caring for him is pretty horrible, and trust me, I know the strain you have been under all too well.

LovelyBath77 · 17/04/2017 11:13

Take care, not sure if this has been mentioned already, but PIP tends to reassess a year in advance. So if it is only for a year, they may well reassess immediately. For example if they say the end date is 2018 it will be reassessed in 2017.

augustusglupe · 17/04/2017 11:13

£4000 can go very quickly on a holiday, if I were you I would save it for a rainy day, or at least don't rush into spending it.
OP a fair few of my birthdays have been surrounded by not ideal situations, my worst being that my mum died on my 36th...but never in the last 16 years have I thought that my birthday was ruined or that I needed a big 'do' to make up for it!! I mean really!!??
For my 40th, me and DH went to a Spa and had a lovely time, for a fraction of that 4 grand!! Having said that I'm not a 'big party' type so each to there own. In my experience you'd be pushing it to plan a big long haul holiday to a nice hotel on 4K anyway.

LovelyBath77 · 17/04/2017 11:16

Also it's not your PIP it is your husband's. I get PIP also for MH and physical and we use it for extra health costs which does include things like exercise classes and supplements mentioned in my care plan to help with my condition. The last think i would have wanted when very ill would be the stress of going off on a big trip. coupled with spending the PIP needed for other stuff. and being away from my MH team support. Bit if that is what HE really wants I guess it is up to you. Would have thought it might be better to get ready for forthcoming reassessment, they are very prompt in taking you off it by the way.

LineysRun · 17/04/2017 11:21

PizzaPower I hope you manage to have a wonderful holiday with your family and build some good memories for your DS.

Sallystyle · 17/04/2017 11:22

I've read a few peoples replies as not very nice, people seem to think that OP resents her husband, i may have misconstrued some of the replies, but I don't think it's fair that people seem to be saying that she seems to resent her husband .

That isn't unkind. It does sound like she might resent him, or the situation. That's perfectly understandable actually. It's bloody hard work at times.

I know if I ever get to the stage where I want to spend his PIP on a holiday to reward me for all my hard work then our marriage is in trouble.

Wanting a holiday because you are stressed and need a break is one thing. To think you should spend your husband's money on a holiday because you think you deserve a reward for the hard work you have put in and because you missed a birthday is not a very healthy attitude and I think that needs exploring.

Babyroobs · 17/04/2017 11:22

There seems to be a lot of threads on disability benefits on MN recently ! Also I have never heard of PIP being awarded just for a year.
I would be inclined to save it as a safety net for if your dh or both of you may not be able to work in the future because of his illness.
Non means tested benefits like pIp are a safety net to cover the extra day to day expenses that a disability brings, yet time and time again I see pensioners whose DLA/ attendance allowance / pip has been saved in the bank untouched for years on end.
However no-one checks up on what it is used for so if you want to spend it on a holiday, go ahead.

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