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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think you can't ask for a gift back?

129 replies

chipsnmayo · 17/04/2017 09:12

So many years ago I had a fairly close friend, we were colleagues and then became quite close due to similar interests and circumstances (we were both single parent's and lived away from family). My friend was quite talented artistically, and when my DD was a little she made my DD a beautiful dolls cot as a gift for her (I think) 3rd birthday.

12 years ago I then relocated 200 miles from where we both lived, and as time went on we slowly lost touch and I haven't talked to her / seen her in about a decade.

Anyhoo we have been friends on Facebook for a few months now. She sent me a message last night asking for the dolls cot back and could it be delivered to her address. (I don't even know where she lived anymore)

DD is nearly 19 so obviously doesn't use the dolls cot anymore, however she loved it and I think she would be quite sad to see it go.

But also it's the principle, surely you cannot turn around after umpteen years and ask for a gift back? As far as I remember, there was nothing said about her wanting it back and when I left she could have easily asked for it back.

Aibu to just ignore the message? Or would you do the right thing and give it back?

OP posts:
Trifleorbust · 17/04/2017 17:44

AppleOfMyEye10:

If I thought the reason was good I would ask DD how she felt about giving it back, and relay back whatever she decided.

Kerberos · 17/04/2017 19:15

*Why on earth should OP do that, Kerberos? It was a gift. confused

Really, I would love to know your reasoning*

From way up thread (sorry) @airyfairymary - I meant the OP should be prepared for her daughter to not be bothered about giving it back. My 19 year old self would not have been bothered about a toy I had outgrown some 10 years previously. I'd be wondering why on earth we still had it. Defo wouldn't be looking forward to my own children using it.

LadyandTramp · 17/04/2017 19:29

One word.. "why?" .. then wait for her to elaborate..

GloriousGoosebumps · 17/04/2017 19:59

Presumably you brought her children presents so I'd respond by saying that I'd never heard of anyone asking for the return of a present and asking why she wanted it back. I'd also ask whether her request meant that she'd be returning the presents you'd brought her children. I'd add one of those passive aggressive smiling emoji for good measure!

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 17/04/2017 20:24

DH (aged 42) still resents giving away his LEGO and a Richard Scarry book (that he's rebought for DD).

Huldra · 17/04/2017 21:10

Bonkers. Why would someone think that someone would still have a gift from 16 years ago. If you give a gift to a 3 year old, 16 years ago, by now its probably broken or been handed on. If it's been kept and in once piece, clearly they still love it.

Who does she think is paying for the postage, not that it's really relevant but I'm curious.

I would ignore her request because it's so daft. If she asks again then innocently ask - what the cot you gave my 3 year old as a present 16 years ago?

TheRealPooTroll · 17/04/2017 21:21

A bit weird for her to up and ask for it back without an explanation. What did the message actually say? Did it sound arsey?
Ans is your dd actually still attached to her broken old cot or is it just that you are annoyed at the cheek of your friend asking for it? I would want rid of it personally and would consider it saving me a trip to the tip. Ask your dd - it's hers so it's her choice.

Giraffey1 · 17/04/2017 21:32

That is seriously odd. I'd just ignore the request. You don't go asking for gifts to be returned, never. Ind one which was given so many years ago!

Stormwhale · 18/04/2017 07:34

Have you replied yet op? I'm really curious as to what on earth she would say!

Daytona79 · 18/04/2017 07:45

I would just say you don't know what happened to it

WellyMummy · 18/04/2017 07:49

I'm bemused by those suggesting that you lie about it.

I would reply. I might include how suprised you are by her request and ask why. I would definitely include that it's not mine to return, that I would pass on her request to your daughter but that she's unlikely to agree as she was so very fond of it and you suspect she now views it as a treasured part of her childhood that she will want to keep for her children. It's a kind way of suggesting No but also complementing her gift.

WellyMummy · 18/04/2017 07:51

I'm bemused by those suggesting that you lie about it.

I would reply. I might include how suprised you are by her request and ask why. I would definitely include that it's not mine to return, that I would pass on her request to your daughter but that she's unlikely to agree as she was so very fond of it and you suspect she now views it as a treasured part of her childhood that she will want to keep for her children. It's a kind way of suggesting No but also complementing her gift.

claraschu · 18/04/2017 08:01

I am also completely baffled by people suggesting you lie. Why on earth would you lie?

I think handmade works of art are different from gifts you can buy anywhere. I don't think there is anything wrong with saying: "If you are no longer using my handmade gift, and don't particularly want it but feel bad throwing it out, I would love to give it to another friend who has a child that would love it." It depends how the request is phrased (and I know that the OP didn't get a request phrased like this).

If I were you OP, I would answer her and say how much my daughter still values the cradle.

MackerelOfFact · 18/04/2017 08:08

I'd think I'd claim that it fell apart and got binned years ago! Blush

Gabilan · 18/04/2017 08:23

I am also completely baffled by people suggesting you lie. Why on earth would you lie?

Likewise. It's not hard to say "it's my daughter's. She's away at the moment, I'll ask when she gets back". Yes, it's an odd request but I can see where she might be coming from. My dad's an artist and despite selling images on, there's a sense in which they're still his, as he created them. So if he thought one might be up for sale or worse be about to be binned, he'd want first dibs. It's his creation, even if legally ownership has passed elsewhere.

expatinscotland · 18/04/2017 08:51

'My dad's an artist and despite selling images on, there's a sense in which they're still his, as he created them. So if he thought one might be up for sale or worse be about to be binned, he'd want first dibs. It's his creation, even if legally ownership has passed elsewhere.'

Then he shouldn't be selling his art for profit. 'First dibs', on something people bought from him after he made it and put it for sale? That's rather unpleasant to even expect.

Well, OP, what have you told her?

My response would be, 'I don't have it anymore,' and unfriend. She's cray cray.

LonginesPrime · 18/04/2017 09:53

Since she gave it to your DD, it's your DD she needs to ask if she wants it back.

Weird.

MatildaTheCat · 18/04/2017 10:08

Ask her why. Could she be pissed off with you for not maintaining contact and sees that cot as a really valuable item in terms of the effort she made in making it and presenting it to your dd?

She is being weird but on the other hand maybe you could end up rekindling your old friendship. I wouldn't give it back though. We've kept loads of DC's toys to be used by future generations.

trixymalixy · 18/04/2017 10:45

She's bonkers. I'd love to know why she wants it back.

PenelopeFlintstone · 18/04/2017 12:12

Following, because I want to know what happens.

Longji · 18/04/2017 12:26

It may be that it's more sentimental to you than your DD. If she messages DD directly and asks for it back and DD has no problem with it, would that be ok with you?
I totally understand you not wanting to give it back and think it's a lovely idea to keep it for your grandchildren but 19 year old me would never have considered that.

TeacupsAndDaffodils · 18/04/2017 12:34

Message her and say your Dd is away and you will ask her on her return. It's seems from your posts that you want to keep it anyway whether your Dd wants to keep it or not. If it's just thrown in the attic gathering dust, I don't see why you would keep it tbh.

WetPaint4 · 18/04/2017 12:37

Very strange request. Part of me would want to be spiteful and tell her no just for the cheek of asking in that way. But I'm not actually like that so I'd check with my daughter first. What will you do if your daughter shrugs her shoulders and isn't bothered? It is her gift but it will hold sentimental value for you too. I think if your daughter's not too fussed but you are, you should still keep it. I'm sure your daughter would rather you held onto it rather than give it away, depending on why your friend is after it. Whatever happens though, it shouldn't be going anywhere at your expense.

I don't throw anything away. She'd be fresh outta luck with me Grin

TeacupsAndDaffodils · 18/04/2017 12:37

I think it depends which you value more -your friendship or the cot. If you refuse to give the cot back to her, she is likely to be p'd off with you and not to continue the friendship.

Aeroflotgirl · 18/04/2017 12:44

A gift is a gift, and you don't just ask for it back, tell her no sorry, you made it as a gift for dd, and we don't have it anymore.

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