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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think you can't ask for a gift back?

129 replies

chipsnmayo · 17/04/2017 09:12

So many years ago I had a fairly close friend, we were colleagues and then became quite close due to similar interests and circumstances (we were both single parent's and lived away from family). My friend was quite talented artistically, and when my DD was a little she made my DD a beautiful dolls cot as a gift for her (I think) 3rd birthday.

12 years ago I then relocated 200 miles from where we both lived, and as time went on we slowly lost touch and I haven't talked to her / seen her in about a decade.

Anyhoo we have been friends on Facebook for a few months now. She sent me a message last night asking for the dolls cot back and could it be delivered to her address. (I don't even know where she lived anymore)

DD is nearly 19 so obviously doesn't use the dolls cot anymore, however she loved it and I think she would be quite sad to see it go.

But also it's the principle, surely you cannot turn around after umpteen years and ask for a gift back? As far as I remember, there was nothing said about her wanting it back and when I left she could have easily asked for it back.

Aibu to just ignore the message? Or would you do the right thing and give it back?

OP posts:
NoSherryForMe · 17/04/2017 10:02

I'd just be honest - say it's not yours to return but if there's a reason she really wants it back that you'll ask your DD how she feels. It does seem a very odd request.

Oldraver · 17/04/2017 10:05

I would message her...That's a really strange thing to ask, DD is now 19. Why do you want it back ?"

heebiejeebie · 17/04/2017 10:06

I think the nicest response would be to tell her that it was such a fantastic and much-loved gift that it remains important to your daughter and that she would probably be very sad to give it up. Why on earth are people suggesting that you be unkind and dishonest and say that it is lost in a distant corner of the attic or chucked away years ago?

Maybe she assumes it no longer has value to your daughter and so has another child in mind who would love and play with it. She may be delighted to hear it is still loved.

Sulis87 · 17/04/2017 10:15

If it was me, I would probably say, "Lovely to hear from you! DD has always loved the cot and is planning to pass it on to her own children one day. Is there a special reason why you wanted it back?"

Kerberos · 17/04/2017 10:20

Seems like an odd request. I wonder if she's now got a new grandchild on the way and this is a very poorly worded request to see if you'd be willing to give it back.

If she was as good a friend as you think then I'd be tempted to give her a call to find out what's behind it (and always nice to have a catch up).

Does strike me as unusual that your 19 year old would want to retain it though. Dolls cots feel like something that would have been grown out of 10 years or more ago. Check how she feels but be prepared for her to be happy for it to be returned.

Would also point out that old friend should pay for the carriage if it's a distance away and you agree to give it to her.

Ginkypig · 17/04/2017 10:26

I would send a non committal message somthing like

I will ask dd but I'll warn you in advance she's very attached to it as it was one of greatly loved childhood things so I have a feeling she won't want to part with it.

Then you can say later, sorry dd didn't want to let it go it means too much to her.

airyfairymary · 17/04/2017 10:26

be prepared for her to be happy for it to be returned.

Why on earth should OP do that, Kerberos? It was a gift. Confused

Really, I would love to know your reasoning.

KirstyJC · 17/04/2017 10:28

I would reply for sure. I would say something like 'Wtf? Why are you really asking for a present back so many years later, that's really odd?!?! Are you OK?'

And see what she says.

CoraPirbright · 17/04/2017 10:28

If it was me, I would probably say, "Lovely to hear from you! DD has always loved the cot and is planning to pass it on to her own children one day. Is there a special reason why you wanted it back?"

I would use what Sulis suggests and then also add the final sentence "dd and I never dreamt she would have to return something that was a gift".

Carollocking · 17/04/2017 10:29

Just say you no longer have it end of story

Justmadeperfectflapjacks · 17/04/2017 10:30

I would tell her to f off for the sheer cheek whether dd wanted to keep it or not!!
Tell her it went the charity shop years ago. .

HeteronormativeHaybales · 17/04/2017 10:31

What Sulis87 said, though I would add 'it was a wonderful gift' into the sentence about dd always having loved the cot, to make very clear that your understanding is that it was a gift (and she is therefore being rather crass in asking for it back as if it had been a loan).

HmmOkay · 17/04/2017 10:32

Could you message her: "You mean the cot you gave her as a present for her 3rd birthday? That cot?"

And see what she says. Maybe in her mind she thought she'd loaned it to you (16 years ago!).

I agree that it isn't yours to give away (note not "return" because gifts are not given in the expectation that they are returned).

Emmageddon · 17/04/2017 10:36

I'd go with 'wtf? you want to reclaim a gift you gave my DD SIXTEEN years ago? are you okay? you can't be serious!' then defriend her and forget all about it.

AuntMabel · 17/04/2017 10:39

I'd go with what Emmageddon said!

No is a complete sentence. It was a gift.

NormaSmuff · 17/04/2017 10:39

ask her why
i dont spose your dd really needs it any more
is it for her portfolio?
did she carry the art on?

FrangiePangie · 17/04/2017 10:40

Sulis and Cora have the right advice IMO.

Mulberry72 · 17/04/2017 10:47

I would explain that as it is a much loved gift that DD got hours of pleasure from as a child, she's planning to pass it down to her own children and so will not be returning it.

Very weird to ask for a gift back after all these years! My DGM used to call asking for a gift back "Indian giving" don't know why?!

supersop60 · 17/04/2017 10:49

I agree with sulis and cora. Be honest, and say no, if that's what you want to say.

Elledouble · 17/04/2017 10:56

Say no. That's peculiar.

Rudi44 · 17/04/2017 10:57

I would say 'oh, I am sorry, we assumed it was a gift and not a loan' . What a very strange message.

RebelRogue · 17/04/2017 11:02

Just ask DD . You think she might be sad,but odds are she hasn't given it a second thought. If DD is ok with returning it then do so. If she isn't, just reply she is still very attached to it and would like to keep it and see what friend says.

Religionorno · 17/04/2017 11:05

Say no, it was a gift, dd will not be returning it! How weird!

EmpressOfTheSpartacusOceans · 17/04/2017 11:07

Why are so many posters suggesting the OP lies?

I think that any of the replies about how attached DD still is to her 3rd birthday present would be fine. You could even send a photo of DD holding the cot.

If in her head the friend is still seeing the cot as pristine, she might have a bit of a shock at seeing it as it is 16 years later and realise it won't do for whatever she had in mind after all.

EweAreHere · 17/04/2017 11:08

Very odd request.

I would just say, Sorry, but the cot belongs to my daughter. It's not mine to give.