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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think you can't ask for a gift back?

129 replies

chipsnmayo · 17/04/2017 09:12

So many years ago I had a fairly close friend, we were colleagues and then became quite close due to similar interests and circumstances (we were both single parent's and lived away from family). My friend was quite talented artistically, and when my DD was a little she made my DD a beautiful dolls cot as a gift for her (I think) 3rd birthday.

12 years ago I then relocated 200 miles from where we both lived, and as time went on we slowly lost touch and I haven't talked to her / seen her in about a decade.

Anyhoo we have been friends on Facebook for a few months now. She sent me a message last night asking for the dolls cot back and could it be delivered to her address. (I don't even know where she lived anymore)

DD is nearly 19 so obviously doesn't use the dolls cot anymore, however she loved it and I think she would be quite sad to see it go.

But also it's the principle, surely you cannot turn around after umpteen years and ask for a gift back? As far as I remember, there was nothing said about her wanting it back and when I left she could have easily asked for it back.

Aibu to just ignore the message? Or would you do the right thing and give it back?

OP posts:
WooWooSister · 17/04/2017 11:15

It's an odd request. Before you speak to your DD actually clarify what your former friend means eg I'm confused. Do you mean you want us to return the present you gave DD for her third birthday? Then let her explain why on earth she thinks that is appropriate. It sounds as though she didn't consider it a gift but a loan and if you frame the question around it being a gift, that gives her the opportunity to clarify.

Fanciedachange17 · 17/04/2017 11:16

Gosh that's unusual. A gift is not a loan but just to clarify I checked out Robert Rinder's book on borrowing. He is talking about loaning money but you could stretch it to a cot made for a 3 year old daughter of a friend. This answers the "is this the right thing to do" part of you post.

If there was never any intention to take the matter to court in the event things went wrong then in law there was not "an intention to create legal relations" therefore there is no contract and the loan is unenforceable.

FWIW I would message her back simply with "why?" and see what she says. If she gets arsy then de-friend her. See if she comes up with a good explanation to request a gift back from a child.

StuffYouAllInTheCrust · 17/04/2017 11:16

What Ewe said. Only I'd add 'and I'm not about to ask her to return a gift she's had since she was a child.'

What a very odd request!

WeAreEternal · 17/04/2017 11:17

I would ignore, she is clearly deranged.

Who asks for a gift back after 16 years!

Crumbelina · 17/04/2017 11:24

I'd definitely say that you gave it away years ago as the matter will stop there.

If you say that your DD still has it, it's not yours to give back, why does she want it etc. ... then it invites further communication on the matter and she might keep pushing.

It's a ridiculous request!

Original poster
chipsnmayo · 17/04/2017 11:25

Ah, I new I could count on mn for some funny good replies.

Back when I knew her, she just did that sort of thing as a bit of a hobby, nothing serious.

I am just a bemused as you are, I haven't seen her in over a decade. And as far as I know she hasn't got any grandchildren...

So I think I will ask why, and we haven't been friends for years so I've got nothing to loose.

OP posts:
WeAreEternal · 17/04/2017 11:28

I would ask why,
buy I'd start the message with "do you mean the dolls cot that you made as a birthday gift for DD over 16 years ago?...."

NormaSmuff · 17/04/2017 11:29

jsut tell her you will check with your dd and then ignore leave it

NormaSmuff · 17/04/2017 11:29

hope she goes away

AtrociousCircumstance · 17/04/2017 11:31

I think she's been ruminating on your friendship and is resentful about something.

Which led to her thinking, "and I put so much time and effort into making that beautiful cot for her DD!"

I reckon she feels let down in some way and is lashing out in this passive aggressive way. Feels she gave too much and received too little emotionally/practically, or something.

However it is your DD's and it was a gift and it is nuts to ask for it back! So you are totally entitled to say, er, no...!

I just reckon she's got a bee in her bonnet about sometime you probably couldn't even hazard a guess at.

Chinnygirl · 17/04/2017 11:37

Since your daughter isnow an adult it is not your posession anymore, it's hers. Don't ask your daughter about it, just email your friend that you don't have it anymore but you certainly remember all the fun times dd played with it. By the way why do you ask for your gift back? Is there a GC on the way? And then ignore

cathf · 17/04/2017 11:42

Are people really as rude in real life as they purport to be on MN?
Why on earth would you respond to this request with WTF? Or unfriend this old friend?
Do any of the pps suggesting such rude and aggressive replies have any interaction with real people or this just an online persona they have created for themselves?

VioletLips · 17/04/2017 11:51

This is something MIL would do. You think she's actually given you something, then a few years later she asks for it back!

I'm on the fence with this though. Perhaps she's just worded her message in a way she didn't mean to. Perhaps it was a late night musing and as it was one of her first pieces it might mean a lot to her? Maybe? Perhaps she imagines it's sitting, unloved, in your attic and she has someone who would love it as much as your dd did?

I wouldn't lie or be rude in your message I would just say as others have suggested, tell her that she did such a good job of the cot that it was one of your dd favourite gifts and she remembers having it as a gift for her 3rd Birthday. It's something she has kept, along with some other keepsakes, to pass on to her own dc in the future.

VictoriaPollardMD · 17/04/2017 11:53

I think she's been ruminating on your friendship and is resentful about something.

This. Or, seeing how much second hand ones can go for online wants a piece of the action.

RaeSkywalker · 17/04/2017 13:28

I think Atrocious had it spot on here.

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 17/04/2017 13:39

Of course you don't need to return it, that was be daft to even consider it. I'd be curious as to what the reason is so I'd message back "what, the cot you gave her as a present for her 3rd birthday?" and nothing else.

Do you want to stay friends with her?

LadyPW · 17/04/2017 13:40

Could you message her: "You mean the cot you gave her as a present for her 3rd birthday? That cot?"
This ^ if you want to be polite. But I'd ignore it (and hope she sent another message to make me laugh!). She expects you to be responsible for sending it too?! Wow. I'm now wondering what presents I've given over the years that I could request back...

Aderyn2016 · 17/04/2017 13:42

Whatever you do, don't pressure your dd into giving it away. My mum persuaded me to give something to a relative and I regret it - it was mine.
Some people are funny about this stuff and think of gifts as like a long term loan that they are free to reclaim at some distant point in the future, but you shouldn't indulge their craziness, certainly not with your dd's possesions!

blueskyinmarch · 17/04/2017 13:47

What a very odd request. I think asking her why she wants it is a good idea. I look forward to hearing her response.

Softkitty2 · 17/04/2017 14:54

Say you don't have it anymore? 😀

Trifleorbust · 17/04/2017 14:59

How very, very strange. I would just say, "Is there any particular reason you want it back after all this time? I'm sure she would prefer to hold on to it, she really loved it." Hopefully she would leave it there.

AppleOfMyEye10 · 17/04/2017 15:00

I wouldn't ask her why, what if she gave you a very good reason and your Dd doesn't want to part with it? Then you have a real dilemma. I would just say you gave it away and leave it at that.

MadamePomfrey · 17/04/2017 15:03

Do ask why not because it makes any difference to the situation but I'm curious now and what like to know why she wants it Wink. Ultimately it's up to you DD if she wants to part with it out not but if she does don't get stuck with the bill for sending the thing!!

babybubblescomingsoon · 17/04/2017 15:03

That's really odd. But as you say, nothing to lose in just asking her, hopefully she has a good reason...

RortyCrankle · 17/04/2017 15:43

This sounds bonkers - ask her if she also wants you to return the bubble bath she bought you as a Christmas present in 1997? Grin

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