AIBU to ask what is bad behaviour in children?

[Floods123]

I am male, and first post. Pleas be gentle! I am with a wonderful lady who has three grandchildren. They stay with us and I try to have fun with them and frankly work hard to do the right thing.

However tension us caused when in my eyes they misbehave. For example: 6 year old has a crying fit when told to wear wellies instead of shoes to the park. Partner engaging in discussion and a compromise is reached. (Boring won't go into it!) Lots cuddles and never mind stuff.

In my eyes this is very naughty. Adult tells you what to do. You do it. Not up for debate. Crying fit and discussion is wrong and should be punished not talked about and compromised upon. Otherwise this happens whenever child does not get one way.

These episodes spoil the visits and cause problems. Really trying but can't cope with this behaviour.

YABU. A 6 year old will cry for lots of reasons it doesn't mean that they're 'very naughty'. I think your partner is right to try to teach about compromise, life is a lot like that. Obviously there are times where children do have to do as they're told for lots of reasons but there are times that you can afford to pick your battles.

The I'm an adult, you're a child is a bit Matilda-esq i.e. 'I'm big, you're little, I'm right, you're wrong'. Not always the case.

Janeofalltrades1:

I have no desire to raise a puppet. The reality is that a 5 or 6 year old won't always recognise that something is a matter of safety or hygiene. As my DD's mother I will sometimes need her to do what I say without arguing/debating/explanation. I am perfectly happy explaining to her that there will be times when I won't tell her why and she needs to do as I say regardless. As she gets older she will understand why.

This child-centric nonsense seems like a long-winded, flawed way of trying to achieve what I am confident I will achieve anyway: raising a child who knows their own mind but understands that there is a time and place for them to exercise their judgement.

My DS has ASD. He had lots of meltdowns when he was little and the older generation would often tell me I should give him a slap etc when we were out and about. Wellies were a huge thing for him (a sensory issue) but even now (age 9) he has difficulty expressing exactly why he hates them. When he was 5 it would just result in screaming and crying, he would react like a cornered animal.

People who believe that all problems are solved by simply telling children to do what you tell them and punishing them if they don't made what was at the time a very miserable period in life just that little extra bit more miserable. I never understood why people couldn't just mind their own business and look the other way.

I would butt out. They're not your kids. Even if they have no undiagnosed special needs that your partner doesn't know about, she has to look after them in the way that her DC would expect. If it annoys you then arrange to do something else when they come over.

If children are "attention seeking" they may need - attention. Often it's because they feel unsettled about something else (eg being away from home, being with someone unfamiliar...) and need to let the feelings out somehow.

If they are, as you say, usually fairly good it looks like your partner and the family in general have the right balance.

Some of the things people are discussing here are to do with parenting decisions. OP's job is to back the DGM, who hopefully is backing the parents (perhaps with a little GP leniency thrown in!) and help the child feel secure and confident in his presence.

You can think it's wrong all you like, but that's not your role in this situation.

Or we are in danger of creating a generation of 'people' not sheeple?

Trifleorbust I think we're getting out of topic so I will just leave it at that. Or that we'll just agree to disagree

No one seems to be saying they 'give in' to their special snowflake entitled spoilt crying children but we do not demand 'because I said so' and will offer an explanation to a child, use reasoning and reach compromise.

If any of you have jobs where your boss cannot do any of these things and you are trapped in a dominating work environment where you are given instructions/demands with no explanations, no comprises or respect then you need new jobs. Because jobs do not work on this basis of just 'doing as you are told' no more than childhood should be. It's isn't teaching a child anything valuable about real life in a work environment to not have these skills or conversations so this argument never makes any sense to me.

Teaching children that their emotions are irritating and annoying is not very healthy.

OP is talking about a 6 year old who has been told by his mother (before she left him/her with Grandparents) NOT to wear trainers to the park.

Mum leaves and child has a tantrum with Grandmother because they want to wear the trainers.

Grandmother is all 'dear dear, never mind' ...

The child is six not three and is trying it on with Grandma.

Always explain WHY when you say no & give children a choice when it comes to little things but pandering to trantrums from a six year old who has the wrong colour plate is ridiculous.

YANBU OP.

'Nope, you're not the boss of them. Do you want a blind automaton? No thanks. Children have thoughts and feelings of their own, and their brains work differently to adults. You, and they, are in for a tough run if you persist in that attitude.'

'But I'd honestly be pretty shocked at a parent taking the sort of hardline approach you seem to be advocating, let alone the problems with an unnuanced 'adult tells you what to do, you do it' approach.

Six is little. They're away from their home, and possibly unsettled. They get hung up on something like shoes/wellies and get emotional. That is not 'very naughty'. That is normal.

You need to respect that it isn't your decision how to react when the children aren't immediately compliant with your ideal of how children should behave, and hopefully reduce the stress you feel somewhat by recognising it is out of your hands.'

These^ It sounds like you know very little about children in general, their brains, behaviour, development etc, let alone these specific children. Emotions/crying are not 'naughty'. They just are what they are. It's probably not about the wellies.

By all means chat to your partner in her own time, do some research and educate yourself, but I'd stay out of the parenting if I were you.

I think it's perfectly fine not to 'give in' to these little incidents as long as you do it in a sensible way.

For that situation with my dc I would say "fine, wear your shoes, but you can't go into muddy/wet places at the park"
And then stick to it.
They learn much quicker like that, and usually end up doing what you wanted the next time even if not the first time.

I hardly think my children are 'generation snowflake' Gianna. They're actually pretty great kids who'll behave well, offer their seats to older people on trains, use manners, share and practise what adults would consider 'good kid behaviour' at leafs 90% of the time. They've come to the realisation (at 11 and 6) that doing the right thing feels good and elicits better responses from those around them than doing the wrong thing.

They are innately kind, work hard at school, have friends, attend clubs and sports activities, help around the house when asked and rarely behave like dicks. Because instead of shouting "because I said so" at them I've invested time modelling the behaviour I want to see, rewarding the behaviour I want to see and teaching them that when they do screw up, there's a better choice for next time.

Hardly snowflakes. But if you want to shout "I'm the adult and I say so" at children carry on. It's had such a great impact on so many lives so far.

It's impossible to know without knowing the child whether the crying fit is a deliberate attempt to get their way (yes, 6yos can do this) or a simple case of a child failing to control their emotions over something that seemed very big in their world.

I have known grown women burst into tears over things that to me seemed completely unimportant, not because they were manipulative and sly, but either because those things mattered more to them than to me or because they were tired or upset about something else at the time.

Maybe Grandma is wrong to give in. But it is absolutely not for the OP to say so.

And the attitude that crying is categorically "wrong and should be punished" stinks. What do you do, OP, if your new partner is upset over something and bursts into tears? Should she be punished too? Or is there a cut-off age when you are allowed to cry without retribution?

Not sure if YABU or YANBU 🤔
Hmm, I can see where you are coming from OP. I'd listen to my DCs optinions on things but no chance was I going to get into a debate every time I asked them to do something. That sounds tiresome beyond belief. I wouldn't make up random rules for the sake of it though so if I asked my kids to do something I generally expect them to do it.
I'm not saying it always worked or that my kids were perfect etc, etc but generally it went well.

In the case of the wellies I would have expected a 6 year old to just wear what she was told if that's what her mother had specifically said. I think the debating and the 'oh dear'ing' makes the whole thing drawn out and more of an issue than it merits.