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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to ask what is bad behaviour in children?

115 replies

Floods123 · 16/04/2017 21:46

I am male, and first post. Pleas be gentle! I am with a wonderful lady who has three grandchildren. They stay with us and I try to have fun with them and frankly work hard to do the right thing.

However tension us caused when in my eyes they misbehave. For example: 6 year old has a crying fit when told to wear wellies instead of shoes to the park. Partner engaging in discussion and a compromise is reached. (Boring won't go into it!) Lots cuddles and never mind stuff.

In my eyes this is very naughty. Adult tells you what to do. You do it. Not up for debate. Crying fit and discussion is wrong and should be punished not talked about and compromised upon. Otherwise this happens whenever child does not get one way.

These episodes spoil the visits and cause problems. Really trying but can't cope with this behaviour.

OP posts:

Illstartexercisingtomorrow · 16/04/2017 22:12

But over what shoes to wear / what seat to sit in in the car / what colour Plate to have is just an excuse for attention

It sounds like you are still stuck in another generation - the one where children weren't given the respect of having their own feelings and ideas.

Those things are important to a child. It's not like they have major things in their life that can be decided by them like adults do, so these seemingly small things are actually a pretty big deal when you see it from small eyes - it's not the plate or the seat or the shoe, it's an expression of autonomy and a desire to be heard and a such values as more than just another thing in the room.

Illstartexercisingtomorrow · 16/04/2017 22:15

Valued*

hennaoj · 16/04/2017 22:15

The wellies might be uncomfortable and certainly not easy to play in a park with. Your partner did the right thing, if you can't deal with this kind of behaviour then just stay away from children as it's perfectly normal and not 'naughty'.

mayaknew · 16/04/2017 22:16

Floods how would you handle the situation (s) if you were the grandparent? I know you are saying the tantrums should not be tolerated... but what would you actually do ?

It can be hard to be a grandparent when it's not your place to provide proper discipline but at the same time not wanting to undermine/contradict rules and boundaries applied by the parents. Sounds like your partner has found a nice balance.

Pigface1 · 16/04/2017 22:17

OP, I don't think you are 'wrong' exactly. Obviously there are some situations where you do have to insist on absolute, do-as-I-tell-you obedience. For instance - violence, running out into roads or stuffing fingers into plug sockets are not options, no matter how much a kid howls at you. But even then, you have to explain why you're insisting on absolute obedience, rather than saying 'because I'm an adult and I should be obeyed'.

BanginChoons · 16/04/2017 22:20

Floods, I'm glad you've come here and asked. It's great that you're interested in learning different perspectives and open to changing your approach.

228agreenend · 16/04/2017 22:21

How are the children generally. Ie. Do they generally behave? If so, I think you can excuse the odd tantrum which could be due to,tiredness, or because they are away from there parents.

Take,your partners lead. She knows the children better than you. So,e children respond to straight obedience, others need the more softly softly approach.

user1471558436 · 16/04/2017 22:22

I think it's always best to give them some choices. Tantrums are usually about something else and not really about wellies.

Miniwookie · 16/04/2017 22:22

Why not offer the child a choice on which seat/plate/shoes? You acknowledge that these are minor from an adult perspective, so why does the adult need to dictate them. Also, offer an explanation, choice. E.g. "Would you like to wear your wellies so that you can splash in the mud/puddles, if you wear your shoes you will need to stay on the path." Hold firm on things that are important to the adult.

PurpleMinionMummy · 16/04/2017 22:24

Children shouldn't just do something without question because an adult asked. What if an adult asks them to do something inappropriate? Children should be encouraged to have and vocalise their own thoughts and feelings, it takes a while for them learn how to do this appropriately. Unfortunately at 6 the vocalising can be somewhat loud or dramatic and wayyyy off point . Adults need to lead by example. Discussion helps everyone understand why x might be a better decision than y and a child who feels listened too and understood is more likely to accept this without further or escalating tantrums and learn how to vocalise their issues in an appropriate way in future. And you know what, sometimes adults are actually wrong or children have a very genuine reason behind why they want x. Take the welly example. It could be they don't fit and hurt the child's feet. A very genuine reason why they don't want to wear them but at a young age a child might not be to verbalise it particularly well so just announce they don't like their wellies. You waltz in and effectively tell them they must do as you say and you end up hurting the child's feet. It could all have been avoided if you'd taken the time to discuss why they didn't want to wear wellies.

Miniwookie · 16/04/2017 22:25

Also, walk away if you're feeling irritated and let your dp deal with the discipline as she sees fit.

Sweets101 · 16/04/2017 22:25

Stay out of it for everyone's sake

Letmesleepalready · 16/04/2017 22:25

Honestly I had your attitude when my eldest was born. Let's just say it's been a steep learning curve trying to work with the children instead of expecting them to do as I say. I was brought up that way so finding out my children don't just do what I say was/still is a shock to the system. But little by little, I'm learning to parent a "softer" way. I always admire parents who have more patience for small issues than me.

228agreenend · 16/04/2017 22:26

And in answer to your question, bad behaviour is being rude, continually being disobedient (not the odd example), throwing tantrums every five minutes because they are not getting what they want, not sharing toys etc,

Quartz2208 · 16/04/2017 22:26

I'm guessing you don't have children of your own and are stuck in the mindset of how child rearing was done in the 40s and 50s. Very much the seen not heard must follow the adult corporal punishment etc.

Times have changed the children's behaviour and your partners way of handling it is now the societal norm.

I think you need to be asking yourself why can't you cope.

EverybodysHappyNowadays · 16/04/2017 22:27

Floods My parents took your approach to parenting. I haven't spoken to one of them for 5 years and the other is dead. I don't miss them.

It sounds like I take a similar approach to your partner and I have a fantastic relationship with both of my children (18 and 11) and I don't have any reason to think that won't continue.

My children make far better choices than I ever did, and are far more independent than I ever was, because they have learned those skills. I was expected to blindly do as I was told and that was it. No explanation, no discussion, no opportunity for negotiation or compromise.

I understand what it looks like to you, but unless she is actually grandparenting 'ineffectively' then what she is doing is right.

ohidoliketobebesidethecoast · 16/04/2017 22:29

Attitudes to discipline have definitely bchanged in a generation. I had to obey, and was smacked, if I didn't, or was being slow, without a warning. I never smacked my children tho, and had to tell my mother that things had changed, and she could not smack my children. They still behaved...
As frustrating as you may find it, I think you should leave the discipline into your partner, and she may well be a bit soft with them compared to their parents! The parents would probably not welcome you firming up discipline, its for them to set the parenting style they want...
The only advice I'd offer would be to try to distract the DGCs from a battle rather than letting them get wound up, I.e. 'once those boots are on you can tell me what you'd like to do first at the park... Shall we go on the swings, or play with the ball? Can u manage or do you need a bit of help?'. But if that doesn't work, let their gran deal with it!

Original poster

Floods123 · 16/04/2017 22:29

They are pretty good in general. Just find it difficult to understand when I am trying hard why minor issues cause such a fuss! Wellies were not uncomfortable. Her mother had already told her not to wear the trainers to the park before she left them with us. She knew this.

OP posts:

Letmesleepalready · 16/04/2017 22:30

A couple of books I found interesting on this subject were "how to talk so kids will listen, and listen so kids will talk" and "calm parent, happy child"

SignOnTheWindow · 16/04/2017 22:34

^This! It teaches children consequences rather than blind obedience and gives them a sense of autonomy. It also makes life a whole lot less stressful...

When I get frustrated with my 7 year old about things that seem minor, I try (sometimes in vain) to remember that she actually has very little control over her own life and this is her way of trying to assert some of that control.

Without meaning to sound patronising, it's really fantastic that you are coming on a forum like this to ask for people's thoughts.

Good luck with the children!

Voice0fReason · 16/04/2017 22:35

You need to keep out of it until you are able to copy the same approach as your partner.
They are not your grandchildren so it is not your place to comment.
Your approach will increase conflict and really isn't reasonable when that's not the way they are being raised.

JassyRadlett · 16/04/2017 22:40

Just find it difficult to understand when I am trying hard why minor issues cause such a fuss!

Because they're not miniature adults. Kids' brains are different.

Mrsmadevans · 16/04/2017 22:43

yadbu and I think you should leave the wonderful lady to find someone who is equally wonderful with her darling grandchildren. What you have described is totally normal behaviour they are children not soldiers, I am sorry op you asked us to be gentle with you but you are not feeling very gentle to this lady's grandchildren are you?

onalongsabbatical · 16/04/2017 22:54

OP I've not read everyone's replies, no time, but just had to say - you say please be gentle - presumably because you feel vulnerable and sensitive and a bit out of your depth.
Well, imagine being tiny - and not having any idea how the world works, what's going on, even knowing what power actually is. So, with little ones, please be gentle, they have everything to learn, and they can only learn it from the adults around them. It's very encouraging that you're here asking the question. Take this as a massive opportunity to learn how to empathise, to learn patience, and to expand your repertoire of lovingness.

BunnyChickChocolateEgg · 16/04/2017 23:01

I think you should leave the wonderful lady to find someone who is equally wonderful with her darling grandchildren

There's no need to be that nasty! The poor man didn't say he's planning to beat the children, he just asked for advice :-/

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