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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To keep kids of school

144 replies

user1489094655 · 16/04/2017 18:13

Hi,
Me, do and dd5 and ds4 are going to Disney Paris in June. We are going in June because my dh has 2 weeks fixed hols from work so we are going the second week of his allocation.

We won't get fined but it is classes as an unauthorised absence so before we start the term we already know dd will get 'red' letter. (Ds is nursery so not included)

I have ocd and am an emetophobe so sick/ germs eto is very difficult for me to cope with and I find it difficult for the kids to go to school anyway.

Would it be OK to keep the kids off school for the week before as well because

  1. I would be scared they would pick something up from school and to be ill away from home is even worse.
  2. It would give dh more time to spend at home and in the garden with kids. Other than weekends, his next break is 16th October week ( again not school hols)
  3. Dd will still be on red for attendance missing one OR two weeks.

If we did this what would we tell school?

Thanks for reading

OP posts:
KitKat1985 · 16/04/2017 18:58

Sorry, I do really sympathise with your MH issues but keeping your DCs off school for a week before you go on holiday in case they pick up a bug is not okay.

longlostpal · 16/04/2017 18:59

TittyGolightly - that's not helpful. Yes, every interaction with your kids can be a teachable moment, I don't think that anyone would say otherwise. But there is something to be said for actually learning how to read and do sums, not to mention adhering to a stable regime even if your parents have occasional MH-related wobbles.

EineKleine · 16/04/2017 19:00

Apart from the ethics, round here it used to be that you could take up to 5 days unauthorized before the fine kicked in. Not sure how it will shake out since the recent court case but there is a reasonable prospect that a week will avoid a fine but even a single day more than that gets you fined.

PPs are right, going on holiday is far more of a risk germwise than being at school.

TittyGolightly · 16/04/2017 19:02

But there is something to be said for actually learning how to read and do sums, not to mention adhering to a stable regime

There should evidence that the "regime" is extremely damaging for children, but whatever!

Pinkandwhiteblossoms · 16/04/2017 19:05

I can't pretend to understand.

How do you cope day in, day out? With pregnancy and with children's illnesses?

longlostpal · 16/04/2017 19:05

There should evidence that the "regime" is extremely damaging for children, but whatever!

You're talking bollocks. I've worked with deprived children in a school setting. Getting out of a difficult home life to a place that is warm, safe and dependable everyday is some kids' lifeline.

Whosthemummynow · 16/04/2017 19:06

There should evidence that the "regime" is extremely damaging for children, but whatever

Yet your kids still go to school.... Hmm

Gottagetmoving · 16/04/2017 19:06

I know on MN criticising anyone who has mental health issues is the worst crime ever....but....You can't inflict your fears onto your children especially when it affects their education.
When you ask what you should tell the school, You should tell them the truth. Tell them your fears about them catching something before you go away. However, be prepared for them to refuse a request for absence.

It does bother me that your fear of them 'catching something' only seems to apply to before you go away (so spoiling your holiday) but you don't fear the exposure to germs at DLP.

Starlight2345 · 16/04/2017 19:06

My EXh had OCD and one thing I learnt not facing the fears exacerbates it not helps.

You need to get yourself the help. You can't allow your children to suffer as a result of your MH issues.. I say this as someone who had to overcome Agraphobia for my DS.

I am usually the first to say take the time this does not seem like it will be helpful to your children or you. Spend some quality time with your DH .

LadyPW · 16/04/2017 19:08

It does bother me that your fear of them 'catching something' only seems to apply to before you go away (so spoiling your holiday) but you don't fear the exposure to germs at DLP.
This, with bells and whistles..... Hmm

TittyGolightly · 16/04/2017 19:10

Yet your kids still go to school....

Kid. And yes. It's been quite balanced so far though and I can undo the damage in the time out of school including term time hols . If that ever changes, she'll be out of there quick smart.

Pinkandwhiteblossoms · 16/04/2017 19:10

Indeed, Lady

Indeed.

Original poster
user1489094655 · 16/04/2017 19:12

I have had ocd all my adult life and am on medication. I have had therapy in the past.

Things have gotten worse for me since my dd started in reception.

I am shocked that everyone has been so outspoken and am in tears.

I booked the holiday when I was feeling strong which I now regret doing.

I shall make sure my children go to school the week before our hols.

The lack of sympathy and compassion from most of the repliers is shocking. I understand the points of view but there are ways of putting it and not putting.it.

Nobody knows what it's like to walk in someone's shoes what ever the issue. Mental health issues are debilitating and I wouldnt wish it on my worse enemy. Responses like these are why many people don't talk about mental health issues and their experiences.

OP posts:
pumpkinpilot · 16/04/2017 19:12

When I first read the post and didn't notice the ages of your children I thought this was definitely not a good idea to keep dd off school for an extra week.

However after seeing your dd is 5 I think this is absolutely fine. I imagine she is in reception and most of reception is play based learning and is mostly important for socialisation and getting used to school. If your dd is struggling at school then perhaps this is not the wisest choice of action.

GabsAlot · 16/04/2017 19:13

u do know they can catch things anywhere and eveywhere-even from u

anyway like u said what would u tell the school-they know youre going to dlp for a week what would u say u cant say theyre ill looks suspicious

wibblypig1 · 16/04/2017 19:15

This would cross my mind to do too, being a fellow emetophobe, however I don't think I'd follow it through. Children are very hardy and the likelihood of them picking something up is very small. My children have been in the same room as others when they've been sick and most of the time they haven't been ill themselves. You can do this and it will be fine.

My therapist used to make me chant "vomiting is not harmful and won't hurt me" whenever I had a moment. Also there's an emetophobia website that had exposure therapies on there and that helped me a little. You have my complete sympathies, it can screw you up and make you paranoid about every situation (well done to the poster who mentioned norovirus at DLP earlier eyeroll. Whatever. Not helpful, but you knew that already, that's why you did it, you goady shithead). Your children won't get sick and even if they do it'll be over in a day or two. Good luck. Don't keep them off the week before, you don't need to.

longlostpal · 16/04/2017 19:15

user

I don't think that anyone has intended to be harsh about your problems. I certainly haven't. I think the point that people are making is that your kids' education should not be affected by it. I appreciate that MH problems can make life very hard. I definitely think you should focus on getting help, and continue to be open about your experiences. However, it wouldn't be right if people's sympathy extended to condoning actions that adversely affected your kids. People are sympathetic about WHY you suggested this, but they are still right to say that it is not a good idea.

GabsAlot · 16/04/2017 19:15

sorry op but u came on aibu and asked a quesiton did u think everyone would just say yes of course carry on

Whosthemummynow · 16/04/2017 19:18

OP there is zero point me pussyfooting around the issue. No one has personally attacked you, there is no need for tears Nd dramatics. You asked. YABU....

LouKout · 16/04/2017 19:20

Hmm did that make you feel good whosthe

Lepetitmarsellais · 16/04/2017 19:21

OP I would go back to your GP and talk to them about how your OCD is not being well managed at the moment. This would be a perfect example of how. Perhaps they could look at a change in medication or some more CBT Flowers

Original poster
user1489094655 · 16/04/2017 19:21

I do struggle everyday some days worse than others. I am a fool for thinking I could go to dlp but it's too late now. I have suggested that I shouldn't go but my dh thinks that I'll be strong enough for cope.

At the moment, I would rather die than be sick. I don't have anxiety about other illnesses eg colds, pox etc. Just sickness.

My dh is wonderful and a tower of strength.
My kids are wonderful. So I will have to fight just as I do every day to get up and function.

OP posts:
ILikeBeansWithKetchup · 16/04/2017 19:21

Sorry that you feel people are being unkind OP but I just don't know who you thought would say ' yes, crack on'.

I work in pastoral care and the number of children that have time off because of their (usually) DM's MH issues is genuinely shocking. I hope you enjoy your holiday but your children will be safe in school the week before. Have they been sick at school at all ever?

I think you should openly discuss your fears about sending your children to school with a kindly face at the school.

SootSprite · 16/04/2017 19:22

OP, I can't believe you're 'shocked' that people think keeping your child off school because you don't want to ruin your holiday is a bad idea. If you're after unlimited sympathy and compassion then maybe AIBU isn't the place for you. No one has been unkind to you at all. People have just said that your idea is a bad one.

You know yourself that keeping your dd off school is a bad idea, it won't help your anxiety, it will make it worse. Do you really want your dd growing up in that kind of environment? You need to get yourself some more help, and quickly.

CaulkheadNorth · 16/04/2017 19:23

AIBU isn't the best place to post if you don't want people to say that YABU.

Maybe look for a new therapist as things are trickier now DD is in reception? A lot is about finding the right person.