To think no, ds (10) does not 'need a slap' for calling me a penis

[theduchessstill]

I have a relative staying with me and today my dc came back having spent a week on holiday with their dad. We have a system going whereby they remove dead creatures (cat-kill) from the house for a small reward - ds1's current choice is Match Attax cards. On the night before the holiday, ds1 cleaned up a mouse for me and another one in the morning before he left. I told him his two packs would be waiting for him when he got back.

Well, I got the wrong ones (why are there so many types?). I handed them over and he opened them as usual and it all seemed fine. I casually said "they are the right ones aren't they?" and he hesitated a bit and then said "It's fine, don't worry," but I sort of interrupted and said, among other things, "If you'd said straight away before opening them we could have taken them back." At that point his manner changed and he started shouting and said various things such as that he does slave labour for nothing, he hates me, I'm stupid and a penis (!).

I asked him what had got into him and he said he was angry with himself because if he'd told me straight away we could have changed them. He was struggling with feelings of disappointment, knowing he was being rude and all the rest of it. Throughout the rest of the evening he keep veering between being a bit tearful, saying he hated me, but was also very clingy and cuddly.

Put the dc to bed and came down looking forward to a glass of wine with relative and she was sitting waiting to launch an attack on how ridiculous it all was - I'm too soft on him, there's something wrong with him, her dc would have had a slap for that carry on blah blah. I tried to laugh it off a bit, but she persisted so I told her we'd better leave it as we weren't going to agree, and now she's gone to bang around in the kitchen.

AIBU? I think he was tired, overwhelmed (first time they've been away from me for more than 4 days and they'd had a 5 hour journey plus breaks) and began by trying to do the right thing. I honestly don't think he would have told me had I not mentioned taking them back.

i was told to fuck off by my 12 year old a year ago- I was not happy...at all. We had words afterwards. There are lines we do not cross, we don't call each other names, I don't swear at him and he doesn't swear at me - neither of us wish to have that kind of relationship.

Dear gods, 10 year olds are entirely capable of dealing with cat kill and most other types of kill. No need for attacks of the vapours at the thought of a precious darling seeing a bit of blood on the floor instead of the plate.

Sounds like a tired disappointed child behaving like a tired disappointed child. I'd have send him to bed earlier to be honest as well as discussing it the next day.

Relative was plain rude without the excuse of being 10.

And my point onion was that each person has their own boundaries. And all the talk of respect makes me cringe a bit. I don't actually care if my 15 year old swears at home - don't like the c word - and I've never heard him use it with me or my friends, if he did I would tell him I didn't like it. He uses fuck quite liberally but doesn't use retard, spastic, mongol, or variations on learning disability - as he does not like those words himself - he has a severely disabled brother.

I don't personally find it disrespectful if he uses the word fuck - it doesn't offend me. He has never sworn at an adult inappropriately - so my acceptance of fuck at home doesn't seem to have led to mass disrespect.

All his friends seems to swear amongst themselves so I'm not sure what you do at home makes much difference with that. They all seem capable of not swearing when the circumstances require that as well.

I would personally rather my son said fuck than retarded. Others will have different boundaries.

My brother swears liberally around my mother - will casually say cunt too, she just accepts it but if he called her a penis or any other name or he swore at her - she would not tolerate that at all!

But that's what I mean. I don't care about fuck off but would be very unamused by 'stupid woman'. Being disrespectful is far more complicated than a list of words.

In this case the child had plenty of mitigating circumstances - and the whole response and sequence of events needed consideration, rather than the use of the word penis.

I'm not really disagreeing with what words are acceptable and which aren't - that's personal - just disagreeing with the idea that allowing certain words leads to instant disrespect.

Yes, it's rude but also very childish and the way he was clearly searching for something awful to say and that was what came out was actually quite comical

If he was 4, maybe. At 10, said to your mum, it's just plain rude.

Not getting all the angst about a child picking up a dead mouse, though. Good grief.

If he wants to use adult language, he should be prepared to take adult consequences. If i walked up to someone in a pub and called them every name under the sun, then i wouldn't be surprised to get a slap round the chops for my troubles.

And the situation was nothing like walking up to a random person in the pub and calling them names. I'm sure the OP can deal with that appropriately should it happen

He cleans cat kill, he is an amazing kid! I will try the bribery on my DCs

I would say that name calling is not tolerating and it's very rude to call someone a penis and not Expected behaviour. Got an apology and left it at that. I'm sure he felt bad about it too - we all get angry and not always mean what we say!

How is a tired and upset 10 year old being a bit rude to his mum in any way similar to an adult in a pub insulting random strangers? What a load of nonsense.

I don't understand all this 'over tired' nonsense.

Everyone gets over tired sometimes, don't they? It's shorthand for describing that state you get into when you're mentally and physically exhausted - I think we've all been there. Anyone who hasn't is very lucky!

Having a 9.5 year old DS I feel for you with these bloody Match Attax!! I have also brought the wrong ones occasionally and I also get loads of grief for it!!
I also find if DS is very tired (been away, maybe late nights and lots of travel) I find it easier to ignore the naughty behaviour, ungratefulness and cheeky comments. If I tell him off or try and reprimand him it just makes things even worse. More shouting, more tears. So, I cuddle him, settle him and send him to bed telling him he needs additional sleep.
Ok, it wasn't nice him talking to you like that but he's still learning to control his feelings. I would have no problem with this providing it wasn't happening all the time.
I think you did the right thing; I would have also poured myself a large wine!!