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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think no, ds (10) does not 'need a slap' for calling me a penis

114 replies

theduchessstill · 15/04/2017 21:30

I have a relative staying with me and today my dc came back having spent a week on holiday with their dad. We have a system going whereby they remove dead creatures (cat-kill) from the house for a small reward - ds1's current choice is Match Attax cards. On the night before the holiday, ds1 cleaned up a mouse for me and another one in the morning before he left. I told him his two packs would be waiting for him when he got back.

Well, I got the wrong ones (why are there so many types?). I handed them over and he opened them as usual and it all seemed fine. I casually said "they are the right ones aren't they?" and he hesitated a bit and then said "It's fine, don't worry," but I sort of interrupted and said, among other things, "If you'd said straight away before opening them we could have taken them back." At that point his manner changed and he started shouting and said various things such as that he does slave labour for nothing, he hates me, I'm stupid and a penis (!).

I asked him what had got into him and he said he was angry with himself because if he'd told me straight away we could have changed them. He was struggling with feelings of disappointment, knowing he was being rude and all the rest of it. Throughout the rest of the evening he keep veering between being a bit tearful, saying he hated me, but was also very clingy and cuddly.

Put the dc to bed and came down looking forward to a glass of wine with relative and she was sitting waiting to launch an attack on how ridiculous it all was - I'm too soft on him, there's something wrong with him, her dc would have had a slap for that carry on blah blah. I tried to laugh it off a bit, but she persisted so I told her we'd better leave it as we weren't going to agree, and now she's gone to bang around in the kitchen.

AIBU? I think he was tired, overwhelmed (first time they've been away from me for more than 4 days and they'd had a 5 hour journey plus breaks) and began by trying to do the right thing. I honestly don't think he would have told me had I not mentioned taking them back.

OP posts:
Original poster
theduchessstill · 15/04/2017 22:04

Yes, she certainly did mean slap and I know she did smack her own dc, but she is older and it was more common in those days (70s).

Ds is a little prone to over-reacting to stuff, yes, but, though I wish he hadn't reacted as he did, I also get where he's coming from. He had been looking forward to the cards and then they were the wrong ones. I would be disappointed and, if a child, especially an exhausted one, would certainly have cried. I never said 'boo' to my parents though, and that wasn't great either.

We talked at bedtime about how he could have behaved differently and I don't think any other consequence was needed. Confiscating would have been pointless - he didn't want them and that was the issue!

Both dc do certain chores for no reward and are expected to tidy up after themselves etc, but cleaning up cat-kill merits a reward imo. It was my decision to get cats and if I don't want to deal with what they bring in I think it only fair that the dc should get recompense. Ds1 doesn't even like them and I don't think making him clean dead mice because 'I said so' would help!

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 15/04/2017 22:06

He really shouldn't be having to clean up dead animals your pets have brought home. Yuck.
He obviously doesn't deserve a slap.
But he was bloody rude and does deserve a consequence. And should apologise.

Floggingmolly · 15/04/2017 22:06

If someone suggested my 10 year old had "something wrong with him", they're the ones that would get the slap.

ShesAStar · 15/04/2017 22:07

I can't stand it when other people tell parents how they should deal with their own DC. You know best, he's your DC. If it was my DS I would have put him to bed like you did, he was overtired. It's a very polite insult- he could have said dick.

Floggingmolly · 15/04/2017 22:09

But what Wolfie said too, actually. (about the dead things). Cleaning up roadkill shouldn't be relegated to a 10 year old, God love him.

wheresthel1ght · 15/04/2017 22:11

I am afraid in my home he would have got more than a stern talking to for calling me a penis. There is no excuse for that sort of rudeness in a 10 year old regardless of how tired and over wrought they are. He would be grounded at the very least

Tinseleverywhere · 15/04/2017 22:11

Your relative is being a bit rude banging round in the kitchen because you said agree to disagree. Maybe she needs a slap?

SomethingBorrowed · 15/04/2017 22:14

YANBU, no slap.
The name calling should have consequences though but it could be just a talk about respect if it is something out of character for your DC

And YANBU about the reward system either.

SquinkiesRule · 15/04/2017 22:15

He doesn't need a slap, she's out of line.
However the way he spoke was not appropriate or to be tolerated, no matter how tired he was. I'd have left him to get some sleep and deal with it in the morning. By a good talking too and not slapping.

diddl · 15/04/2017 22:23

I don't think that there is any excusing how he spoke to you at all.

Relative was wrong to say what she did & certainly should just have dropped it.

GinSwigmore · 15/04/2017 22:27

DS picks up dead mice for you? Shock

StarryIllusion · 15/04/2017 22:29

At 10?! He would have been punished harshly at the very least. At his age tiredness is not an acceptable excuse and he is well old enough not to be an ungrateful brat. I'm with her on this one I'm afraid. If not a smacked backside he would have had some kind of consequence and the bollocking of a lifetime. No respect for parents who allow their kids to talk to them like that, sorry, its disgusting behaviour and I would have been mortified.

user1471558436 · 15/04/2017 22:39

Poor boy. Sounds like he missed you and has had a long tiring day.

user1471558436 · 15/04/2017 22:41

I think I would have laughed if my son called me a penis. Hilarious insult!

I'm sure your son will reflect on what's happened and you can chat to him tomorrow when he's fresher

Salmotrutta · 15/04/2017 22:43

I wouldn't have countenanced my DC speaking to me like that no matter what the circumsatne.

Calling you a penis? I'd have given him the hairdryer effect.

BUT your relative shouldn't be voicing her opinion.

Original poster
theduchessstill · 15/04/2017 22:45

What does it actually mean when people there's no excusing his behaviour. There were clear reasons behind it - they may not excuse his outburst but they d mitigate it somewhat imo. He was in tears as he spoke, not lashing out or verbally aggressive really. And I think it's really horrible to call him an 'ungrateful brat.' Horrible language anyway, and completely unfair. He does a job I don't want to do and gets a reward for it. It's not ungrateful to not want some random cards he's not collecting. Nonetheless, he was sucking it up, until he realised that he himself had made the situation irredeemable by opening the packs. Then he took his frustration out on me because, well, I'm his mum and he was very tired and a bit emotional anyway.

I now feel I need to add that his behaviour at school is exemplary and he loves the fact that he can earn extra cards by clearing the cat kill. They are pretty tiny and he doesn't have to do it with his bare hands you know!

OP posts:
Sugarpiehoneyeye · 15/04/2017 22:48

Penis 😂
That is most certainly, a little boys attempt at his worst insult.
I agree, things will be different in the morning,after a good nights sleep.
He was overtired and disappointed.
Sounds like he really doesn't want to pick up cat kill OP. ☹️😸🐀🐁
Your relative should butt out.

LovingLola · 15/04/2017 22:49

What will you do when he calls a teacher a penis????

Trb17 · 15/04/2017 22:51

Sounds like your DS was feeling overly emotional. DD acts this way sometimes. Lashes out when she's made a mistake she can't fix that's led to her being really disappointed. She doesn't name call but only because she swearing averse lol.

I try to put myself in her shoes and understand her crushing disappointment and feeling that she's powerless to change it. I remember the same feeling at her age. I know she's lashing out at me since I'm closest to her.

I warn her to reign it back in and I don't try to fix it for her as in this state she'll refuse any help anyway.

But I do tell her she'll be in trouble if she doesn't stop and give her a chance to chill out. If she doesn't there's consequences, if she does then not.

Your relative needs to butt out. It's non of her business and she was BU not you.

Floggingmolly · 15/04/2017 22:54

Ah, he's not going to call his teacher a penis. He's a tired, overwrought little boy.

flippinada · 15/04/2017 22:55

Of course he doesn't need a slap, horrible phrase. You know your son best and you dealt with the situation appropriately.

Be prepared that you'll get some unpleasant comments though, anything about disciplining children seems to bring about the worst in some folk.

phoolani · 15/04/2017 22:58

I'm with trb17 - I think. Really, 'severe consequences' for a tired, disappointed 10 year old? I act like a shit if I'm tired and disappointed, why shouldn't my kids? Yes, I apologise and so do they. But far better to talk through with them - like the op did - why they're behaving like they are and get them to really understand their emotions. How else will they learn to regulate themselves? My kids get a talk, a hug and put to bed in this situation. They'll then apologise of their own volition in the morning.

DalaHorse · 15/04/2017 22:58

Tomorrow is a better time to speak about it all with him. No he does not "deserve a slap", no child does, hopefully she did mean it metaphorically though.

Even though he was disappointed I think calling you a penis is the real problem. The tears etc is like you say struggling with feelings of disappointment, presumably he had been looking forward to his treat all week.

That's understandable under the circumstances but name calling is not ever acceptable or allowed and I would have probably sent him to bed there and then for that, having been made to apologise first. There is just no room for personal insults. It is not helpful, it's rude and is not useful dialogue. It needs nipping in the bud, it's such a bad habit and once established its difficult to break. My dh is lovely but he had the habit of name calling in arguments, thankfully now broken after a long time of me absolutely not accepting it and pointing out it was verbal abuse to say nasty names even "in the heat of an argument". No, anything does not go when you are get up.

As for your friend, she was rude to be so vocal. That wasn't helpful either. I would not mention it again with her and if she brings it up I'd say "I will deal with ds as I see fit when the time is right. That wasn't in the moment or in front of you".

reallyanotherone · 15/04/2017 23:08

Bless him.

The excitement of knowing he'll get his cards.
The disapointment when he realises you got the wrong ones, but putting a brave face on and trying his hardest not to be ungrateful.

Then to be told if he hadn't opened them- i.e his own actions again meant he didn't get his cards- making it his own fault.

He probably doesn't hate you o/p, he hates himself at the moment. In trying to do the right thing he did the wrong thing, and you pointed out his "failing". He wasn't to know you can take them back.

Big hug for him, tell him he'll know for next time. Then have the conversation about insulting people and saying things in anger.

As for the relative, yes they can butt out.

Wolfiefan · 15/04/2017 23:12

You wanted the cats. You pick up the dead animals they bring in.
And no. I don't care why he was rude. He was bloody rude. Stop excusing him or you will have a complete nightmare on your hands as a teen. He's not 3. He should be able to be polite. Even if he's frustrated or tired etc.