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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think no, ds (10) does not 'need a slap' for calling me a penis

114 replies

theduchessstill · 15/04/2017 21:30

I have a relative staying with me and today my dc came back having spent a week on holiday with their dad. We have a system going whereby they remove dead creatures (cat-kill) from the house for a small reward - ds1's current choice is Match Attax cards. On the night before the holiday, ds1 cleaned up a mouse for me and another one in the morning before he left. I told him his two packs would be waiting for him when he got back.

Well, I got the wrong ones (why are there so many types?). I handed them over and he opened them as usual and it all seemed fine. I casually said "they are the right ones aren't they?" and he hesitated a bit and then said "It's fine, don't worry," but I sort of interrupted and said, among other things, "If you'd said straight away before opening them we could have taken them back." At that point his manner changed and he started shouting and said various things such as that he does slave labour for nothing, he hates me, I'm stupid and a penis (!).

I asked him what had got into him and he said he was angry with himself because if he'd told me straight away we could have changed them. He was struggling with feelings of disappointment, knowing he was being rude and all the rest of it. Throughout the rest of the evening he keep veering between being a bit tearful, saying he hated me, but was also very clingy and cuddly.

Put the dc to bed and came down looking forward to a glass of wine with relative and she was sitting waiting to launch an attack on how ridiculous it all was - I'm too soft on him, there's something wrong with him, her dc would have had a slap for that carry on blah blah. I tried to laugh it off a bit, but she persisted so I told her we'd better leave it as we weren't going to agree, and now she's gone to bang around in the kitchen.

AIBU? I think he was tired, overwhelmed (first time they've been away from me for more than 4 days and they'd had a 5 hour journey plus breaks) and began by trying to do the right thing. I honestly don't think he would have told me had I not mentioned taking them back.

OP posts:
Darbs76 · 15/04/2017 23:13

Tired of not I'd have taken the card off him and told him off, I wouldn't allow my child to call me a penis etc. But it's not the relatives place to discipline your child and it's your home, she should have kept quiet when you told her its best to agree to disagree

Original poster
theduchessstill · 15/04/2017 23:17

No idea why it's such a problem to you that my dc clear up cat kill, Wolfie, but we'll carry on as we are, thanks, since we're all happy with it.

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 15/04/2017 23:18

Clearly he isn't all that happy or he wouldn't be so upset about some cards or need bribing to do a job you can't stand to do yourself. Confused

phoolani · 15/04/2017 23:20

No, absolutely not, don't help him to understand how the emotions we are feeling can lead to undesirable and unwanted behaviour. Dear god, no, don't help him to process his feelings and ensure better outcomes as he grows up. This, btw, is sarcasm.

DiseasesOfTheSheep · 15/04/2017 23:31

Meh, I think you'll have more problems on your hands when he's a teen if you come down on him like a tonne of bricks for a bit of rudeness, than if you help him process his emotions and learn how to deal with them constructively. And I can't see the harm in him doing a job for reward either.

Original poster
theduchessstill · 15/04/2017 23:33

It's quite simple really Wolfie - he doesn't want to do it for nothing (who would), but he very much does want to do it for a reward. He will often as hopefully, on coming downstairs, whether the cat has brought anything in Smile.

OP posts:
FairytalesAreBullshit · 16/04/2017 08:20

I don't believe in using physical contact as punishment, nor raising my voice and shouting. You can get a point across in a mild manner, explaining that the word penis isn't a very nice thing to call someone and not to do it again.

Whilst some are aghast that I've never laid a finger on my children, plus only shouted once, I must be some liberal hippy. I can induce the face of shame just by saying that's not very nice is it.

I grew up in a house where smacking and shouting was the norm, it led to an atmosphere of fear if none of my siblings would own up, as you'd be chosen at random for punishment. 2 of us would get upset, because we strived to be good, the other 2 would laugh at the sight of the wooden spoon and it became a game of catch me if you can.

I vowed I'd never let anger or frustration cloud my judgement at all. As yelling and slapping is merely you being pissed off and doesn't teach your children a thing.

Even into my 30's I'd get whacked if my parents saw fit. It led me to pity them that they couldn't control their tempers.

Trifleorbust · 16/04/2017 08:29

I think you're being far too literal too. If you honestly believe she meant hit him, then YANBU, but to me that is a side issue. Your son's behaviour sounds more worrying than your relative' reaction. Calling you abusive names, crying, saying he hates you etc. over Match cards in a 10 year old? Confused

He is also, in my view, too young to be cleaning up dead animals.

Trifleorbust · 16/04/2017 08:31

Wolfiefan:

Totally agree. I would never ask my 10 year old to scrape intestines off the fucking floor. No wonder he is getting overwrought.

Devilishpyjamas · 16/04/2017 08:38

Oh god the hardline parenting brigade are out in force.

Was it your mother OP? Mine thinks I am far too soft on mine - although bizarrely she wasn't ever particularly strict with me when I was growing up - she must have blanked the past as she's far tougher on mine.m than she ever was on me.

And lol at penis. I'm sure you'll get called worse during teenage years.

upperlimit · 16/04/2017 08:39

I think he really tried to be cool about the wrong cards, it was only when you kept niggling him over it and then saying, "If you'd said straight away before opening them we could have taken them back," that he lost his temper. I mean, it was a totally redundant and inflammatory statement at that point.

I would have been cross if my kids tried to call me a dick, even in those circumstances. But there wouldn't be any shouting or slapping.

loveMyWeeDog · 16/04/2017 08:39

Who cleaned up the dead animals when your son was on holiday?

BertrandRussell · 16/04/2017 08:40

Utterly bizarre reaction some people are having to a child clearing up a dead mouse.......presumably they are not doing it without kitchen roll or whatever? Why on earth shouldn't they?

If I thought my child was being rude because he was overtired, I would have sent him to bed straight away.

And I would also have told my mother in law to keep her opinions to herself.

User4637384885 · 16/04/2017 08:40

Clearly shouldn't get a slap but that type of behaviour would not be excused in this house because a child is tired.

Trifleorbust · 16/04/2017 08:43

BertrandRussell:

Because children don't usually react like adults to blood and body parts? They can be sensitive and find it harder than adults do to manage their emotions? Because dead animals carry disease? There is plenty of time for them to do the grim jobs when they grow up.

I don't mind kids pulling their weight for treats, but I draw the line at dead rodents.

insancerre · 16/04/2017 08:44

Parents who say that children need a slap often have the most badly behaved children
I wonder why that is?
I have a friend who was sacked from her job as a nursery nurse after she said that a child needed a smack because she was crying during her first couple of sessions. The nursery said it was gross misconduct

BanginChoons · 16/04/2017 08:50

Are people really shocked about a ten year old cleaning up a mouse? My friend at that age would be sent into the yard to fetch a chicken for dinner. Why must we shield children from death like it never happens? I think that's far more harmful than cleaning up after your pets.

As for the pens comment, I would have laughed, given him a hug, apologised again for getting the wrong cards and sent him off for an early night.

Trifleorbust · 16/04/2017 08:54

BanginChoons:

Which was normal once upon a time, but so was child labour, corporal punishment etc. I wouldn't ask my child to slaughter something on my behalf either.

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 16/04/2017 09:03

No slapping here, and would also be very understanding of the tried and overwrought reaction. But calling you a "penis" is a bit more than that...

ArriettyClock1 · 16/04/2017 09:04

I wouldn't excuse him speaking to you in that way regardless of how tired he was.

Obviously the slap comment was totally inappropriate but I would be making sure that his behaviour had consequences.

Funnyonion17 · 16/04/2017 09:08

A slap is rediculous. However your DS does need consequences for his disrespectful behaviour. I wouldn't be offering any rewards for removing mice in future, that should do it.

yellowfrog · 16/04/2017 09:11

Blimey theduchessstill, you're getting a bit of a roasting, and I don't think it's deserved at all. How's DS today? Personally I'd have another conversation with him today about handling emotions (as in a helpful chat with suggestions). I'd also praise him for the fact he was grateful for the cards initially and didn't want to let on they were the wrong ones (isn't that what we says people are supposed to do - accept gifts gracefully and never say they don't like them). And then I'd find some easy and quick way for him to earn more cards so he can get the ones he really wants. Mumsnet will no doubt say I'm suggesting rewarding bad behaviour with that :)

lizzyj4 · 16/04/2017 09:16

I think some relative (who presumably doesn't even live in your house) banging around your kitchen is a lot ruder than an overwrought child calling you a penis Confused v.bloody rude in fact.

It's none of their business how you manage your children's behaviour. I wouldn't even engage in a discussion about it. And as for banging around the kitchen, I'd be asking them to leave and not come back until they could behave like an adult.

Mummyoflittledragon · 16/04/2017 09:16

Regarding giving a kid a slap. It is sometimes an expression. I said it once in anger about a 10/11 yr old bullying a friends' child. Then clarified I didn't mean actual violence. It doesn't sound like this is the case in this instance and I'd be fuming about this and the other comments.

No it's not a nice expression, which is why I don't usually use it and your relative has overstepped the mark. Children can be pretty nasty when they're tired. A chat about emotions today would be good. And an apology. If it was a regular thing, I think you'd need to take measures maybe including earlier bedtime and some consequences. But a one off, that's life, we all get overwrought and he should be treated with love and kindness because it sounds as if he was feeling pretty shit about himself so any punishment would have been detrimental.

Carlyfarley · 16/04/2017 09:19

Your relative was wrong to say that. He sounds like he was overtired.

What a way to teach a child to control their emotions, they lash out so you lash out and slap them? No.

My ds is almost 9 and and gets tired and cheeky. He's yet to call me names but he does overreact at times. I'd probably have a firm chat about what's acceptable the next day and a punishment such as no computer games.

Am I the only one who thinks it's wrong to get the kids to clean up the dead animals? Sorry op but I think that's too much for kids.