AIBU to resent extra curricular clubs?

[Maggie2828]

My children are 6 and 9. Their school has a lot of middle class families, well paid dads, sah mums. There seems to be a culture of competitive after-school-clubbing. It's not unusual for a child to do three different activities in a night (as in "Little johnny has piano lesson, then football, then beavers on a Monday, choir and karate on Tuesday etc etc").

I work 4 days a week, an hours commute each way. We struggle financially each month to meet basic costs. I rely on grandparents for after school care. My kids do swimming lessons. At home, they play in the garden and we take the dog for walks. We swim at weekends as well, and usually go to the beach/woods.

I can't afford all these clubs, I couldn't manage it logistically, when we have tried clubs in the past, both kids have hated them and asked to leave. It's hard enough getting homework done, and also I like actually spending time with my children. They are both healthy, sociable and well rounded kids.

One or two activities that a child enjoys I get, but AIBU to think that the myriad of activities kids do is at least as much about competitive parenting as creating a happy and successful child?

A bit different but DS has private speech and language therapy and OT and does Football. Before he was doing swimming lessons on top of all that and I couldn't cope, we were both exhausted by the end of the day. I use to dread taking him there (even though he loved it ).

My dcs do a variety of activities. I don't see it as competitive parenting. I do curtail what they do, as there are only so many hours ! My dd would do a million things but I limit it to 3 activities a week each...for my 3 dcs.
I don't compare with other parents who do more or less than we do.
Do what's right for your family .

Why do we need to know about your work and your commute in order to answer your (highly loaded) AIBU question?

Dd has 4 clubs a week. It's not competitive parenting but that we have no kids that live near us so she has no opportunity to play and interact with others out of school. These clubs have been amazing for her confidence and help maintain and normalise fitness. She has made loads of friends from vastly different backgrounds and it has shown her than she can have friends outwith school.

For me the importance lies in her ability to socialise, something I struggle with. I genuinely don't give a shit what other parents think of me for allowing her to do these clubs. If she had her own way she'd add at least three more to the list.

One of my twins participates in more extracurricular clubs than the other; I actually prefer spending time with his brother, obviously.

My dd is 11 now, and has one "main" hobby (dance) which she does 2-3 nights a week. She'd probably do it more if I let her. She also does swimming once a week as well as her school drama club and choir. Altogether, it feels like a nice balance.

She used to do loads more, including brownies, Chinese club, netball and gardening. I was always worried about her being too busy, but she liked it that way so I followed her lead. All of the activities were her own choice, except swimming. There certainly wasn't anything competitive about it - not even sure if anyone knew that she was doing these activities, apart from the other kids who were doing the same things!

As she got older, her preferences became clearer and she started to cut out the activities that she enjoyed less. She also started to value having some free time in the evenings. There is no way that she would give up on her dance, though - it's a massive part of her life and she gets so much out of it.

It's funny really, as I'd never have chosen dance as a hobby for dd. Ideally, I wanted her to learn karate or play a musical instrument, but she wasn't interested in either. However, I can now see how much she has gained from dance and I'm delighted that she has found something that gives her so much pleasure as well as many other benefits. Dance has taught her about discipline, teamwork and perseverance, the importance of trusting others, the value of pushing herself outside of her comfort zone, and the rewards that can come from hard work and regular practice. It has given her loads of confidence and a lovely social circle outside of school, as well as plenty of exercise and loads of fun. And something positive to do as she moves into her teenage years.

I didn't really have any big hobbies as a teenager, unlike my sister who played an instrument. In hindsight, I feel that I rather missed out. I'm really glad that dd has found something which she loves.

Raising a family is a practical business. You do what works, what you can afford, what allows you the highest level of happiness for you and your kids. Don't worry about what other people are doing!

I was one of those parents who sent their DC to 3+ activities per night.

This might come as quite a shock but I couldn't give a stuff what other people thought. I certainly wasn't in competition with other parents. It never crossed my mind. DD is 17 and is actually making her extra curricular activities her career.

DD is not academic so struggled with homework and school work so this was her lifeline.

She has worked at one of her extra curricular activities as a Saturday job as a teaching assistant and then teaching it since she was 14.
She will qualify to teach one subject at the end of next term and be qualified to teach a couple of other subjects in the next couple of years.

I spent time with my children later on in the evening. Both had massive amounts of energy and needed to work out for a few hours after being cooped up in school all day.

Horses for courses. Some children need to focus on more physical activities than a school can offer during the day. Some are more academic and it is easier for them because that is what schools cater for.

Ds is following in his sister's footsteps

I think extra curricular activities benefit children a lot teaching perseverance , teamwork,performing in public. A way to make new friends at uni etc

OP, i get the impression that behind your criticism of these other 'competitive' parents, lies your feelings of inadequacy about your children's lack of activities when you have no need to feel that way. I doubt these parents are judging you.

I am guilty, My DD does 18 hours of extra curricular activity, every day of the week. Costs me £200 a month for fees and kit.
Her activity has shaped her in such a positive way, the benefits are profound.

I was with you until this:

and also I like actually spending time with my children.

As do they, I'm sure. They just have more money and time than you so their DC can do more activities they enjoy.

Your finances and schedule don't allow it. Don't start making out that its actually that they must not like their DC as much as you.

OP if you work full time and rely on grandparents for after school care how much do you "like spending time with your children"?

I am a SAHM- does that mean I must " like spending time with my children" more than you?

I had a carefully planned timetable of activities that could be slotted in for each child. They chose some, I chose others. Was it a competition? Not directly but it did confer a degree of advantage in terms of career choices- high academics plus high level extracurricular attainment makes them a generally welcome applicant. My son would not be an army officer now were it not for rugby. My daughter's are doctors because they offered something extra at interview (although in the case of one, I think it may have been her irregular choice shoes).
My other son studied chemical engineering at Oxford because he could talk at length about water quality v cleansing methods in swimming pools and how chemistry made you a better musician.
Extracurricular are not the be all and end all but there is a reason top public schools minimise television and screen time over a complex extracurricular timetable.
A firm commitment to a demanding activity in teen years also prevents the 'hanging around chilling culture that can lead to so many problems.

My children don't excel in the curricula so the extra curricula is the area they do well in and learn a lot of skills etc. think one will follow a career based on his extra curricula. To be fair we only do 3 a week and one is at school (piano) I m more bothered about the national curriculum not emphasising g the arts enough than other parents paying for lots of clubs

I've just pulled my kids out of loads of clubs with the stated reason being 'we want to do more walks in the woods as a family'.

A lot of the ones we do are to do with therapy-by-stealth (e.g. I push sports because they are very clumsy and if I don't buy coaching they wouldn't have to confidence to ever participate) or family pressures (e.g. Mother tongue language lesson).

I'm a SAHM - and it's a real grind to do extra clubs even so,

Yeah, my kids wanted to learn to play musical instruments and play in bands but I told them they had to stay home with me every day after school cause I love them so much.

I don;t think scheduling every second of a child's time is that healthy really. I've always thought that kids need time just to "be", especially after a busy day at school. I have three kids and each doing several activities a week would be logistically impossible.

My 14 year old does clubs like debating at school during his linch hour and is involved in a STEM thing which means he's home late one night. Apart from that, he does Scouts only and one shift a week (4 hours) in the local Save the Children shop.

My 10 year old does Guides and dancing, she is also currently doing a weekend drama class but thinks she'll stop that at the end of term.

My 9 year old does Cubs and tennis.

I have a friend who packs her child's day like the OP - I share lifts to Guides with her on a Tuesday and by the time I pick her daughter up just before 7 she's already had a full day at school, been to a singing lesson 3.30-4.15, swimming 5-5.45 and thrown some dinner down herself before Guides - poor wee thing is knakcered.

I'm like you, op. Earliest we pick kids up is 5 and they go to bed by 8. V difficult to fit in much between those hours (and tea and reading time). They swim on Sat morning and one does 2 activities in the week. That's it. Dc2 has no interest in anything, which is a blessing.

I do feel that they're a bit limited cos of logistics, but I think they'd happily do nothing extra curricular if they could just come home and play with their toys.

The choice isn't nothing or 3 activities every evening, every day of the week. Things can be done in moderation. Also the reasons some people do it is because they want to keep up with the Joneses and they think doing tons is the middle class thing to do, including keeping up with the kids who go to private schools.

It's the same with tutoring. Kids these days are more stressed out and lacking in confidence than before despite this explosion in extracurricular activities. Mental health issues are becoming very common and the incidence is highest amongst kids whose days are jam packed with these stuff.

Everything in moderation and let kids have downtime.

Misstic Mental health issues are becoming very common and the incidence is highest amongst kids whose days are jam packed with these stuff.

Can you link to the research that shows this, please. I'd be interested to read it.

Exactly misstic - DS currently does 2 activities a week and is about to start a third. That still leaves him with heaps of downtime to play/ swim/scoot to the beach/ watch tv/moan. He also does a mix of family time and sports clubs in the holidays. The key as a parent is to gauge what is right for your child.

Hobbies/ sports are what helped me fight my mental health problem, what kept me going through the darkest years following an awful traumatic bereavement. The time doing my sport was a blessed break and the team mates are my friends for life. My "hobby" literally saved my life.

Competitive clubbing is crazy. Ours are 8,11,11,12 and do 3 sports a week. They do quite a lot thinking about.

In France so no school on Wednesday afternoon so all 3 sports are on Wednesday.

The school does various clubs at lunch time. They can do whichever they want then, as they are pretty cheap. But honestly I've no idea what they do anymore. Sewing, craft, loupgarou(?), singing I think. Between them, not each.

Some children love extra stuff others need the down time. Neither is right or wrong.

Dd1 loved doing things, and she she started tended to continue, she's a sticker. She does less now (gcse year) and only does 3 things a week.
Dd2 loves being busy. Two days a week she does three different things. Only thing to burst your bubble is she's a teen and arranged all herself. They're a mixture of after school things ( one of which is very competitive to get into and she was lucky), helping with younger ones, and half an hour slots (music lessons). It helps her anxiety to be be busy, and she tends to get very low when she isn't doing them. However she's also my best at amusing herself, never is lost for something yo do.
Ds doesn't like doing after school things so does very few. He needs lots of down time and doesn't like doing new things.

And for the person who laughed at circus skills, dd2 doesn't do them, but she did have a part in a touring circus a couple of years back, which did wonders for her self esteem and confidence.