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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to resent extra curricular clubs?

122 replies

Maggie2828 · 15/04/2017 19:27

My children are 6 and 9. Their school has a lot of middle class families, well paid dads, sah mums. There seems to be a culture of competitive after-school-clubbing. It's not unusual for a child to do three different activities in a night (as in "Little johnny has piano lesson, then football, then beavers on a Monday, choir and karate on Tuesday etc etc").

I work 4 days a week, an hours commute each way. We struggle financially each month to meet basic costs. I rely on grandparents for after school care. My kids do swimming lessons. At home, they play in the garden and we take the dog for walks. We swim at weekends as well, and usually go to the beach/woods.

I can't afford all these clubs, I couldn't manage it logistically, when we have tried clubs in the past, both kids have hated them and asked to leave. It's hard enough getting homework done, and also I like actually spending time with my children. They are both healthy, sociable and well rounded kids.

One or two activities that a child enjoys I get, but AIBU to think that the myriad of activities kids do is at least as much about competitive parenting as creating a happy and successful child?

OP posts:

2014newme · 15/04/2017 21:12

If your kids hate clubs and don't want to go anyway I'm not seeing the issue?
They don't want to go
You don't want them to go
What is there to be resentful about?

Nb I doubt it's the norm to do three activities in one day. That must be the exception surely

Lowdoorinthewal1 · 15/04/2017 21:14

When you get the threads asking 'are Prep schools worth it?' and everyone saying 'no no, save your money and use it to supplement with extra curricular' this is what you end up with- packed evenings.

DS has tennis and golf coaching with a pro coach, does judo, circus skills, attends choir and drama. Next year he will be able to add fencing. He could have music lessons on his choice of instrument but doesn't want to. All whilst at school. I only supplement with swimming club 3 days a week.

2014newme · 15/04/2017 21:15

Circus skills 😂

Lowdoorinthewal1 · 15/04/2017 21:20

It's an actual thing don't you know, essential life skill.

topcat2014 · 15/04/2017 21:21

DD does cubs, French, netball, dance - mostly v low cost things.

I neither know nor care what anyone elses children do or don't do - certainly not enough to 'judge' - so relax, OP, and carry on as you are.

Mind you, cubs is really good value, and continues long term into scouts etc, with a lot of opportunities for low cost adventure.

Naicehamshop · 15/04/2017 21:25

I work in a primary school and yes - there are loads of very competitive parents out there!

I think you have to decide what suits your children, really. Some children enjoy being busy, and others need more down time. I would just say that some children - especially those who do lots of very competitive activities - can get very tense and stressed. Time to relax is often underestimated by parents.

Naicehamshop · 15/04/2017 21:27

Just re-read some of the posts...

What was that about competitive parents??!

SomewhatIdiosyncratic · 15/04/2017 21:34

DS1 (6) has swimming one night and gymnastics and beavers that fall on another night. He also gets dragged out to my brownie pack on another evening so that's factored in, but he doesn't have to engage with it. That's still two clear evenings plus the weekend.

I think these activities are a good foundation for the future, beavers is a good all rounder, swimming is beneficial for fun, water safety and potentially other sports, and gymnastics for his agility and coordination which will help for PE and other sports. Beavers is good value because it's run by volunteers, and the other two are run at a council leisure centre so modest costs.

I benefited from the extra curricular activities that I did and still do through things that they've lead me to take up since, and the confidence they gave me.

I feel that I've got a balance of experiences/ skills that are beneficial within our means, and sufficient down time for the DCs to relax and entertain themselves. That balance will vary from family to family.

theymademejoin · 15/04/2017 21:37

Naiceham - having kids doing activities doesn't make a parent competitive. I couldn't care less what other kids are doing. We do what works for us and I presume others do the same.

HowSmug · 15/04/2017 21:39

I could afford to send my D.C. to extra curricular activities but I still didn't. I don't think anyone cared. 😂 I did get them to go swimming and they all did things from time to time if they found something they wanted to do but generally they just played a lot. We did plenty of non sceduled activities and they always had lots of play dates so I can't see that they were missing out. It was more relaxing to do things at our own pace, They are at Uni now and two of them do loads of activities and sports and the other two do one or two sports so it doesn't seem like their lack of extra curriculars when they were young had a bad effect on them.

I always thought my DC were better than their friends at occupying themselves but I don't really know if test was true or not.

Misstic · 15/04/2017 21:42

What essential life skills are these? All rounded how? Just over stressing kids with lots of stuff. These kids that jam pack their weeks with tons of activities must HD so tired and stressed. Imagine if we as adults had very little down time, running to this and that activity for fun. The fun would soon wear off.

I personally just don't get it. Extracurricular activities are good but like every thing in life, moderation is the key.

fabulous01 · 15/04/2017 21:43

I never did clubs growing up as my family didn't have the money. But I learnt how to cook, play outside and had time to do homework
I still went to university and got a well paid job. Had to give it up when I had kids but... extra school activities don't make the person. A loving home does
And if doing 3 things a night is right for some so be it. But I personally wouldn't give a toss.

Misstic · 15/04/2017 21:48

HD = be

Naicehamshop · 15/04/2017 21:49

Exactly what Misstic said.

OwlOfBrown · 15/04/2017 21:56

Yes, DS also had to factor in Brownie meetings as an extra-curricular activity, and DD now helps out every week.

jacks11 · 15/04/2017 21:56

Generally, I think it's horses for courses. Some children thrive on activities and being busy, other children don't. As long as they are enjoying the activities, are not being forced to take part and aren't being exhausted by it all, then I don't really see the problem. I do agree 3 activities in one night seems excessive, but would have thought this is the exception rather than the rule.

I'm another who says I'm not sure what your issue is though? You don't want them to do all these extra-curricular activities and they don't want to do them either. You are happy with doing things together as a family at the weekend and your DC are also happy with this. So what is there to resent? It's not like your DC are desperate to take part in extra-curricular activities which you can't afford/can't facilitate due to work/commuting.

EineKleine · 15/04/2017 22:02

We have one child who does quite a few and one who does hardly any.

I schlep them out every week and pay £80 per term or whatever, plus petrol, plus my wasted time hanging about for them. It has literally never crossed my mind that anyone would do and pay all that, committing a fair chunk of their child's and their own evening every week, mainly or completely for the "audience" of other parents. Who cares what they think?

My children are the only people I give enough figs about to justify the time and money that these activities require.

Muminho · 15/04/2017 22:03

Bit judgy. Why do you care if other kids try out a load of stuff? We've always encouraged the DC to have a go at pretty much anything they fancy (luckily they never asked for anything really pricey) - even when money was tight for a few years and it was pretty much our only family luxury. As we hit teenage years DD1 swims daily with her club and DS would play tennis every day if he could. Everything else kind of fell by the wayside but they each found their thing and get a lot of pleasure from it. DD2 is still trying out dance, drama, singing, Rainbows, tennis and swimming (I work 3.5 days so this is thanks to the help of some v kind school mums who don't currently work). Now the older 2 are growing up I'm very glad they have something to get them off screens and take their minds of the pressure of school for a while, as well as meet new people and have the fun of a hobby. They also do standard stuff like hanging out in the village and roaming around town with friends. One of my best friends was v sneery about clubs too and her 15yo is now stuck to his Xbox and computer and sadly very overweight. She now regrets the fact that her DS has no hobbies but it's not at all easy to get a shy teenager to try something new. Appreciate it's hard if you can't afford it but some things e.g. brownies, cubs, school clubs if you have them are pretty cheap.

afromom · 15/04/2017 22:10

My DS has always done lots of extra curricular activities. Like you I was (when he was younger) a single mum. I was lucky to be able to work flexi time to accommodate his clubs.

He did 3 lots of football, rugby, swimming lessons and at one stage beavers. We were here there and everywhere, but he loved them. He was an only child, so this was his company and time to play with his friends outside of school. It was also great for me to have some adult company regularly after school and at weekends. We also lived in a flat, with none of his friends nearby and no garden, so if he wasn't at clubs he would have been cooped up inside!

It cost not more than £15 a week for all of the activities, so not very expensive in the grand scheme of things.

If your situation is working for you then why worry what others are doing. Different families have different reasons for the way they run their lives. Yes there are the competitive parents who push their children into lots of things to 'look good' to others. But I would guess the majority are doing as it works for their family!

wrinkleseverywhere · 15/04/2017 22:26

I work 4 days a week & commute an hour each way; DH works 5 days a week.
We are reliant on after school club & the for childcare. As the DC aren't with us anyway & as we can afford it, they do an activity most days anyway.
DD does complain about one of them a bit but that is simply because she doesn't shine at it. Whenever I ask if she wants to give it up, she immediately says no as she does enjoy it. I'm pleased she hasn't given it up as, as she sails through things at school, I think it is a good life lesson to learn that you have to put some effort into some things & realise that different people have different talents - by chance the one classmate who does this activity with her struggles at school & is brilliant at the activity.
I doubt DD will be doing any of these activities in her teens but I think she is getting some useful skills from them. It won't happen but I do dread someone tapping me on the shoulder & telling me she's amazingly talented & should focus on a particular activity as I don't think I could become a, for example, "swim mum" and be at a pool for 6am every day for years & years.

WipsGlitter · 15/04/2017 22:28

You lost me at "actually spend time with my kids".

My kids do activities, doesn't mean I don't like spending time with them.

Get that chip off your shoulder.

Therealslimshady1 · 15/04/2017 22:31

Yabu for the " I actually like spending time with my children"

....as if you send your kid to a sport they like, just because you hate spending time with them

Why are you so judgy, live and let live

dangermouseisace · 15/04/2017 22:34

some kids want to do lots of clubs, some don't. I think a lot of it depends on what is offered at school as well- there are so many things on at my son's school that I only have to take someone to one other thing most evenings. Which is enough for them and me TBH.

It doesn't sound like your kids are missing out on anything- they do activities and get to spend time being active as a family. I wouldn't worry about comparing your family to others- everyone is different…after all they might be thinking about how nice it would be to do stuff together like your family does.

ScarlettFreestone · 15/04/2017 22:41

If your kids don't like clubs and therefore wouldn't attend them even if you could afford it, why on earth do you care what anyone else does?

Competitive parenting? . More likely kids that just enjoy a variety of activities.

"I like to spend time with my kids" No judgement or competitive parenting inherent in that statement at all.....

SomewhatIdiosyncratic · 15/04/2017 22:43

What I mean by Scouting and Guiding being good all rounders is that they have good access to a diverse range of activities, individual work, group work, community work, being part of a large organisation, trips, residentials etc.

They're great organisations for trying new things, finding out what you're good at and gaining confidence.

Other activities such as swimming have a more specific focus.

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