AIBU - is it my fault my child is being teased ?

[LankySara]

I just had a massive argument with DDs dad.

My DD has a severe language disorder and has been recently introduced to a high tec communication system, e.g. When you press certain keys it talks. There was an incident where DD was being taunted by the other kids by using it. I told DDs dad about this and he went ape he then began to tell me "That she should stop using it at once, if I carry on using it in public or wherever and she gets bullied then it's my fault, that I want his child to stay dumb, that he will teach her to speak normally, that he knows it will help her to speak but she won't be using it everywhere, if we are out and people look at us funny (when she uses it) then I shouldn't be surprised if people look at us funny..l".

When I tried to explain to him that it will help to talk more verbally, he began to call me "stupid, that I don't get it".

AIBU ? Should I stop using DDS talking device in public if she's at risk of ridicule ? Is it my fault that she got bullied ??

Your DD's dad sounds like an arrogant arse in all respects. Any redeeming features or should we assume he is a total twat? How dare he not go to her appointments or engage with any of her therapy but then make unsubstantiated claims about what is good for her! Sorry but it sounds like he really is a bit of a fuckwit and his attitude has really pissed me off just reading about it.

Of course she should use her device.

He sounds like he's embarrassed by her difficulties. How awful for your child. Of course you shouldn't stop using it. Your child has it for a reason. The fact he won't go to any appointments shows he clearly isn't going to be able to teach her anything. Looks like he thinks he can just bully her into being "normal" (horrid word) by taking away the device. Poor kid.

His an ass about everything big. He seems, well to me, not to be embarrassed about DDs difficulties as his told lots of his friends about what she has and doesn't care if people Loki at him funny when his out with DD. But he likes to know that his in the right, that's very much his headset.

He's a fucking arrogant wanker. Ignore him, or better still, dump his sorry arse. Except that then he'd get sole care of your DD for some portion of her time, which would be shit for her, as he'd no doubt take her device off her and attempt to force her to speak, which would equally no doubt put a lot of stress on her, thus reducing her ability to actually speak.

Fucking twat.

I have a friend who was married to an abusive arsehole, who believes that there is "nothing wrong" with their 3 autistic DC, one of whom also has ehlers' danlos and needs a wheelchair - nope, nothing wrong with him at all. He's just lazy, apparently

It's a pride thing for these wankers - they can't cope with the concept that anything that sprang from their DNA isn't completely perfect. He's a loser - please do NOT have any more children with him, and if it's at all possible, get him and your DD away from him before he causes any more psychological damage. :(

Going to work is not a good enough excuse to not attend important appointments for your DCs. I work, but i manage to arrange time off for important appointments. There's compassionate leave, parental leave, emergency dependants leave or even annual leave. There's no excuse for it. The only way your DP will gain an understanding of why your dd needs additional help is by attending some appointments with her.

Sadly not many employers would allow time off for speech therapy appointments

Why are other kids taking the piss out of a kid with an iPad? In your first post, you made it sound like some bizarre contraption that no one had ever seen before. Even a talking iPad would barely register with most other kids.

It seems like your partner thinks that you are exaggerating your daughter's issues for attention/sympathy, which I admit I wondered at first, but you've said she's in a special education unit and sees healthcare professionals, so how is he not seeing her issues? I mean, I know denial can be a powerful thing, but he's using this as a stick to beat you with. Does he blame you for her speech and language issues? Is there a particular reason for them, or is it just one of those things.

He needs to shape up or ship out. It's bad enough having a child with disabilities, without having a nob like him to worry about.

To people saying he's a bad parent for not going to speech therapy, that's not necessarily fair. He's a bad parent because he's an arsehole. My DD is deaf, and I've almost never attended one of her appointments. I can't drive, and they tended to be miles away, so we would schedule them on DHs day off so he could take her, while I was at work. It didn't need both of us traipsing around the countryside, and me losing money by missing work. DH was used to her condition, familiar with the consultant and audiologist, and was far less likely than me to get pissy if things weren't going well. Denial is very common when you have a child with additional needs. I cried for a week when she first got her hearing aids, as I was scared people were going to be mean to her (she wasn't remotely bothered, and no one was mean to her anyway). Other family members said things like "oh she can hear fine" or "does she really need those things? Can't she just listen properly" 🙄. I just ignored them, and repeated "we are just following the doctor's advice" every time someone made a stupid comment.

Following what others have just said - if you were feeling up to getting the hell out of a relationship with this idiot (I hope you are) I think you would have reasonable grounds to only allow him supervised contact. He ignores and refuses to hear the advice of experts with regards to your daughter and attempts to prevent her using an aid that dramatically improves things for her. Not exactly responsible is he?

This attitude is not uncommon from the parent who is not doing all the hard work with their DC with SN.
They let one parent do the appointments, forms, reviews and meetings but feel able to criticise and point out all the things they are doing wrong and how they are damaging the child.
Making things worse
Exaggerating things
Being attention seeking.

Usually accompanied by 'my mum says if you just left her to it she would be fine' or 'my friends cousin had that and they grew out of it, leave him alone' etc.

Then they feck off back to work/hobby/watching tv whilst the other parent carries on doing the slog.

Ask your OH this 'do you want our daughter to be without language, without communication? If you remove her communication aid she will be in the group of children most vulnerable to abuse'.

See what he is more concerned about. People looking at her or putting her at risk.

TheFirst, your comment made me smile!

My ds has severe food allergies. Many well meaning friends and relatives commented, "leave him with me for a week, I would feed him proper food and it will be all cured!"
It's not a food fussyness, it's a food allergy. I was thinking in my head, no, you would kill him instead.

Love, he's an arse who is putting his desire to always be right above his daughter's well being. I also bet your confidence would improve tons if you left him, which frankly I would consider doing if I were you.

Also, should people like Steven Hawking stop using devices to help them speak just in case some someone mocks them? No! The same applies to your daughter - ignore your idiot partner and let your daughter have the help she needs.

If your employer does not allow time off you take annual leave; that is what i have to do & thousands of other parents (mums mainly i would guess)

I must admit my first thought is that the school seems to have an atmosphere problem if kids are teasing her for it - I can't imagine that happening at either of the schools my DS has been too (in fact, they'd have all thought it was fantastic I expect) - there were and are kids with various issues and various types of support and it's all very matter of fact with the kids - 'X can't do Y, so when she plays Gaga ball we change the rule for her so she pick the ball up and throw it' or whatever.

As to your partner, everyone else has already covered it.

Yes wombling Her needs are very severe, she's 7 and her speech and understanding is of a 4 year old. I hope it's not my fault ?!! It just seems like she was just born with her difficulties.

Even when he has days off, like the one time I told him to come to an appointment, I literally had to beg, remind him over 100 times to come. There seems to be always an excuse, he won't even contribute to DDs private therapy lessons as he thinks they are a waste of money and it's all on me as it's my choice that I want to do that, not him.

It wasn't at my DDs school, it was at some sort of holiday club; they noticed his talking IPad as the leader introduced it to the children to make sure that no one else plays with it and that it's to help DD with her talking.

Thanks thefirst I did ask him that.. and he replied "... oh my gosh you don't get it ! If she didn't have this device what will she use ?!! She will have to use her voice, isn't ?!!". Reasoning with him is like talking to a repetitive parrot, it doesn't go anywhere.

Oh love he's being a complete prick!
Would he consider counselling to help him get over whatever deep seated anxieties he has over wanting to improve his child's life?

As an aside - look into a battery pack for the iPad, we do a lot of pokemoning in this house which drains the batteries but the power pack will recharge from 0-100% four times. I use a short charger lead and the kids just hold it behind the phone/iPad whilst they play.
I also have an extra one stashed in the car.
Been a game changer - especially for DS who is quite panicky (another story) and relies quite heavily on screens atm.

fera he will never go to counselling. That will majorly effect his ego !

Thanks for the tips. DD has a communication book and I use Makaton with her if her iPad died out.

After your post at 9:58:29 I think he sounds a bit of a (in his words) ...dunce ?

So if he thinks she would have to talk if she didn't have the device, how does he account for the fact that she didn't talk before she had it?

Frankly, the man is an utter fool.

Of course it's not your fault that you child has these difficulties. But you shouldn't have to pay for her therapy, or indeed for her communication aid. Does she have an EHC Plan?

ceto exactly ! DD is at a language unit and has an EHCP in place. But I do additional private sessions (only once a week) as her language needs are very severe and I can have an idea on what I can work on at home.

Its certainly not your fault. Youre doing the best for your child.
Have you been to.school about this.
I mean where's teacher while all this bullying and disablist behavior is going on

Thank you zen and Marma I don't know why I am with him. I guess it's because I've been with him for such a long time I can't let go of him.

Yes you can.

Your self esteem and confidence will improve massively without this arrogant self deluded arsehole dragging you & DD down.

My daughter is a speech therapist and did a four year uni course, after two years working since graduation she's still learning and training. But if he's got a cure, well maybe she will be out off a job!
It's all about giving someone a voice, making themselves heard and able to make choices. Why would her own father try to take that away from her because of some silly children, it's much too important.
I also have a son with aspergers who's grown up now, but I had to stand in the playground while other mums looked at him oddly while he flapped or what ever, I know it's hard but you have got to do what's best for your child.
Communication is so important please don't take it away, ignore the idiot!