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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - is it my fault my child is being teased ?

107 replies

LankySara · 15/04/2017 00:24

I just had a massive argument with DDs dad.

My DD has a severe language disorder and has been recently introduced to a high tec communication system, e.g. When you press certain keys it talks. There was an incident where DD was being taunted by the other kids by using it. I told DDs dad about this and he went ape he then began to tell me "That she should stop using it at once, if I carry on using it in public or wherever and she gets bullied then it's my fault, that I want his child to stay dumb, that he will teach her to speak normally, that he knows it will help her to speak but she won't be using it everywhere, if we are out and people look at us funny (when she uses it) then I shouldn't be surprised if people look at us funny..l".

When I tried to explain to him that it will help to talk more verbally, he began to call me "stupid, that I don't get it".

Sad AIBU ? Should I stop using DDS talking device in public if she's at risk of ridicule ? Is it my fault that she got bullied ??

OP posts:
QueenofLouisiana · 15/04/2017 07:21

He's being a twat. I'm both a SENCO and a mother of a child who uses things that make him look different in order to deal with a learning difficulty. I think he's being very unhelpful no matter which view I take- professional or parental.

My DH encourages, supports and helps to organise our DS to make using the equipment easier. He can't make all the appointments, but does as many as possible, works through the exercises we need to do and makes dinner if I'm at appointments and he gets home first. We share this part of parenting as much as any other. We've also cried together- at times with relief when we realised that there were things to help DS, sometimes with dispose as living with DS's condition can be frustrating.

Can you persuade him to talk to a professional so that he can learn first hand about the huge benefits of this system alongside the Makaton and comms book?

As for the taunting- that needs to be stopped. Please talk to school/ club so that it is addressed. Our children need to know that is is important to use their equipment, not feel that others are stopping them. Curiosity about the device is fine (children often want to try DS's stuff to see what difference it makes to them- not a lot), winding up about it isn't.

Original poster
LankySara · 15/04/2017 07:24

I've read your blog before devillish, just looking at it now. I don't blame DDs dad that much as I also had reservations and was heartbroken when they thought it would be best for DD to have one but I gave it a try and took it upon myself to learn everything about it. DDs dad doesn't want to know anything.

OP posts:
Original poster
LankySara · 15/04/2017 07:26

queen thank you, it was like a holiday club and I have reported it to the manager/

OP posts:
Original poster
LankySara · 15/04/2017 07:30

Your DS is so good devil ! DD is still trying to work around her one ! What age was your DS introduced to it and how long did it take for him to use it effec ?

OP posts:
Original poster
LankySara · 15/04/2017 07:31

Sorry..:. Effectively ? Did you implement his AAC all the time ? Or did you do things alongside that like Makaton, pictures ?

OP posts:
Deathraystare · 15/04/2017 07:31

As for him teaching her "to speak normally" - has something been stopping him from exercising his superior teaching skills so far?

Nice one, Deadgood! They have all the answers, don't they??!!!

Devilishpyjamas · 15/04/2017 07:35

TBH people have a thousand different reasons to look at ds1 - if they gawd I tell them not to stare. I was never worried about taking it out.

Unfortunately his needs are now very complex. But we keep adapting.

NotYoda · 15/04/2017 07:37

God, what must it be like living with someone so wilfully ignorant and unable to be educated?

I understand that he may be denying your child's disability, but if it's to this extent then he's in danger of joining those people who are damaging her through their behaviour and attitudes. And I'd be telling him that

You need to robustly challenge the bullying.

MamaHanji · 15/04/2017 07:37

I think that if your husband doesn't stop being an absolute ignorant twat, your daughter is going to grow up have such complexes about being a 'dunce', when all she really needs is some additional aids to communicate and get her words...

I don't understand how he can refuse to see his own child's needs over his embarrassment. And that's what it sounds like. It sounds like he's embarrassed that she needs extra support.

You sound fantastic. He sounds awful.

SabineUndine · 15/04/2017 07:37

He's a prat. An utter prat. He's refusing to accept your DD has a disability and ignoring what is best for her. If he won't get involved in her assessments, that says all you need to know about him. I'd dump a guy who behaved like this. You are doing what is is best for your daughter. Concentrate on that.

NotYoda · 15/04/2017 07:38

"Can you persuade him to talk to a professional so that he can learn first hand about the huge benefits of this system alongside the Makaton and comms book?"

I agree. If he won't listen to you, OP, then he must be persuaded to listen to someone else.

Batgirlspants · 15/04/2017 07:44

Your dh sounds like the worst bully here op. Both go you and to your dd.

To be honest people may well look as it's something different like people using sign language but the vast majority of people are just interested not looking in a nasty way. There's always the odd prats of course.

I think your main problem here is your partner.

Ceto · 15/04/2017 08:08

Given that he claims to know so much about it, he clearly needs to talk to your daughter's speech and language therapist to discuss it with her and tell her where she's going wrong.

Original poster
LankySara · 15/04/2017 08:08

I think your right Not I think it will and it is very frustrating being with someone who doesn't want to educate themselves and think their view is right.

OP posts:
NotYoda · 15/04/2017 08:13

Has he got a mental block about this, or does it show itself in other ways, about other issues?

Original poster
LankySara · 15/04/2017 08:15

His like this regardless not in other aspects. His way is right or no one or anything will prove him otherwise.

OP posts:
LindyHemming · 15/04/2017 08:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NotYoda · 15/04/2017 08:20

So really, on this big parenting issue where you need support and to be on the same page, this has brought his general arrogance into the spotlight

zen1 · 15/04/2017 08:29

You must be so frustrated Lanky. Agree with others that your OH sounds as if he's in denial (and he also sounds like a bigot). He really needs to attend the SALT appointments so he can attempt to understand the benefits of her device / the severity of your daughter's condition (ie that he won't just be able to 'teach' her to speak normally). Do you have reports from the therapist with recommendations that you can show him to back you up?

I have a DS with a language disorder (not as severe as your DD) and he will never speak like a person who doesn't have one. He just doesn't pick up language in the same way. He also can't write and is currently being assessed for a communication device at school which he can use to communicate his thoughts through clicking on words and pictures (has co-ordination problems too so typing in the traditional sense is not an option at the moment). Anything that makes his life easier I am on-board with and that needs to be where your OH is at.

Mamia15 · 15/04/2017 08:39

Why are you with him then?

hazeyjane · 15/04/2017 08:43

My ds is nearly 7 and has a severe expressive language disorder, he also uses a device (with varying success!!) Dh can't make it to all the appointment's but does when he can and is totally on board, learning Makaton and using the device. It does sound as though your dh is so entrenched in his thinking it maybe hard together him on board. I have found with ds that it only takes one person being ignorant about his device or signing for him to become reluctant to use it (eg someone at school saying, 'you don't need to use that thing/sign, use your big boy voice'.....still fuming about this!)

If you or anyone who has someone in their family that uses a device or is about to, wants to join me over on the sn boards, I have started a thread here www.mumsnet.com/Talk/special_needs/2903900-AAC-using-a-communication-device-support-and-frustration-thread-come-on-in?watched=1

user789653241 · 15/04/2017 08:45

My ds was selective mute as a toddler. He was ridiculed by other children at toddler groups. It was heart breaking experience, but I didn't stop going. Otherwise he will never experience interaction with other children. He never talked to other children in nursery/pre-school. We still sent him there. It may have been different if he has shown distress, he didn't. We also had lots of intervention, etc.

Your dd wants to use it. IMO, that's only thing that matter.

thethoughtfox · 15/04/2017 08:47

He sounds really thick/ ignorant.

Original poster
LankySara · 15/04/2017 09:02

Thank you zen and Marma I don't know why I am with him. I guess it's because I've been with him for such a long time I can't let go of him.

Thanks hazeyjane I will join the thread, it will be good to share ideas and whatnot.

I'm a very insecure person and hate bringing attention to myself in public but I've been getting my confidence back since DD using her device in public. But after my OH comments, I'm feeling insecure once again about using it.

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 15/04/2017 09:02

Is he this much of an arsehole about other stuff, or just the welfare of his child?

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