AIBU - is it my fault my child is being teased ?

[LankySara]

I just had a massive argument with DDs dad.

My DD has a severe language disorder and has been recently introduced to a high tec communication system, e.g. When you press certain keys it talks. There was an incident where DD was being taunted by the other kids by using it. I told DDs dad about this and he went ape he then began to tell me "That she should stop using it at once, if I carry on using it in public or wherever and she gets bullied then it's my fault, that I want his child to stay dumb, that he will teach her to speak normally, that he knows it will help her to speak but she won't be using it everywhere, if we are out and people look at us funny (when she uses it) then I shouldn't be surprised if people look at us funny..l".

When I tried to explain to him that it will help to talk more verbally, he began to call me "stupid, that I don't get it".

AIBU ? Should I stop using DDS talking device in public if she's at risk of ridicule ? Is it my fault that she got bullied ??

Of course it is not your fault she is being bullied.

If he is so keen to help her to speak 'normally', let him try.

Where did the bullying take place, was it at school, if so then school should be dealing with it. If it was a social club, etc, then ditto.

How old if your dd? She can take charge of the machine herself, to some degree, maybe you could programme in some set replies to the machine. If you don't understand this just ask me? Or something like that. Also, just maybe, the manufacturers could advise on education for your dds school so other kids see this as just a normal piece of equipment, etc.

"I'm worried about using it in public as people do look at us when I use it with her."

What do you mean by public? in the street, at school?

School seems a logical place.

In the street, maybe build up to it.

LankySara "DDs would not go to see the speech therapist, his too proud. He did have a chance too but he had work." Does this mean your dd's dad is too proud to go to the speech therapist?

I think your partner needs to come to terms with the fact his dd has a problem with speech and he needs to get on board in finding ways that will be helpful to her.

It's nothing to be ashamed of and I don't understand how anyone could be too proud to help his child.

I wonder if maybe he is too scared?

maybe it's new to him and he doesn't know how to cope. He wasn't expecting this. I am guessing you were not either. But maybe as the main carer (if you are) or maybe as a mum, you've come to terms with it quicker than he has.

Help him to get on board.

He sounds like a selfish prick. Why would you disable your child to avoid curious looks? People do notice things that are different/unusual, that shouldn't be a huge problem. The bullying was solely the responsibility of the bullies.

Would he be the same if she needed glasses or a hearing aid, or a stick?

Its all about his ego. And a lack of understanding. I have relatives who told.me.off for teaching DD to use photo cards as i "should have just taught her to speak". I wish.

We aren't all the same. Admittedly I'd turn look. Because I'd be interested in the tech out there to help her, not to ridicule your dd. It is fab your dd has this device and it would be very unwise to limit her usage of it because of parental embarrassment. The only time to do this is if you were told it could be detrimental to her in some way, which doesn't sound like the case. I don't know how old your dd is. But I'd basically take the tack with her that some people's parents never taught them about people, who are diffent like them. So they don't know how to react and sometimes their reactions are very inappropriate. It sounds as if her dads reaction is equally inappropriate.

I'd liken this to a family member refusing Stephen hawking from using his speech device, when he has so much to offer to the world. Your dd has the right to offer everything she has to the world as well.

I wonder if your dp suffered a lot of bullying as a child , and is projecting? I think your comments about him not going to the SLT are unfair, you say yourself he had to work!
Has the device been prescribed by a health professional or is it something you have bought independently. I do not see how it will encourage her to talk herself?

Of course you must keep using it.

Your OH is BVU. However suspect he just feels protective of your DD and utterly out of his depth in this whole situation rather than being a horrible person

Obviously you have to do whatever is the best thing for DD

I'd imagine that it has been introduced by SLT and will very much help with her speaking.

That is what I assume as well LouKout.

ttac.odu.edu/the-impact-of-aac-on-natural-speech-production/

that he will teach her to speak normally,

He doesn't mind her going speech therapy he just isn't that bothered about going himself.

How exactly does he plan to help her speak properly, if he isn't interested in learning how to help her? With all the will in the world, he does (I assume) not have the knowledge to tackle a severe disorder without help....

My daughter currently has OT for help with sensory issues. I take her the majority of the time, because her appts are on my day of, but dh will learn all about what she did, what homework the OT gave her, and encourage it.

Your partner is your daughter's advocate, as are you. If he is wanting to hide a away a device that can improve her life, I would have to reassess what his intentions are, and why he is hell bent on not helping his daughter with her disability.

spring it was introduced by her speech and language therapist (oh and she's 7 by the way). Since she's had it, she has added new words to her vocabulary. It helps to develop her speech quite a lot. I'm annoyed as he always has an excuse not to come to any of DDs assessment, ok yes he was working. But he has not been (apart from 1) to any of DDs assessments since she's been born.

Could he be in denial she has a disability??

If he is generally okay in other aspects this could be his way of dealing with it.

My DD has cf, we found out a few weeks after she was born and were told then that sufferers arent expected to live past 40 and sent home with bags and bags of medications. My ex was in complete denial, he avoided giving her any of her wtreatment and if i got sad he would talk about it like she had something easily treatable/minor. We have a psychologist attached to her team and I brought it up with her and she explained that his way of dealing with it was burying his head in the sand and minimizing it to block out the sadness, after a few sessions he is much more on board now.

He also was 'always working' through appointments and would use that as excuses that he didnt know much about her treatments.

If it's helping her to communicate, then she should continue to use it.

I would guess that the looks you're getting in public are curious - because this sort of equipment is unusual - rather than judgmental. And not a reason to discourage your DD from using the device in public if she wants to use it.

Sorry, just woke up and reading all these messages.

Ty it's helpful for parents to be present at speech and language sessions so they can do the same at home.

Yes I am starting to feel a bit cautious about using it in public since the incident. She's in a language unit so no issues at her school.

He doesn't understand how speech and language therapy works so I'm guessing he thinks he can just force her to talk ? Like for him to get her to repeat words (it's not like that at all). But when I try to explain to him, he doesn't want to listen and he thinks his right.

His argument is that she can't take her device everywhere, because these high tec would either break or lose battery (as DD carries it with her at all times) so if that happens what would DD need to do "she will have no choice but to use her voice". But I explained to him that all the Makaton I taught her would come in handy and she has a communication book which replicates the communication aid, so she can point to symbols. But he kept saying " I'm so stupid, I don't get it, I'm not understanding what his saying". He then got fed up and said "do what you want, when is around her he will treat her like a normal child, when she's around me I'm treating as a special needs, that I want DS to stay a dunce".

I then told him "That why should I allow what other people think of DD have an impact on the way I want to help or teach her, I know this device will help her to communicate". He replied that it's not that but if I use the device all the time I am subjecting her to bullying.

Your partner sounds an idiot.

You are right - the device will encourage her speech. My son has a device - I found a lot of kids are very interested in it and will ask questions. If they are being vile about the device they would be vile about her speech as well. Far ore kids have taken the piss out of my son for the noises he makes (loads) versus his AAC device (none)

Your partner doesn't get it at all.
I'll link to my blog below (know that's not usually allowed) - go right back to the beginning of it. I started it after a mumsneter donated a very expensive device (he now has an iPad running an app of the device - which is another option if he's that bothered - the device is better than the iPad imo though). If you look through you can see it went everywhere with him - including the beach pretty much every week.

It doesn't come out now as he usually refuses to use it (nothing to do with other people, everything to do with epilepsy) m. His life was FAR easier when he would use it.

Http:alifeunlimited.wordpress.com

So the blog was basically about the communication device for the first however many years.

And it brought him on enormously. He has regressed so far in all areas since he stopped using it easily. His life is genuinely a shadow of what it was.

This blog by another mother is probably more relevant to you and really shows the Advantages niederfamily.blogspot.co.uk/?m=1

That first post on the other mothers blog / about the leap would be a good one to show your partner. (She gave a device to her typically developing son at 17 months).

Thank you devillish . Was you too also reserved taking it out in public ? What made you not care about what others thought ?

DD has the communication aide on an IPad, but that iPad has no games on it or anything and it's always on guided access. The proper devices are expensive ! And the particular programme I use only works on Apple products.

I read the nfielders family blog quite a lot. I'm sorry your DS regressed so much without it, have you ever thought about putting it onto a phone so it can be more accessible to him ? Or use a communication book ?