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AIBU?

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Original poster

How bad is it that I do this?

32 replies

user1491572121 · 14/04/2017 11:16

I'm happily married with two children...really love DH. The last boyfriend before DH really broke my heart. He was a very gifted man but very messed up and also a heroin addict.

Besides the heroin though, he was a brilliant, award winning writer and knew a lot about music of all kinds.

Over the years (18!) I have often thought about him as he just dropped off the radar....I used to check now and then to see if he'd published anything new but there was nothing after we split.

This is a man who'd had great success with his plays and also a book.

Where could he be? I used to worry he was dead...none of our mutual friends knew where he was either.

Then....last week...I discovered he has begun DJing on a community radio station which I can get online.

I listen to him weekly...I find his voice comforting because I had had this thread of worry about him all these years and because frankly, he has amazing taste in music and I hear great things that he plays.

Is this wrong of me? I've not mentioned it to DH at all as I would then have to say I'd googled him.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 14/04/2017 11:19

It sounds like you hero-worship him a bit.

I'm not sure if that's 'wrong' but it's a bit strange after 18 years Confused

Original poster
user1491572121 · 14/04/2017 11:24

Worra I don't think it's hero worship...we were very much equals. I mentioned his successes to illustrate the type of person he is...and to show why I would google him.

It is a bit strange isn't it though. :(

Do people not think about their exes then?

OP posts:
FittonTower · 14/04/2017 11:24

Don't think there's much wrong with being curious about ex-partners. Relationships are such huge things in our lives then they just disappear, of course we wonder what happened next in the lives of significant people to us.
Obsessing about an ex is slightly different, just make sure you're not doing that.

whifflesqueak · 14/04/2017 11:25

I had a relationship with a relatively famous and gifted musician who was a serious heroin and crack user, so I sympathise with a lot that you say.

but I hardly think of him at all anymore. when his songs come on the radio, my skin crawls. I was obsessed with him for a while but now all I see is his faults. his selfishness. his criminality.

if he wandered back into my life I would flee with my husband and children.

probably not much help to you, just felt I had to share that since our stories are so similar.

Original poster
user1491572121 · 14/04/2017 11:28

Thank you Whiffle it really was a significant period in my life and we were together for three years so it's not something I'd never think about again I don't think.

Now you've mentioned it though, if he came into my life I'd run a mile! I think I might be at a point where I'm evaluating things and of course, we look back at crossroads of the past and think about things when we do that.

OP posts:
whifflesqueak · 14/04/2017 11:31

my relationship was a year long. he moved into my flat on day one so it was very intense which explains a lot of the obsessiveness after we split. and I did kind of hero worship him. he had a beautiful mind and some fame.

everyone looks up their exes don't they. are you hoping he'll mention you or a moment you shared? would you like to think that he still thinks of you?

Birdsgottaf1y · 14/04/2017 11:33

There's been female posters who have written similar threads about their DH tracking down an ex and they've all been told to confront their Partner and if he won't let the ex go for good, then end things.

Is your curiosity now satisfied and will you eave well alone? Either way your Partner has justifiable reasons for feeling hurt at your interest.

Original poster
user1491572121 · 14/04/2017 11:34

Whiffle my ex also moved in quite quickly...that sounds like they were both reliant due to their inability to cope with basic shit! Grin

I hadn't thought of him mentioning me. I don't think he would though he doesn't speak about his personal life. Oddly I hadn't thought of him thinking of me...I'd never request him on social media though he's popped up with various accounts now when he had none over the years.

He must have been and got clean. Which is good.

OP posts:
Original poster
user1491572121 · 14/04/2017 11:36

Birds funny thing is that I genuinely think DH wouldn't care. He's just not like that. He's so secure in himself that I had a different ex call me out of the blue a few years back and when I told DH he said "Oh we shoud ask him and his wife round for dinner!"

He had no thought that it might be odd. He only thought of the fact that my ex and I had once been good mates.

OP posts:
TestingTestingWonTooFree · 14/04/2017 11:39

I think passively listening to his show is harmless. You probably need to work out the boundaries now. It's safest not to make any contact now. You can be reassured that he's ok without him knowing.

DalaHorse · 14/04/2017 11:42

What would be gained from contact? Would you be satisfied with one meeting? How/what would you tell dh? What if the ex made it clear he had some feelings for you still?

Too much at stake. Turn the radio off Smile

highinthesky · 14/04/2017 11:45

Are you mad? Why are you creating a fantasy around this ex? He is an ex with good reason. A heroin addict can never be trusted with something as precious as your heart.

If there's a gap in your life, find some other way to fill it.

Original poster
user1491572121 · 14/04/2017 11:47

Horse I never said I wanted to contact him Confused

High no perfectly sane thank you. There's no gap. Once I knew he was alive, I was glad. Then I just wanted to hear the music.

OP posts:
TheFirstMrsDV · 14/04/2017 11:49

There can be a tendency to romanticise the tortured and flawed artist.
Why do you think they get the women?
When I think back to my old bfs they are willowy, long haired, wild and interesting.
Except they were not. They were smelly, unreliable, self obsessed and skinny.

He may be a nice guy underneath it all. Addiction is an illness and all that.
But that doesn't make him someone to be dreaming about.

Or maybe you are yearning for your younger years before you found responsibility rather than it being about him?

.

ElspethFlashman · 14/04/2017 11:50

Listening to him once out of curiosity I would easily understand.

Listening to him every week, no. You call him gifted, a great success and clearly admire him. He apparently has amazing taste in music.

Tbh it's a crock of shit. There are loads of DJs you could get online that have"amazing" taste in music. Listen to them instead. You're getting your fix of nostalgia every week.

You're actively choosing to put your ex, who you clearly admire very much, back into your head for 2/3 hours each week. Why?

Original poster
user1491572121 · 14/04/2017 11:53

There's no romance about it. I'm under no illusion. He's a middle aged man who last had success 18 years ago.

Even then he was no Byron...he was never that physically attractive.

I don't know what it is! I might leave off listening as the concensus seems to be that it's bad.

OP posts:
Itaintme · 14/04/2017 11:53

It's fine to live inside your head for a couple of hours a week.

BeIIatrixLeStrange · 14/04/2017 11:54

I wouldn't worry about it OP. I have looked up ex's on facebook just to be nosey

Dulcimena · 14/04/2017 11:58

I think I might feel a tiny bit guilty if I was doing this. I do think about exes randomly sometimes and wonder how they are, what they're doing, but like you I'd never dream of contacting them. Thinking about it, it's exactly the same with friends I've fallen out of touch with for whatever reason, I'd not reach out to them either but it'd be nice to know that they're well and happy. I don't think there's any harm in it but I'd feel a bit uncomfortable if I thought it might upset my DH. If your DH wouldn't be bothered then there's no issue, could you mention that you came across the show and enjoy it? I tend to think that guilty-ish secrets can be more damaging than something like listening to a radio show.

TheFirstMrsDV · 14/04/2017 12:11

Its not 'bad'.
You are not doing anything wrong.
Its only an issue if it interferes with your life.

I can't remember the full names of any of my exs (can't remember some of them at all...). If I did, I would be looking them up to see what they look like.

TeacupsAndDaffodils · 14/04/2017 12:16

He sounds like Billy Mac in Love Actually Grin
Op you are trying to see the positives but all those are overshadowed by two big main points

  1. very messed up and also a heroin addict and moved on very quickly when you broke up
  2. He got clean and never came looking for you.
I'd forget about your Ex (He is an Ex for a very good reason) and focus on your marriage and family.
floraeasy · 14/04/2017 12:17

His initials aren't AP are they Wink?

floraeasy · 14/04/2017 12:18

No, hang on, that was a Toblerone addiction...!

DalaHorse · 14/04/2017 12:43

Sorry op. I read testings post above which mentioned contact, so I thought it was on the cards.

TBH I think everyone wonders occasionally what their exs are doing now but it does seem like this guy is on a pedestal and it would be easy for you to make contact now you know where he is working. I just think it's almost so easy as a next step that you should withdraw from listening or the temptation might get to you one day.

ElspethFlashman · 14/04/2017 12:52

Whether you intend at the moment to meet him or not, he now has a weekly "presence" in your life.

What's the point?