How bad is it that I do this?

[user1491572121]

I'm happily married with two children...really love DH. The last boyfriend before DH really broke my heart. He was a very gifted man but very messed up and also a heroin addict.

Besides the heroin though, he was a brilliant, award winning writer and knew a lot about music of all kinds.

Over the years (18!) I have often thought about him as he just dropped off the radar....I used to check now and then to see if he'd published anything new but there was nothing after we split.

This is a man who'd had great success with his plays and also a book.

Where could he be? I used to worry he was dead...none of our mutual friends knew where he was either.

Then....last week...I discovered he has begun DJing on a community radio station which I can get online.

I listen to him weekly...I find his voice comforting because I had had this thread of worry about him all these years and because frankly, he has amazing taste in music and I hear great things that he plays.

Is this wrong of me? I've not mentioned it to DH at all as I would then have to say I'd googled him.

I had a five year relationship with a beautiful, clever, manipulative, charming ex-junkie. There were very very good times and some not so good, not terrible. We were both into music, now (20 years later) I only listen to new stuff, because our favourites can make me feel quite sad. I would never say that to my current partner, although he knows all about my past. I don't think you're doing anything wrong and anyway it sounds as if your DH wouldn't even mind.

@whifflesqueak soooo curious to know who it was! As I had a crush on a very similar sounding musician & id still be a bit jealous if it was him

I have an ex who was/is a musician. Thankfully without the addiction issues, though.

I will periodically listen to his music, new and old, and have a little 'what if' to myself, but these moments always fade after a while. It's just harmless fantasy.

Of course it's not 'bad'. You don't cheat on your partner via listening to music. That would be pushing it even for the most jealous people...

As long as you aren't planning on meeting up with him, enjoy your radio station!

he now has a weekly "presence" in your life

No more than Broadchurch or Riverdale may have a weekly presence in her life.

It's only the same if her ex was David Tennant.

I used to be very focused on my writing and thought I had future career as an author. However, my controlling ex pushed me into drug use, and my life fell apart. I have recently just got myself clean and started work on local radio. However, my ex has started stalking me, and it is making all the old demons one back. What should I do?