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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Parenting - easier now or 'back in the day'?

173 replies

Coughandsplutter · 14/04/2017 07:11

Posting for traffic tbh. Ive got a toddler of 2.5 and a baby of 4 weeks. Yesterday I was chatting to parents about how bringing up kids has changed. Mum was telling me about her silver cross pram with seat fitted on top for me to sit on while sibling was in pram. She was on about terry towelling nappies and having to boil them clean. It wasn't a "we had it tougher" conversation, just a comparison between times. My parents didn't have much money or grandparent support so perhaps their situation is different from most. Mum had no car so everywhere she went was on the bus or walking. We talked about how pubs, supermarkets, shopping centres etc are all now very child friendly with changing facilities etc.

Not really expressing myself well as I'm very tired but what do others think. Was bringing up kids in 70-80s harder? Or 50s? Or was it just different pressures? Was life simpler then in some ways - no Facebook photo 'competitions' of who's having best Easter and check ins to the latest trampoline Park. Or is it easier now?

OP posts:
Gottagetmoving · 14/04/2017 08:58

I don't think you can compare then and now. Life in the 50s and 60s and even the 70s was totally different to life now. It's like different worlds.
I think life was simpler back then and there wasn't so much pressure as there is to day. People's expectations were different and I don't think they compared themselves to others or competed so much.
Whether today is better, I don't know. One thing is for sure, as you get older you start to not recognise the world you live in any more but for those born into today's world, it's just normal.

WateryTart · 14/04/2017 08:59

Starzz, while agreeing with some of what you said, I really can't let some of it pass.

I'm in my 60s and was never smacked by anyone and my DCs haven't ever been smacked. It wasn't as common as you think. I wasn't thrown in the back of a car because we didn't have one, a lot of people didn't. But both DCs (70s/80s) had car seats.

Bullying is much more common now than it ever was, I say this as a teacher who has had to deal with it over the years. One of my closest friends when I was 18 was a gay man, out and proud in the 60s. A lot were and suffered no more bullying than happens now.

starzzzz · 14/04/2017 09:02

Watery, but just because it didn't happen to you doesn't mean that it didn't happen to other children and more importantly in some ways, was viewed as completely socially acceptable.

Again, with regard to car seats, just because you didn't have a car doesn't mean that children weren't expected to do long journeys without them (and shorter journeys in the boot!)

I really can't agree about bullying. It was awful when I was young and teachers didn't deal with it at all. I think bullying will always be around, but at least now victims of it have to be taken seriously and aren't blamed for causing it in some way.

Do you really think someone could walk into a typical comprehensive in the 80s/90s and say 'I'm gay!' and not be crucified? It's possible it was just my school of course.

Squills · 14/04/2017 09:06

I had my children in the 70's and I often get the impression on MN that people think parents at that time were abusive. We were not - we loved our children in the same way as mothers do today. Contrary to what a previous poster said, we didn't all bring our children up in the same way.

I had the Silvercross pram combo - baby in pram with seat on top for toddler and I often put the pram outside in the garden with net over it when the weather was nice. It wasn't to let my baby scream - I never left my children to cry. I loved my pram! I used to walk miles with it - shopping in the tray under the pram, any additional bags hanging from a clip on the handle and two children - I was fit and toned as were my friends.

I breastfed both my babies till they were nearly one year old and used terry towelling nappies - I had 48 nappies which I boiled in a twin tub. I loved to see my washing line full of lovely white fluffy nappies. There were disposables but they weren't very effective and leaked.

At that time there was little provision for mums with chidren - no mother and child parking, no changing facilities, nowhere to breastfeed, no buggy space on busses - we just got on with things in the best way we could.

Sadly I think today's mothers and children are fearful. I don't think you can say whether parenting was easier then or now... some had it easy, some not - pretty much as it is today.

WateryTart · 14/04/2017 09:08

My DCs went to the local comp and both had gay friends, it wasn't as issue. There were a few predicable types who name called but they were held in contempt by the rest.

The school didn't tolerate bullying, bullies were out on their ears after a first warning.

Sparklingbrook · 14/04/2017 09:08

I was bullied throughout school. DS1 was bullied at High School to the extent we had to move him to another school.

VintagePerfumista · 14/04/2017 09:09

Bullying has always existed and as long as children are brought up with that insidious cruel streak that so many of them have, it always will. Back in the day you'd be thumped, or they'd wait for you outside the gates. Now they post malicious crap about you on social media.

Kids are probably statistically more likely to get run over these days because a) they're looking at their phone while on the street b) they were never allowed out to play so aren't capable of dealing with road safety like we were. (Tufty Club badges anyone?)

A paradox I think is that despite more women working full-time these days they do the micro-managing of their kids' lives so much more. The angst and trauma not just about school-aged kids but about university students! In my day you did your homework, on your own, or with your mates, because it was yours. Ditto university stuff.

starzzzz · 14/04/2017 09:11

I am certainly not claiming in any way shape or form that bullying somehow disappeared along with cassette tapes and videos.

However, what I do think is different is our attitudes towards bullies and bullying. Not in every case, sadly, but many.

I have never ever known bullying take place on social media but unlike some on here just because I haven't experienced something doesn't mean I don't recognise it exists.

pineapplecrush · 14/04/2017 09:13

I agree with Sybil too.

Squills · 14/04/2017 09:17

Again, with regard to car seats, just because you didn't have a car doesn't mean that children weren't expected to do long journeys without them (and shorter journeys in the boot!)

What are you talking about!!!

Child car seats weren't always around - it's not as if we were given a choice and decided not to use them! As for putting a child in the boot - words fail me. You have an extremely distorted and inaccurate viewpoint.

Parents loved their children then as they do now - your arrogance is astonishing!

UppityHumpty · 14/04/2017 09:19

@Squills - travelling in the boot of a car was quite a common occurance amongst poorer folk. My friends and I were often bundled in there (top removed) with a dog/luggage as required even on the motorway. Nobody gave a shit

starzzzz · 14/04/2017 09:20

I'm not being arrogant Squills, I'm pointing out that a poster who took issue with my post because it didn't happen to her isn't entirely correct because just because it's not her experience doesn't mean it's nobody's.

There have always been shit parents. Now, shit parents are slated by society. Then, shit parents were encouraged. That's the difference.

starzzzz · 14/04/2017 09:21

Same Uppity, it wasn't even lack of money for us. We would go to France and return with a car filled with booze and children just sort of crammed in any old way. I was regularly sat in the boot if my brother had his friends with him, though for shorter journeys admittedly.

user1471545174 · 14/04/2017 09:21

I don't think life was crueller, as some have said. There were fewer strictures on general social mores, but overall people were pretty kind, more self-contained and not nearly as afraid of each other as they are now.

Child-centricity is at an unhealthy level and has infiltrated everything, so adult news is now presented John Craven-style as though comprehension levels are still developing.

There are too many activities and events created for children which must be a major pain both for benignly negligent parents and introverted children (who presumably still exist). Treats were rare and looked forward to. Gratitude, or a show of gratitude, was expected and not negotiable.

Spoilt kids are being created who are deemed incapable of crossing a road at nine, being 'home alone' at 14 or managing a university interview alone at 18.

We were able to play with bi-gendered toys and wear what we liked without being pathologised. We were able to have different personalities and get along with each other without worrying about imported ideas of only one type of 'popularity'.

We automatically stood up for old people because our parents had taught us to hold onto a rail and had explained about what happens to health and mobility as people age.

We didn't have 24/7 exposure to a drugs, sex and violence culture.

It was better.

BikeRunSki · 14/04/2017 09:28

My siblings range from 41-55. I'd say the main difference between now and "back in the day" is that when I was growing up, it was fairly usual just to have one working parent. I remember an argument on my mum's doorstep when DS was 4 and DD was 1.5 - and still waking several times in the night - on my knees with exhaustion and horror at the prospect of the 5 hr drive home. DM was all "I had 4 children and managed, you need to pull yourself together" and I yelled back at her "yes, but you didn't also have a job!".

Amummyatlast · 14/04/2017 09:35

Things I remember from my 80s childhood that wouldn't be acceptable now include:
Smacking
Being allowed to play on the street for hours (yes there were cars)
Having to take our far too big dog for a walk (I had no control)
Being left in the car for ages while dad talked to people (not great when I was smart enough to bypass the child locks, but not smart enough to think it was a bad idea to let my younger sister out because she was annoying.)
Being allowed to ride in the boot occasionally
Having other children sat on my lap in the car

According to MIL, she used to leave DH in the garden to cry and put rusk in his bottle.

80sMum · 14/04/2017 09:39

Life was hard for my mother. She gave up work when my elder sister was born and never worked outside the home again.

At the time of my sister's birth, in the mid '50s, my parents were living in a small flat on the 2nd floor of a terraced house in London. There was no water in the flat. They shared a bathroom, which was on the floor below, with 2 other families and for drinking water they had to go down to a tap on the ground floor.

There was no kitchen in the flat, only a gas stove out on the landing. On that stove, my mother had to cook meals and also sterilise my sister's nappies by boiling them in a metal bucket on the stove top, having lugged the bucket of water up a flight of stairs from the bathroom, then having to lug it down again before emptying it, rinsing the nappies and then putting them through a mangle. There was a small, shared garden with a washing line but most of the time the nappies were dried by being draped over furniture indoors. Anything dried outdoors usually got grey and dirty.

Mum walked everywhere and there were no supermarkets, so shopping was a tedious process. At least rationing was coming to an end by that time, so the queues were shorter than they had been.

Shortly before I was born, my parents moved to another flat, this time it had its own water supply and, what's more, there was hot water available on the same landing (luxury indeed!).

My father had 3 jobs. On weekdays, he worked in a civil service department on a 9-5 schedule, on Saturdays he worked in a shop and in the evenings and on Sundays he made costume jewellery at home, which he sold by mail order, advertising in local newspapers.

Through hard work and disciplined saving, dad was able to get a mortgage and move us all out of London in the early '60s to a 3-bed semi on the edge of a town.

When my sisters and I were growing up, my parents were always hard up. They never went out to eat, actually never went anywhere that wasn't free - so a lot of our entertainment was walking in the countryside, a pursuit that is still a passion of mine today.

Did my parents have a harder time than I had when my DCs were born in the early '80s? Absolutely yes! No doubt about it.

Did I have a harder time than my own DCs are now having with their little ones? Yes and no. Yes, we were poorer, we had fewer (none) luxuries, no holidays, no central heating etc. But life was simpler and we were happy. I think nowadays young people feel a lot more discontent than we did. They can't cope with going without things and those things appear to be essential to happiness now.

80sMum · 14/04/2017 09:39

Blimey! That was longer than I thought! Grin

SomewhatIdiosyncratic · 14/04/2017 09:40

I loved travelling in the boot. I haven't done it since 2009 (perfectly legal in Tibet, and there was one more person in our tour than seats in the SUV, so I volunteered for the boot) Grin

DH grew up with his mum piling 5 children into the Mini. Good job they were all lanky!

noeffingidea · 14/04/2017 09:51

My kids are 28, 20, 17.
It was easier in some ways, harder in others.
What I have noticed through coming on here is that many people describe looking after their babies as very hard work, suffering from sleep deprivation etc, and that wasn't the expectation when I had my children. Nor was it my experience, and I did 99.9% of the childcare.
Thats not to say that I didn't have the odd bad day, I did, but that was the exception. I find it weird when I read things like people holding their babies 24/7, or breastfeeding continuosly through the night, because noone I knew ever did things like that.
So it's probably just a change in attitude towards parenting becoming more child centred and attatchment orientated.
On the plus side - buggies on buses, laws protecting breastfeeding rights and other changes must make things easier in some respects.

Squills · 14/04/2017 09:55

There have always been shit parents. Now, shit parents are slated by society. Then, shit parents were encouraged. That's the difference.

But that's where you're very wrong.

Where do you get this idea from? When is this 'then' you speak of?

Limitededition7inch · 14/04/2017 09:59

Not sure on this one but my mum is generally in agreement with how DH and I bring up DS which has never made me think about the difference between now and the 80s/90s.

However having DS around my gran is quite interesting. Some of the things she has told me are:

  • I should have potty trained him earlier (he was just 2 when we started. She apparently put my mum on the potty the minute she could walk)
  • I should have weaned him earlier (we actually weaned him earlier than six months but my mum was weaned at about a month!!!!)
  • He needs to cry it out (he had an ear infection at the time)

But then she also balances this by telling me she thinks I'm a bad mum because I work FT and she also thinks it's weird that DH works from home twice a week. Never mind he has a 1hr 20 minute commute the other days; I should be the one who's PT. She also finds it strange we take him to the (non smoking, food serving) pub/restaurants with friends, but then rolls her eyes when we go out and leave him with our own parents.

As you can tell, she's a crabby cow at times.

Squills · 14/04/2017 10:01

I was regularly sat in the boot

Do you mean in the back of an estate car?

I'm still trying to get my head around putting children in the boot of a car. I was brought up in the 50's and 60's in a number of different countries and I have never ever seen such a thing as putting a child in the boot and closing the lid.

Limitededition7inch · 14/04/2017 10:02

Though I am somewhat in agreement with her when she rolls her eyes and tells me 'so what?! People have been having babies for years and they're fine!' when I she overhears me say that X or Y is having a bit of a hard time with sleep deprivation etc. We are a bit too fussy about things at times.

starzzzz · 14/04/2017 10:03

Hard to say, Squills. I don't know exactly when 'then' stopped being 'then' because it was a very gradual shift.

I was born in 1981. Started school 1986, went to secondary school 1993 and went to university in the year 2000.

I know the 80s were peppered with children vanishing. Some of these were circumstances parents could not have predicted. Others were circumstances in which parents were naive and unintentionally their children ended up at risk.

I know smoking was fine, expected even, when I was growing up. Dh is a bit older than me, we went to a funeral recently of one of his friends who died of lung cancer and never smoked but was a musician. My parents weren't too bad, they did smoke but not in the car really. This wasn't the case for many of my friends.

Smacking was acceptable once. If you did it in public now the reactions of those around you would be that it was wrong. Then, it would be encouraged. Teachers could do it too.

When was there a shift, I just don't know, because I stopped being a child in 1999 in the eyes of the law. I think things were a bit better for children in the 2000s but I just can't be sure. I had my first in 2007. He has never known a world where people can smoke in a restaurant or a pub, he's encouraged to eat healthily at school, his school has an anti bullying policy and his teachers can't hit him.