Parenting - easier now or 'back in the day'?

[Coughandsplutter]

Posting for traffic tbh. Ive got a toddler of 2.5 and a baby of 4 weeks. Yesterday I was chatting to parents about how bringing up kids has changed. Mum was telling me about her silver cross pram with seat fitted on top for me to sit on while sibling was in pram. She was on about terry towelling nappies and having to boil them clean. It wasn't a "we had it tougher" conversation, just a comparison between times. My parents didn't have much money or grandparent support so perhaps their situation is different from most. Mum had no car so everywhere she went was on the bus or walking. We talked about how pubs, supermarkets, shopping centres etc are all now very child friendly with changing facilities etc.

Not really expressing myself well as I'm very tired but what do others think. Was bringing up kids in 70-80s harder? Or 50s? Or was it just different pressures? Was life simpler then in some ways - no Facebook photo 'competitions' of who's having best Easter and check ins to the latest trampoline Park. Or is it easier now?

For my mum, an automatic washing machine and dishwasher would have been marvellous! I remember the twin tub she (eventually) got, doing the washing took all morning with wet clothes everywhere. Ok if it was a nice day to hang them out, but it rains a lot up North! On the other hand she had both sets of grandparents a walk away, which is something I would have loved when my dcs were small.

I remember the twin tub too. I used to chase DB round waving those big wooden tongs at him.

I totally agree with Sybil and ijust
The other thing that makes life easier now is the expected involvement of fathers. My dad adored us but didn't do our care, and if he "took us" for the day it would involve trapsing around after him- to the builders merchants, bookies, pub, wherever he happened to be going.

He also used to take us to work (builder) their would be a gorgeous new build block and a 6 year Told helping him wire up the life. Incredible when you think about it.

When my DH has the children alone he takes them for lunch, softplay, the park- something centred around them.

Physically it was a lot harder and more tiring, but parenting was easier in that everyone knew the rules, what was acceptable and what would get you told off, not just by your parents but by any other grown up who caught you misbehaving or acting in an antisocial way. Children has more freedom to roam and play outside so far more real-life social interaction.
Social media has brought with it a whole new set of potential problems for young people and made parenting a lot harder in that respect.

Yes, I think for most, having the pram outside on a nice day was for the fresh air and birds singing etc, rather than so you don't hear screaming! I would wheel my DC round the back if he was asleep when we came back from a walk, and open patio door so I could hear him when he woke, read for a few minutes from a chair where I could see him - ahh, it takes me back...!). Had a net more to keep insects off than cats (i'd like to think I'd have noticed a moggy climbing aboard!).

6 year old helping him wire up the lift even

I think the goalposts have changed. I was talking to my mum the other day on this kind of theme, not in a better/ worse kind of way, just that goalposts have changed.

She was saying about young people expecting more... my choice is to run a second car or be very isolated in my suburb with few services available on foot. I would only be able to buy food at a small convenience supermarket costing 30% more than the larger retail park supermarkets 2 miles away that would be over an hour away by bus. One is too dangerous to walk to along a NSL road. There has never been a butcher in my area. On balance, I'm no worse off for the cost of maintaining a second car!

As women have had maternity benefits, equal paid work (well in principle anyway...) and continued careers, the cost of living has inflated with it. A second income is frequently a necessity not a bonus, and that brings pressures like childcare (and its cost) and loss of family time. Interest rates are comparatively low against previous levels such as 18%, but the basic value of property against wages leaves families no better off.

Society's interpretation of a necessity has changed. It's difficult to participate in modern society without phones, internet and private transport, and increasingly so as organisations like banks withdraw local services low tech options like cheques become less practical (DM manages with much moaning, but she lives half a mile from a half decent town centre).

I think pressures are much more mental than physical. With the time saved by dishwashers, washing machines, car for weekly supermarket trip etc we then fill that time by feeling obliged to martyr ourselves to slavish devotion to our DCs. The average mother will spend much more time with her DCs as she's less likely to live near family, and there's fear about safety for letting them play out in previous generations. Feeling isolated and social contact being mostly with young children with little respite is not healthy. We've also got access to far too many experts and idealistic parenting blogs to give us more ammunition to beat ourselves up with.

I'm not saying life is harder, just different. Each time we solve a problem and make life easier, we naturally fill the gap with a new one!

Seems as if kids have more and more activities too. I did a lot compared to friends, with brownies, swimming and ballet, but my friends with little ones of 6 now, are taking them to martial arts, instrument lessons, dance class, tennis, rugby, swimming, and 2 activities on Saturdays... Its great to have interests but it seems a bit busy for little ones...

CBeebies- made parenting easier
You tube- made parenting harder

Mine did cubs, brownies, horse riding, gym, football, music lessons at various times. They played in the garden if they were playing outside and went round to other friends houses, or they came to us.

We had terry nappies, because the disposable ones at the time were absolute rubbish and they were a pain.

To be honest I think people are actually parenting nowadays. In the olden days (presumably because only one person was at work), everyone was so stressed out that kids weren't even around their parents much except for meals and punishment etc.

Childhood also lasts much longer now. I remember being expected to be a grown up by 10-11. That was only in the nineties!

I had my kids in the early 80's and it was definately easier. Firstly most women did not go back to work until at least their children were at school. We did not have cars at home with us but kids went to their local school and pushing the younger ones in their pushchair was much easier than struggling with car seats parking etc. We had smaller supermarkets closer to home so shopped couple times a week.

I bottle fed and you mixed all 6 bottles in the morning and left in the fridge - heated up in boiled water and it kept it warm overnight until needed....much easier than modern advice.

But biggest difference was children played out....All day everyday and left you plenty of free time to do house work and have coffee with friends and neighbours

There was no expectation to provide stimlating activities for them - we all did but occasionally

There were no school uniforms for primary kids, certainly no dressing up except tea towels on heads for the nativity. No one cared if you were late for school, took your kids on holiday in term time or what you put in their lunchbox.

If you kid got into scrapes or had accidents it was a case of kids will be kids and no judgement was made. My GP told me if a child is raised to adulthood without a trip to a&e with an accident they are a bad parent who has over protected their child. No health visitor sent round to double check.

Basically we were left alone to raise our own kids and trusted to do so.and unless you were doing something hideously wrong no one really cared how you did it.

I would not want to be a parent today.

It was easier because you didnt have parenting forums to judge every parenting choice you made.

My child has autism and I am so glad I had him now and not back 30 years ago. There is more support and understanding now although things aren't perfect. I feel really sorry for parents of children with autism back in the days where there was no understanding.

Some things easier, some rings harder.

On the Robert Winston programme the other day it said that children these days now have twice as much homework as their parents. So I have found once your children are at primary, the pressure to do school things is massive. Supervising (i.e 'doing') homework for three children after a long day at work myself (cos it needs two incomes for a mortgage here in the southeast) is an area i find tricky. My parents might have read us a bedtime story but they didn't have to create Roman shields and suddenly create a Gruffalo costume!

When I read the angst on MN from relatively new parents I think there is more self enforced expectations than we experienced a few years ago.

It just amazes me when people look nostalgically at the good old days! I'm sure parenting was easier, because it was socially acceptable to be neglectful and downright cruel.

Chuck your kid in the back seat of the car (or even the boot if transporting numerous children.) Smoke in the car, in the house, in the restaurants and in the staffroom. Drink and drive. Child misbehaves and you sort her out by hitting her, and if you want to maximise humiliation remove clothing in order to do so. Sarcasm from teachers just fine, no problem. 'Stand in the corner - no, don't turn around, no one wants to see your ugly face' was a favourite refrain of my year 1 teacher in 1988. That one wasn't to me, although I remember it, but I got my bum smacked (hard!) by her and deposited in a corner for an entire afternoon. Didn't tell my parents because I'd have got the same treatment

'Children had so much freedom' people sigh and look around them sadly. Plenty of freedom - but seriously, how could anyone think it was remotely safe or acceptable to have tiny children wandering off to fairs and parks in the evening alone?

We were made to watch videos at school featuring naughty children playing on railway lines, going off with strange men to see kittens, touching electricity pylons and playing by water - all came to various gruesome ends. The subtext was that it was YOUR responsibility to be safe, YOUR responsibility not to do something silly - not your parents to ensure that a seven year old was supervised by water or electricity!

Bullying was bloody rife. Gay children could not be gay for fear of torture unmatched. Racism was no problem whatsoever, and it showed itself in numerous ways. We had a special assembly when an Asian boy joined our school by well meaning teachers urging us to To Nice To Nazeef. We were nice to Nazeef, in the same way we would have been nice to a disabled child, or a stray dog, or a much younger child. He wasn't really one of us, he wasn't just a normal child with black hair and tanned skin. He was different. Makes me cringe to think of it!

If you had SEN, especially a condition like ADHD or ASD, forget any sympathy or understanding. If you had SEN leading to an obvious and undisputed condition, your treatment was akin to Nazeef's.

People talk about freedom in the good old days. Freedom to be white, NT, unhealthy and unsafe. No thanks. I'm glad I had my children in the 2000s.

I've talked about this with my parents, and they think that we have it much easier and are more relaxed than they were. Now that might just be down to different personalities but it is a massive benefit being able to google any issues that arise and get incredibly wide ranging advice from medical, to sleeping to developmental issues, they didn't have that and said they were constantly back and forth to the GP or HV with me with every little snuffle or cough and were promptly told there was nothing really wrong, it was a cold and it will pass etc. I've never taken our dd to the gp aside from for her jabs, but she has never been ill apart from occasional snuffles and reactions to family pets.

I'm in my 20s so it wasn't so long ago that my parents were dealing with babies, but the birth of the internet has made life a lot easier as we are aware of more issues as the information is at our finger tips, not just in a hefty book where it would be easy to miss bits. Having said that my mum gave me all her old baby books, and I have used them especially one focused on breastfeeding but I suppose that is one part of child rearing that doesn't change and hasn't since the dawn of the human species

I'm happy to be a parent now (dd are 3 and 5). I think there's far better equipment eg buggies, car seats and cheaper toys and clothes. Safety is improved. It's easy to buy and sell good quality second hand gear. I also think there are great facilities for kids eg playgrounds, family friendly cafes. It's also very easy to find out information online eg if you're worried about your child's health or behaviour.

On the down side, children do seem to grow up quickly and I feel more is expected of them, going to activities at 2 or 3 yo. Dd1 could not cope with these and I wish I'd just let her run around and not stress about it. Dd2 otoh enjoys structured activities.

Has anyone considered children are in a hurry to grow up because that's what they're meant to do?

This is a great thread.

I brought my three children up in the 80's. I was a sahm, as the effect on a mother's career wasn't really bothered about. Basically I wouldn't have earned enough to cover childcare costs, so that was the end of the discussion.

I walked to the shops daily, the babies fell asleep, and I left the pram by the back door for them to finish their sleep. They often slept for 2 hours in the garden.

The biggest difference is that no-one had a car at home. So parties were always at home or local. All the after school activities were local, and I often had to collect a child from brownies at 8pm, with two other children in their pyjamas in a double buggy.

We didn't even have breakfast television, let alone 24 hour screens. When I did night feeds, there were no phones or tablets to while away the time. We were lucky to have an argos catalogue!

Pre internet, if we wanted to go our for a day, I would have walked to the library to look up a phone number of the venue. The phoned the venue from home to fine out the address, opening times, prices etc, then they would have put a leaflet in the post. We needed a months notice to play a day out!

They weren't worry free days at all, but they were much simpler. We had maybe two days out a year. We went to a different park every weekend. One week in a caravan every other year (where I cooked the same meals as I would have done at home). It didn't worry us about the lack of baby changing facilities, as we never ever ate out. The children learned very quickly to play games in the garden, using their imagination.

Would I swap my time for modern times? Not on your life!

I had my children in the late 70's and early '80's. I had the big pram with a shopping tray and walked everywhere.
There wasn't pressure to have the latest toys/gadget etc.
The nappies were terry and I had a top loading single tub washer, that was hard work.
It was a simpler life, bus travel was tricky but you just folded the pushchair and there was always someone to offer to help you.
I had a pram net for cats, the children spent hours asleep in the fresh air outside, only when it was foggy they didn't go outside.
Meals were simple, and yes we ironed everything inc tea towels.
I wouldn't want young children now I think there is too much competition and one upmanship. The pressure to have certain things in your home and to have expensive holidays annoys me.
We used to go to the park, come home the youngest would have a nap then they would all do a bit of colouring in and have a cake. Later I would get out my ' 100 ways with mince ' cookbook from Womans Weekly and a nice quiet evening was had by all. Happy days.

Both, in different ways.

Most women tended to be stay at home parents back in the day, so in that sense, it would've been easier. There was no work-life balance stress, and it was the "done thing" to stretch the money to make it work for the mother to stay at home.

But in terms of stuff, it's better now. There are a lot of things made for parents' convenience that simply didn't exist back then.

To be honest I think people are actually parenting nowadays. In the olden days (presumably because only one person was at work), everyone was so stressed out that kids weren't even around their parents much except for meals and punishment etc.

Childhood also lasts much longer now. I remember being expected to be a grown up by 10-11. That was only in the nineties!

I don't agree with this at all. I believe people are far more stressed out these days as the pace of life is so much faster and expectations are so much higher.

As for children in the nineties being expected to be grown up at 10-11, that's not my experience and I grew up in the 80's. I think there's much pressure on children now than there was back then, what with SATs at 11, social media, etc

Copy and paste fail - top two para should be bold as quoting a pp