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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Starting to despise my DH and want to leave...

107 replies

Lisa282820 · 14/04/2017 00:29

Anyone else in this position or just me?
I'm secretly saving now to escape

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 14/04/2017 19:23

Just remember that you aren't being a 'good girl' out of compliance or fear, you are doing it deliberately as part of your exit strategy. Remember it when you have to grit your teeth to keep from exploding. It doesn't matter if he thinks you are compliant. It only matters that you know you are not.

And even though you know you shouldn't believe a word he says, pay close attention to those words. I'm sure he's seen a solicitor and he's laid his plans and with his ego, he probably sees very little opposition and/or that he'll easily be able to bully or manipulate you. Let him think that. Everything he says is to manipulate or 'fool' you into falling in with those plans. So for anything he says, you need to listen and think "Why is he saying that? If I did XYZ as he suggests, what advantage would it give him, what disadvantage would it put me at?". Be very alert for gas lighting or anything that may appear to be contrived to make you appear mentally unstable. Consider it like a game of chess, where every move should prompt you to stop and try to figure out your opponent's 'long term gain' strategy.

Learn stalling tactics. If he does happen to sense anything or even if he doesn't, he may very well try to get you to change household finances or responsibilities to make it look as if you pay or do less than you do, he may try to get you to verbally agree to things that just 'don't feel right'.

I know you need time to get your ducks in a row. Just be sure that you're moving ahead as quickly as you can without calling attention to yourself. Concentrate on the things that must be done before you have to 'go public' with court filings (for example to keep the house or to have him removed).

Lisa282820 · 14/04/2017 20:04

Acrossthepond55!!!
I swear you must have met him because honestly every word you say is true.

I have been on the floor and in tears for weeks but I'm lay in a bubble bath and I'm actually relaxing for the first time in a long time with all of the advice. I have been given. I have spent hours today going over mumsnet to write all the agency names down and to research them but for once at the end of the day I'm not feeling screwed over.
If you look at my messages last night I didn't sleep a wink but I may tonight.

People say I should lean on my mother but she had me late in life and now has health issues and she has no idea! I would never upset or worry her and so apart from friends who can not relate I've had nobody to talk to. For the last 48 hours I have received guidance, knowledge, understanding and I've not felt so lonely so thank you all again x I was at a low ebb but I'm feeling stronger x

OP posts:
nackle · 14/04/2017 20:34

Take a look at www.rightsofwomen.or.uk OP,
There is lots of free legal information inc regarding
finances and the home plus a free legal helpline.
Good luck.

Italiangreyhound · 14/04/2017 20:40

Lisa how old was your mum and how old is she now, roughly? I saw this because I had dd at almost 40 and if she needed me I would be there at 80 for her. You do not need to lean on your mum but you really should tell her the truth.

Italiangreyhound · 14/04/2017 20:41

Say not saw!

AcrossthePond55 · 14/04/2017 20:41

I don't know him. I was married to him! Or more accurately, married to his long lost much older brother!! But honestly, his type is neither rare nor (unfortunately) an endangered species.

I remember doubting my sanity. And at times I have to shake myself when I remember the things I did to keep his suspicions at bay, including having sex with him when it disgusted me. But I did what I had to do until I was ready to boot him to the garbage. I was very young and we had no children and very little money so I didn't have to worry or plan quite as much as you. I was also securely in my own hometown, surrounded by some kick-ass cousins (and my brother), so I was in a much stronger position than you are.

But you do what you have to do and do not regret it.

fadetoblack · 14/04/2017 21:23

I have been in a similar situation and I found that recording some of the conversations where he used to shout at me and call me horrific names was really useful when I left. I just downloaded an app on my phone that I could record with and set it to a shortcut so it was easy and unobtrusive to start to record. When he then denied the name calling etc I had all the evidence I needed. Sometimes I would just leave it to record all evening and if there were no instances I would just not save the recording.

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