Starting to despise my DH and want to leave...

[Lisa282820]

Anyone else in this position or just me?
I'm secretly saving now to escape

As well as WA, Citizen's Advice and Refuge, you can also call the police DV unit. The more you talk to people in real life about your situation the better. If you talk to the DV Unit it will all be on record and ready to back up any claims you may have to make against him.

Photocopy his financial docs if you can find them.

You first stop must be to get legal advice. Women's aid can often recommend specialists who will not charge the earth/ do a small amount of pro bono.

I would bet my own house on the fact that your H is lying to you. Even if he owns the house outright, you will almost certainly have a beneficial interest in it, and the court has a wide range of powers in divorce matters (I am presuming you are in England- it's a little different in Scotland ).

Just another thought, can you check your home insurance policy- it might include free legal cover. I cannot stress to you enough how important it is that you get legal advice before you even do another google for rental properties. This man has done such a number on you, I think you are in a much stronger position that you realise (presuming of course that you are married).

CAB advice on ending a marriage.

Try googling community law in your area, there are charities dotted around that do free legal advice. You'd likely get 15 mins with a solicitor to outline your basic rights. Obviously you have to be quite focused to get the most out of the session but they should also be able to point you to other sources of free advice.

I have found all of his tax returns and some mortgage papers but not the deeds but I know we are either joint owners or owners in common. My salary was actually higher than his when we took the mortgage out but the loan amount was based on both salaries.
I have seen the house insurance papers, he pays the insurance does this make a difference?

I think he's ahead of my game and has taken advice as I'm struggling to find the usual documents but I'm scouting for misplaced ones.

Good thinking about the phone. We have a family email address with google and I know it can be tracked from there, I used to think this was a good thing

It is irrelevant who pays the house insurance. So don't worry about that. Well done for finding his tax returns. It woudl be worth taking photos on your phoone and storing them in your cloud account too (if your phone does not do that automatically) if you have one in case he takes you phone. I would also change your passwords regularly.

If the mortgage loan amount is based on both your salaries it is possible you do not earn enough now to have the mortgage transferred just into your name - usually you can borrow an amount which is 3x or 4x your salary.

It sounds like he has hidden some documents. If you have negative equity and no savings and probably not much of a pension there may well not be much to hide and you have his tax returns so know what he earns. He probably does not have hundreds of thousands to hide away.

If you are married it does not really matter whether the house is jointly owned as tenants in common or joint tenants. The Land Registry search £3 you can do on line I cannot remember if it tells you - possibly not. If you had had a child before you met him and you earned more it is possible when you bought the property together and married you both had a deed of trust about how the house would be owned but as married rather than just living together it does not really matter whose name assets are in as the court can share them out as is fair. If you weren't married then it really does matter.

I do think for your own peace of mind it would be worth paying £3 today and getting the property title - download it and ideally print it out.
www.gov.uk/search-property-information-land-registry
It will show hopefully yours and his names as owners of the property and the name of the lender so you can also check if he illegally took out a second mortgage on the property for example. It will not tell you the amount owed on the mortgage but hopefully you have an annual mortgage statement to tell you that or can ring your lender on Monday or register for on line access to your mortgage account so you can keep a regular check on it on the lender's website.

It's great that you're going to get out - you will be so much happier without him. Great, too, that your child isn't his, as that makes things so much easier. I wouldn't fancy all that regular contact with him otherwise.

One thing I would do is send him a text (with a copy to your mum or a trusted friend) if you go away for the night, a few hours or whatever. "As agreed, I'm going out for a couple of hours to avoid further arguments." That sort of thing. Stay very calm in your texts as you want to be able to show them as evidence if he starts anything.

I can't believe I've never actually checked on the mortgage now! For all I know if he had ever missed a payment or was late I'd never know. My husband pays the mortgage but I pay all other bills including shopping and untilities, does this put me at a disadvantage? The bills I pay probably equate to more than the mortgage and house insurance.
Based on estimates given I would be around 20 to 25 grand short in having the house transferred solely in to my name

No, you're not at a disadvantage and he's not at an advantage if the money for the mortgage comes from his account. You are married and a partnership, legally.

I'd bet my last rollup that he would have op believe that she is at a disadvantage though. Watch out for that, Lisa.

I could be wrong here, but aren't t

he deeds to the property looked after by the mortgage lender while there is still an outstanding loan secured on it? You would have been sent some sort of a certified copy after your names had been added.

So it isn't disastrous if you cannot find this. They do still exist and further copies can surely be obtained if necessary, though I guess for a hopefully nominal charge?

You are on the mortgage. You have some papers there and therefore very probably a reference number. Your name, address, postcode, date of birth and the monthly amount payable should be all that you need to satisfy security for them if you need to phone for information.

I would say that whatever you do don't give up your job. Getting signed off from it could well also play into his hands given the call he made to the police before. It is your means to independence and getting away from him.

Don't know what happened to my first paragraph there. It looked fine on the preview and proof read.

Lisa, if you are married as you say then it doesn't matter who has paid what or whose name savings or assets in, in terms of division of those on divorce. If you weren't married it would.

If you are just £2-0k short on transferring the mortgage into your name (which isn't that much) it may be possible to come up with it 1. a mortgage broker might find a more generous lender or one who takes account of tax credits as income (the latter is unlikely) 2. if the loan were over 30 years (it may already be) you might be able to borrow more 3. Some lenders allow bigger multiples - my post man son could borrow 4x income for example 4. possibly you might be able to stick a lot on a credit card (not always a good idea but might get you over the mortgage problem) and borrow from parents against any future inheritance if they know it will mean you and the child keep your home and the divorce can get finalised 5. it may not matter if you can still stay in the house but stays in joint names although then you would be pay towards it and any increases in capital vaue would go to husband even after he leaves usually so I personally would not want that.

As a good starting point you should disbelieve anything he says about the legal or financial side, if he is seeing a solicitor and you already know he is a liar. I doubt very much you are in negative equity but don't believe it until a neutral third party tells you so.

I was going to say what Imperial said... if you go anywhere, message him or text to confirm you have done so as previously discussed with him.

Kinda like at work when you have a dickhead colleague who denies you telling them things so you email everything to keep a record.

So if you got to your parents' for a few days, text and say "I'm off for my parents for a couple of nights this weekend like we chatted about last night, should be back on Sunday at 3pm or so".

Lisa it is great to see so much advice.

I have not been in your position but have two friends who were both in abusive, occasionally violent relationships (attempting to strangle one and rape or rather coercive sex the other). In both cases I am sure the women desperately wanted their abusive partners to leave, but they would not. Despite the fact as a man alone both husbands would have been able to get a flat more cheaply than their wives could afford alternative accommodation for themselves and the respective kids.

In the end for safety and sanity the women had to leave. One later bought her husband out and returned to the home and the other is still in process of working out what happens.

So in both cases the women fled with kids and rebuilt their lives from there. Anther friend left with her kids and moved country to escape her ex (back to her country of origin).

Sometimes staying and riding out the storm is not the best option.

I know that you are will be in a stronger financial position if you stay put but if your health, including your mental health, is at risk by staying I do not think it is worth it.

thethoughtfox "Be careful about admitting to being 'heated' and leaving the house to calm things down. This helps create a picture of you as potentially aggressive / violent / out of control and could back up the lies he says about you. He could try to call SS and create problems for you and your child."

This is excellent advice. YOU are NOT the aggressor here. Were you in danger from yourself if you stayed in that evening with him? NO.

You were in danger from HIM. Danger that things would escalate and you were finding being in his presence so hard because of how HE was acting. Remember to always word things to clearly show that you are not creating or sustaining this situation, he is.

Lisa in terms of your dd I am not sure what to say, maybe legally you can get some maintenance from him but I would think seriously if you would like to do this.

Personally speaking I'd rather get my fair share of the home and move on.

What are his legal responsibilities to your dd and what are his 'rights'. Yes, children are expensive and money is time, time with your dd, time away from work etc. However, will getting maintenance from him to pay for your dd mean he has an ongoing relationship with her? Do you want this?

I think he sounds like a very dangerous man and I would want free of him, away from him and for him to no longer have any claim to me or my daughter.

Also if he has made your life miserable in your home I would no longer want to live there. maybe just me. I would look into moving to a slightly different area even if you do buy him out. (So I would not run into him.) Maybe stay in same job and school if suits you but just a new area to live in not too far away.

These are just my views, check everything against a solicitor who understand domestic abuse after you speak to Women 's Aid.

I haven't read the whole thread but noticed an early one about getting valuations on the house. Seeing a solicitor.

I would just advise setting up a separate email account so that any correspondence will go there. Otherwise, he'll see stuff coming into the normal email - and could be checking any existing email address you usually use - even if separate to his.

Wishing you good luck for the future.

Thank you sooooo much everyone.
I have ended up with 4 sides of A4 in valid questions I'd never have thought of to ask solicitors, CAB, women's aid, the mortgage company and a whole host of other contacts. I didn't know where to start and felt overwhelmed and powerless to stand but now I feel much better armed.

The hard bit now will be to nod and smile, make dinner and be ' a good girl' ( I kid you not) until I can seriously get this ball rolling away from the home on Tuesday.

I'll keep everything well hidden and I have removed my phone number from joint emails etc and I'm even going to have my car checked for a tracker. I may be being paranoid but I just need to ensure that I can buy at least a month in time x

I think you have all already saved me hundreds if not thousands in legal fees and hours in reserearch anf from not knowing where to start I now feel quite organised thanks to you all x

Great news Lisa.

Op

You can easily ring your mortgage provider tomorrow and ask how much is outstanding on your mortgage. Once you know that you will know how much of it you have paid off

Also do ask what the remaining term of the mortgage is. That way you will know if you can stretch it over more years to reduce the monthly mortgage payment.