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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Starting to despise my DH and want to leave...

107 replies

Lisa282820 · 14/04/2017 00:29

Anyone else in this position or just me?
I'm secretly saving now to escape

OP posts:
ComputerUserNotTrained · 14/04/2017 08:14

Following on from Cookie, if you're a member of a union they might be able to point you towards some help. Mine has a free legal advice helpline for non-work related issues.

Some professions also have benevolent organisations who can help.

I think Chased had probably nailed your H's game.

saracrewe2 · 14/04/2017 08:17

OP I hate the way the narc label is bandied around but he really does sound like one. Alerting the police to your "MH" issues sounds like a classic characteristic. Is he well liked by other people?

Lisa282820 · 14/04/2017 08:18

So much excellent advice,

I'm going to spend the day copying out all of the contacts for the agencies provided.
I know I can't do much until Tuesday when I'm back at work but I can at least be organised. Xxxx
This is a very powerful site when you need help and advice I feel I'm a slight step ahead already as I'm sure he's not a mumnetter 😂

OP posts:
Lisa282820 · 14/04/2017 08:19

Nobody likes him. I think he's respected for his professional knowledge but he's too arrogant to be liked.

OP posts:
Lisa282820 · 14/04/2017 08:21

Stupidly I'm not in the union but maybe that is something I should do also on Tuesday

OP posts:
OliviaBenson · 14/04/2017 08:23

I think womens aid could be really helpful as they will have access to other advice services and solicitors who are used to dealing with such situations.

He is wrong about the house etc, he's just saying it to threaten you. Don't listen, just disengage.

When the police found you last time did you explain what had really happened?

Lisa282820 · 14/04/2017 08:23

Funny about the narc label. I have googled things that he has done in the past and it comes up with that for example he can ignore me for weeks on end, it used to hurt me like Hell but now it's pure relief

OP posts:
JanetBrown2015 · 14/04/2017 08:24

L I am both a lawyer (although not family law) and had a husband rather like yours (although he didn't as far as I know lie to anyone about me like that). He did not want a divorce.

This is what I did - first went to see a solicitor on my own without him knowing and paid for an hour of advice. The one thing I wanted to be sure about was whether I would lose the children if we split up and she said not (the older teenagers would have and did choose to live with me). We both worked full time.

Then he was advised to stay in the home (as I would advise you by the way however horrible the husband is) until the divorce was final. It was an awful 7 months for me (and presumably him) with a lot of nastiness from my husband but it was worth it.

You need to find out of your mortgage company would transfer the mortgage into your name i.e. if your salary is enough to support that mortgage. Mine was. So part of our divorce financial order (which the court approved) was transfer of house to me and a cash sum to my husband - I did a big remortgage. If the house is in negative equity and the family has no other money as your position might be then it is more likely the house and mortgage would have to stay in joint names but your husband moves out on the divorce and possibly but not certainly as it is not his child, he pays child maintenance (probably not maintenance for you as you and he still work and you would have to pay all the mortgage but this is just everyone's comments on the thread, a solicitor with all the information about who earns what etc would be better able to advise). The child maintenance is likely to be 15% if his net pay with deductions for the time the child stays at him at his new place. The child is probably counted as a "child of the family" even though it is just his step child (and indeed you might be able instead to get maintenance from the child's father but that's a different story.
If your husband earns a lot more than you do he may have to pay you spousal maintenance too.

Anyone can check their house value - go on line and look at Land Registry sold prices for similar houses recently in the street and also look at what your mortgage value is. Also check what yours and his (if any) pensions are as that is another family asset some people have.

My guess is the most likely outcome is the house remains in joint names and mortgage, he moves out and the child is mostly staying with you. As you say you might get tax credits. Then the financial court order which by the way you and he can agree instead of court hearings if you both can (my husband and I did that although both of us had solicitors), is likely to say you remove him from the mortgage as soon as your earnings are high enough and that the house is sold as soon as the child is 18 or you remarry or cohabit. I know it's not his child but the Children Act I think talks about a child of the family. I knew one man who was paying £60k a year school fees for his step children to attend Millfield school I think it was, a boarding school and after the divorce he was forced to continue to do that even though they were not his children but because he had been supporting them whilst they were living at home with their mother, his second wife.

We are all pretty good on the financials and legals but for me actualyl the hardest thing with a man like this is the psychological and emotional issues. I had to tell myself as the lawyers told me ultimately he could be forced out of the house as I could afford to buy him out but he could not do the same for me so he WOULD be going. Had he not moved out the day after he was removed from the mortgage and money transfer to him we could have had a court order to remove him. The sequence was sending draft divorce petition to his lawyers to check/approve, then decree nisi, then agreeing financial / children arrangements, court sealed that "consent order", then decree absolute, then mortgage transfer into my sole name/remortgage and cash transfer to him and then he moved out. That took us 7 months - no court hearings as we reluctantly and with a lot of rowing agreed the figures in the end.

I think it remains hard to get a court order excluded a man or woman from the marital home when there is no violence but I am not an expert. There was a case just this week on coercive control by a man (with a very light sentence by the way - ugh) not in a divorce context - that is a new area of law - and it might be more constructive to negotiate divorce and separation terms with him or if he won't agree them pushing it ahead quickly to court hearings even if you represent yourself. However if a solicitor advises you might be able to get him excluded from the home that might be a second possible intermediate solution - even there though ultimately you would want everything fully settled.

Lisa282820 · 14/04/2017 08:25

I just told the police I was fine, I simply said it was getting heated and so I left to de-escalate the situation. Nothing else was asked. I think they probably just see a nice house two professional people and think no harm done

OP posts:
Lisa282820 · 14/04/2017 08:32

Thank you Janet x
And everyone
I've got more things to add to my list for the solicitors and at least now I'm not thinking that renting would be my best option despite it being unaffordable compared to the mortgage!
I've not dealt with any financial matters and so I'm behind the door on figures!

OP posts:
Lisa282820 · 14/04/2017 08:35

Well the monster has risen now and so I'll go, I'll check back later and re read all of the advice.
Thank you all so very very much.
I'm not feeling as lost or hopeless now

OP posts:
OliviaBenson · 14/04/2017 08:39

If the same happens again and he calls the police, do be completely honest with them- it will be on record that way.

NameNotANumber · 14/04/2017 08:40

Good luck OP you are brave and in a stringer position than you think.

JanetBrown2015 · 14/04/2017 08:40

I am sorry that was so long. It just seemed so like my ex-husband. no one would understand what it can be like living with these men. He was very occasionally slightly violent and that was for me neither here nor there (although a crime) - it was the other stuff that was much much worse but unless you have been in that position it's hard to explain to anyone.

In our case we both were interested in finances, had all joint accounts and I did both our tax returns so I didn't have a learning curve there. I would try to get access to on line accounts if you can eg the code numbers for the mortgage account and copies of things like your husband's P60 (what he earned last year if he is an employee).

Renting can be money down the drain really so much better even if the owned property is kept in joint names and even with negative equity that you stay there if you can.

  1. See if your income alone would support the mortgage eg do you have a good credit record, what out goings do to you have (a good mortgage broker will tell you all this free of charge) etc if you earn £20k and the amount owed on the mortgage is £60k then your wage 3 x 20k is enough to support the mortgage on your own so you could get the husband off the mortgage as part of the divorce and take it over as your liability. he would then be off that one so free to get another one on his own based on his own earnings. The problem may well be however that your earnings along are not big enough to take on the mortgage. At least there is no money in the house so your husband is hardly going to want to keep it as there is no cash in it, no equity in it (if that is true - again can be easily checked by comparing sum owed on mortgage against value of houses sold (not sale prices but sold prices) of similar houses near by - again an estate agent free of charge will tell you what your house might sell for - you want sold price not advertised price as there is often a big difference).

Good luck with it all. I wake up every day even 10 years on delighted my ex husband is not here. he has now remarried and good luck to him - I wish him no ill but it is so nice he isn't here.

ohfourfoxache · 14/04/2017 08:45

Op this has probably been suggested already, but it might be worth seeing your GP - if nothing else to get it formally recorded that you're in an abusive relationship. They may be able to point you towards support groups and counselling. And having something formally on record can't do any harm- especially if you see them regularly for support

ponygirlcurtis · 14/04/2017 08:46

I would also consider calling 101 and asking to speak to the police DV unit for a chat. Not to report, just to let them know what the situation is, that you are trying to leave but it's an abuse situation, any advice from them etc. This also means that should he call and report you missing again then they have the full picture.

thethoughtfox · 14/04/2017 08:50

Be careful about admitting to being 'heated' and leaving the house to calm things down. This helps create a picture of you as potentially aggressive / violent / out of control and could back up the lies he says about you. He could try to call SS and create problems for you and your child.

Mermaidinthesea123 · 14/04/2017 08:57

I was in the same situation money wise and really worried about getting a solicitor and the cost as I had nothing.
I went to four different free half hours at solicitors offices, they all offer that free first consultation. I know that is naughty but I asked each of them different questions until I knew what to do next.
You may also be able to get legal aid for emotional abuse. Check out the criteria on google. You'll need to find a solicitor that does legal aid and then go and see if you fit the criteria.
Or you can do what I did with my first husband and go to a refuge, if you then give up your job (which I had to do) you will qualify got legal aid and benefits until the divorce is over. You will ned to persuade your doctor that you are too mentally ill to work. It isn't hard.
You can get another job when this is all over.
Once you are safely out and on legal aid you can fight for the house, custody and maintenance.
However before you go you will need proof of his behaviour and you will need to apply for an injunction against him once you are safely away.
Abuse hostels are not great but the women in there are lovely and it's only a temporary fix. Do it! I did and it worked out very well.
Saving to leave will not protect you, he can take you to court and you'll have no money to fight him.

Mermaidinthesea123 · 14/04/2017 08:59

I also suggest calling the police to your home and getting them to take you to the hostel. All of that will then be on record,

Mary1935 · 14/04/2017 09:04

Hi Lisa talk to your local women's aid as they usually have local solicitors that they recommend. I went and got half hours free advice from one but I did go to another one they recommended and paid £84 for a full hour. I live in south east London. It was well worth it. Best wishes.

Etaina · 14/04/2017 09:07

Citizens Advice would be able to give you initial advice for free and would hold a list of family lawyers offering free half hour appointments. Legal aid is available for domestic violence, which includes psychological abuse, although it would probably be difficult to prove. You could carry out a benefit check on turn2us.org.uk to find out what financial help might be available to you.

Wishing you all the very best.

DJBaggySmalls · 14/04/2017 09:17

Call Womens Aid and Refuge and get on the waiting list for a shelter. You can worry about stuff later.

HappyFlappy · 14/04/2017 09:26

You will ned to persuade your doctor that you are too mentally ill to work. It isn't hard.

Do be careful about this - it could play into his hands.

LittleOwl153 · 14/04/2017 09:31

Something usually mentioned on such threads (admittedly usually where custody of kids is an issue) but I haven't seen so far is to get your documents out of the house - or at least copies, so birth certificates, passports, p60, bank statements etc. Get copies of his stuff too if you can. (Take photos of them on your phone, email to a safe place then delete?)

DameDeDoubtance · 14/04/2017 09:35

Lisa please check that he in not following you via your devices, I have never known a man like this miss that opportunity. Leave your phone at home when you visit the solicitors. This isn't paranoia, it is just so easy to do I would be surprised if he wasn't doing it.