Starting to despise my DH and want to leave...

[Lisa282820]

Anyone else in this position or just me?
I'm secretly saving now to escape

... and yes, you could push to stay in the house and buy twat features out. All options are on the table.

Don't just take his bluster about "no court will ..." as gospel. I take it he isn't a lawyer? He could be just trying to browbeat you with his entirely false "superior knowledge".

Get ahead of him there if you can. Quietly do your own research.

It wouldn't be so bad if it was sold however I've just discovered the price of rent and I'd struggle to afford it. The mortgage is very cheap by comparison.
There are no other loans on the house and we don't have any debts not even a credit card between us so the only reason he could say that about the house is because we have only been in it for a few years.
We knocked the previous owners down by 8 grand as they wanted a very quick sale so actually when I think about it I doubt it is in negative equity

I think I would get tax credits if I was a lone parent though and I'm only going off my wage. I think I have a lot of agencies to visit. I just need to keep very quiet and tip toe for a while.
I'm not daft but this feels overwhelming.

Please go and see a solicitor. It will be worth it to know all your options.. Most good solicitors offer free advice. You are definitely doing the right thing! You should not have to put up with this.

My friend got some help with accommodation. Look at all angles, work, being single parent etc.

Friends gave her furniture etc for her rented home. There was help out there when she looked.

Get the house valued properly if you can. See if you can get estate agents round to do this when he is out.

Failing that, look online at similar types of property in your area. Sites like Zoopla, Rightmove etc. are good there.

Knowledge will be power there, and if nothing else will help you decide which options to pursue, and to know whether or not this man is simply trying any old tack to keep you in check.

I just need to keep very quiet and tip toe for a while

Absolutely! And since your mum apparently is supportive she's a perfect repository for any new-found information and paperwork. Use her address and phone number if you need to.

Your first visit needs to be with a solicitor. Think a bit and write your questions down before-hand. Take your mum with you or someone to act as a 'second set' of ears and/or to take notes. I did this for my BFF when she saw her lawyer for the first time. There was so much to remember that two heads were needed to be sure things were remembered correctly.

Things to ask about;
The issues surrounding the house (staying, selling, buy out, masher order, equity division)
How to establish grounds for divorce
Equitable division of other assets

As far as renting, remember that you could probably make do with a 1-bedroom place to start with. Either you and DD could share or you could try to get a sofa-bed for the living room. A friend lives in a very expensive area and when she was contemplating splitting from her 'd'H, she determined that she and her then 11 year old daughter would have to 'make do' that way as she couldn't afford 2 bedrooms.

Also, do consider moving near your parents. Not right away perhaps, but consider the cost of living where they are vs where you are and whether you could find a similar paying job there. As far as DD's school, well, children have to change schools and move for various reasons all the time and they adjust.

He's not your friend. Don't listen to him, get advice.

Im receiving some brilliant advice!
Thank you. I will write down questions beforehand for a solicitor.
I've already looked at house prices on the road and they have increased 1.49 percent since only Jan of this year!

The best bit and unfortunately so .. he really isn't my friend is he and I'm only just seeing it as clear as day.

Nothing useful to say, but well done for deciding that you need to walk away from this man.
He is pulling your strings and filling your head with garbage. There's nothing to be gained by staying in this situation.
Your mother is definitely your best friend, as a previous person has said, get her on board the train that leaves Mr. Gaslighter.
All the advice on here is going to be useful to you and your daughter.

We've been in this position, but it's a mutual thing. I'd happily stay, but he's looking for freedom I think, seeing if the grass is greener.

I wouldn't discretely do a pros and cons list, just to make sure it's not a blip. If you're saving, it sounds like you've made up your mind.

It's your life and we have but 1

I'm pretty sure he's lying to you also as well as others about you.

• he's lied about the house be My considered your DD's home. Of course it is.
• he's probably lied about negative equity: you say your mortgage is not that expensive and that you bartered down the previous occupants. That implies you're actually doing well.

All these lies are to prepare you to be the one to leave so he can keep the house (without negative equity) and it's working as that's your plan!

Look at zoopla, they have a house price estimate. It looks at the last sale price and the current estimated value based on local rises.

Do ou know what your mortgage was or can you get hold of a current statement?

I'm a lawyer (not a family one though, but I know a bit) and there are loads of firms that do a free 30 minute initial meeting. There are also family lawyers who do pro bono at the CAB.

Never ever ever leave the family house, that's one thing I do know. What he's saying about your daughter is nonsense, you might be better off buying him out and forcing him to move out and rent a flat rather than the other way round.

Ask the family solicitor whether you would be able to get an injunction against him to prevent him coming anywhere near the house, your place of work, your DD etc etc etc. Just because he hasn't been physically violent doesn't mean that you can't do this. His behaviour sounds dangerous and unpredictable. You should not have to put up with it. The police also have powers to issue injunctions and that costs nothing. Womens Aid will probably also be good for advising you on your options here.

It doesn't sound to me like you're in negative equity. That's just bluster to keep you in line. He knows full well you'll be entitled to half of everything if you're married - if he has more than you then he has more to lose than you.

I'd like to see you nail him to the floor, it sounds like he deserves it!

Can you ask your parents to borrow the money?

Try and get out asap, tbh I'd be taking out a loan and replaying it back in montly instalments, we don't have debt, but this is one thing I'd get in debt for.

I certainly think NOT getting legal advice could be very very expensive - please see a lawyer even if you have to pay - to be honest I would pay and get the time you need, it is worth it. Woudl your mum possibly help with the fee? Would any of your workmates be able to recommend someone?

I would agree with Soutty, don't leave until you've spoken with a solicitor. It could be much harder to get what you're entitled too (also not a lawyer, going on what friends have told me and what I've read on here).

PS if he shouts so that you're worried about future violence then he is intimidating and this could/would be considered abusive.

You refer to him as DH. Are you legally married? This could make a big difference to the split especially regarding the house. How long you've been married and whether one of you owned the house beforehand may make a difference as well. These are all things to ask a solicitor. Definitely do not believe a word H says, whether or not he claims a solicitor told him. It all comes under the heading of "he would say that, wouldn't he?"

I suggest unless you "click" with the first solicitor that you see, or at least have a phone chat with, two or three. Some may offer a short face-to-face "getting to know you" session without charge. You need to have confidence they'll fight your corner and be comfortable dealing with them. No good being intimidated by your own legal representative as well as your soon-to-be-ex husband!

Good luck. It sounds like something that has to be done. It's not going to be fun, but from the other side I can assure you it is totally worth it. Good thing he isn't DD's father as that means you won't be compelled to co-parent with him for the next however many years - that's a major plus.

Honestly, you need to get legal advice asap. If it was me, I'd be prioritising that expense over saving up to leave. I'm pretty sure that a lot of divorce lawyers are prepared to wait for payment of legal fees until the divorce is settled anyway. Until you go and see someone, you won't find out.

I should say re leaving the family house that obviously if you feel like you or your daughter are in danger then financial considerations should be secondary and obviously the best thing to do would be to pack a bag and flee. Hopefully it won't come to that but please get proper legal advice asap.

OP, check your benefits at work. Most decent sized companies will have some sort of EAP (employee assistance programme) which are usually a dedicated phone line offering support to staff, including legal advice. Good luck, you're absolutely doing the right thing

Lisa, for you.

You can get free legal advice here: www.rightsofwomen.org.uk
Good luck

Op, if the company you work for has an employee benefits scheme then you may be able to get free legal advice - long shot but more and more large companies do.

OP

There is some good advice here.

I just wanted to add that my ex was like this, spreading rumours about me, trying to control the way in which others viewed me. It is scary, controlling behaviour and a red flag. Please be careful and take care of yourself and your daughter.

I could pay for a solicitor and stay put for a while. I just need to agree with whatever he says in front of him and not disagree or express I think any differently to his thoughts or lies.
It's so so so difficult to do though when someone is lying about you in front of you and about you.
I think he's trying to get people on side by saying I disappeared without notice ( my friends and family know the truth and that's all that matters) and phoning the police to say he's worried about my mental state.
I think he is trying to build a picture of sorts but it really is all just crazy lies that is actually threatening at times to send me really crazy!

As he slipped up with the fact he had already seen a solicitor prior to this.
I've really not slept a wink because I'm not just worried about my house but my job that I worked so hard to get and my daughter whom I adore if he keeps making allegations about me