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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be pissed off with friend?

91 replies

AyeAyeFishyPie · 13/04/2017 20:42

Friend lives about a 5 hr drive away. We have journeyed to see them before. When we have stayed with them we have ensured we have bought alcohol and paid for breakfast out to say thanks.

Friend stayed with us this time. She is wedding dress shopping and another of my friends is making it for her. She is a vegan so I made sure I bought everything for good homemade vegan recipes. She was with us for two nights. Didn't bring anything with her apart from soya milk - I'm OK with that, I told her she didn't need to bring food. Went out for lunch yesterday. She ordered a lot more than I did and then suggested we split the bill. She left her bed in a state and left her wet towel on it. I had to cajole her into having a shower this morning as she hadn't had one since being at work Tuesday and was being measured for her dress this morning.

I have a cold so am probably a bit sensitive but I feel like I have hosted an ungrateful teenager who keeps using the phrase 'adulting' - we are nearly 30 ffs....

Aibu to be pissed off?

OP posts:
TheStoic · 13/04/2017 20:51

Sounds like you are at different life stages.

Do you like her? If so, I don't think these are major transgressions.

Aeroflotgirl · 13/04/2017 20:52

She has bad manners, Mabey dot he same as she does to you.

CustardLover · 13/04/2017 21:01

So you told her not to bring anything, you went out to eat and split the bill (but she had extra chips or whatever) and she left a towel on the bed? I think you're overreacting somewhat.

Xmasbaby11 · 13/04/2017 21:02

I can't see what she's done wrong! You made her have a shower?

Marmalade85 · 13/04/2017 21:05

Annoying but not worth getting upset over

StrawberryJelly00 · 13/04/2017 21:05

When she suggested splitting the bill why not say no lets just pay for what we ordered?

And re the bed - why not just say to her don't be lazy make your bed!

I wouldn't have any 'friend' stay overnight at mine if I wasn't even friends enough with them to be honest with them

SaucyJack · 13/04/2017 21:06

I think in regards to a long-distance friendship, then travel expenses and time should be taken into consideration as a "contribution" to the visit. Probably works out that she's spent more than you in fact.

She doesn't sound that bad to me at all.

arethereanyleftatall · 13/04/2017 21:10

I do always remake a bed, but it's all pointless isn't it, as presumably the bedding and the towel will be washed after her visit, so maybe she thought what's the poInt?

M00nUnit · 13/04/2017 21:39

What does it matter if she "left her bed in a state"? Surely you strip the bed and wash she sheets after you have guests anyway?

EverythingEverywhere1234 · 13/04/2017 21:40

A PP have said, I'm not getting it. You said not to bring anything, you split the bill (you could've said something!!) and she was a bit annoying leaving a towel on the bed
As for making her have a shower... it's only Thursday, and you said she had one Tuesday Confused

Original poster
AyeAyeFishyPie · 13/04/2017 22:37

Really? Everyone thinks its ok to stay in someboy's house, be cooked for etc, and not contribute anything or offer to pay for anything as a thank you? Ok.
I didnt 'make' her have a shower - I suggested it when she said she 'didn't have time', i didnt think it would be great for my other friend measuring someone who wasn't terribly fresh. But ok.

OP posts:
mrsmalcolmreynolds · 13/04/2017 23:20

I think bringing something (flowers, bottle of wine ) is good manners but it's not a hanging offence not to. With the meal, nice to offer but on a short stay I don't think it's unreasonable to accept being fed/cooked for without offering to pay for a meal out as quid pro quo.

Basically her manners weren't tip top but you seem more annoyed than really merited unless there's back story.

ScarlettFreestone · 13/04/2017 23:27

I think if you stay in someone's home you try to keep it to their standards of tidiness and that a hostess gift is only polite (even if it's just a token).

Washing regularly is basic hygiene surely, especially before a fitting/being measured.

The word "adulting" is best confined to Facebook memes.

ohtheshameshameshame · 13/04/2017 23:29

YABU

You told her not to bring anything but you actually wanted her to buy you lunch or a gift? Hmm

ThreeLeggedHaggis · 13/04/2017 23:31

Really? Everyone thinks its ok to stay in someboy's house, be cooked for etc, and not contribute anything or offer to pay for anything as a thank you?

You told her not to bring anything. Hmm

And don't ask 'AIBU' if all you want is people agreeing with you.

In fact, don't start AIBU inviting MN to insult your "friend"...

Tapandgo · 13/04/2017 23:32

She seems rude and insensitive to me and I'd not invite her back. Your pal, your call

PurpleDaisies · 13/04/2017 23:36

I'm with you on the word "adulting" but the rest wouldn't bother me. If I was having lunch with a friend I'd usually offer to split, the bed linen would be being washed do who cares what the bed looks like and you clearly do care that she didn't bring anything or you wouldn't have mentioned it. I'm surprised you made her have a shower. Did she smell bad?

elessar · 13/04/2017 23:40

Yes she could have been a little more demonstrative with her gratitude perhaps but I don't really see what she's done wrong.

As for 'not fresh' - personally I shower every other day and so if I'd showered tuesday I definitely wouldn't smell or be unclean for a dress fitting on the thursday unless I'd been doing something high energy the day before. That said I probably would shower again before a fitting, but I'd be mortified if a 'friend' told me I needed to!

MsPavlichenko · 13/04/2017 23:40

No, you are not. Fair enough she took you at face value re house, although who doesn't take a gift, even if only a £1 bunch of daffs.

But, she should have picked up the bill when out at least.

Rude, entitled. And the non showering. Horrible. I wouldn't bother staying with her again. Or inviting her. In the scenario of her having no cash at all, she should have said so up front. But I doubt this is the case.

Etymology23 · 13/04/2017 23:41

When people come to stay I'm generally just grateful that I didn't have to go to see them instead - they've saved me a lot of trouble!

I usually take some sort of gift to others, but I have some friends where they stay so often that they have a key to my house- I wouldn't always take a present for them.

I would always make/strip the bed when I left, but I wouldn't expect it to be made each morning while they were visiting.

36 hrs also isn't that long to go without a shower (Tuesday evening to Thursday morning) - assuming that i understood your post correctly!

YA a bit U!

JustSpeakSense · 13/04/2017 23:42

YANBU

Who stays with someone for 2 nights and doesn't even bring a bottle of wine, that's so rude.

I wouldn't be inviting her back again.

Chloe84 · 13/04/2017 23:46

YANBU. She should have paid for lunch at the very least.

Stop buying alcohol and breakfast if you go to them again.

Leaving a messy bed and wet towel is disrespectful.

Whereismumhiding2 · 14/04/2017 00:00

I think if you get a good night's sleep, you might not feel so fed up tomorrow as your cold eases. She wasn't the politest guest but no major transgressions other than irritating you. Don't take wine/ gifts to hers and pay for what you ordered next time, if it bugged you.

I'd strip bed anyway after a guest and say 'oi hang up your wet towel lazy bones' if I saw it on bed. ( But it's going in the wash anyway, right?). I air the duvet out on line or bannister, as bedding is washed anyway.

Some people don't shower everyday, some once or twice a week. Not really something to comment on. Unless they smelt very BO pongey. Then, if a close friend, I'd say with a cheesy grin "honey you're a bit stale, we've time for you to jump in the shower before your fitting if you want!"

PerspicaciaTick · 14/04/2017 00:19

It all sounds a bit passive aggressive. You feeling hard done by about gifts and meals out but either not saying anything direct or just obliquely mentioning freshness. Her rolling her eyes and making comments about "adulting".

Has the friendship run its course?

LouBlue1507 · 14/04/2017 01:00

YABU and so is every other MNer who expect a gift in return for an invitation to stay at your house. Now that's entitled!

'I would really love to see you, why don't you come down for the weekend? But you have to buy me lunch to say thank you to me for having you even though I offered'