Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

AIBU to be pissed off with friend?

91 replies

AyeAyeFishyPie · 13/04/2017 20:42

Friend lives about a 5 hr drive away. We have journeyed to see them before. When we have stayed with them we have ensured we have bought alcohol and paid for breakfast out to say thanks.

Friend stayed with us this time. She is wedding dress shopping and another of my friends is making it for her. She is a vegan so I made sure I bought everything for good homemade vegan recipes. She was with us for two nights. Didn't bring anything with her apart from soya milk - I'm OK with that, I told her she didn't need to bring food. Went out for lunch yesterday. She ordered a lot more than I did and then suggested we split the bill. She left her bed in a state and left her wet towel on it. I had to cajole her into having a shower this morning as she hadn't had one since being at work Tuesday and was being measured for her dress this morning.

I have a cold so am probably a bit sensitive but I feel like I have hosted an ungrateful teenager who keeps using the phrase 'adulting' - we are nearly 30 ffs....

Aibu to be pissed off?

OP posts:

citychick · 14/04/2017 01:06

So she's a messy bridezilla to be....
Count yourself lucky...you have her for 2 nights.
Her future DH could have her for the rest of his life...

FlapAttack78 · 14/04/2017 07:55

I would have thought this is fine to be honest. With good friends I sometimes just rock up as know we will return the favour in the future. If going somewhere go a few nights will take wine or chocolate but really isn't a big thing. Maybe I am a terribke guest haha.

RhiWrites · 14/04/2017 07:58

Different expectations. I used to take friends out to lunch to thank them for having me to stay and cooking for me. But it was never ever reciprocated so I stopped.

Ellisandra · 14/04/2017 08:07

I'm laughing at your umbridge at her bed being in a state. It's going to be stripped anyway! Yeah, I'd made it or strip it personally, but I wouldn't give a toss if my friend did or not. As for wet towels on the bed... I doubt it was wet through

My boyfriend has similar towels and I don't want him to mix mine up if I've stayed - but a wet towel all day in a laundry basket might be an issue. I tend to sling it over the bedroom door - but I can imagine leaving it on the bed. I leave mine on the bed at home sometimes (just not thinking) and when I get home it's dry and - miracles! - the duvet hasn't moulded and rotted before my eyes

You told her not to bring anything - so she didn't.

The meal out... it's the only thing I'm slightly sympathetic about. But it really would depend on how much more she ordered and whether you usually split the bill and if so whether that is always in her favour.

You just don't sound as if you like her, anyway.

CauliflowerSqueeze · 14/04/2017 08:13

Didn't wash for 3/4 days?? Yuk

Yika · 14/04/2017 08:34

You're overreacting. She's being a bit annoying and a bit rude but nothing outrageous. Just forget it, don't let this undermine a friendship.

Dumdedumdedum · 14/04/2017 08:37

Simply rude behaviour on her part. Either you like her enough to put up with it, or you stop visiting her yourself. Otherwise, when you visit her, from now on, you don't take anything as a gift or take her out for breakfast.
(I'd be pissed off in the same circumstances myself, OP - but then I like to think that neither I nor my friends would behave this way!)

Wando1986 · 14/04/2017 09:03

Are you 28 going on 75 OP?

I'm in my 30's and some of my friends eat icecream for breakfast. Why? Because they can. There is no set definition on what 'being an adult' is and tbh if you were my friend I'd be wondering why you still were.

Giddyaunt18 · 14/04/2017 09:48

It's good manners to bring something for the host or contribute in some way like buying your lunch or just bringing some wine/flowers. It's good manners to leave her room nice . It is up to her whether she wants a shower though and is no reflection on you if she hasn't, she isn't your responsibility.

Giddyaunt18 · 14/04/2017 09:50

YABU and so is every other MNer who expect a gift in return for an invitation to stay at your house. Now that's entitled!
No it's just good manners. Would you turn up to a dinner party empty handed? Having someone stay with you overnight or longer takes a lot of work and it's nice to show thanks.

LadyPW · 14/04/2017 09:55

I think it's bad-mannered not to offer to pay for lunch if you're staying at someone's & they're feeding you. It's different to if you're just visiting for a meal & then going. Just because OP said not to bring anything doesn't mean you don't get your money out at some point. And thinking about turning up for a wedding dress measuring without having had a shower for two days is pretty revolting.
The bed is less of a deal for me but dumping a wet towel on it is lazy.

LadyPW · 14/04/2017 09:57

Is the friend making the dress a mutual friend or just OP's? Because if she's just OP's then bringing along a stinky friend would have reflected badly on OP even though stinky's personal hygiene wasn't her responsibility.

Questioningeverything · 14/04/2017 10:02

I went to my friends for the first time yesterday for lunch and to spend time with her and my kids.
I took a detour and had my son choose her flowers to take.
She literally made tea, sandwiches squash and my son had a cake. I wouldn't ever turn up empty handed. I'd feel so rude. Bless her she was so thrilled with the flowers.

If I go to mums two hours away I always take chocolate, flowers, cake... she's hosting... of course I'm not going without something.
Maybe it's just how different people do it though.

flibflob · 14/04/2017 10:19

Depends how close you are, really. Wouldn't really care if it was my best friend, as I know she'll return the favour. A more casual friend or acquaintance, I would be a bit annoyed and probably not have them to stay again soon. Then again, I would just speak to my best friend if I wanted a contribution and she wouldn't be annoyed. Good manners to not turn up empty handed but wouldn't expect it.

mrsBeverleygoldberg · 14/04/2017 10:29

When I have people to stay they don't pay for anything. Usually they bring a bottle or two of wine and flowers.

hellejuice91 · 14/04/2017 10:31

I can see why you are a little perturbed. That being said don't let it ruin a friendship. Maybe only have her for a one night stay in the future or go to hers more often x

MatildaTheCat · 14/04/2017 10:39

Id be cheesed off with all of those things. She sounds pretty thoughtless. I wouldn't let it spoil the visit but next time you go to her take nothing ( or something tiny) and spilt bills etc.

greeeen · 14/04/2017 10:45

I'm afraid in another who doesn't expect guests to bring anything and if I do want them to, I will say. I would be pretty annoyed if I offered to bring something, was told no and then bitched about behind my back for not bringing anything.

pasturesgreen · 14/04/2017 10:48

Sorry, but I can't get over the fact you made it your business to know when was the last time your friend had a shower. YABU.

abcBears · 14/04/2017 10:56

Everyone thinks its ok to stay in someboy's house, be cooked for etc, and not contribute anything or offer to pay for anything as a thank you? Ok.

well, yes.
I don't expect my guests to pay for anything when they are visiting, I am not running a B&B.
It is nice if they invite you for diner, but not mandatory, and even less necessary if they only stay a couple of nights.

Leaving the bed in a mess, not stripping the sheets and a wet towel is rude. I wouldn't say anything to them of course, but if someone doesn't shower every day when they visit, they will never be invited again. Yuk. I would stay well away from their house too! I have never met anyone like that to be fair.

Giddyaunt18 · 14/04/2017 11:39

I don't expect my guests to pay for anything when they are visiting
I think it depends. I always would arrive with wine and flowers as that's how I've been brought up. I have friends that arrive at my house for dinner or a weekend with nothing and I don't mind as they are great friends and they always reciprocate with a meal or weekend at theirs. this is fine. I have also had friends that always accept our invitation , bring nothing and NEVER reciprocate. They no longer get invitations. it just leaves you feeling used after a while.

Original poster

AyeAyeFishyPie · 14/04/2017 11:51

Re the shower, the dressmaker isn't a mutual friend she is my friend - they had never met until yesterday. I didn't 'make it my responsibility', she had already said that she 'stunk' and that she 'didn't have time for a shower' - so I suggested she might feel better if she was feeling fresh for her fitting. I just found it odd that she needed me to encourage her in to the shower is all.

'Are you 29 going on 75?' Nice.

Interested to see there is a split. I think posters who have said we are at different stages are right. I just wouldn't dream of rocking up empty handed and if I had I certainly would have paid for lunch. But the world would be dull if we were all the same...

OP posts:

daisypond · 14/04/2017 11:59

I don't really see that the friend has done anything very wrong. OK, bunch of flowers and box of chocs would have been nice. I don't see why the friend should stump up for the cost of a meal for both of you, particularly, but if you always do that, I can see that would be a bit annoying. Going out for breakfast seems really odd to me. I've never heard of anyone doing that. The unmade bed - what did you want? For them to strip it or for them to make it? I wouldn't care about the wet towel on the bed very much - a little bit but not much. It'll all be going in the wash, so what does it matter?

FittonTower · 14/04/2017 12:07

I never take a gift when I stay with my friends! But we've known each other since uni and they'd probably be a bit weirded out if I gave em flowers. I might buy some booze or a take away if the situation arose.

user1471558436 · 14/04/2017 12:11

5 hours drive is probably £70 in petrol. And you said not to bring food. And you could have just said no to splitting the bill. And she can wash or not wash. Her choice.

Flip

1 2 3 4