Awkward situation with friend and her son

[ahatlikeprincessmarina]

My DS has been friends with a boy, R, since they were 5/6 (they're now 11 and 12). R was diagnosed with Aspergers about a year ago and the family have been having a difficult time with him – refusing school and things like that. My DS is more or less his only friend. His mum and I quite often do reciprocal childcare, but it does piss me off that whereas I give her plenty of notice if I'm asking her to have my DC, she will often ask the night before, or even on the actual day if I can look after her two. Some people are fine with this, but I just like a bit more notice.

So again she's asked me to have her DC tomorrow as she has to work – a course that she was signed up for that she didn't realise was right in the middle of the Easter holidays. She also phoned me to ask rather than texting (several missed calls until she got hold of me, and no message left), which I feel puts me on the spot makes it more difficult for me to say no. The awkward bit is that while my DS likes going round to her house to play with R, he really REALLY doesn't like R coming here. He feels there is less to do here, R gets bored and he feels this huge responsibility to entertain him while R is going 'no, that's boring' ... 'don't want to do that' etc. So DS has been crying today at the prospect of R coming tomorrow. It's just not fair on him, I know – but the family are struggling with R and I feel that maybe I should suck it up. I think I will hoik up my courage and ask the mum if she can please give me more notice, but it also grates on me a bit that she thinks my DS loves having his friend to play, when actually he dreads it . I'd feel guilty at making any references to DS not liking having R round, as I feel like it would be beating them when they're down, but at the same time I know she thinks DS would love having R round any time.

I guess I've kind of worked this out for myself just by writing it down here – i.e. ask her to give me more notice, but keep quiet about DS's feelings. But if anyone's been in a similar situation I'd be grateful for any thoughts?

That's quite a lot of projection littleoldlady.
The ops son should not have to suck it up if he really doesn't enjoy it. It's not like the op said she doesn't ever want him to come over or her DS doesn't ever want to play with him, just not all the time.

Why should he be forced to do so, just because of sn? That's not fair. Also why should those days be assigned computer days especially if it's almost always last minute notice? So the ops DS should now be forced into doing specific activities at the last minute.

Yanbu op, if your DS is crying about it then you really need to do something. You don't need to mention anything about your DS.
It's very rude and Inconsiderate of her to drop this in at the last minute over easter weekend when you might have had plans.

On the flip side, it's not unusual for kids on the spectrum to prefer the company of slightly younger children. Both my boys' best friends are in the year below at school.

You're not running a nursery for pre-teens are you?

If R has aspergers, you could suggest looking after kids at his own house (more familiar setting for him) if that works for you? Or ask his mum how she copes with his boredom at home. Your DS shouldn't feel responsible for entertaining R. They say today's kids need to experience boredom! ...and boredom for R might make his mum less inclined to ask you in future.

I don't think anyone else has picked up on your comment about having a 7-seater & she pushes her DS & DD into coming on family days out with you - that's YOUR family, not hers.

She is taking the piss, massively.

As for not being a liar & she's told you about the course - have you actually seen the handouts? I mean FFS who holds a course on GOOD FRIDAY???

I think it would be rude to say you need more notice or DS does not want to play with him. Just an excuse ready for the next time she asks.

Nothing wrong with saying you need more notice, what if op has plans. She can't wait around in case the friend needs her.

I have not read all comments but have read some.

I like this for CotswoldStrife "Can't you go round to her house and look after them there, if R prefers it there? Or contact her today and say that you were slightly surprised that R wanted to come again because he finds it boring at yours?"

I'd also say she needs to give you proper notice because you don't want to say no but you will have to start saying no if you are not given X amount of days notice.

I looked after my friends kids a few weeks ago. I asked the mum to bring snacks they liked and also games and DVDs etc. I told my own kids if they did not wish to play with the other kids they could stay in their rooms.

It worked out fine.

I don;t much like doing it but I did it as a favour to friend and others have done favours for me.

I would day don't say too much about the boy's friendship, that may be 'kicking her when she is down', so to speak, and it is hard. But it is fair to say that it is not as easy as it was when they were younger and when they come to your house then there will be times they need to amuse themselves, not necessarily play together. You are providing supervision and safety but not necessarily a play mate built in.

Good luck and well done for being such a thoughtful friend.

I think "I'll have him this time, but can you please give me more notice next time and bring some things for him to do as he's saying he's bored. " should do the trick surely? It gets the point accross without being rude.

His mum would be baffled if I said "Can R bring a book as he and DS don't always get along at my house" ... and I also think she'd be really gutted if she knew DS doesn't want R round She probably knows that her ds is hard to be around, to be fair. Otherwise she would have more options when it comes to childcare, and he would have more friends.

Please just say "Can R bring a few activities with him, as often he & DS want to do different things rather than "play" together."

My (possibly autistic) daughter and her autistic friend play side by side, rarely together. They just don't have the capacity to "join" with each other very often.

but definitely yes with the notice thing, and you saying no if you want/need to!

Oh & whe I posted She probably knows that her ds is hard to be around, to be fair. Otherwise she would have more options when it comes to childcare, and he would have more friends. It sounds like perhaps I am trying to guilt you which I am HONESTLY NOT doing!!

A mum with a SN child plans meticulously, right? I have lost count of the things I have forgotten since being thrown into the world of & learning my daughter has SN.

I never used a use a diary/calendar at all, but since her life & needs dominate my waking (and non-waking) hours, I have forgotten the smallest of things. So much so that I now email my plans to my work email so I see them everyday! I use 2 diaries (hard copy and a phone app) and a calendar!

8As for not being a liar & she's told you about the course - have you actually seen the handouts? I mean FFS who holds a course on GOOD FRIDAY???* Did you read op's posts? She said that she (op) purposefully altered the days to prevent being identified, and that she herself forgot Friday was Good Friday...the mum had the course as the op was posting, on THURSDAY!

Some courses do take place on a Good Friday, a relative of mine is doing a three week course, she was there yesterday.

It's possible that the friendship has just run its course. I was embarrassed when DS2 didn't want to see so much of his friend whose mother was a close friend of mine. They were growing up in different directions and with different interests.

It was a bit chilly for a while but we got past it.

zzzzz is right about communication. Talk to her.

What zzzzz said.

You need to find a way to talk to your friend about this OP without it being confrontational.

She'd want to know if R is having problems and your house but the point is to figure out together how to make it a better experience for both of them - not stop the visits because it's hard.

"It was a good day yesterday which is a relief as DS was a bit worried that R sometimes says he's bored when he's here. Does this happen when they a both at yours? How do you handle it?"

Also -if you really feel you need it...
"having a bit more notice next time would really help as it would give more time for you and I to make a plan to ensure both boys have a good time when they are together and R is happy here".

The tone of your posts show you are a caring compassionate friend who wants to help out. And you genuinely don't think she's deliberately taking the piss. There is an important lesson for your son here in learning to have that compassion too - even when it's difficult. But when it's hard you don't give up on your friends - you talk to them and find a way to make it work.

Also I would reflect a bit on what difference having more notice would really make for you. Either you have plans for the day which are impossible to include R in or you don't. If she gives you more notice it's much harder to say no, surely? Also, Asking her to give you more notice will make her feel shit and guilty for asking you. I would make it more about how to ensure the boys have fun together without implying you want him to stop coming round.

Good luck OP

Thanks so much for all your replies, and particularly to Fairytales for your long thoughtful advice and offers of activities - that really is very kind of you. The day did go fine in the end and I think R is trying very hard, as I mentioned – he seems less sullen than perhaps a year or two ago, so that's good.

I might be seeing his mum today and plan on bringing it up if so, but if not, I'm going to text and ask her for more notice next time. I know, I know, texting is a cop-out but I don't see why I should have to feel any more uncomfortable than I already do.

A lot of stuff that's waaaay off the mark here from PPs, though, and I'm not sure why people seem to be deliberately misinterpreting what I've said. DS never goes over to R's house unless he's invited, and I know it actually makes R's mum's life easier if he does go over. I know she's not deliberately seeing how far she can go with me, that last-minute is just normal to her, and that she'd drop everything and help if the situation was reversed. I wouldn't mind the odd last-minute emergency request at all –it's just that the vast majority of hers are. I almost never get a "Could you look after my DC a week on Thursday after school?" text.

Also, I'm pretty sure the two boys will continue to be friends throughout their teens, though we've no way of knowing this, of course, and I'd be happy for that to happen (particularly when they're old enough to both have phones and start making their own plans!)

OP, you really don't have to qualify your responses - it's not really any of her business if she asks for free, last minute childcare and you say no. You don't have to have a good reason/excuse!

However, if you think she'll invite her kids again and you feel you can't just say sorry and leave it at that, then that idea about 'date rings a bell, let me check/ then texting back with sorry, no, is a good one. ,Another option would be saying you have 'plans with family' - easily understood as visiting relatives; in reality it's plans with your family.

You have to think of your son if he is getting that upset and stressed. She must have back-up child-care options. If not, it's about time she found some.

Separately, for when the kids do come over (e.g., this instance, if you've already agreed), perhaps it is indeed time to say to the mother that R seems increasingly bored at our house, what would you suggest? She must have tactics for when they're out and about that don't involve computers. Then again, especially if you will be cutting down on the visits in the future so it won't become a regular thing, perhaps rewarding your son with computer time isn't such a bad thing in context .

Worth managing this situation carefully because too much time with R not out of choice might end the friendship altogether as your son gets older.

zzzzz –she invited DS to come over, when R was going home. Maybe I didn't make that clear but I thought it would be read between the lines.

I think texting is a ridiculous way to communicate with your friend

Yes, I know, I'm a coward. I will try and get her face-to-face, though she wasn't at the thing I thought I'd see her at this morning. I really have problems with mobile phones at times as I often can't hear the person on the other end, they go in and out of reception and I just find it frustrating listening to half-sentences. Does my head in.