Awkward situation with friend and her son

[ahatlikeprincessmarina]

My DS has been friends with a boy, R, since they were 5/6 (they're now 11 and 12). R was diagnosed with Aspergers about a year ago and the family have been having a difficult time with him – refusing school and things like that. My DS is more or less his only friend. His mum and I quite often do reciprocal childcare, but it does piss me off that whereas I give her plenty of notice if I'm asking her to have my DC, she will often ask the night before, or even on the actual day if I can look after her two. Some people are fine with this, but I just like a bit more notice.

So again she's asked me to have her DC tomorrow as she has to work – a course that she was signed up for that she didn't realise was right in the middle of the Easter holidays. She also phoned me to ask rather than texting (several missed calls until she got hold of me, and no message left), which I feel puts me on the spot makes it more difficult for me to say no. The awkward bit is that while my DS likes going round to her house to play with R, he really REALLY doesn't like R coming here. He feels there is less to do here, R gets bored and he feels this huge responsibility to entertain him while R is going 'no, that's boring' ... 'don't want to do that' etc. So DS has been crying today at the prospect of R coming tomorrow. It's just not fair on him, I know – but the family are struggling with R and I feel that maybe I should suck it up. I think I will hoik up my courage and ask the mum if she can please give me more notice, but it also grates on me a bit that she thinks my DS loves having his friend to play, when actually he dreads it . I'd feel guilty at making any references to DS not liking having R round, as I feel like it would be beating them when they're down, but at the same time I know she thinks DS would love having R round any time.

I guess I've kind of worked this out for myself just by writing it down here – i.e. ask her to give me more notice, but keep quiet about DS's feelings. But if anyone's been in a similar situation I'd be grateful for any thoughts?

I think maybe relaxing computer time when R is over is the way to help your son feel less stressed and worried about him coming. What you do when he's not there is up to you.

And I don't think he's being precious either. I say that as a mum of 2 boys with ASD, so I can see how hard it is for R and his mum too, but I still don't think it's fair for your son to be labelled precious when he has genuine anxiety about a situation.

She's a user and its nice people like you that enable her. What a load of rubbish about not knowing her course fell at Easter! Any calender can tell you a year in advance.

You need to stick up for your son.

Tell her (after this time) that your ds isn't enjoying himself, her ds isn't enjoying himself and you just think it's a bit much at the moment so they need some distance.

And you know you don't have to answer the phone...

Can you suggest you decamp to hers on such occasions? Otherwise, I'd allow unlimited screen time just for this child. Basically anything to get through it and feel as though it's a positive experience and not a chore.

I don't know what priority these points should be in, but I'll say firstly, secondly etc. You can prioritise them as you wish.

My DD has a similar friendship and her friend has issues, so it's really hard, as the child can be nasty, I'm assuming that isn't the case here?

Firstly: you need to text and say I completely understand this was an over sight with the stress you are under. If you could give me more notice that would be great as I like to plan my days, cook in advance, occasionally have plans to visit family. So as not to let you down, the more notice the better.

Secondly: are R & DS friends, does he go round to the other house out of obligation, or does he enjoy the time he spends with R? Basically are they really friends, or does DS tolerate R out of sympathy, R's Mum & your relationship?

Thirdly: Do you have Lego? Maybe for the 'visit' you could plan that the boys have a Lego competition to build something each, the best gets a prize. (Both getting a Kinder Egg or something)

Fourthly: Does R have any other interests over the computer? If so what are they? You could say to R's Mum you've been doing a bit of a reading competition to try and get DC to read more. Could R bring his favourite books, so he could join in and not feel left out? Do they enjoy physical things like baking? Could you make some Easter Cakes together and then get some icing and different sprinkles to top? If the weather is nice you could do a 'Find me' competition. I could knock something up quick and email it over for you to print out. Both DC's have a copy and some sellotape. If this is viable, if you could let me know if you have access to flowers (even daisies/dandelions) a tree? Ask his Mum if she can give you a list of what he likes and what he doesn't? Leading onto 5!

Fifthly: Do any activities trigger R, are his parents aware of anything that is totally no go? Is being at a playpark an issue? Does he have any phobias, sensory issues?

Finally: Ask R's Mum if she is getting adequate support from social services? Let her know that Direct Payments could be a big help to give R 1-2-1 interaction and support. Also ask if she is aware of groups that help? If she's made any friends with other Mums who have children with Aspergers. Be honest ask how is she coping, tell her that she can feel free to vent via email. If anything jumps out you can help with (like services etc) you're more than willing to help.

You understand that it is a challenging time at present. Hopefully if they can get adequate support in place, which will alleviate things.

Whilst you're friends, you shouldn't feel like it is overly impacting you. Your posts read, almost as if you dread your phone ringing because of some crisis. Is she quite isolated? Does she have family to support her? You shouldn't be shouldering this solo, even a counsellor would need to debrief and discuss through things that have been highlighted.

Hopefully there'll be a better picture if you can find time to answer the questions, I can advise you further.

Just because she believes child rearing is a community thing, it doesn't mean you have to agree, it looks like when she says community, she means you. She's going through a rough time, that's obvious, but it shouldn't be impacting you this much.

Look forward to your reply

ahat wow she sounds cheeky with those comments, yes it takes a village to raise a child and all that, but we are in the UK, not parts of the world where there are extended family, cousins, Aunts, Aunties etc. If you don't want, so no! Like she is prioritising her son and herself, you have to do that. Your sons distress at having this boy, should be enough for you to put your big girl pants on and say no, we cannot, we are busy. Its very short notice.

Are you sure she is actually on a training course tomorrow, given that it is Good Friday? I know plenty of people work on bank holidays, but how many companies run courses on them? Also, you mention her DH, will he not be off on a BH, or is he working too?

I think you are being far too nice, esp given it is the Easter holiday weekend. You should have just said 'No, we have plans for the bank holiday' and left it at that.

Where are you on the favours front?

If you're in credit, then tell her you're busy tomorrow. If you're owing favours then tell her that it is very short notice and all that but probably end up taking him for the day. Forget about your computer restrictions for one day - that should cheer up your DS and ease the situation a bit. Easter egg hunt in the garden ?

The lack of notice would annoy me greatly. I'm all for doing favours whenever I can and asking if I need to, but I give as much notice as I can and I recognise a favour as such even if it's one of DS's friends ( which it always is).

Once the day is done then that would be it for me. It doesn't sound as if DS is really friends with R, not if he's crying about spending the day with him. It's not fair on either of them to keep forcing this "friendship" if it's now about childcare, mutual convenience and not making R or his DM feel bad.

I'd just allow extra computer time when R is there - anything that alleviates the pressure on your DS really.

They're not going to need childcare for much longer anyway, so I'd just ride it out. If they were younger and there were years of this ahead, my view would be different.

I thought Holly's suggestion was a good one.

What working mother doesn't know when her children's school holidays are, or signs up for a course without checking first, or doesn't have any notice of when the course is starting so has to ask you at the very last minute? Obviously, I may have got the wrong end of the stick about your neighbour and only you know the true situation but I suspect she's playing you!

No one minds genuine emergencies, but an emergency that is frequent and regular is not an emergency at all - just a way to pressure you into agreement. Why would she make the effort to find alternatives when you jump in at the last minute?

You are trying to be helpful but your son is repeatedly left by both you and your neighbour to entertain the other boy He can't cope and he's clearly stressed. I think it is really unfair that some people have criticised the fact that he's finding this difficult. He's 11 and allowed to express his feelings to you and ask for help.

Please stop worrying about guilt or whether people think you are nice or not. It's neither here nor there. You have been helping out for years, so it's already established that you are nice. Not saying what you really think means you can't find a solution. Don't wait for the next emergency request that you can't turn down, have an honest discussion with her now or the situation could become unmanageable and damage a long-term friendship.

I feel for you OP. I detest confrontation having to have awkward conversations and will avoid them at all costs. You can't when it comes to your kid's well being though. It's the worst bit of parenting IMO ! :) How often is this happening exactly? The short notice requests.

So - it's too late to save tomorrow right? You've said yes now i guess. Stick the friend in front of the computer if that's what keeps him entertained, and explain to your son (beforehand) that you're relaxing the rules FOR TOMORROW to avoid the 'i'm bored' misery with his mate. He's old enough to understand and should appreciate you addressing it for him. Tell her at pick up that you'd like a bit more notice in future. Not too hard.

For the future; do this:

• think hard and come up with a phrase or two that you are comfortable saying in response to 'what are you up to tomorrow?' or 'in the next few days?' or whatever she tends to ask. And say it whenever she asks the dreaded question.

Maybe ''Oh DP was muttering about going to family'', or ''dunno, but goodness i'm hoping for a bit of 'me' time'', or ''bit of DIY''. Whatever. You think it up. Make the phrase hint at something which she cannot easily foist her son onto you for anyway.

If she pushes and your spidey senses go off you can go into full Save Yourself Mode. Mention the thing which will get you out of it. You and your DP are taking son to see elderly family, having quiet time together for a change, painting the lounge. Again something which trips off the tongue.

I know there's a chance that the lie might get found out in time, but frankly she might take the hint if that happens. Fingers crossed. I can't see anyone saying 'hey! Jonny says Amy says Roger says you never painted the shed last week - you could have had him round after all!'. And if she does, she deserves a hard stare just be vague.

You let your child go there on a regular basis (you admit that he goes there much more than R comes to your house)but begrudge having her child over?
A lot of people say 'oh it's easier with another child' 'we love to have him' but at the end of the day it is still extra work. I don't doubt in her head she has your son often and so you having her son on the odd occasion probably doesn't feel like she is asking much.
So if you don't want her son coming over (and that is a perfectly fine decision) then stop letting your son go over there all the time.

mickeysminnie

You let your child go there on a regular basis (you admit that he goes there much more than R comes to your house)but begrudge having her child over?

I don't think OP did say that actually. She said:

It's rare that I actually request that she has my DC (which I do well in advance!)

DS normally goes round to R's not because I've 'sent' him, but because he's been invited –which he likes and R's mum too

It sounds like the friend is getting the best of both worlds - OP's son to entertain R at home on play dates and free childcare from OP on tap when she needs it.

Actually on re-reading it does seem as if the big draw to R's house for the DS must be the unfettered screen access.

But yes I agree with mickeysminnie your DS needs to understand that the natural consequence of R not coming to his house because he doesn't like it is that DS won't be having any future visits to R's house.

Fairytales, thanks so much for all that, I really appreciate it. And your text wording is great. The mum is not isolated - in fact she is very active in the community/school and I think takes an awful lot upon herself which I think might include, at times, just assuming that her kids will somehow fit into the plans that she's said 'yes' to, whether it's work, school meetings or whatever. There is also some support in place for her family, though I'm not sure how comprehensive it is atm. I don't think R has extreme phobias or sensory issues though.

Yes, the two boys genuinely are friends and looking forward to being at the same school again together next year (R has gone up to high school and DS is still in primary this year).

You've rumbled me, kath – in actual fact the course is today and R is here today. I was trying to make this just a little bit less identifiable but oh well. (His initial is not R either, unsurprisingly! But I never thought about tomorrow's BH ...) It has gone ok today, but they started to get bored and the only thing they both wanted to do was build a den ... it means the living room is turned upside down but it kept them happy for a while. My friend is home now and they've headed off happily to hers for a bit (DS will have fun there!). There are little things that grate, though –she told me she'd be home at 4, R phoned her 30 mins earlier and she was already home. If it had been me, I would pick up my DC on the way home, as we live close by. But I often get the text "I'm home now, just send R back when you like" ... which I guess gives her more time at home by herself.

Chloe84 that's exactly it –thanks. Laiste and tweezers, you're quite right, too. I will let her know that while I am happy to have her DC, I'd like more notice in future. I'm going to feel like a bitch, though

I can't see anyone saying 'hey! Jonny says Amy says Roger says you never painted the shed last week - you could have had him round after all!'

Lol –this is the kind of thing that worries me!

I think that since she has your kid a lot of times, even though its not because YOU need it, but because the kids like it, then its still reasonable that she asks you to have him occasionally. Its just the way it is. Its a reciprocal arrangement. I think your son prefers going to his friends as he gets to go on the computer, and it would be pretty easy to let him have an occasional computer day in the holidays when hes got his aspie mate around, so theyve got something to do together that they both like.

That's slightly different then if the two boys are genuinely friends then it seems odd that your DS is so distressed about the thought of him coming to the house.
What is it that makes your DS so much happier about playing with him ( to the extent he has voluntarily gone to R's house) in the other house?

I think maybe R just has cooler toys, rookie! As well as the screen thing.

Branleuse, I'm absolutely happy to have him now and then - it's just the short notice thing (and I wonder sometimes if that's my issue and I should loosen up ...)

Does R hold her to a time? My DS lives by the clock. It may be that she does some things the way she does b cause if his Aspergers, although changing plans at short notice doesn't sit with that.

R is probably easier to play with on his own turf tbh.

Ask for more notice- but it would be nice to still have R come over but try and make it fun for them both - whether that's by allowing computer time or whatever.

As someone said it won't be for much longer anyway if he's 12. And it will be nice for your son to have someone older he knows in the secondary school in case of any issues there. I wouldn't burn that bridge till he's settled in!

I get it - so it's probably easier to have R if you know in advance, that way you can plan some activity that both the boys will enjoy. But then if your DS genuinely enjoys going to Rs and spending time with him, he needs to learn that even if it's not as enjoyable for him, the natural consequence of this is that R will come to your house from time to time ( but relax the screen time when he's there, then you'll have less tears and less dens).
The short notice thing would really annoy me as well.

Next time you see your friend I'd say that you're happy to have R and sibling(s) on occasion but you do need notice so that you can plan activities. She may not realise that her last minute lack of planning is annoying and inconsiderate, so you do need to tell her in a nice way that it is.

Next time she calls you out of the blue and you suspect you are going to be ambushed leave the call and send her a text, 'sorry, I missed your call but can't take calls for a bit can you text me, please if you need to be in touch?' That buys you time to consider your reply and allows you to refuse by text if you wish to.

My SIL asked me very directly last week to have her two the next day and after much angst ( because I could have juggled and rearranged etc) I said, sorry but no, I need more notice to help as I tend to keep my diary pretty full.

And if he's bored she needs to know, if only because he sounds old enough to learn it's rude to complain of boredom whilst a guest at someone's home. And yes, she should provide him with whatever helps you have an easy day.